Unreasonable 14 year old - or is it me ?

[TAMumof3]

My 14 year old son has just swanned in from Tae kwon do practice, ignored the steak bake I've warmed for him for lunch and started cooking bacon and eggs for himself without asking.

He regularly does this - just help himself to whatever food he likes.

I'm particularly pissed off today as I'm just back from a trip from hell to Lidl and have shopped, unpack and written menu and stuck it on the fridge for the week.

Have had a go at him but he refused to stop cooking, left the kitchen in a mess and has now stropped off to bedroom to play computer games .... I have no idea how to parent this.

I'm surprised how many posters are amazed he can cook a bit, I thought 14 is the average age to want to try stuff or cook stuff your parents don't normally make whatever.

I must've been around that age and my mum hated people in her way and we had a dodgy cooker, plus there was no money for extra food for me to experiment really so I started pretty late anyways.

Quite clearly there are some VERY fortunate posters on here who never lived in a home where money was so tight that even the weetabix were rationed. It’s not about the OP being mean or tight, these are bloody difficult times and actually if someone has a very tight budget this behaviour could tip you over the edge.

You all make it sound like she’s being cruel to the children - clearly not the case, just trying to stay afloat on a tight budget which can’t allow for people eating food that is planned for something else.

And yes, in my house growing up, if we ate the penguins that were for school lunches any other time then we didn’t get one for lunch - because my hardworking mother couldn’t afford them. It doesn’t make her cruel or mean, she was just doing her best to provide as the OP is doing.

Those saying yay he cooks- have you missed the update where OP is inferring she couldn't eat lunch in order to feed the kids. That the bacon and eggs was for brekkie for three of them on the weekend? I think the idea of a 'free' food shelf and all else has to be left alone is a good one for you. Also maybe explain to him juts how tight the food shopping is, and that he's potentially depriving others of meals, whilst showing him what he can eat if what's on offer isn't'good' enough. I don't care someone's cooking if it means the rest of the family is compromised. And he had the internet turned off until he cleans up.

i am SO much better then my twat of a stepbrother. i just don't know how he has what i want

She didn't eat lunch to get them a steak bake each. Not a great idea, especially since it will not fill a 14 year old who has been exercising.

The rest of the family dont need to be compromised. He just doesnt get any tomorrow.

OP needs to explain exactly why she is bothered about food. Then involve him in the meal planning and budgeting. It's ok telling him money is tight but at 14 he should, within reason, get some say in what he was eating.

I wouldn't want a steak bake either, especially after sports. You need to have some things in the fridge for lunches, tell him those are the lunch things you can help yourself to whatever you want from those, eggs are cheap and nutritious and at least he can cook. He does need to clean up though.

I used to walk to town in the wet and cold, (Dd bundled up in her pushchair with a raincover), to save £1.50 for a bit more food.
It was bloody freezing and not much warmer when I got home as the heating was rationed.
Treats in our house were Asda Smart price yogurts and I'd never have eaten one, they were for Dd, or broken biscuits from Farmfoods, though I still buy those!

There were no food banks then.

Some people really have no idea what it's like to have to count every penny.

I think that teaching children about meal planning and budgeting is very important. The OP needs to make the 14 year old part of the weekly meal planning, and let him have some input into what is being eaten, but also taught about why we have to buy cheaper items sometimes.

I know as parents we often sugar coat things for our children, but I think that honest conversations about budgeting and what can and can't be afforded are important. I grew up with parents who never discussed money, and where is we really wanted something, we generally got it. As a result, I had a very rude awakening when I was on my own about budgeting. Now, with DS, whilst I am lucky not to have money problems, I don't want DS to grow up thinking he can get anything he wants.

The rule in my house (for everyone including DH!) is you cook, you clean. Simple. If the kids leave a mess behind, they lose their electronics until they clean. I am happy to cook but when I do, I clean afterwards so why shouldn’t they? Oh and if they want to cook, they have to be prepared to cook for everyone, not just themselves.

My only issue would be the cleaning - mine always do this kind of thing, often with mates. But you shouldn't have to clean up!

Trip the upstairs ring mains... When he comes back down what's wrong mum tell him you'll fix it when the kitchen is tidy

Him cooking his own food great, however I wouldn’t have let him swan to play computer games if he hadn’t cleaned his mess up

It may have been a bit rude. However, he might be trying to exercise a little independence and actually felt like bacon and eggs. Was the steak meal specifically for him or part of the meal for the family. If specifically for him, I'd be a bit annoyed.

TAmumof3, I feel your pain. This has helped me a lot in the last few weeks, living with a certain 14 year old DC.

gretchenschmelzer.com/blog-1/2016/7/4/parents-corner-the-letter-your-teenager-cant-write-you?fbclid=IwAR2rs4fp-uUGQE6mQE95UJkz5hrWc6Ff33Q--i0ngxTW4jSbc9h-cDnyglU

How on earth can you plan family meals if everyone is just allowed free range with all the food? I'd be mighty fucked off if I went to cook dinner and someone else had eaten the constituents of it already! In this house DH and DD check with me before cooking for themselves.

Of course, I buy basics for sandwiches etc. for lunch which they know they can use, but the rest is planned for meals.

My kids are pre-teens allowed to make lunch for themselves. Generally the rule is ask before hand or come in and tell me what they fancy. This is only because if we are running low, I'd advise
them not to make that lunch with the last egg. So first, I'd probably freeze the meal I made for him till another day, and take a moment to be proud that your son has used what you've taught him (self-sufficiency) to make himself some food. Secondly, before confiscating or turing off wifi, I'd call him downstairs and have a quick chat explaining your expectations if he uses the kitchen. Then let hI'm clean it up. I'd go down the "I provide this for you, so.... " route, only if he gets rude! Turn of wifi etc if things get beyond listening. Try and relax yourself first before speaking to him. Remember we arecommend trying to raise balanced, moral and we'll rounded independent young men and women. So focus on the long term goal and then act. Xxxx

He can get a part time job and buy his own bacon and eggs. I did at that age and bought all my won clothes as frankly my brothers hand me downs and mums 2nd hand stuff wasn’t exactly Tammy girl.

Does he know how tight stuff is? I did so I helped out!

I think you need to sit him down and explain your situation regarding tight finances. He's old enough to understand that you have a budget to stick to and hopefully that will make him think twice.
I used to have this issue with my DS as a teenager, he was always starving and I came home to find the chicken I'd left in the fridge for our main meal had been chopped up by him to stick in fajitas for lunch. I got around it by asking him what sort of things he wanted for lunch and we agreed what he was allowed to have free access to and what he needed to ask for. You could do the same with your DS, stuff like breakfast cereal, crumpets, peanut butter on toast is pretty cheap and will fill him up.

I would have been annoyed too.

I always meal plan on a budget and it’s bloody rude not to eat what has been prepared for you.

I would be annoyed too OP I was always taught to ask before taking anything and if I was making something would ask if anyone else wanted it to eat too and clean up after myself. It's called good manners!

I'd be tempted to give either nothing or toast for the meal when eggs and bacon would have been eaten.

Threads like this make you realise how middle class a lot of people are. Yes great he can cook but when you are on a strict budget you have nothing to spare; we aren't all SAHM with hubby earning 6 figure salaries and your biggest worry is that you can't juggle a baby and lunching with pals. At 14 he is more than able to understand a budget so sit him down and explain it to him and allow input on meal planning.

I think the fact that we all clearly have very different approaches isn't helping as things that are allowed in some households are not in others. We are laid back about this and we as well as our teenagers organise our own breakfast, lunch and often evening meals as well. This has evolved over the years due to a combination of us rarely all being here at once and some of us having different dietary requirements/ food intolerances etc. So in my house, it would be normal and acceptable to sort themselves out for a weekend lunch and strange if I'd made something in advance for them.

However, if your rules are different, if you have a setup in place that requires them eating what they are given and nothing besides, then yes your DS was being rude and acting inappropriately and you must discuss with him why he was wrong and reinforce why things have to work the way you want them to.
He is at an age where he is gaining independence and if the posts on here are anything to go by you may be in the minority among his friends for running things this way. You must talk it through with him to explain that you have no choice but to stick to this for budgeting reasons but that maybe he can help plan shopping lists etc in future and have a greater influence over the things you buy in (ie more bacon, less steak bakes).

A 14 year old is cooking for himself? Isn't that a good thing? And you have a menu for the week? Maybe he's fed up of having to stick to a menu. He shouldn't leave a mess and it's rude if you've cooked for him so maybe don't cook for him so much. Find out of he's having your food or his own on that day. Most teenagers are ignorant like this, but many don't cook for themselves. Just teach him to do the dishes too

I need help but don’t know how to start a new thread. I have DS age 13. Just asked him to shower so tomorrow he can get up and have a quick sink wash as I have to be at work early on a Monday (I drop him as I drive past school on way to work). DH says DS should walk the 3.5 miles to school but my worry is he’d leave the front door wide open as he frequently does when we leave the house. We did forget something once and had to go back, he’d left the door pulled too but open. DS is arguing and saying he’ll get up early and shower - he won’t, he never does. DH says we’re raising spoilt brats but I don’t think doing kids washing along with the whole families washing and cooking a family meal each day is spoiling them is it? Seems we row wii our kids all the time these days over simple things like showers and brushing teeth

@pinkstripeycat
Seriously your 13 yr old can't be trusted to shut the front door?
He's 13 not a toddler.