Found out something about my parents that explains alot....

[bta01]

Hi, new here be gentle, but I couldn't think of a forum to post this on, other than mumsnet.

I always had a weird disconnect with my parents, for example I dont look back on my childhood as an amazing time filled with laughter etc etc. and I am fine with that. I'm now fourty and I guess they did the best they could. BUT, I never really, ever, got on with my mum. I still don't and I don't have particularly pleasant memories about her. I just remember her always being angry with me for things I often didn't do and some things I probably did.

Recently I found out that one week after I was born, both my parents and older brother went to Spain for two weeks. They left me with my grandparents. I found out completely by accident but she has confirmed it and even then it wasn't an argument it was just something I said that I'd heard. Her response was, "well you're Nanna had four children so she obviously knew how to look after a baby."

Now, that's not the big thing, obviously I don't remember it, as I grew up my grandparents were amazing anyway and I'm sure they did a good job, and, whilst these days it would be the worst thing in the world, I don't believe we can judge parenting from fourty years ago by todays standards...but, does anyone think that explains my disconnect with my mother? My dislike of her and general mistrust of her? Or am I just one of those people who doesn't like their mother? I don't know why but it's important for me to know if I just don't like her or if there's a psychological thing going on.

I can relate to your feelings. I have a similar relationship with my mother. My parents left me with grandparents I did not know to go on a THREE MONTH holiday when I was 18 months. I was extremely distressed, and despite the fact that my grandmother pleaded with them to return, they didn't. I have recently found out I was sent to a godmother for a week to 'give my grandmother a break'. I didn't know her either. I was hysterical about being left for years afterwards. I asked my godmother what she remembers about that time , she was evasive and said she didn't remember it. No one understood anything about attachment theory then, but I cannot understand any mother leaving a young child for three months, I just can't. I have always had a distant and difficult relationship with her and wonder if this is partly why.
It could be the reason you have a similar relationship with your mother, but probably the fact she could leave you at all hints that something was amiss anyway.

Re booking the hoilday in Spain before the baby . You cant fly after so many weeks were you early or prem baby .

@bta01

I'm so sorry that you have this relationship with your mother. It's way more common than you'd think. It's easy to spend far too much time and energy trying to fathom the wheres and whys.

The truth is you'll probably never know why she feels this way about you. The basic fact to accept in addition to this is that there's very little you can do about it.

We have a similar set up in my family. 4 siblings, 2 of whom think and see our mother as an amazing, loving, maternal person and then my sister and I who think the complete opposite. Christmas is especially hard watching the thoughtful perfect gifts for everyone (incl our husbands/partners) and then opening our tat - actual tat. This year I received the freebies she gets with Avon. Not that the free is the issue, but the fact that I'd never use them /have allergies (since childhood). I also received underwear one size too small. I asked why (I've been this size for 14 years) - because one size won't matter, surely, was her reply.

You could spend your whole life focusing on working out the mystery, trying to resolve the relationship, wondering what it is about you that makes her dislike you, not love you etc. You'll never know. It's wasted energy

Find a way to accept it for what it is - her issue, her inadequacy as a mother, her shortfall. I found the only way was to remove her from my life, however this wasn't an option when I found out I was pregnant - I didn't want to impose our crap relationship on an unborn child. I made contact and started the relationship again but on my terms.

It's hard but works.
I hope you find a solution that works for you xxx

Do you know if you were planned or a surprise?

What was your parents relationship like with each other?

It sounds like she has post natel depression as I haven’t had a two week holiday since having a dog as couldn’t leave him that long, let alone a baby (I have fertility issues so only example can give)

It’s interesting how different siblings can have different experiences my dad passed away when I was a teenager- I loved him dearly and have fond memories of him. My brother is the opposite! I have had family issues with siblings for years.

It sounds like you need to explore these feelings with a councillor- I have had councilling and it really does help you get perspective.

The important thing is you feel happy in yourself and how you are one of the best things my councillor said to me was- when your born there isn’t a secret contract that you need to be best friends with your family, it’s nice of course but sometimes doesn’t work that way. You can choose your family as in friends of which I have a strong friend circle which can be healthier relationships than family, doesn’t mean they are bad. Xx

How old was your brother? You see all the posts on here about how mums aren't sure they could love another child in the same way as their first. Perhaps your mum felt like that before you were born and decided during pregnancy that that was how it was going to be instead of doing what others do and try everything to bond with the second child?

I'm sorry you feel like this, I hope you can come to terms with it and find a way to put it behind you if at all possible.

Mine was similar - i remember younger sibling being left with grandma, for parents to go on a 2 week holiday and am pretty sure they did the same thing when I was a baby. Mum did a lot of other things that are a off wrt to parenting - once heard her tell someone that she would pretend not to hear us crying as babies and just shut the bedroom door - no hint of her realising that this was off behaviour. Odd woman.

Not the same but I have a big disconnect with my older sister OP. She has always protected me and been there but oddly distant and I can pinpoint the shift to an exact incident when we were growing up.

As for your mum, I've read some psychological stuff around newborns and bonding, basically on how a newborn knows it's mother due to the bond formed inside the womb. Maybe you should look into this more? I only suggest this as it helped me a lot post birth and I would always recommend therapy because I have benefitted from it a lot in my life. If you feel you want to gain a better understanding don't be afraid to speak to someone who can help.

"well you're Nanna had four children so she obviously knew how to look after a baby."

^I find this a really chilling and perhaps indicative remark from your mother. Yes, things were different 40 years ago, but most women would now express regret about it, maybe apologize or explain or at least acknowledge that times were different then. So YANBU.. I also wouldn't feel close with someone who lacked that sort of self-introspection or who hadn't noticed that the modern world has realised how important it is to establish a strong bond with a baby.

I think yes. It has a huge impact. I have seen the effects of not bonding with a newborn in a close friend who did exactly what your parents did and 16 years kater my friend still feels that’s the reason her daughter is so distant.

Skin to skin! Does that mean if you didn't do that ritual at the birth your relationship with your child is doomed. Can't figure out what has gone wrong with my 3 as only this weekend have had a great time with them all telling me I am best Mum ever. This in spite of not bonding skin to skin with any of them. In fact wasn't able to handle two of them for 5 days. Would say your mother leaving you for a week is not the cause. Perhaps you are too alike.

@yabbers Would anyone be so down on a father who had to make a trip soon after his child was born? Would that make him an unfit father.

Yes—I think it would

No it wasn’t the holiday. But whatever made her able to leave her week old baby to go on holiday would probably have been present the rest of your childhood which would explain a distant relationship and weak bond for you growing up

Agree with this, and also with LongDivision that your mother has no introspection nor any idea how she comes across to you, and maybe she doesn't care either.

ExMIL used to boast about never getting up in the night for any of her babies from Day One. They were whisked off to the nursery nightly in the hospital for two weeks until mother and baby were discharged and she expected them to sleep through at home so simply ignored them until they gave up crying . She didn't know what hit her when chicken pox struck when there were five of them, including a newborn, and they woke at night needing calamine lotion or attention for high temps. A few years later she left the seventh baby, aged less than one month, with her mother, and she and FIL took the remaining six on their annual two week vacation. There was a very unhealthy dynamic in that family.

To a certain extent society did indeed tell women that their first duty was to their husband. But not all women took it as far as some did, so I feel it is appropriate to point to flaws in the personalities of some women as the reason for the choice they made.

Maybe she had your bro abd was just trying to spend time with him to show him he wasn't being "left out ". I've got a weird disconnect with my mum . She's a selfless lady but resents it. She'd do anything for me and i love her hut had horrendous pnd that turned into depression and i didn't think she liked me for the first 7 years of my life. It's a weord confused and conflicting feeling

What on earth was her reason for leaving her newborn baby and going to Spain? That’s sounds absolutely crazy.

I didn’t think you were able to fly for two weeks after giving birth? Or is that babies?

Modern rules about flying post having a baby probably weren't in place then, that's if that rule exists, I'm not sure. And there's no mention about flying anyway. People used to drive and get the ferry more in those days.

In his book, ‘Standing on the Shoulders of Giants,’ family therapist Owen Connolly outlines various research about the importance of the mother’s “signature scent” & the impact if a baby goes 20 hours without smelling their Mother.

He explains that trauma can occur (infantile Post Traumatic Stress Disorder iPTSD) & it can cause the child to live defensively & see the world as hostile. Ultimately he says that children end up with a feeling of “not belonging - strangers in their own home”.

It’s a very interesting book.

Life is complicated but I think connection/s are probably important. Since we can’t always control all our interactions with others I really like the work of Kristin Neff who studies self compassion: self-compassion.org Hope that helps a little x

Your not alone I don't particularly like my mother eirher, tried many times to have a relationship but it doesn't take so given up.

You don't HAVE to love your family, Thank goodness you can choose your friends.