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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he might be cheating?

220 replies

loveactuallyisallaround · 09/03/2019 00:12

I'm almost due with baby number 1, much wanted by both of us and a struggle to conceive but we're here and so far so good.

Problem is, for about 5 months now my DH has COMPLETELY lost interest in anything to do with me, baby, or us.

He used to be great around the house, real 50/50 with everything, now I can't even ask him to help take the bins out without getting a mouthful.

He doesn't come to any appointments anymore (high risk pregnancy) - not that I'm suggesting he should to be fair, he works, but not only does he not ask, when I try to talk to him or give him updates he just ignores me.

He doesn't want to have sex anymore and we haven't for almost four months, he voluntarily sleeps on our very uncomfortable sofa every night, and can't give me any reason why he doesn't want to sleep in our bed anymore. I have totally given up giving him a kiss or a cuddle because he always pushes me away or rolls his eyes.

He gets in from work and all he wants to do is play his PlayStation until the early hours and I'm not allowed to speak whilst he's on it, which is annoying as I'm on mat leave and look forward to having him home for a chat in the evenings - not asking for a four hour heart to heart but let's at least have tea together and discuss our days???

He's ALWAYS on his phone if not the game and the other day I looked at him whilst he was on his phone, genuinely just looked up at him, and he went crazy saying I was checking up on him?! I was extremely confused.

I've tried to speak to him about it all and he just shuts me down.

We spend zero time together and haven't left the house together in months, he says he's too tired to do anything with me but stays on his game every night until the early hours when he has work at 6.

I can't imagine he's physically cheating because I don't know where he'd find the time, but emotional perhaps?! Something isn't right. Please help because I can't take anymore, I feel disgusting. I tried to kiss him goodnight tonight and he just moved and looked at me 😩💔

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 10/03/2019 00:08

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. He’s unbelievable.

I can’t imagine how stressful this has all been for you.

LaBelleSauvage · 10/03/2019 00:18

So sorry OP. Just remember you deserve kindness and love and respect, and you have your mum and friends for support.

Don't put up with his emotional abuse. It might seem tough now but you can make a wonderful life for yourself away from this arsehole.

Good luck and I hope you've found somewhere safe for tonight

SandyY2K · 10/03/2019 00:38

He doesn't love you anymore. Don't bother trying to talk to him again about it.

His comment about not leaving while you're vulnerable is telling. Nothing about not leaving because he loves you.

A wife being pregnant is something the OW hates...because it's clear they are still intimate.

The reason doesn't matter...he's treating you awfully.

I don't think I could forgive his behaviour and my only communication would be when I'm fully out of the house and safe somewhere else.

My message would be that I'm ending the relationship because it's clear he isn't happy and l'll let him know when the baby is born.

liamhemsworthsrealwife · 10/03/2019 01:50

Please just be aware that pregnancy is a well known trigger for abuse for a lot of men. Men who were previously kind and caring. It's like they can't handle not being no 1 any more.

This ^ op

Why are you paying for all the baby's things? Why are you paying the majority of bills? Why are you doing all the housework and cooking?

He is bringing absolutely nothing to your life. I'd be telling him to pack a bag.

liamhemsworthsrealwife · 10/03/2019 01:56

Just read your update op. He's an absolute prick, I'm really angry for you.
I know you're saying he's changed since pregnancy, but honestly it sounds like you've been doing more of your fair share for a long time.

You say he won't leave. If it were me I would get my parents or someone over with me to tell him he either leaves or I will be leaving and not paying the rent, so he will lose the house anyway. He obviously will only scream at you if you are on your own, you need someone else with you so he's forced to listen. It is not your problem he has no money or place to go.

If he won't leave then you need to go and stop paying anything. Have your furniture and baby's things removed.

MrsTerryPratcett · 10/03/2019 02:07

I just can't believe this is my life, I truly believe I'm a smart capable woman, what the hell am I doing.

EVERY SINGLE WOMAN in a shitty relationship has said this to herself. And a few months after leaving she finds that person again. You will be OK.

IndieTara · 10/03/2019 02:48

Op now is the time to make a smart decision

CanuckBC · 10/03/2019 06:37

He sounds horrific. I hope you are doing ok OP.

caroline161 · 10/03/2019 07:15

Flowers don't know what else to say x

DannyWallace · 10/03/2019 07:32

Are you ok OP?

threeboysandus · 10/03/2019 07:34

Are you ok OP?

Ferfeckssake · 10/03/2019 07:37

MrsTerry Pratcett is absolutely right.

You can do this without him.He brings nothing positive to your life and is actually a huge burden to you.
It seems like you have a Mum and and a group of friends that will support you and your baby.Flowers

Octofraughts · 10/03/2019 07:43

Echoing Every other person on this thread. Get away from this man. If he can't cope with you justifiably weeping then God knows what he'll do about a baby crying for hours on end.
Your friends clearly know he's an arsehole, your Mum does and you do.

PengAly · 10/03/2019 07:50

Hi OP, ive been following this thread and it is truly heartbreaking. You seem like such a nice and intelligent woman who deserves so much better. Remember you are doing what is best for you and baby. Dont give this man a second thought. We havnt heard from you since last night so i hope you managed to spend the night somewhere safe. Id reccomend going to your mums as soon as you can and if not then to a friends Flowers

Susannach · 10/03/2019 07:55

Hope you’re OK OP and you managed to find a solution last night. Reading your updates has made me so, so angry for you. You and your baby will be so much better off without this abuser in your lives. I agree with others that I’d not be having him at the birth or putting him or his surname on the BC. He forfeited his right to that long ago but the way he’s talking to you and treating you now beggars belief. What a horrible excuse for a human being. I really hope you’re OK today, any more twinges?

bugeyedbarber · 10/03/2019 07:58

Checking in on you OP. Hope you managed to have a restful night.

Have you spoken to anyone? It's important you get IRL support.

KingMash · 10/03/2019 07:59

Oh op I just want to give you a hug Flowers

TheWeeMacGregors · 10/03/2019 08:00

Hope you are okay OP.

Hollygoverylightly · 10/03/2019 08:22

I an so sorry OP, I know how this feels. This is your rock bottom! Leave him or kick him out (easier said than done, I know) and you will feel better. It will still be hard because you love him, but slowly you will feel amazing, to the point where you feel like the strongest person in the world. Be an example to your baby. Your little one will see a strong, confident women, they will feel secure and loved...and unafraid.

I am sending you lots of positive thoughts and strength, wherever you may be.

Anon10 · 10/03/2019 08:26

Are you ok OP? Flowers

Raindancer411 · 10/03/2019 08:29

He sounds like a 2 year old, not even fit to be raising a baby! If you split, would he even want anything to do with you both?

sparklefarts · 10/03/2019 08:38

Wow. OP, I'm so sorry to read this. Are you OK this morning?

Merryoldgoat · 10/03/2019 08:41

I hope you’re OK OP - I feel so awful for you but you will do amazingly without him - you will.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 10/03/2019 08:47

You are a smart capable woman. You're so smart you've realised your DH has turned into a knob head and you are capable enough to plan to get rid.

Are both of your names on the tenancy? Can you speak to the letting agents tomorrow about whether it's possible to remove him? Since you're paying the rent anyway.

flumpybear · 10/03/2019 08:47

Hi OP
I'm so sorry you're going through this. He's being totally hideous, I'd be inclined to leave the house for a few days and stay with friends or your mum. Let him come to you, he's overstepped and been a fucking excuse for a parent to be, he needs to talk to you - my suspicions are he's panicking about parenthood?! But it could be anything

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