To ask do you spend what you afford on your kids? 💰

[Helenoftroy1]

I was visiting a friend earlier who is quite well off and as a result her teenagers have the most up to date mobile phones, designer clothes, have take out food whenever they want etc.

I asked her whether she felt she was spoiling her kids, she replied not at all, they are educated in the full value of money and these things can easily disappear if they forget their manners or step out of line.

Got me thinking that it was a pretty fair and sensible response, maybe I should spend a bit more on my children 🤔 I sometimes wonder whether I am a bit mean with things like insisting on getting second hand phones and only expensive clothes at Christmas or birthday- if I’m being honest I could afford to spend more but choose to save any money I may have left over.

Would you spend whatever you could afford on your children or cap it at what you felt was a sensible level?

IMO "designer" clothes on children are tacky/obscene. I could v well afford to dress mine in them (before anyone cries out jealousy) however would never even consider it.

Single parent here and I put a lot more value in certain things than others.
Neither I or my DD could care less about the latest fashion or bit of tech but I’m more than happy to spend £££ (within my budget obviously) on hobbies and outdoor persuits.
Good quality shoes (though more expensive doesn’t always mean better quality)
Good coat. Books galore and any interests she gets into I’m happy to accommodate (match attacks, craft stuff etc)

She’s saving for a Nintendo Switch at the moment and planning a sale of work and selling some old things at a car boot sale. She has 2/3 already from money given at Christmas and a voucher so I could afford to give her the remaining bit right now but honesty I love her patience, the fact she doesn’t ask or nag and how she actually values things.

Probably sounds terribly mean to some of you I’m sure but it works for us.

My 2 teenage DS get most things they want, but they don't ask for lots. They have a monthly allowance (45 each) which has to cover all expenses such as clothes and all entertainment (food out, cinema, etc). They have latest phones and hi spec gaming computers but they don't constantly come and ask for stuff. We buy all school clothes and book and tuition etc. At Christmas it'll be either presents or a holiday - so this year I've booked skiing in Norway for us over Xmas and NY so they will get 1 small present each, unless they actually need something. We have 1 takeout a week, usually on a Friday, but equally they will help by cooking a meal for us as well as themselves. They know if they step out of line they lose their phone or whatever but to be fair they are generally helpful and polite, keep their rooms tidy-ish and don't leave mess in the kitchen if they use it...

I buy Next clothes for ds 5 generally,sometimes the odd bits from tk maxx.Winter coat and trainers are branded.

IMO "designer" clothes on children are tacky/obscene

What do you mean by designer though?

There are plenty of brands beloved by the middle classes (joules, boden, frugli, polarn) that cost £££ that are not normally classed as ‘designer’ that are considered ‘naice’ on here.

Are they ok? Or is it just Tommy Hilfigger type stuff you object to?

Fitting in at those ages are important to kids.. I wouldn’t for example dress them Second hand at that age

My boys are 17 & 20 they, and most of their friends, buy their clothes 2nd hand online from specialist sites and have done for quite a few years now. They buy what they want, wear them for a while, then they sell them again to buy more. My experience of Today's teenagers are that they are mostly ethical and money savvy.

Growing up they had mostly 2nd hand clothing from a variety of places, friends and family or eBay. I only bought new clothes or goods when it was unavoidable. I bought second hand electronics that they then traded in for newer models as they became more sophisticated. No-one but us would know that their stuff was secondhand.

When they started working part time and able to mostly fund themselves, I bought their needs and they bought their wants. Now they mostly fund themselves from student loans and part time work and I top them up or treat them if and when I can. I pay for their phone contracts and car insurance.

As pps have said, spoiling and material goods are not the same thing. I can honestly say my children have never demanded anything or thrown a strop when being told no. They perfectly understand the value of both money and items and are always appreciative when given something.

There has to be a balance - surely, regardless of earnings?

What on earth is wrong with hand me downs? Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

DD definitely has noticed kids from affluent backgrounds more at her school and has remarked on how they totally take it for granted. They aren't badly behaved kids but they just have no concept of how others can't afford what they can .

One of her friend's hired a make up artist the other day to go to a gig and the same girl spent over £400 hiring an air B&B for her 16th. I think that's excessive and even if I could afford it I do think I'd be stricter.

She has had to explain a few times that she can't afford to do what they want to do and understands once she's earning her own money then she can do more.

She says a couple of them have a sort of family drawer which they just seem to dip into stuffed with tenners
One lad lost a Moncleur coat at school and his mother had bought him another one a week later. How is that teaching your son the value of money!?

We have Prom coming up and people spend ridiculous money. Luckily we managed to pick up a lovely dress for about £20 in Barnardos where DD did her DofE volunteering. It was a total fluke she got it. I am relieved because there is no way I could afford an expensive dress and it's ridiculous to spend what you haven't got just to fit in.

I don't remember it being that much of an issue with DS as luckily he's not bothered about designer gear and stuff.

Their cousin is ridiculously materialistic and wears designer t shirts and Laboutin trainers - then takes photos of them and puts them on social media. So does her boyfriend.
She's 15. Her mum is definitely spending too much. That's her decision .

But even if I was rich I'd be very aware of what I was teaching my kids. I'd probably spend my money more on things like guitar lessons and activities etc than ridiculous phones that are dated a few months later.

If she needs stuff she gets it.
I spend more on thinning glasses etc.
Plus driving lessons (She's 12). She loves them.
If she'd only try a hobby or extra curricular thing, I'd pay for that.
She's got a bad foot so anything involving walking or standing for more than 20.mins is out. trampolining is out.
She loves creating make up looks ( and is bloody talented too!) So she gets make up.
She's got a modern phone which she loves but she had to show she could use a cheapy properly first.
Defo not a spoiled only.

I think the best way is to funnel money into hobbies or something else they might actually benefit from rather than random bits and bobs.

@LaurieMarlow - that's why I put "designer" in inverted commas. I'm not sure of the definition myself however my children aren't dressed in any of those you've mentioned. Once they make their own money they may decide to spend it on designer clothes or whatever else they fancy, but no on my watch :)

@peeree

So what’s ok then? Just supermarket? Or is high street fine? What about special occasions?

I get my kids expensive clothes such as North Face joggers, Hoodies and coats and other branded stuff such as Nike, Adidas, Stone Island as I think it’s important for them to fit in as they’re at ‘that age’ (12 and 13).

I think I spend whatever I can afford and also put money in their savings account each month

I'd love to know kids can tell if tights have come from the supermarket or not? 🤔

There are plenty of brands beloved by the middle classes (joules, boden, frugli, polarn) that cost £££ that are not normally classed as ‘designer’ that are considered ‘naice’ on here.

They’re high street aren’t they? Rather than designer.

You don't have to only buy supermarket, that's not what people are saying. Just that it's not necessary to buy into the idea that kids always need the best of everything or they'll grow up resenting you. But something outrageously frivolous, that's fine - it doesn't do any harm - but the idea that doing otherwise is deprivation does. I don't want my kids to grow up judging themselves or others on the clothes they wear. I know there's pester power and peer pressure and sometimes I cave on that, but I also don't want to buy into it too fully. All this "my kids are worth more than second hand clothes" way of thinking is not nice imo. It suggests you judge others by those criteria too.

Even experiences have a limit I think. There's a certain amount I will spend on a kid's party. Above that I think I'd just a bit unnecessary and I worry they'd start thinking lower key efforts are y good enough

I don't spend much on toys, maybe £50 birthday and the same at Christmas but they do have quite a lot of clothes (mostly H&M or supermarket but a few nice jumpers from FatFace & Joules). We like to travel so we've had some expensive holidays, most recently to the USA. I don't have anything against second hand but I don't really have the time for it. Cheapest tablets and no computers of their own, they'll get cheap mobiles when they're 11 and maybe a nicer one at 16.

They’re high street aren’t they? Rather than designer

So what counts as designer then is what I’m asking?

@BuildingBackUp regarding second hand trainers which I buy for my kids. I'm happy to pay up to about £30-35 for a pair of trainers, you can get good quality new ones for that price. However my kids want specific trainers, such as NikeAir, which cost £65-85 new. Kids that age do not need trainers that are that expensive. If they want them, they either buy them themselves, or I get second hand. Everyone is happy with this arrangement.
Just because I can afford it, doesn't mean I'm willing to spend money on unnecessary stuff. I'm heartened by the post below about teens sourcing out clothes from second hand places. That is what we should be doing if we want to live ethically.

Of my mum friendship group we/I have the highest income by far - think 4-5x. I am the only one that dresses my child in mostly second hand clothes and I have done so since he was born (he is now 4). He doesn't care, I don't care, and I am keen on the recycling aspect. I will keep this up for as long as I can.

He will not get the latest phones or laptops - we have plenty of cast offs.

So what counts as designer then is what I’m asking?

Made by a designer I’ve always assumed- so a named person behind the brand. I’m not sure that’s definitive. I’ve never heard Boden described as designer.

Designer is things like Armani, Hugo Boss, Gucci etc.

Even the high street stores are "classed" though i.e. Primark- River Island- Jigsaw, all
very different price points.

My ds wears North Face/Under Armour/Nike etc as standard but his Armani/Hugo Boss is what is bought for special occasions.

my 3 dcs have grown up in a household where money has been very tight so they are used to not having the latest things or having second hand. things are better now but I had to laugh at christmas when DD2 (25) sent her Christmas list (i asked for it - it's a family tradition) and one of the things was a MAC lipstick. it had a note next to it saying "don't worry about getting this. it's really expensive, it was just if anyone wanted to club together". Said item cost £17. Yes, a lot for a lipstick for us but I was so touched she has grown up understanding the value of things.

This is something I fret about. On the one hand I worry that we can't afford ponies and skiing holidays for our DC (as other parents around us do). On the other hand I am relieved as rampant consumerism is a major cause of climate change, habitat destruction, human rights abuses etc etc etc.
I haven't yet found a satisfactory solution to this quandary.

I kind of think if they've been everywhere and done everything by the time they're 18 what's left to discover? It's easy to get caught up though - I do it myself.