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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP going out

114 replies

Eslteacher06 · 09/03/2019 12:01

I'm married to an amazing man and have a 2 year old who takes ages to get to bed. I'm also 7 months pregnant.

Friends who I haven't seen in two years are coming to visit-its been planned for months. Originally, we were going out and DP was going to look after DD. They don't want to go out so DP said he'd feel uncomfortable staying in with us. We both said ok-DP go out.

His mate has booked a table for 7.15. With the best will in the world, DD doesn't go to bed til 7-7.30. I said well maybe give your order to him and you may miss your starter as DD might not be in bed by then. The last thing I want to do is look after my friends and be dealing with DD screaming on my own.

Apparently I'm unreasonable because all his mates get to go out when they want. Yeah...and their wives are not happy with it but put up with it. I haven't seen these friends in two years and I barely go out for myself. Apparently that's my problem that I don't go out more. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

CripsSandwiches · 09/03/2019 12:50

So she should have gone out and said to her friends, sorry we can't stay in, I've a poor sleeper, it takes ages for her to go down, and she would be disturbed by our noise, for her sake we need to go out

Don't be ridiculous! DD isn't disturbed by their noise. Why should the OP have to leave the house? They want a night in and DH should act like a normal grown up and be able to look after his own DD in his own house - even if OP is there with friends.

AnneOfCleanTables · 09/03/2019 12:51

He's being very selfish and he's ruining everyone else's night so he can go out with friends that he sees regularly anyway.
OP I'd tell him there's been a change of plan. You and your friends take the restaurant booking. He gets to stay in with his friends.

Original poster

Eslteacher06 · 09/03/2019 12:52

@bluntness100 they both have two kids and probably thought it would be easier to have a night in. Ironically...they are just happy to have a night childfree 🤣

They would completely understand if DD plays up. But I just don't have the mental capacity lately to try and have a conversation and deal with DD.

I've not had them stay since I've had my DD and I've just suggested what we always do without actually thinking about it.

I blame baby brain for all this lol

OP posts:

Meandmetoo · 09/03/2019 12:52

Yes op but you then agreed he could go out so clearly he couldn't be on DD watch if hes not there?

What has he said about this btw? Has he asked his pal to book the table for a bit later? Were only talking half an hour if you were thinking he'd miss the starter. If he's not attempted that at least then that's a bit crap.

CripsSandwiches · 09/03/2019 12:53

@GreatDuckCookery

I seriously can't get over responses like yours - so illogical. Where did OP say she can't put her DD to bed? Of course she can. She can't do that while simultaneously relaxing with her friends. Is that so hard to understand? If OP was a single mum maybe she'd have to but she isn't. She's a woman who has a husband who agreed to look after his own DD for a night. Why shouldn't the OP get one single night off to relax with her friends in her own home.

Bluntness100 · 09/03/2019 12:56

Shocked at these reactions, if my husband said h was having a night with the boys, could I look after my daughter, I would without hesitation, but I would expect them all to fuck off out, and not leave me sitting there trying o deal with an over tiRed kid disrupted by their noise, to sit in my bedroom, or fucking join them whilst tying to deal with thr kid.

Very odd that people would be happy with that.

HolesinTheSoles · 09/03/2019 12:56

I don't get all these women who treat their DH's like a delicate flowers - some of these suggestions are so outrageous. Of course OP could put her DD to bed if she had to but why should she? It's a special evening with friends that she booked way in advance. It doesn't matter where the evening is happening it's a night off and she doesn't want to spend an hour or more of it putting her DD to bed. DH can stay in and look after her.

HolesinTheSoles · 09/03/2019 12:59

@Bluntness100

You're being ridiculous and you know it. How do you know OP is going to be making loads of noise - she's pregnant she's not arranging a rave just a catch up with friends. My DH has friends over to watch the football sometimes and I look after the kids. Likewise I can have some friends over for glasses of wine and he's on kid wake up duty. WE don't make loads of noise and the person looking after the kids relaxes with a book/magazine/netflix. I can't believe you'd make such a drama out of looking after your own kids while your partner has a night in with friends - very very strange.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/03/2019 13:00

Where did OP say she can't put her DD to bed? Of course she can

The OP says her DD hasn’t wanted her near her for months and only wants DH. I took that as the OP hasn’t been doing bed times alone.

I wouldn’t ask DH to miss his starter or order ahead so he could put a child to bed when I’d already asked him to go out.

Sirzy · 09/03/2019 13:01

But the op agreed for him to go out! If it was a problem she should have said. But even if it was a problem the suggestions of him having to hide upstairs are bonkers!

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 09/03/2019 13:01

I would put dd to bed at 6.30 as a one off so you have longer,maybe ask your friends to come for 7.30 so you have a good hour try and get her to sleep.Unless your dp can book a later table I don't see any other way round it.Yabu if you think he should miss a course just to put your dd to bed,it shouldn't take two of you every night.

UserName31456789 · 09/03/2019 13:01

Very odd that people would be happy with that.

Why on earth is it odd for someone to have a night in with some friends while their partner deals with the kid. I literally have no idea why a grown up couldn't handle that. I host a book club sometimes and DH manages fine. How loud are you and you friends that they're likely to disturb the entire household?

Bluntness100 · 09/03/2019 13:01

Lol, I'm being ridiculous. Nice insult. But unless she lives in a big house, then any standard house and people downstairs and the kid is going to here them, and she will know they are there.

So I think we know it's you being ridiculous. Unless you can't get past your sound proofed mansion where kids can't here visitors down stairs.

UserName31456789 · 09/03/2019 13:02

But the op agreed for him to go out! If it was a problem she should have said. But even if it was a problem the suggestions of him having to hide upstairs are bonkers!

Why does he have to hide upstairs?

Sirzy · 09/03/2019 13:02

Plenty of people are suggesting he should be stayinb upstairs with a book!

UserName31456789 · 09/03/2019 13:03

DH doesn't even need to book the restaurant he can go out an hour later. OP agreed for him to go out AFTER DD was asleep and he's just ignored it.

Sirzy · 09/03/2019 13:04

The op said they agreed for him to go out. Nowhere does it say they agreed (before the point of making plans) that he would do bedtime first. She may have assumed that but that’s a different matter!

UserName31456789 · 09/03/2019 13:04

sting he should be stayinb upstairs with a book

If he's uncomfortable with her friends why can't he stay upstairs with a book? That's what I do when DH watches football with freinds. I'm not "hiding" I'm just sitting upstairs to give them space (and because football is boring as hell). Surely that's what people do? What kind of adult wouldn't manage that? Or he can go out an hour later? What's the big problem

Bluntness100 · 09/03/2019 13:04

I host a book club sometimes and DH manages fine.

So you live in a house so big that you can have several guests at once that kids upstairs can't hear, particularly poorly sleeping toddlers. Good for you, but you do understand not everyone's house is like this?

UserName31456789 · 09/03/2019 13:05

The op said they agreed for him to go out. Nowhere does it say they agreed (before the point of making plans) that he would do bedtime first. She may have assumed that but that’s a different matter!

You know you're being silly. If he misunderstood he can easily rearrange plans. It was very clear DH was in charge of putting DD to bed from what OP wrote.

Original poster

Eslteacher06 · 09/03/2019 13:05

When I say 'DD watch' I mean until she's settled, and we're lucky cause she's ok until the morning. I can and dosort my daughter out...I wanted a night off.

I only found out an hour ago the table booking was 7-7.15pm. It was his reaction that really upset me when I said he would have to miss the starter, like I'm ruining his night out....when it wasn't his night off to begin with!

OP posts:

IHateUncleJamie · 09/03/2019 13:06

Just put your foot down and tell him that if you WERE going out, he’d have to do the bedtime routine. Why can’t he just change the booking to 8 or 8.15pm? Have you asked him?

UserName31456789 · 09/03/2019 13:06

Either you people all have kids that are very easy to put to bed or you're all incredibly selfish. You couldn't sit upstairs for a book for one evening to let your partner catch up properly with friends they haven't seen for years?

Bluntness100 · 09/03/2019 13:06

If he's uncomfortable with her friends why can't he stay upstairs with a book

There is no way I'd do that in my own home, or expect my husband to, nor has he ever expected it of me. Mutual respect, we both go out.

Meandmetoo · 09/03/2019 13:07

But the issue is it was agreed he'd go out. It's a bit late on now for op to move the goalposts (and I'd rather die a thousand deaths than tell my friends i wasnt going out because i had to put my DC to bed because dp couldn't)

Op if you're going out now with your friends who is looking after your DD? If not dp assume grandparents etc, could they step in here to help out? Sleepover at granny's? And next time just plan things a bit better.

As a side my dp used to pull the "I never go out" and it was a bit draining and annoying, it was his choice not to go out!

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