What has two legs and flies?
A pair of trousers.
Why do elephants paint their toes red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
How can you tell when a grape is unhappy?
It gives a little w(h)ine.
How do you get two whales in a Smart Car?
Just get on to the M4 and keep driving west.
Teacher: "If you asked your Mum for £2 and you asked your Dad for £3, how much would you have altogether?"
Pupil: "£2, Miss."
Teacher: "Wrong - you don't know your maths."
Pupil: "You don't know my Dad, Miss!"
Why should you never marry a tennis player?
Because 'love' means nothing to them.
What's a GP's favourite motion picture?
The Bristol Stool Chart.
What's brown and under the piano stool?
Beethoven's last movement.
A man turns deathly pale and slumps to the floor, so his wife calls an ambulance and goes with him to the hospital.
The doctor checks him over and says "I'm very sorry to have to tell you, Mrs Smith, but I really don't like the look of your husband."
She replies, "No need to apologise - neither do I, but he's always been good with the children!"
A woman goes into the chip shop and says "I'd like a steak and kidley pie with chips, please."
The man behind the counter says "Surely you mean a steak and KIDNEY pie?"
She replies, "That's exactly what I asked for, diddle I?"
A man goes to the GP and says "Doctor, I'm suffering with terrible diarrhoea."
The GP asks "Have you been having bad stomach pains?"
The man replies "No, I didn't feel a thing."
"When did you first notice it, then?" asks the GP.
The man says "When I removed my bicycle clips!"
Did you know that diarrhoea is hereditary?
It's true: it runs in your genes.
Why was 6 frightened of 7?
Because 7 8 9.
What did the 0 say to the 8?
"Nice belt!"
Did you know that women are much better at impersonating Black Country accents than men are?
Yes, the female of the species is more Dudley than the male.
What key does a piano play in if you drop it down a quarry shaft?
A flat minor.