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Original poster

Found out something about my parents that explains alot....

119 replies

bta01 · 10/03/2019 14:54

Hi, new here be gentle, but I couldn't think of a forum to post this on, other than mumsnet.

I always had a weird disconnect with my parents, for example I dont look back on my childhood as an amazing time filled with laughter etc etc. and I am fine with that. I'm now fourty and I guess they did the best they could. BUT, I never really, ever, got on with my mum. I still don't and I don't have particularly pleasant memories about her. I just remember her always being angry with me for things I often didn't do and some things I probably did.

Recently I found out that one week after I was born, both my parents and older brother went to Spain for two weeks. They left me with my grandparents. I found out completely by accident but she has confirmed it and even then it wasn't an argument it was just something I said that I'd heard. Her response was, "well you're Nanna had four children so she obviously knew how to look after a baby."

Now, that's not the big thing, obviously I don't remember it, as I grew up my grandparents were amazing anyway and I'm sure they did a good job, and, whilst these days it would be the worst thing in the world, I don't believe we can judge parenting from fourty years ago by todays standards...but, does anyone think that explains my disconnect with my mother? My dislike of her and general mistrust of her? Or am I just one of those people who doesn't like their mother? I don't know why but it's important for me to know if I just don't like her or if there's a psychological thing going on.

OP posts:
SurferRona · 10/03/2019 16:29

I am your age ish and had a similar experience to this OP, I was sent abroad to live with family when my mother was pregnant with her second child as she wasn't able to cope (Dad had a full time job). I was passed around family for quite a few months (a year maybe?), it coincided with me learning to talk as well, so I spoke English but with the accent of the family country. Never felt close to Mother, have the disconnect you mention. Baby 2 and she are extremely close however. Im still a bit Hmm about it tbh, there were alternatives to what she decided. I only heard about it 2 years ago too, has helped explain that disconnect in my mind.

SnowdropsiUnderTrees · 10/03/2019 16:34

My newborn baby was in hospital apart from me for a week. We have a great relationship. I think you were too young for it to make any difference. I suspect your relationship is probably difficult due to the ongoing difficulties later in your childhood.

fc301 · 10/03/2019 16:42

Actually I think @Mmmhmmm summarised it pretty well.

TheBouquets · 10/03/2019 16:46

Have you consider that it may have been the father/husband who demanded that the mother went away on holiday.
I had a baby in difficult circumstances connected to the mode of birth. My then husband was really put out by this baby who needed attention and help with everything. He really could not get why baby had to fed from bottles or why baby could not just drink from the bottle as adults would. He really had no idea about babies and he had the male supremacy issue. He was UK born of UK parents, and had UK born grandparents, he had very old style views.
He many times did things to draw my attention away from baby and on to him. He was ex husband very quickly once I got wise to him within a few months
Consider how your father presented as well as your mother

Birdsgottafly · 10/03/2019 16:47

ChoriChori, its well documented the cause amd effect that you describe.

We build good mental health in our children, it doesn't just happen. Even if it's just sitting cuddling our babies.

Babies don't bond until they are around 12 weeks. Doctors think it might be a protective measure because of the possibility of Maternal death.

Children that are passed around in the first 18 months most definitely do have attachment issues, which is why we've changed Child Law and things have got stricter.

OP it sounds as though she didn't form an attachment with you and if she was distant in the first 18 months, you may never have attached to her. It's not something that you would remember.

I habe a lot of African friends. Its usual when the Baby is older to have to go off to work (some leave for the UK etc), but the bond is well established (breastfeeding helps), so the relationship is still strong.

OrigamiZoo · 10/03/2019 16:47

It wasn't that she left you, but that she felt it was ok to do so, which may have lasted all your life and you picked up on it. What about your Dadd, how was that relationship?

FullOfJellyBeans · 10/03/2019 16:52

I think that was a symptom. It would be very unusual for a family to even plan such a holiday leaving their newborn baby. Perhaps your parents weren't ever going to be engaged, loving parents and the holiday was just a symptom of that lack of concern for you.

Loseitandkeepitlost · 10/03/2019 17:02

Agree with the others who say it was a symptom. How is her relationship with your brother? I wonder if there were issues for her around the conception (thinking something such as an unplanned pregnancy) that meant she struggled, or possibly PND as others have mentioned.

Blahdeblahbahhhhh · 10/03/2019 17:02

I’m amazed by the lack of understanding of the Science on this thread.

Yes, it will have had a big impact. What happened after could add to or help to heal. But no doubt it’s a major trauma. That’s just fact.

Original poster
bta01 · 10/03/2019 17:02

thank you all for your replies. I have read them all and really appreciate them. To answer a few questions...I didn't mention my father because he died 12 years ago and really he was what I believed a father to be; a bit distant, working, drinking, didn't hug etc.

I tried to bring up my relationship with my mother and my childhood, to my brother and he didn't recognise what I was saying at all. My brother believes that his mum is the greatest thing ever. And if you listen to him talk about her, she does sound amazing. But that just wasn't my experience and I suppose I was hanging on to this holiday thing, as a reason for her to be so distant with me. It could just be, she didn't like me.

Thanks guys x

OP posts:
Springwalk · 10/03/2019 17:03

Leaving your one week old newborn for anything that isn’t an emergency or medically necessary does indicate to me that bonding with you was not seen as a priority for her.

You don’t describe a happy or loving childhood, so her indifference continued. I am no counsellor op, but given what you have told us i don’t think many people could like a parent very much under those circumstances.

I would urge caution before condemning her though, we don’t know why she felt that way. Perhaps she had severe post natal depression, an awful sexual experience before you were born or abused herself. This does not excuse her behaviour but may provide understanding and clarity.
I suggest therapy first, and a heart to heart with your mother to find out if there are answers to your questions.

Springwalk · 10/03/2019 17:07

Please don’t blame yourself op. This was not you. Your little one week old self deserved better. How can you not like and love a newborn baby.
Whatever went wrong with your mother. It was NOTHING to do with you.

I hope you have others in your life now that cherish and love you.

SaskiaRembrandt · 10/03/2019 17:15

Would an airline allow a woman to fly one week postpartum?

Ellisandra · 10/03/2019 17:16

Airline wouldn’t know.

AllStar14 · 10/03/2019 17:18

I couldn't imagine leaving a week old baby. Do you not feel the same towards your dad? As he too went on the holiday so...

AllStar14 · 10/03/2019 17:19

Sorry I didn't see your update.

DonaldTwain · 10/03/2019 17:20

It was nothing to do with you. Perhaps a bad pre birth experience. Perhaps she is one of those mothers who value sons but not daughters. Whatever the reason, it is her issue not yours.

Redskyandrainbows67 · 10/03/2019 17:20

It’s not the holiday - it’s the reason she went on holiday op

LondonJax · 10/03/2019 17:20

I agree that the holiday was part of the symptoms and not the cause of the detachment between you and your mum.

As someone said up the thread, many children who are adopted have the most wonderful bond with their parents and some who are biologically linked just don't gel at all as life goes on. So 'bonding at birth' to be isn't really a 'thing' based on that.

But, leaving a one week old says either a) mum had a really hard pregnancy that may have left its mark over the years, b) had a really hard birth that 'closed off' part of her maternal instincts or c) just doesn't see how that would be perceived to be not the right thing to do when you've just given birth.

I think the question of how was your brother treated when he was born is a pertinent one. If your gran had had all those children so was used to looking after them, you'd expect your brother to have been left at a young age too. Or perhaps the pregnancy with him was easier. The only person who knows is your DM.

But, if you can put it to one side, try to. Lots of kids don't always gel with their parents, some don't see their mum as their best friend and that's fine.

SaskiaRembrandt · 10/03/2019 17:21

No I suppose not, but 40 years ago last minute flights weren't as big a thing, so finding one/juggling the date to coincide with delivery must have been tricky.

MumUnderTheMoon · 10/03/2019 17:22

I don't think you have to conclude that she didn't like you. My father didn't want anything to do with me but that's not my fault it's his. Don't give your mum that much power over you.

BorsetshireBlew · 10/03/2019 17:23

The holiday is symptomatic of a lack of attachment on the part of either parent which probably continued throughout your childhood and would explain her distance and your disconnect I reckon

berrybubbles · 10/03/2019 17:23

That’s awful OP, how selfish of them! I was really premature so neither of my parents got to hold me for the first 2 or 3 months. I have zero bond with them and it’s just one of those things you have to live with unfortunately. It feels awful not to be ‘connected’ doesn’t it. I think those first few weeks are so important. My relationships with my parents are irreparable now in my late 20s. My DM was a callous cow to me as a child now I understand why as there was no attachment. How was your parents behaviour towards you when you were growing up? Were they harsh and distant? Sorry NRTFT

CantStopMeNow · 10/03/2019 17:24

does anyone think that explains my disconnect with my mother? My dislike of her and general mistrust of her?
That one incident will not be the cause.....her relationship and treatment of you in the subsequent years is the cause.

I have quite a lot of siblings, they will tell you that my mother is the next best thing since wholemeal chapatti flour....i will tell you that she is narcisstic, manipulative, emotionally abusive and controlling and was very neglectful of me when i was a child.
She gave them the kind of love and nurturing that she never gave me.

Research attachment theory, it might shed light on things
www.mentalhelp.net/articles/attachment-theory/

GottaGetUp · 10/03/2019 17:25

Hey OP, my mum never liked me either, and told me so many times. It was such a relief when I went NC with her and she said it again as a way to manipulate me into contact, and I realised that I didn’t like her either, so why bother?

Like others on the thread I think the holiday is indicative of her attitude towards you rather than the cause. There was/is something broken in her that she could not love her child. It is not your fault.

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