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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP going out

114 replies

Eslteacher06 · 09/03/2019 12:01

I'm married to an amazing man and have a 2 year old who takes ages to get to bed. I'm also 7 months pregnant.

Friends who I haven't seen in two years are coming to visit-its been planned for months. Originally, we were going out and DP was going to look after DD. They don't want to go out so DP said he'd feel uncomfortable staying in with us. We both said ok-DP go out.

His mate has booked a table for 7.15. With the best will in the world, DD doesn't go to bed til 7-7.30. I said well maybe give your order to him and you may miss your starter as DD might not be in bed by then. The last thing I want to do is look after my friends and be dealing with DD screaming on my own.

Apparently I'm unreasonable because all his mates get to go out when they want. Yeah...and their wives are not happy with it but put up with it. I haven't seen these friends in two years and I barely go out for myself. Apparently that's my problem that I don't go out more. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 09/03/2019 13:07

Just because someone disagrees with you doesn’t make them silly and throwing around things like that doesn’t do anything to strengthen your point.

Scarydinosaurs · 09/03/2019 13:07

Is it too late to switch and say you’re going out?

Godowneasy · 09/03/2019 13:07

This particular evening was supposed to be all about op seeing her friend. It's now become all about op's husband going out.
It's extremely selfish of him!
It shouldn't be a big deal for him to just fall in with whatever best suits op.

UserName31456789 · 09/03/2019 13:07

So you live in a house so big that you can have several guests at once that kids upstairs can't hear, particularly poorly sleeping toddlers. Good for you, but you do understand not everyone's house is like this?

Yes but clearly OP's house is big enough because she's not worried about waking DD up when she's asleep. Having a few friends over won't wake up most toddlers in most houses. Most adults talk and watch TV after DC's are in bed anyway and DC's aren't woken by it.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/03/2019 13:08

What’s to say the child isn’t going to play up after DH has gone out? The OP will have to see to her. She goes to bed between 7 and 7.30 anyway so it’s not like she’d up that long after DH has gone out.

It wouldn’t even enter my head to make DH wait and do bed time.

Can’t believe how many are saying he should!

Whisky2014 · 09/03/2019 13:11

A) id start putting her ti bed from now so she is used to it.
B) why cant he just make the meal for say, 8pm Instead Confused

IHateUncleJamie · 09/03/2019 13:11

What’s to say the child isn’t going to play up after DH has gone out?

The OP literally said that the dd is fine until the morning; i.e. once she’s asleep she’s asleep. If the DH went out later as opposed to right in the middle of bedtime then I assume there wouldn’t be a problem.

Foottunnel · 09/03/2019 13:12

Just put your foot down and tell him that if you WERE going out, he’d have to do the bedtime routine. Why can’t he just change the booking to 8 or 8.15pm? Have you asked him?

^ This

HomeMadeMadness · 09/03/2019 13:14

I love the people grasping at straws. A few people chatting will wake up the kids, poor dh will miss his starter. This is OP's night off to catch up with old friends. DH can work around it. And yes normal people will sit upstairs with a book on the odd ocassion their partner has friends round.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/03/2019 13:16

I hadn’t seen that Jamie.

I just thinks it’s a fuss over nothing. If I’d made my DH go out so I could have a friend round I wouldn’t be asking him to miss part of the meal to put the dc to bed.

Bluntness100 · 09/03/2019 13:20

He can't make it for eight, as it takes an hour to get th kid down, at the best of times, and with stragngers in the house, likely way longer. Anyone who has had a kid who struggles to go to sleep will know this.

So you're looking at at least nine o clock. Hence why it was never a good idea in the first place.

RaspberryBubblegum · 09/03/2019 13:21

I think when OP agreed he could go out she assumed he wouldn't cross book with his parenting duties that he promised her he would take care nd. Essentially it's like telling work he'll come in for his shift and then he's decided to leave 2 hours before the shift ends so he can meet his friends. You wouldn't get away with that in a job so why at home? He said he'd do the parenting shift. He can still go out, but after he's done what he promised, which was look after DD.

IHateUncleJamie · 09/03/2019 13:21

I don’t think the OP made her DH go out though, Duck. Wasn’t it his suggestion?

Bluntness100 · 09/03/2019 13:24

DH can work around it. And yes normal people will sit upstairs with a book on the odd ocassion their partner has friends round.

They really don't, but you knock yourself out banished to your bedroom on child care duty whilst your partner and his mates piss it up watching the Footie downstairs whilst consoling yourself it's normal.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/03/2019 13:26

He said he wasn’t comfortable staying and in and they both agreed to him going out. Either way I don’t see why he’d have to miss part of the meal.

sar302 · 09/03/2019 13:28

This seems like it should have been simple - he's going to put DD down so you can get the night started with the girls, and then do whatever he wants. What he wants is to meet some friends - great, he can meet them at 8. Possibly a bit of miscommunication here, but should have been easily rectified.

The fact that he's whinging and comparing you to his friend's wives, who are unhappy with their husbands, but are expected to just put up and shut up, makes me think that actually your husband is a bit of a tool.

Meandmetoo · 09/03/2019 13:33

Like fuck would I sit upstairs while dp had his mates here. I dont want to listen to their inane ramblings and want them to feel comfortable discussing whatever they want (I'd dread for dp to hear what me and my friends discuss so that courtesy goes for him too). I go out and he sorts the kids out, both of them, in between whatever it is they are doing.

There is no chance my dp would ask me (or put his foot down, mine would go in his arse if he tried that) change my plans this late on because he couldn't cope putting one child to bed. He'd suck it up and we'd chalk it up to experience and just plan it better next time.

burnoutbabe · 09/03/2019 13:57

in our flat then the other person would have to retire to the bedroom if one had mates over and they didn't want to intrude. or head to the pub if they felt weird.

i'd have assumed in this scenario that the husband would do bedtime duty, and then pop out for a few hours once done (having said a brief hello to the friends).

Bookworm4 · 09/03/2019 14:05

A 2 yr old is dictating to you, this should have been dealt with. I'm sure your DH could get DD settled then go out.

TruffleShuffles · 09/03/2019 14:12

The people who are being unreasonable here are your friends OP. They get to travel across the country to spend some time away from their own children but have dictated that you must stay in your house with yours and not get a night off. Even if your DH was in the house and watching your DD if you are anything like me you wouldn’t be able to fully relax anyway as I don’t think you can switch off from childcare duty unless you actually leave the house.

Anique105 · 09/03/2019 14:12

So if your Dd takes longer than 15min, then his friend is sitting at a restaurant waiting for someone who will pitch up anytime. Seems like your dp is working around you but you are difficult. Sorry but yabu.

FriarTuck · 09/03/2019 14:21

Surely it's as simple as either:
a, DH puts DD to bed earlier
or
b, DH gets friend to move time of meal to later (he can still have the same of time with friend by coming home later)
I don't see the difficulty Confused

HomeMadeMadness · 09/03/2019 14:22

They really don't, but you knock yourself out banished to your bedroom on child care duty whilst your partner and his mates piss it up watching the Footie downstairs whilst consoling yourself it's normal.

Yes they really really do and lots of people here have said so you're just refusing to listen. Why on earth would you have a problem with your partner catching up with friends inside their home if they want to? Why make such a massive drama out of something so simple. If it was every night yes it would be a problem. This is obviously a one-off. You haven't managed to explain why it would be so traumatic for you to sit out of the way incase DD woke up for one night.

HomeMadeMadness · 09/03/2019 14:23

So if your Dd takes longer than 15min, then his friend is sitting at a restaurant waiting for someone who will pitch up anytime. Seems like your dp is working around you but you are difficult. Sorry but yabu.

Then surely he just stays in since he promised to look after DD that night anyway.

SilverySurfer · 09/03/2019 14:25

CripsSandwiches
I seriously can't get over responses like yours - so illogical. Where did OP say she can't put her DD to bed? Of course she can

Probably from the OP saying in one of her posts:

DD has not wanted me near her for months and screams for DP. Logically, I know this is a phase, but with being pregnant and my emotions all over the place, I can't handle it.

The suggestion that the DP should remain at home, hidden away in the bedroom is bizarre.

Is there no middle ground? Could your DP put your child to bed a bit earlier, thus arriving at the restaurant on time?

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