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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think he might be cheating?

220 replies

loveactuallyisallaround · 09/03/2019 00:12

I'm almost due with baby number 1, much wanted by both of us and a struggle to conceive but we're here and so far so good.

Problem is, for about 5 months now my DH has COMPLETELY lost interest in anything to do with me, baby, or us.

He used to be great around the house, real 50/50 with everything, now I can't even ask him to help take the bins out without getting a mouthful.

He doesn't come to any appointments anymore (high risk pregnancy) - not that I'm suggesting he should to be fair, he works, but not only does he not ask, when I try to talk to him or give him updates he just ignores me.

He doesn't want to have sex anymore and we haven't for almost four months, he voluntarily sleeps on our very uncomfortable sofa every night, and can't give me any reason why he doesn't want to sleep in our bed anymore. I have totally given up giving him a kiss or a cuddle because he always pushes me away or rolls his eyes.

He gets in from work and all he wants to do is play his PlayStation until the early hours and I'm not allowed to speak whilst he's on it, which is annoying as I'm on mat leave and look forward to having him home for a chat in the evenings - not asking for a four hour heart to heart but let's at least have tea together and discuss our days???

He's ALWAYS on his phone if not the game and the other day I looked at him whilst he was on his phone, genuinely just looked up at him, and he went crazy saying I was checking up on him?! I was extremely confused.

I've tried to speak to him about it all and he just shuts me down.

We spend zero time together and haven't left the house together in months, he says he's too tired to do anything with me but stays on his game every night until the early hours when he has work at 6.

I can't imagine he's physically cheating because I don't know where he'd find the time, but emotional perhaps?! Something isn't right. Please help because I can't take anymore, I feel disgusting. I tried to kiss him goodnight tonight and he just moved and looked at me 😩💔

OP posts:
threeboysandus · 09/03/2019 20:09

That's very strange behavior.

How are the pains? What gestation are you?

ENormaSnob · 09/03/2019 20:14

You deserve better than this.

Original poster
loveactuallyisallaround · 09/03/2019 20:14

They're not too bad, I'm 36 weeks so I would assume it's braxton hicks but nothing seems to be shifting them 😩 without being gross it feels like I need a number 2, but nothing happens when I try. A mix of that and period pains. But again, nothing unbearable so I don't imagine it's labour.

He will be on his game all night now so I hope it's not labour, would hate to have to interrupt him!

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/03/2019 20:15

Op. so sorry you have to go through this.
It sounds to me like everytime you try to talk to him he ends up shouting at you. I can imagine that this must be quite frightening for you, especially when you are heavily pregnant. I would be scared too.

Your reactions are completely normal and you are not being paranoid.
This is not right. Whatever his problem he shouldn't be making you scared like this.
You said you had a great supportive family. I think you need to call on them for help right now. I'd actually go and stay with them. You need to feel safe.
If he won't let you discuss this without being aggressive with you, then you need to have a family member ( a sensible one) there with you. I hope you get the help you need now from your family, best of luck.

CouldntThink · 09/03/2019 20:18

loveactuallyisallaround you deserve better. He’s not interested. This is not your hormones, how fucking dare he blame your hormones! You need to leave him.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 09/03/2019 20:22

In your shoes, if I went into labour I would leave the house without telling him and get a friend to take me to hospital. He has so checked out that I would leave now. He is done he just doesn't have enough human decency to say it.

I don't see why you want to stay with him. He brings nothing to your life but utter misery.

sallievp · 09/03/2019 20:23

He sounds horrible. You sound lovely. Who rolls their eyes when their pregnant partner kisses them!!!???

icarriedaturnip · 09/03/2019 20:28

I would just completely confront him, walk down to him and without saying ‘we need to talk’ just say, I’m unhappy with this, this and this. If he says he doesn’t want to talk tell him that if he won’t discuss this you will leave him. You deserve a lot better than this child.

timeisnotaline · 09/03/2019 20:33

Please call your friends and ask them round to help you. Pack a bag and go stay with your family. You could go into labour any day now and you need support for that! The waste of space you thought you were in a relationship with is not going to support you, please go to your family so someone is there for you.

bugeyedbarber · 09/03/2019 20:53

Oh love! This thread is heartbreaking to read. He sounds checked out and borderline abusive with shutting you out at every opportunity.

Whatever is happening with him is irrelevant tonight. Call your friends/family - someone you love and trust and go and stay with them. Tell them what's been happening. You need IRL support.

Take care my lovely. It really isn't on Thanks

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 09/03/2019 20:53

What a disgusting individual your partner is.
Make sure you have a hospital bag ready. Have you got any support (family, friends) just in case, as clearly you can't count on him.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/03/2019 21:02

So sorry OP. If he is shouting when you try to talk to him, it won't matter what form of words you use.. Please DONT confront him without having someone else there. You are too vulnerable. Also if you can't even discuss your pregnancy concerns with him, he's not the ideal person to help you if you suddenly go into labour. You need to feel safe and cared for and it doesn't sound if you do at the moment. Please ring your family for help. You will get through this.

Tinyteatime · 09/03/2019 21:10

Oh op. This sounds like such an unhappy relationship. I feel sorry for you. Expecting your 1st baby should be exciting, you should be making the most of time just the 2 of you. Of course you will both feel nervous and scared of what’s to come but it shouldn’t be like this. I might understand if baby was unplanned but thats not he case. Either he has become deeply depressed, has lost all interest in life and hasn’t opened up to you or he is simply a massive man child arsehole. Often men do change when their partner becomes pregnant, which is why they check for signs of domestic abuse at every pre natal apt. I think If it were me I would wait until baby is here and see how he behaves then, If the way he’s acting now is out of character. If he continues to show so,little interest in you and your child I dont think you have many options other than to chuck him. I wish you all the best.

Jekyllandhydesmother · 09/03/2019 21:13

This is so sad to read. Please do do as the others have said and go see your friends or family. You deserve better.
His behaviour isn't right. Honestly I don't know what's behind it and only he can explain. But until he's ready to talk/wake up to his issues. Then I think you need some space. Maybe leaving will be a wake up call?
Or can you say you'd like him to leave?
I wish I could offer more comfort :(

Snappedandfarted2019 · 09/03/2019 21:19

Sounds like my ex he was excately the same. How old are you guys? He was utilmately cheating on me. He was extremely unkind to me when I was pregnant and left me just after ds 1st birthday. I wish I left when I was pregnant. Get out whilst you can he’s gaslighting and being emotionally abusive.

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 09/03/2019 21:20

Why are you waiting for him to leave you? Stop listening to his bs. Nothing has changed he says. So it's your hormones making him sleep on the sofa? It doesn't really matter what the reason is for his behaviour. If he wont address it and it's making you miserable then don't waste your time.

You're already going through this difficult pregnancy on your own. Remove the thing that's adding stress and enjoy the time you have left before the baby comes. Let him come to you if he can be bothered, then YOU decide if you want whatever he has to offer.

PinkiOcelot · 09/03/2019 21:24

OP I feel so sorry for you. Pack yourself an overnight bag and just walk out of the front door. Go to your mum for some tlc xx

Whydoesshedoitffs · 09/03/2019 21:26

You need to get out of this shitty relationship for you and your child.

Imagine how good it will feel not having to tiptoe around? He’s awful OP and I’m so sorry you have been dealing with it.

Call your friends - tell them everything.

You know what I’d do? I’d make my plans now. Talk to my family and friends about the support they could give, pack some stuff up etc. See a solicitor. Get out of that shit and take control.

crunchie12 · 09/03/2019 21:31

OP, go to your mums. Have a bath. Don't have him at the birth. Leave him - you can do better. Thanks

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 09/03/2019 21:35

Do you really think he's going to suddenly buck up his ideas and man up when you go into labour? Isn't that all going to be a huge inconvenience to him? No playstation at the hospital after all.

He's doing nothing for you, he's adding nothing to your life and bringing fuck all to the table.

Can he go back to his mother's for the next few weeks? You don't need this stress at this point.

Susannach · 09/03/2019 21:44

This is really horrible to read. OP, you sound absolutely lovely and I hope you know that this isn’t about you at all. Whatever’s going on with him is his problem only. You and your baby should be and deserve to be his priority right now, you’re not being unreasonable or needy or hormonal and it’s so sad to read that he’s making you feel that way and putting it all on you. I hope you manage to get through to him somehow and get an explanation about what’s changed (because something clearly has, you’re not imagining it), but even if you do, I’d personally find this behaviour at this vulnerable and precious time very, very hard to forgive and move on from.

As for tonight, I’d give your lovely mum or friends a call now and have a chat, even if you don’t want to discuss any of this. You sound lonely and like your self-confidence has been seriously knocked, and you need to reach out to the good people in your life who remind you of how great and fun you are, not the ones that make you feel like shit.

Flowers
Original poster
loveactuallyisallaround · 09/03/2019 21:54

Pains seem to have subsided so feel a bit better about that, I'm in bed now and we haven't spoken since I came upstairs. Other than when I went to the toilet I heard him moaning that I was making the floorboards creek(!).

I've got plans to spend the day with my mum tomorrow so going to have a chat with her, although she kind of already knows everything. I don't know why I'm still here, I honestly know he's not going to change. I'm really not expecting miracles, I guess I just haven't been brave enough to leave. And the sad pathetic thing is, I think if I did leave he wouldn't even notice. He certainly wouldn't have a wake up call and suddenly want me back - perhaps to pay bills and do shopping but other than that, he'd be happy as Larry I think.

I just don't think now is the time to be uprooting my life, I wish he'd just bite the bullet and leave to be honest. Because this hurts like hell. I don't know why he's staying, it makes no sense. It's like he hates me.

OP posts:
Whydoesshedoitffs · 09/03/2019 21:58

I just don't think now is the time to be uprooting my life

I’m telling you now it’s loads harder WITH a baby.

Do you own or rent? Do you have much joint in the way of finances? Can you support yourself financially?

These shitty men fucking women over left right and centre. Urgh.

MamaLovesMango · 09/03/2019 22:01

It absolutely is the time OP because it’s going to be so much harder when you’ve got a newborn baby. It doesn’t sound like this situation will be getting better any time soon and you need to be somewhere where you’ll feel comfortable and safe right now, that means someone has to take charge.

RaspberryBubblegum · 09/03/2019 22:01

There any way you can show him this thread OP? He needs to know how awful he is being and he needs to know it's not just you who thinks it. Whatever his problems are he's hiding them and is too cowardly to confront them. Stay strong Flowers

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