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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unreasonable 14 year old - or is it me ?

354 replies

TAMumof3 · 09/03/2019 13:18

My 14 year old son has just swanned in from Tae kwon do practice, ignored the steak bake I've warmed for him for lunch and started cooking bacon and eggs for himself without asking.

He regularly does this - just help himself to whatever food he likes.

I'm particularly pissed off today as I'm just back from a trip from hell to Lidl and have shopped, unpack and written menu and stuck it on the fridge for the week.

Have had a go at him but he refused to stop cooking, left the kitchen in a mess and has now stropped off to bedroom to play computer games .... I have no idea how to parent this.

OP posts:
ToftyAC · 10/03/2019 19:45

I don’t see a problem with him cooking & eating what’s available. However, I’d kick his arse for leaving a mess. But if it is down to money then you need to have a sit down talk with him and explain why meal planning is very important here. Otherwise- I’m afraid it’s locks on the fridge & cupboards.

ToftyAC · 10/03/2019 19:48

As an aside, check out the recipes done by Jack Monroe.... she really shows how to come up with great ideas when Cash is extremely tight. Get him trying some of those that are cheap, filling & nutritious. I gave the whole set of her books to my 16 year old son and he’s enthralled (thought it’d get him Uni ready). He can really belt out some cracking stuff now 👍

LakieLady · 10/03/2019 20:40

I really feel for people who have to feed teenagers when money is tight and every meal has to be carefully planned. Teenagers can empty a fridge in less time than it takes a plague of locusts to strip a field of crops. They're like bottomless pits.

Maybe he needs to learn the budgetting lesson OP. Work out how much of your food budget goes on stuff for lunches for a week, per person, and tell him you'll get him whatever he wants up to the budget for 7 lunches.

Actually, sod that: give him the money and let him go and buy 7 lunches for himself, then he can have whatever he wants providing it's within budget.

247mummsy · 10/03/2019 21:08

Jees is he a guest or does he actually live there? He shouldn’t have to ask permission for food in his own home. My sister in law goes round my parents house and helps herself to a cuppa, my mum welcomes it. I would love my son to do his own lunch at 14, and more helping out around the house while he’s at it, it’s not a holiday home.

247mummsy · 10/03/2019 21:20

@pinkstripeycat if they’re under your roof they do as they’re told - no shower = no tv/computer games tonight, if he doesn’t shower in the morning as asked = no tv/computer games that night too. But also sit down and explain, they get stroppy = same as above / they ask you for something = you don’t do it and see how they like it. Also give them some responsibility ie empty dishwasher etc, so they’re helping out whilst you’re ‘helping’ them with meals and washing.

247mummsy · 10/03/2019 21:22

@pinkstripeycat - to start new thread scroll up to the top of the page, click on the downward arrow, press start new thread.

nos123 · 10/03/2019 21:30

Just make sure he cleanes up after himself. If he’s old enough to make bacon and eggs then he’s old enough to do the dishes!

NorthbyNorthwest22 · 10/03/2019 21:34

My teenage son would regularly do this sort of thing until I finally snapped last summer. He 19 so tends not to want to come on day trips out with my younger daughter. One Saturday we were out early leaving him in bed. Got home at around 4pm to find the kitchen looking like someone had been running a cafe while we’d been out! I collected all the pots, plates, cups and mugs and took them to his bedroom, pulled back his duvet and placed them inside before pulling the duvet back up. I knew he would be out at the pub until around midnight and smugly waited for the shriek of horror when he drunkenly climbed into bed!
Still get the odd mug left in the sink but funnily enough nothing on that scale has happened since

Pocahontasponytail · 10/03/2019 22:31

I think there are two separate issues here - the obvious lack of respect he has for you (ignoring you and refusing to clean up)

And a 14 year old being told what to eat and not able to help himself to food.

Growing up my parents allowed us to eat what we wanted with the proviso that things such as a joint of pork, packet of mince etc was obviously for family meals.

Apart from that we had free range of the fridge as in bacon, eggs, crisps etc we could help ourselves to.

I think it's awful that someone has to ask permission for anything they would like to eat (as long as the above rule was adhered to). It's controlling and not normal in my experience.

If you have a limited budget then you need to have a discussion with your child how taking things willy nilly affects the family - the lack of respect in not tidying up etc would be the main issue for me.

BigChocFrenzy · 11/03/2019 00:05

It is how families struggling to make ends meet have to live
It's not controlling in that case
it's the only way to be fair to everyone

Those who can let their teens hekp themselves obviously aren't in that financial situation.

Bacon & eggs may be cheap to those of you in a privileged bubble
They are not cheap to someone trying to feed 2 kids for 99p

Ferret27 · 11/03/2019 00:49

I don’t think it’s just a bit rude but a bit selfish... my mum never sat any of us down to explain she had no money to shop twice in the week... we weren’t blind or stupid! We ate the meals that were cooked. We asked if it was ok to have x or y ... that’s just good manners till your old enough to contribute...
My brother still sneaked the odd extra slice of this and that... maybe it’s a boy thing....
All you parents with kids that can’t/ won’t cook!!! I dispair.. England’s full of overweight kids who lack some basic skills in courtecy.... the op is right to keep a handle on her food budget ... or haven’t some of you noticed the debt levels in lower income households!!! Try understanding what life is like in this country for many ..we have working families going to food banks for god sake 🙁
Op ... try not buying bacon and eggs until the day you want to cook them... also if you can afford an extra loaf of bread or jacket potatoes and let him know that he can snack on toast if his appetite is big..

Halo84 · 11/03/2019 00:56

One of our sons was independent like yours, OP, the other was not and still is not. I think it’s good your son is showing this independence. I would tell him he’s expected to clean up after he prepares himself food. Our son put dishes in the sink. Not perfect, but better than leaving a mess.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 11/03/2019 01:03

My water is now on a meter so I insist my DC ask permission before using the toilet.

AnOwlCalledPlop · 11/03/2019 01:06

Things that have astonished me in this thread:

  1. That someone actually has a “weekly planning meeting” with their family and expresses their irritation that teenager does not get out of bed for it.
  1. That people serve a meal of bacon, eggs and potatoes.
  1. That no one has admitted they’d have eaten the steak bake AND the bacon and eggs except me Blush
AnOwlCalledPlop · 11/03/2019 01:07

Also that people seem to have a tardis in the kitchen where the fridge should be. “Reserve a couple of shelves for meals, one for packed lunches and the rest is a free for all” - what!!

Rumboogie · 11/03/2019 01:23

Haven't RTFT but I think this is shocking behaviour. I would expect my a child of mine to have eaten what I had prepared, but asked if he could prepare his own lunch in future if that was what he preferred. Also to ask what he could have and to clear up after himself.

Rumboogie · 11/03/2019 01:27

It's awful to find that something you were planning to have/use for dinner or for the following day's lunch has been eaten!

pallisers · 11/03/2019 01:42

2. That people serve a meal of bacon, eggs and potatoes.

This astonishes you? That astonishes me.

What astonishes me in this thread is how many people are simply unable to understand people who have to live on a very tight budget.

Imperfectsusan · 11/03/2019 08:37

What astonishes me is the number of people here who don't mind at all if their teens raid the freezer for whatever they want, ignoring the planned meal and not thinking about what might be intended for other meals. It seems like the best evidence to date that a number of mumsnetters are teenagers themselves.

ilikemethewayiam · 11/03/2019 10:39

Agree with other PPs, at 14 surely he is entitled to choose his own food? However walking off afterwards and leaving someone else to clear up after him IS unacceptable. He must clean up afterwards or there are consequences! Switching off the WiFi is a good one.

SheSaidNoFuckThat · 11/03/2019 11:11

Has the OP come back and confirmed if DS is aware of budget restrictions etc? If she hasn't spoken to him how is he supposed to know?

ShartGoblin · 11/03/2019 12:01

Agree with a PP that if money is so tight that you can't afford to eat then he shouldn't be going to tae kwon do at all. I've grown up with nothing and the cost of a single lesson would have been more than our weekly food budget.

I don't think I would have done this as a child because I used to go along with the food shop and I was asked what I liked and what I didn't and told how much money we had and I was welcome to contribute but we needed x days food for £x. That sort of thing.

busyhonestchildcarer · 11/03/2019 13:01

My girls did this.Its annoying if money is tight and difficult for them to understand this.Get them involved in what you buy and help them to understand that they can cook their own meals but agree what food you have which is for specific things.Or agree when he can cook maybe giving a couple of days a week where you eat what youve cooked but involve him in what these meals will be.compromises are essential at this age

Fiveredbricks · 11/03/2019 13:16

One cupboard for snacks. One shelf for snacks or free food. One freezer drawer for free food. IF you can.

The rest is off limits and if they touch it then it comes out of their money if they have any. And if no money then they do the washing up and shopping for a week.

Easiest way though is to get them involved from young enough, to understand meal planning, shopping, budgets... Then they get 'why' certain food is off limits.

dippywhentired · 11/03/2019 16:47

I can't understand why anybody needs to have constant access to snacks either. 3 meals a day is plenty (as long as the portion sizes are right). Why the need to keep snacking through the day? No wonder there are so many obese kids out there if they can help themselves to crisps and chocolate whenever they like.