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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP going out

114 replies

Eslteacher06 · 09/03/2019 12:01

I'm married to an amazing man and have a 2 year old who takes ages to get to bed. I'm also 7 months pregnant.

Friends who I haven't seen in two years are coming to visit-its been planned for months. Originally, we were going out and DP was going to look after DD. They don't want to go out so DP said he'd feel uncomfortable staying in with us. We both said ok-DP go out.

His mate has booked a table for 7.15. With the best will in the world, DD doesn't go to bed til 7-7.30. I said well maybe give your order to him and you may miss your starter as DD might not be in bed by then. The last thing I want to do is look after my friends and be dealing with DD screaming on my own.

Apparently I'm unreasonable because all his mates get to go out when they want. Yeah...and their wives are not happy with it but put up with it. I haven't seen these friends in two years and I barely go out for myself. Apparently that's my problem that I don't go out more. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
BottleOfJameson · 09/03/2019 12:32

@CoachBombay

That's ridiculous. OP has been looking forward to a night off and hasn't seen these friends in years why should she spend half the evening up and down stairs when DH agreed to look after the kids that night. Ridiculous. I don't get these women who treat their DC's dad like some kind of incompetent. It was his (ridiculous) choice to go out instead of just reading a book upstairs so if the plans don't work it's his problem. He can book a night off a different time.

Original poster
Eslteacher06 · 09/03/2019 12:33

@Deadringer. Oh... you'd think so, wouldn't you? :) He books when it suits him and sod you if it doesn't work for you. And all his mates fall in with the party line. I wouldn't mind but it's a quiet Indian that doesn't require booking.

OP posts:
CripsSandwiches · 09/03/2019 12:33

@Meandmetoo
OP didn't tell him to go out he said he wasn't comfortable staying in if her friends were going to be there. That's his problem.

CripsSandwiches · 09/03/2019 12:34

I would tell him that he can miss his night out and stay in in case DD wakes up after she's gone to bed. He can grab some drinks and sit in the bedroom watching a film.

Damntheman · 09/03/2019 12:36

YANBU OP! Just because your plans are at home doesn't mean he gets to shirk his duty. He knows what time DD goes to bed and how long it takes. His 7.15 plans are inconsiderate and he needs to understand that he will be late.

This isn't about OP coping with her own child. She shouldn't have to when they had already agreed this was her time with her friends.

Meandmetoo · 09/03/2019 12:37

"We both said ok-DP go out. "

Ah I read this bit wrong Blush

Either way it was agreed he'd go out. I wouldn't want to stay in if dp had his mates round either.

Sirzy · 09/03/2019 12:38

Who normally does bedtime? Your previous post suggests it’s always him?

Bluntness100 · 09/03/2019 12:39

I dont really understand why your friends don't want to go out, why didn't you explain to them you have a toddler at home who is difficult to get to bed and explain that she would be even more disturbed as she will hear them?

Can he cancel his night out, and you go out instead, as this set up is simply not going to work.

Babygrey7 · 09/03/2019 12:40

With small kids and babies, to get time off properly, you need to actually leave the houseGrin

I joined a gym so I could drink coffee in peace once in a while, when mine were small Grin

AnneOfCleanTables · 09/03/2019 12:40

I'd tell him he needs to change his plans. It isn't going to work. It's your night with your friends and that takes priority because you don't see them much, you don't go out much and you're pregnant. A decent partner should agree. If he feels uncomfortable being in with you and them Hmm then he needs to suck it up for one night. He can stay upstairs so he's on hand for DD.
It sounds as though you need to start being firmer with people. You changed the initial plans to suit your friends even though you knew your DD was being difficult at bedtime and that a night at home wouldn't be as relaxing then you let your DH opt out. Toughen up and you'll cope with two DCs just fine Wink Flowers

Crystalintheeyes · 09/03/2019 12:42

Well you are the one that wanted him to go out. How late was he meant to wait to meet his friends ?

7.15 is hardly him going out early.

If you wanted him to look after dd all night then you should of went out with your friends instead.

Bluntness100 · 09/03/2019 12:42

With small kids and babies, to get time off properly, you need to actually leave the house

Of course you do, this child will not settle. Her dad who does her routine won't be there and there will be strangers in the house and she will hear them.

Original poster
Eslteacher06 · 09/03/2019 12:43

@meandmetoo I had originally booked the night off though? In my eyes, he's on DD watch.

The friends are staying over-infact I'm going to meet them now. They've travelled from opposite ends of the country to see me which is why I'm being accommodating to them. I think next time I'll say we're going out, as some of you have said, I rarely get to go out.

Lesson learned though - if it happens again, I'm going to make sure we're both clear.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 09/03/2019 12:44

He can stay upstairs so he's on hand for DD.

WTAF? He has to sit upstairs in a bedroom? It's the op that suggested he go out so she gets time with her friends. Which is totally illogical with a child with a poor routine.

Bluntness100 · 09/03/2019 12:45

In my eyes, he's on DD watch

How can he be on watch if you said for him to go out? It means you're on watch as the only parent there.

Jenala · 09/03/2019 12:45

Can't believe these reactions. If I have friends round, DH does bedtime as otherwise I'm up and down like a fucking yo-yo and it's not only annoying but a bit embarrassing. Don't know if some pp are imagining it's just a case of popping them into bed but if you have a DC that that struggles to go down it's a massive pain in the arse that can take ages.

Why can't he just arrange to meet for dinner at 8 or something? It's a bit selfish and unfair.

CripsSandwiches · 09/03/2019 12:46

Well you are the one that wanted him to go out. How late was he meant to wait to meet his friends ?

No she wasn't! He said he wasn't comfortable staying in. That's his problem. He knows what time DD goes to bed so if he really had to go out he should have planned around that.

Loopytiles · 09/03/2019 12:46

YANBU, it’s friends you rarely see and your “night off”, so he should cover the parenting.

Why wouldn’t he “feel comfortable” being in?

Damntheman · 09/03/2019 12:47

I get the impression OP agreed he should go out (later) so she wouldn't have to listen to him whine about being around 'women's talk' anymore. In which case why should his being weird about it mean OP no longer gets her booked time off with her friends she doesn't get to see?

Meandmetoo · 09/03/2019 12:48

"Of course you do, this child will not settle. Her dad who does her routine won't be there and there will be strangers in the house and she will hear them."

And it's highly likely the dd will be a handful regardless. Im not sure what the answer is now though? It's not fair to 'tell' the dp he needs to stay in on the day, nor would it be fair to have 'told' him he needs to stay in anyway if he's uncomfortable to do so (which I do understand). Are there any grandparents on the scene up for having her for the night perhaps?

AnneOfCleanTables · 09/03/2019 12:48

Bluntness Op didn't suggest it. He whined that he'd be uncomfortable in the house with them . . . which makes no bloody sense since OP has now said they're staying over with them.

Bluntness100 · 09/03/2019 12:49

Don't know if some pp are imagining it's just a case of popping them into bed but if you have a DC that that struggles to go down it's a massive pain in the arse that can take ages

So she should have gone out and said to her friends, sorry we can't stay in, I've a poor sleeper, it takes ages for her to go down, and she would be disturbed by our noise, for her sake we need to go out

CripsSandwiches · 09/03/2019 12:49

@Jenala

Exactly these reactions are stupid. OP booked this night off to relax with old friends. That means DH is on kid watch as he agreed. If he's so uncomfortable being in the house with OP's friends then he goes out once DD is settled. OP wants a night off to switch off and relax not having to listen out for DD getting out of bed for the 50th time.

Loopytiles · 09/03/2019 12:49

It shows a real lack of regard for his partner IMO to put his social plans with friends he can see anytime above parenting his DC to enable her to spend time with friends living far away.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/03/2019 12:50

Even with the drip feed I’d say you’re BU.

Millions of people manage to get their kids to bed every night without having to rely on anyone.