Found out something about my parents that explains alot....

[bta01]

Hi, new here be gentle, but I couldn't think of a forum to post this on, other than mumsnet.

I always had a weird disconnect with my parents, for example I dont look back on my childhood as an amazing time filled with laughter etc etc. and I am fine with that. I'm now fourty and I guess they did the best they could. BUT, I never really, ever, got on with my mum. I still don't and I don't have particularly pleasant memories about her. I just remember her always being angry with me for things I often didn't do and some things I probably did.

Recently I found out that one week after I was born, both my parents and older brother went to Spain for two weeks. They left me with my grandparents. I found out completely by accident but she has confirmed it and even then it wasn't an argument it was just something I said that I'd heard. Her response was, "well you're Nanna had four children so she obviously knew how to look after a baby."

Now, that's not the big thing, obviously I don't remember it, as I grew up my grandparents were amazing anyway and I'm sure they did a good job, and, whilst these days it would be the worst thing in the world, I don't believe we can judge parenting from fourty years ago by todays standards...but, does anyone think that explains my disconnect with my mother? My dislike of her and general mistrust of her? Or am I just one of those people who doesn't like their mother? I don't know why but it's important for me to know if I just don't like her or if there's a psychological thing going on.

Mothers were exactly the same forty years ago as they are now, this is not a generational thing.

The vast majority of mothers would be in despair at having to leave their new baby, so perhaps your mother is not very maternal. What's her relationship with your brother like?

I think that the holiday is maybe indicative of her attitude. A week or so apart is totally recoverable in the early days - plenty of scbu babies happen who miss out in early contact and go on to have happy relativity mum.

When I was born, it was usual for the mother to stay in hospital for a fortnight and for babies to be brought to them just to be fed and for midwives to care for them the rest of the time. Despite this I had an incredibly close bond with my mother and felt loved and cared for by her.

I suspect, as others have said, that there's an innate part of your mother that made her able to hop off on holiday shortly after giving birth to her newborn - and that part of her has served to cause the lack of feeling you have for her.

Maybe the fact that she was often angry with you is a part of that too.....

if the holiday was the cause, then no adopted child would ever bond

Adoptive children often do have attachment issues and different children cope with things differently.

Children can be adaptive to change from birth (or not). A child who adapts easily might not have an issue but another child might. We've all seen the leg-clingers and the ones who rush in without a backwards glance. Well the leg clinger will notice the absence of their primary care giver.

I do think there's probably more to it. But it isn't as simple as 'didn't do me any harm'.

The holiday doesn’t explain it. No. But it does show that even before you were born, for some reason your Mum did not feel a bond with you for some reason.

I’d also say it also shows it’s not your fault and no matter what you’d done or said or how good and pleasant you’d tried to be, it would never have been good enough.

I am interested in this.

My DH was born prematurely 45 years ago and spent 8 weeks in an incubator. My MIL was hardly allowed to even touch him.

Then when he was 1 she had another baby. So spent time in hospital during the birth and obviously had to look after a newborn. She already had 2 other DC at home as well, who were still under 5!

My DH has always had difficulty with anxiety and depression, for no apparent ‘reasons’. He definitely feels insecure.

I wonder if not getting adequate attention from his mother has something to do with it

I think the holiday is a red herring. Many mothers and newborns are separated in the early days, sometimes for weeks. For example I ended up in high dependency and my baby in neo natal for a few days. I have a friend whose baby has been in ICU since he was born three months ago.

Perhaps you have very different personalities or maybe your mother wasn't particularly maternal or was she always very stressed/overwhelmed with her children?

This was a 2 week holiday, not 1, that's a huge amount of time.

A newborn would be traumatised by its mother disappearing. They would definitely notice and it would have a profound affect on their emotional well-being and bonding going forward.
Yeah, this is bollocks.

My DD was in neonatal for 6 weeks. For the first two I was recovering from a really traumatic birth, wasn’t able to travel much and she couldn’t come out of the incubator much. Apart from one cuddle when she was two days old I could barely touch her. She was cared for by a team of neonatal nurses who did for her what I couldn’t. That second week I wasn’t able to visit much and for various reasons that wasn’t actually a massive problem for me. That doesn’t make me not maternal.

She is 9 now and we have the strongest bond.

Would anyone be so down on a father who had to make a trip soon after his child was born? Would that make him an unfit father.

it could do my youngest was in scbu for a while and due to the intervention of medical staff i found when i went home it was difficult at first to have the same bond as with my other daughter we have always had an up and down sort of relationship so yes i think it can affect a relationship. obviously you were safe with your grandparents but one week after giving birth most women wouldnt fancy leaving their child or feel up to a holiday for most just getting to the local shops is quite enough

@bta01 I really think I can relate.

My birth was induced as my eldest 'D'Sis was also in hospital (critically ill) at the time and my 'D'M tells me she gave birth and left immediately after in order to be at 'D'Sis bedside. Apparently when she returned many hours (days?) later, I rejected her, and would not breastfeed.

My childhood is similar to yours in that I just remember her always being angry with me for things I often didn't do and some things I probably did.

I used to just apologise ALL the time. I ended up apologising for being a girl, and eventually for being born.

The dice were loaded from the start. Our relationship never improved. Her detachment is puzzling as she has totally different (and loving) relationships with all my other siblings. I've had several counsellors through my life and it always boils down to this early years trauma. I'm in the process of going NC as it seems my 'D'M prefers to kick a dog when it's down.

1979. It was still normal to stay in hospital for a week then for most women - wealthier ones would either stay for the full fortnight or even put the new baby with a Nanny, especially when bottlefeeding, right from the start. Sometimes that meant they couldn't cope with the newborn stuff, sometimes it was just what was expected of them. And sometimes it could be that they didn't particularly want a child but it still wasn't that easy to get contraception or husbands who were prepared to not have more children/pitch in and share duties. She might even have been persuaded by DM/MIL that it was perfectly normal and should be done to 'let the older one associate the new baby with something good' - or had a horrendous birth (my mother says every one of her labours was over 4 days because 'you were told to shut up and get on with it' - even in 1973, when I was born, she didn't get asked if she wanted to see me in Special Care until I was a week old and then it took two days for somebody to sort out a wheelchair to take her down because, after her third haemorrhage in five pregnancies, she wasn't in any condition to be walking down 4 levels on her own).

It's better than the 40s, though. I know a lot of men who were put into Barnados precisely because there was a new baby coming and their mothers had been told it was a great idea to 'have a break from the toddler to look after the baby'. One I know (exFIL) wasn't actually brought back until he was five. Had there been family to care for him, he'd have gone there - but these women weren't just encouraged to do it, they were pressurised to do it by both husbands and whatever the title of the workers was. There weren't so many nannies around because young women were marrying and starting families of their own when men returned from service, and this was seen as prioritising the woman's health. Because babies were thought to need training and children needed to be used to being independent.

I don't think going away for seven days is indicative of never loving somebody or there being something wrong with her as a mother - there could be any number of reasons that were entirely beyond her control and, as she said, you were with somebody who was perfectly capable and presumably more than willing to look after a newborn for a week.

Hi I am with those who say the holiday was symptom rather than the cause of the problem. I do hope you find the answers you are looking for and can make peace with the fact that you don’t have a great relationship with your mum. I’m in a very similar boat. I try a make the best of it by being the best I can for my kids.

I was adopted by my parents at 2 weeks old and my mum and I have always had an incredibly close bond. So the idea that going away for a week when a baby is a week old will 'destroy' the bond is ridiculous.

I understand you may not want to stir a hornet's nest but have you considered asking your grandparents (if still living)? And rather than just asking your mum "Why did you leave me with the grandparents?" have you asked her "Were you ill and told to get away?" or similar. And is it all possible that she didn't go to Spain but perhaps had a breakdown of some sort and 'Spain' is a cover story? I can't imagine a new mum wanting to leave a newborn.

I didn’t breastfeed my girls and I didn’t do skin to skin either. I loved my newborns and wouldn’t have left them but I don’t believe they’d have been traumatised if I had done. As long as they were fed, clean, warm and loved.

Meant to add they are 4 and 20 months now and our bond is awesome

Who the fuck would voluntarily leave their newborn for 2 weeks? A shit parent, that's who.

It may now have affected your relationship but it’s a known fact that even adopted children, who were removed at birth, have certain behavioural issues as a result of being removed from birth parents at such a young age.

I can’t imagine it would have been a good base to build a bond between mother and child.

My MIL left her (first) newborn with her parents to go gallivanting around southern California with her husband (FIL). She was very selfish, self centered, immensely extraverted and had zero maternal instincts. She's tried to find stardom in Hollywood in the mid-1940's and couldn't believe they didn't want her on the silver screen.

She had no maternal instincts with her other three children either. She gave two up to her mother, until her mother died when the youngest was 10. She farmed one out to another family and the oldest she took to have another try at the bright lights. She failed this daughter so badly. They all carry the wounds of not being mothered but were good children and took care of her until she died in her 90's - while still talking about herself.

Believe me her children didn't like her, but loved her because she was their mother and felt a duty to rally around her - although she did demand the audiences.

I observed my MIL with my newborn and when he was a toddler. She looked at him like he was a little turd who was grabbing the attention away from her. She never cuddled him, cooed at him, nothing. Same with all her other grand babies and great grand babies.

When MIL was on her travels in Southern California she never phoned home once to check on her little baby. I know because her father became ill, died and was buried while she was gone and it was a complete surprise for her to discover this when she returned.

Some women have little or no maternal instincts and it has nothing to do with depression. My MIL was the most full of life, happy go lucky person I have ever known. She remained that way until the day she died.

btw; She took her healthy cat to be put to sleep when she decided to go traveling around the South western U.S in her mid-60's. Had no problem with it at all. She was done with him. We would have taken him if she told us.

The holiday didn't cause your poor relationship - they are both symptoms of the same thing though, and that's something in your mother that meant she was unable to bond with you properly.

I believe that a mother who could leave a one week old and go abroad on holiday is probably not a maternal woman and certainly doesn't put her children first.....this is probably why you find it hard to depend on and trust her, as this selfishness would have been present throughout your relationship.

That’s awful of your mum to do that

It sounds incredibly selfish of her

I do net think one holiday would explain all that my brother and his gf at the time left my niece with us when she was a couple of weeks old and she's a total mummy's girl.

Who the fuck would voluntarily leave their newborn for 2 weeks? A shit parent, that's who

Yes,....because it's that black and white and that simple isn't it? FFS.

Goneforgood LOVE the story of your MIL! Obviously not mother material but you have to admire her zest for life. My nan had a friend, same era as your MIL, who had as she put it 'a good life' which meant she never tied herself down with children, she had many many boyfriends, lost count of the number of backstreet abortions (she thought it was somewhere in the region of 12) and died never having any regrets.