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AIBU?

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Original poster

Unreasonable 14 year old - or is it me ?

354 replies

TAMumof3 · 09/03/2019 13:18

My 14 year old son has just swanned in from Tae kwon do practice, ignored the steak bake I've warmed for him for lunch and started cooking bacon and eggs for himself without asking.

He regularly does this - just help himself to whatever food he likes.

I'm particularly pissed off today as I'm just back from a trip from hell to Lidl and have shopped, unpack and written menu and stuck it on the fridge for the week.

Have had a go at him but he refused to stop cooking, left the kitchen in a mess and has now stropped off to bedroom to play computer games .... I have no idea how to parent this.

OP posts:
bullyingadvice2017 · 09/03/2019 15:19

I once got sent back across town for sausages to replace some me and my mate just ate as a snack. They were the tea for the family. My mum went crazy on me that day.

Now I have a teen I understand her

IceRebel · 09/03/2019 15:22

I think it's irrelevant whether or not he asked for the steak bake. But then we eat what's on the menu for the week and there isn't the option to eat something else if you don't fancy it.

So if he ate the steak bake and was still hungry afterwards, which is pretty likely as they're more of a snack than a meal, then what?

PlasticPatty · 09/03/2019 15:25

I get that if your budget is tight and you’ve carefully planned out the family’s meals then you don’t want stuff getting used up randomly
Thank goodness someone understands this.
OP, I haven't read everyone's posts. But the way forward, I think, might be to do your food plan and buying, and to plan extras eg an extra box of eggs/pack of bacon/soups/extra biscuits etc and have a 'help yourself' cupboard and a 'help yourself' box in the fridge. Make it clear what is free and what is needed for the meal plan. Teenagers are growing and get hungry. Their brains are mush and they struggle to be polite. But independence is a good sign. If you provide for it there should be less pain all round.

NutElla5x · 09/03/2019 15:25

Come back op the understanding and sensible posters have arrived Smile

dragoning · 09/03/2019 15:29

Oh, and the financial stuff is not a drip feed by OP. It's an explanation of the bleeding obvious to posters who I can only assume have never had to be careful about spending money on food

Yes! It was 100 percent clear from the OP that money is tight for her.

In our house snacks are freely available (toast, cereal, apples) but main meals are planned in advance on a take it or leave it basis. Because anything else is unaffordable.

Sparklingbrook · 09/03/2019 15:30

All the OP needs to do is explain the financial situation and tell their DS what he is and isn't allowed to help himself to. Then explain that any mess made needs to be cleared up.

dippywhentired · 09/03/2019 15:31

Ice Rebel - if he ate the steak bake and was still hungry, then that's different. He could have then asked if he could cook the bacon/eggs, or had toast or whatever.

OxanaVorontsova · 09/03/2019 15:31

I'd have an issue with not tidying up and not discussing making something different with me, but agree with others that he needs to be included in discussing meal planning/shopping so he understands what's involved. I have 2 teenagers and they know what they can help themselves to and what's there for family meals.

Sparklingbrook · 09/03/2019 15:32

It doesn't mention anything of money in the OP.

MuddlingMackem · 09/03/2019 15:36

Sparklingbrook Sat 09-Mar-19 15:32:20
It doesn't mention anything of money in the OP.

The OP screams out that it's about money. Not sure why she had to spell it out later on.

IceRebel · 09/03/2019 15:37

if he ate the steak bake and was still hungry, then that's different. He could have then asked if he could cook the bacon/eggs, or had toast or whatever.

But if the OP hadn't made the steak bake for him it would be still sat in the freezer to use at another time. Surely it's better to have just had the bacon and eggs, (providing he used a sensible amount) than to eat both?

(Assuming it's a frozen one as she has been shopping at lidl)

dragoning · 09/03/2019 15:38

This:
written menu and stuck it on the fridge for the week

plus upset about this:
started cooking bacon and eggs for himself without asking ... He regularly does this - just help himself to whatever food he likes.

Those things scream 'on a tight budget' to me, Sparklingbrook.

Sparklingbrook · 09/03/2019 15:40

I didn't read it like that at all. Nothing screamed at me other than OP likes to plan meals, and they think their 14 year old is cheeky for helping himself to food. And he attends martial arts classes.

dippywhentired · 09/03/2019 15:41

IceRebel - I don't disagree that it would have been sensible not to assume he wanted the steak bake. However, since she had prepped it for him, it is rude to refuse to eat it and make something else first.

Itssosunny · 09/03/2019 15:42

How nice that he can cook food.

Itssosunny · 09/03/2019 15:45

*Well, I have a 13 year old and I'd bloody love for her to make her own lunch.

Yes, ignorant the way he went about it but you do sound a bit overbearing. Perhaps it was his way of getting through to you that he wants to be able to choose his own food.*

And yes, bacon and eggs far nicer than steak bake. Totally agree with this post.

Dumbledorker · 09/03/2019 15:46

OP has paid for him to go to taekwondo. She has then gone to do a weekly shop on a budget, come home and put shopping away probably along with a million other errands we parents have to do. Shes grabbed the kids a steak bake for something quick and easy so DS has something to eat as soon as he comes home from his taekwondo. He will have probably had steak bakes before plenty of times and that's why she has chosen that for his lunch. It is enough for a 14 year olds lunch assuming hes had breakfast too otherwise why would people go to Gregg's all the time for a steak bake at lunchtimes? It's not a snack is it!? We dont know what the boys appetite is like ?
She was thinking about her son and bought him something to eat. I think it would have been a bit shit to not have provided him with something to eat at all after his class. he hasnt eaten something she has bought for him that hes probably eaten loads of times before and instead made used food that hes not asked if was meant for a specific planned meal and left a mess behind. Then goes up stairs to use electricity that she is paying for. He sounds bloody rude and needs more respect for her. No "thankyou for thinking of me mum and getting me something from greggs" no "thankyou for bloody providing for us mum and shopping while I was at the class your paying for" no "heres my kit can you wash it for me please" .

And so what if shes assumed what he wanted to eat. I dont ask my kids what they all want sometimes if I'm grabbing something quick for them especially if it's for tea it's written and planned and they ask me what we are having. I just make sure it's something they like and have eaten before as I'm not pandering to their appetites everyday and what they fancy from one day to the next.

Itssosunny · 09/03/2019 15:46

Meant to highlight everything not just one sentence.

Slowknitter · 09/03/2019 15:48

Yes, ignorant the way he went about it

Confused What was ignorant about it? He knows how to cook food for himself - which is surely the opposite of ignorant.

Weirdpenguin · 09/03/2019 15:50

I would be annoyed at anyone just taking food without asking first.

steff13 · 09/03/2019 15:53

You in the US?

Yes. I pay $3 per dozen, but they're from a friend's farm. If I get cage-free eggs from the grocery, they're about $4.50/dozen. But regular factory eggs are less than $2 a dozen.

I pay about $6 a pound for organic nitrate-free bacon, but regular bacon is about $3/lb.

Dumbledorker · 09/03/2019 15:53

Slowknitter because he had already been provided with something to eat that cost money and he chose to toss it aside and take it upon himself to use other food instead. It is good that he can cook for himself yes, doesn't mean he has the right to come home and raid the cupboards instead of eating something that has been bought specifically for his lunch.

hopefulhalf · 09/03/2019 15:54

The refference to steak bakes makes me think OP is in Uk

Strugglingtodomybest · 09/03/2019 16:00

I think he was rude, he should have acknowledged the food that was already prepared for him and cleared up after himself.

Shambalawadeewadee · 09/03/2019 16:04

My teens always ask before helping themselves, it’s very rare I would say no (only example would be if I was literally cooking dinner and it wasn’t going to be long until it’s ready). I didn’t realise this made me controlling, it’s just always been that way, it’s a complete non-issue in our house. If I’m out, of course they help themselves. We don’t keep a lot of snack food in the house so not sure what they would be grazing on apart from toast or fruit.

OP if I had made a meal for my child and they walked in, ignored it and started cooking something else I would be extremely annoyed at their rudeness. If they came in and said ‘oh mum I really don’t fancy a steak bake, would you mind if I made myself some bacon and eggs’ that would be fine. The issue here is entitlement and rudeness (including leaving a mess) rather than you being controlling about food.

All the posters who think it’s completely fine for a teen to ignore what their parents has cooked for them (and paid for), help themselves to food without even checking then leave a huge mess in the kitchen are going to be raising horribly entitled young adults IMO.