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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP going out

114 replies

Eslteacher06 · 09/03/2019 12:01

I'm married to an amazing man and have a 2 year old who takes ages to get to bed. I'm also 7 months pregnant.

Friends who I haven't seen in two years are coming to visit-its been planned for months. Originally, we were going out and DP was going to look after DD. They don't want to go out so DP said he'd feel uncomfortable staying in with us. We both said ok-DP go out.

His mate has booked a table for 7.15. With the best will in the world, DD doesn't go to bed til 7-7.30. I said well maybe give your order to him and you may miss your starter as DD might not be in bed by then. The last thing I want to do is look after my friends and be dealing with DD screaming on my own.

Apparently I'm unreasonable because all his mates get to go out when they want. Yeah...and their wives are not happy with it but put up with it. I haven't seen these friends in two years and I barely go out for myself. Apparently that's my problem that I don't go out more. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
TheQueef · 09/03/2019 12:03

YABU
It sounds like he made his plan around yours and you want to disrupt it for the sake of fifteen minutes?

Sirzy · 09/03/2019 12:04

How much looking after does your friend need? Hmm

Original poster
Eslteacher06 · 09/03/2019 12:06

It's not 15 minutes. She can be a complete pain to get to bed so it could be an hour of going up and down. He wouldn't have gone out had my friends not been here.

OP posts:
Hoplittlebunnies · 09/03/2019 12:07

I'm with you OP - this is your "night off", it just happens to be at home. So your DP should be responsible for childcare and then go out once your DD is in bed asleep. The same way he would be if you had spent your night off going out.

dragonsfire · 09/03/2019 12:07

Well he needs to be getting her in bed earlier and as long as he had given time and effort to get DD sorted before he goes that’s all you can ask of him. If DD has not gone to sleep after he has tried then you need to step in and let him go out.

Your already assuming it will be an issue when it might not be!

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 09/03/2019 12:07

Why have another dc if you can manage dd alone?
Not goady I just don't understand why your dh needs to help you manage 1 dc...

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 09/03/2019 12:09

I think it depends if you've said 'go out' or 'ok then, go out but can you do all the putting to bed stuff so that I can pretend I'm out.' Two different set-ups.

And next time, you go out! Doesn't matter if your friends want to stay in, you never go out!

DonnaDarko · 09/03/2019 12:14

Tbh Im confused as to why you said he could go out when you're trying to spend quality time with friends. I'm also confused about why he can't just suck it up and try to engage with your friends.

But you agreed he could go out and didn't stipulate any rules about that beforehand, so you might need to just try to make it work.

Original poster
Eslteacher06 · 09/03/2019 12:14

I guess I'm going to have to drip feed here or maybe I am just being completely unreasonable.

DD has not wanted me near her for months and screams for DP. Logically, I know this is a phase, but with being pregnant and my emotions all over the place, I can't handle it. I don't want an audience either.

I haven't seen my friends for years so want to spend as much time with them as possible. DP saw his friends Wednesday, and at that time told them he was coming out.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 09/03/2019 12:16

I think him not being there for s bedtime may be a good thing then so she realises mummy can do just a perfect job!

Original poster
Eslteacher06 · 09/03/2019 12:17

#easterbunnyiscomingsoon...thanks. That's what I'm absolutely terrified of. How the hell am I going to deal with two?

Oh well, I guess I opened myself up to be flamed.

OP posts:
geekone · 09/03/2019 12:17

Wow poor OP not the expected reactions.

Ok so as I see it, it’s your DHs turn to put DD to be bed and you have made plans with your friend. He has decided to leave early and not complete his parenting duty YANBU he’s shirking his responsibilities.

As for those saying why does the OP need help with one child, it’s not help it’s parenting which he should just be doing as a given.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 09/03/2019 12:18

I'm not sure why he has to go out because your friends are round, he could settle DD then if he doesn't want to socialise have a Netflix night/read a book etc

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 09/03/2019 12:18

He then gets another night to go out

Poloshot · 09/03/2019 12:18

Yabu

Nogoodusername · 09/03/2019 12:20

Hi OP. YANBU. Your DH should consider that you are out with friends - you just happen to be in the house. So he is responsible for putting DD to bed, and if it goes well, he goes out. It is your night off not his - you booked it, and quite frankly I think he is being unfair not wanting to stick to his part of the agreement and be on childcare duty because you happen to be having your evening out at home

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 09/03/2019 12:22

With hindsight, I suppose it might have been an idea to arrange to meet your friends for drinks out somewhere (whilst dd is put to bed by your dp) and then return to the house for food/nibbles/whatever and he could have then gone out with his mates.

Original poster
Eslteacher06 · 09/03/2019 12:24

@dragonsfire I agree with you. I am making assumptions. It might be all fine. I was happy to do what you suggested. But that's happened in the past and he's got stressed because DD wasn't playing ball...which made her upset and then it takes longer.

@Donnadarko He has no issues with them. He just considers it 'girl talk'. We're always together so I took it as an opportunity to hang out with friends alone.

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 09/03/2019 12:24

Get your friend to put DD to bed with a story. She'll probably be as good as gold due to the novelty of it.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 09/03/2019 12:26

Why have another dc if you can manage dd alone?
Not goady I just don't understand why your dh needs to help you manage 1 dc...

Are you serious? What a stupid remark. Of course OP can manage her DD alone - I'm sure she does so every night of the week. She wants to spend time with her friends who she hasn't seen in two years instead of leaving them alone for an hour while she tries to get DD to fall asleep.

I don't see why DH is so uncomfortable staying in anyway. Surely he could just sit in the bedroom and watch a film out of the way?

CoachBombay · 09/03/2019 12:27

I often have had friends round when it's bedtime for DS, who could at times take two hours to get to bed. I used to find it was easier when I had friends round because I was distracted, I didn't seem to get so stressed about it all. It was a simple return, good night because quite simply I wanted to return to my friends company. My friend never minded, she's my friend we've known each other years and it's not like she doesn't know I'm a mother.

Try to relax about the whole situation, you've gone in stressed before bedtime has even begun.

With regards to DH if you have not clearly stipulated a time for him to go out, 7pm is a reasonable time to go out for a meal and meet up, so I can see why the friend made a table booking for that time.

Deadringer · 09/03/2019 12:28

Yanbu. Your dh needs to get his friend to change the booking time for an hour later. Surely that won't be a big deal.

BottleOfJameson · 09/03/2019 12:29

Of course YANBU and lots of these responses are plain stupid.

You booked a night with your friends so DH is on childcare watch. If he can't handle making himself scarce in the house while you chat with friends then he can go out but only if it works around your plans. It's your night off. He's being a massive baby.

I would say if it's such a problem for him to be late to the meal he rebooks it for later or doesn't go at all. Those are the two options.

RaspberryBubblegum · 09/03/2019 12:31

YANBU at all. He gets to see his friends every week, you haven't seen yours for 2 years. If he puts her to bed sounds like it will all be done a lot quicker than if you do it. I have the same problem with DD who's 2 but she will only have me, not husband. If husband hadn't seen his friends for 2 years there's no way I'd be making him do bedtime the one night they are visiting. Selfish.

Meandmetoo · 09/03/2019 12:31

But you told him to go out?

Imo (and sadly ime!) a consequence of having a night in with friends when you have small DC's is that they will be little turds and difficult to manage at times during the night due to the excitement of having new people around. Could you bring forward her bedtime by a little to take a bit of pressure off? Or get your friends round earlier so you have a bit more time with them? Could he ask the friend to rearrange the table for a bit later?

Is there a chance that even if he could re-arrange things, that your DD could still be a handful? I'm thinking if it would cause some friction if she's playing up, he's waiting to go out, your friends hearing all the commotion, you getting embarassed, him getting annoyed, DD getting even more fractious........

I'd be a bit unimpressed if I'd arranged to go out so dp could have a night in with his friends but he needed me to stay to put one child to bed tbh. I'd tell him to piss off!