Found out something about my parents that explains alot....

[bta01]

Hi, new here be gentle, but I couldn't think of a forum to post this on, other than mumsnet.

I always had a weird disconnect with my parents, for example I dont look back on my childhood as an amazing time filled with laughter etc etc. and I am fine with that. I'm now fourty and I guess they did the best they could. BUT, I never really, ever, got on with my mum. I still don't and I don't have particularly pleasant memories about her. I just remember her always being angry with me for things I often didn't do and some things I probably did.

Recently I found out that one week after I was born, both my parents and older brother went to Spain for two weeks. They left me with my grandparents. I found out completely by accident but she has confirmed it and even then it wasn't an argument it was just something I said that I'd heard. Her response was, "well you're Nanna had four children so she obviously knew how to look after a baby."

Now, that's not the big thing, obviously I don't remember it, as I grew up my grandparents were amazing anyway and I'm sure they did a good job, and, whilst these days it would be the worst thing in the world, I don't believe we can judge parenting from fourty years ago by todays standards...but, does anyone think that explains my disconnect with my mother? My dislike of her and general mistrust of her? Or am I just one of those people who doesn't like their mother? I don't know why but it's important for me to know if I just don't like her or if there's a psychological thing going on.

Bta

I think you’re over thinking and looking for reasons you don’t get, you probably just don’t get on

What is the age gap between you and your brother? Do you think that you were possibly a surprise and your Mum never got over that?

I know a woman who only planned one child, gave all her baby equipment away and a few years later had another baby. This isn't someone I am close to just a parent in the playground who told everyone her son wasn't planned but never followed it up with but he was very much wanted. He clearly wasn't and her eldest child is the golden child.

It is sad to have a childhood that wasn't happy and fun, especially if this is not the case for your brother, but it does not define you. You have to learn to accept that your Mother is not the Mother you would have wished for.

Major separations from mother (or one main care giver) early on are certainly implicated in the development of attachment disorders. (And not all separations are avoidable, but they neverthless pose a risk or can require repair of attachment).

But yes, there may also be factors such as your Mum’s own parenting, her relationship with your Dad, her readiness for the pregnancy, her sense of herself as a Mum to your brother and to you.

The only thing that is not a factor, is that little tiny baby you, who was perfect, deserved her better love, and is not at fault here.

I was going to say perhaps you were an unplanned pregnancy but mobiro has put it much better than me.

I still wonder if 'in Spain' was an excuse given for her being hospitalized or 'sent away' for another reason. I guess I'm thinking of 'YaYa Sisterhood' where the mother had a breakdown but the children were told she was physically ill and sent away to a hospital to recover. It would explain why she doesn't want to talk about it.

Does your DB remember this holiday in Spain? Is he old enough to remember it? Are there pictures? Other people who knew them then who could corroborate that they all went away?

(Sorry, I know it sounds like a conspiracy theory)

@smallereveryday

You may have had the vital consistent attachment with someone else e.g one of your nannies. It doesn't matter who the consistent/responsive attachment has come from, as long as it has come from someone consistently in the first 2yrs then you have a very good chance of a secure emotional attachment. This is backed up by a huge amount of research. Google secure attachment or positive parent-child attachment.

@Acrossthepond55 has a very good viable theory. She may have had severe PND or post partum psychosis and required hospital treatment but doesn't want to admit this due to stigma at that time. Infact this sounds far more reasonable a theory than a holiday, again this would have likely affected the bonding both ways.

I agree with other posters its the why she felt able to/keen to leave you. My dh was born by emergency c section 45 years ago. Mother was in a coma for the first 2 weeks of his life and he spent it in hospital. Imagine the usual for the era, bottle fed every 4 hours, changed and then left to sleep/cio - no contact with father particularly as that not seen as necessary. My MIL still talks about how much she wishes she had been able to take care of him/what they missed but the fact that as soon as she was physically able she looked after him, gave him unlimited attention/affection means their relationship is close and loving and he has turned into a lovely, confident man capable of giving great, unselfish affection to his wife and 3 children that are not biologically his (fertility issues). I think early years lack of bonding (especially if we are talking a matter of weeks and essential needs met) is only a real problem where the bond continues to be fractious (perhaps pnd). Sorry this is an issue for you, I can completely understand why you want to get to the bottom of it, I'm sure counselling will help if you can afford it.

"if that were true then adopted and fostered children would be screwed , which they are not. "

They quite often are I'm afraid.

My parents sent me to a convent high in the mountains when I was a babe in arms for 6 months. Didn't seem to materially affect my relationship with either.

I can identify with you. My parents left me when I was two weeks old with my grandparents. I've never had a great attachment to my mum, it was always my Nan. Interrupting that essential bonding time does have an impact, of course it does. Poor attachment also affects the actual structure and biochemistry of the child's brain. People don't realise that.

I do thing something about leaving kids that young does something to your bond. I could have written your post myself. My mother and I never really had any sort of relationship. I was in fulltime childcare under 2 months old and she went on many many holidays alone, leaving me and my dad back home. She probably had twice as many solo holidays as we did family ones.

No, of course not!

It's more likely your mother didn't bond with you then the other way around. Then it stemmed from there.

I was separated from my DS on and off for the first few weeks of his life due to being in an out if hospital with post birth complications (me), and even when I'd given birth to him I was rushed off to stem bleeding so I barely got to hold him for days. Then the following several weeks I was repeatedly going through morphine withdrawel after stints back in and out of hospital for pain management.

It took me over a year to bond with him and even now he's nearly 2 we're only just there.

Your Mum probably had prenatal and postnatal depression and disassociation that wasnt recognised or treated.

OP - I have a similar story. When I was about 3 weeks old my parents took my older siblings on a 2 week holiday leaving me with my grandmother. I've always known about it though. I really like my mother, she's great company and we get along fine. I don't feel especially close to her though, and I always adored my Grandmother. Who knows if that decision was cause or effect? People had such different ideas about what babies needed in those days.

My parents left me for 2 weeks when I was 3 weeks old as they had visa issues in the country they were living in at the time. It’s not affected my relationship with them at all, it’s the same as my siblings.

Are you your father child ?
You could take a DNA test to see
But I would also look in " holiday " see if it was a holiday .

There are times when a mother and newborn have to be separated, for hospital stays etc, but when your mother clearly chooses to leave you behind it does say something about her.

40 years ago you could not just book an easyjet flight online and hop off on a plane. So I don't believe it was as a result of PND, surely it doesn't present until a month or two after the birth?

You already know your relationship isn't good, it's just hard to hear the facts.

I suspect it wasn't a holiday too. I think women used to stay in hospital for a week or two after giving birth 40 years ago so unless she went straight from hospital to Spain something else probably happened.

I am someone who did give birth 40 years ago and was in hospital for 10 days after the birth. And when I got home the HV visited regularly too.

OP - I wonder too, if your mother really did go to Spain.....

My first thought too was that "holiday in Spain" is actually something else - a mental breakdown, a sanatorium, etc, etc.

It’s probably something deeper that stems from the holiday she possibly didn’t bond with you as a baby and in return you didn’t bond with her! It wouldn’t have happened in two weeks but if she routinely left you with your grandparents as a tiny baby you may have assumed them your primary carer which in turn lead to the disconnect between you it usually builds up over the first few months!

Has anyone mentioned the fact that a holiday in Spain a week after you were born would have had to be pre-booked?!

That makes it pretty unlikely to be down to PND.

Sorry you feel distant from your mum, that's sad.

I used to know someone who left her one month old baby - her first - with her parents, and went off on holiday with her dh for a month.

She was from a different culture, and it wasn't seen as anything at all out of the way. But for the life of me I could never understand how she could do it - I couldn't have left mine even for a day.

I didn't know her until some years later, when she also had a second child, and I have to say she always seemed a perfectly good parent.

In her culture ( Southern Med) it wasn't at all unknown then to dump kids on grandparents. We were all living in the Arabian Gulf area at the time, and there was another whose two toddler boys were like human hurricanes - she had zero control and couldn't cope - and told me she wasn't going to try to any longer.
I was nonplussed - so what was she going to do?
'Send them to my mother.'
And she did.

Your mum sounds like mine.
Your mum clearly wasn’t loving towards you, even if she was to a sibling.
It wasn’t the going away that caused the lack of bonding but the reason she was able to leave her newborn for a week. Different to all those posters getting defensive over having been seperated Fromm their newborns due to illness etc. They would have been longing for them and made up for it when back together, your mum clearly didn’t.