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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he might be cheating?

220 replies

loveactuallyisallaround · 09/03/2019 00:12

I'm almost due with baby number 1, much wanted by both of us and a struggle to conceive but we're here and so far so good.

Problem is, for about 5 months now my DH has COMPLETELY lost interest in anything to do with me, baby, or us.

He used to be great around the house, real 50/50 with everything, now I can't even ask him to help take the bins out without getting a mouthful.

He doesn't come to any appointments anymore (high risk pregnancy) - not that I'm suggesting he should to be fair, he works, but not only does he not ask, when I try to talk to him or give him updates he just ignores me.

He doesn't want to have sex anymore and we haven't for almost four months, he voluntarily sleeps on our very uncomfortable sofa every night, and can't give me any reason why he doesn't want to sleep in our bed anymore. I have totally given up giving him a kiss or a cuddle because he always pushes me away or rolls his eyes.

He gets in from work and all he wants to do is play his PlayStation until the early hours and I'm not allowed to speak whilst he's on it, which is annoying as I'm on mat leave and look forward to having him home for a chat in the evenings - not asking for a four hour heart to heart but let's at least have tea together and discuss our days???

He's ALWAYS on his phone if not the game and the other day I looked at him whilst he was on his phone, genuinely just looked up at him, and he went crazy saying I was checking up on him?! I was extremely confused.

I've tried to speak to him about it all and he just shuts me down.

We spend zero time together and haven't left the house together in months, he says he's too tired to do anything with me but stays on his game every night until the early hours when he has work at 6.

I can't imagine he's physically cheating because I don't know where he'd find the time, but emotional perhaps?! Something isn't right. Please help because I can't take anymore, I feel disgusting. I tried to kiss him goodnight tonight and he just moved and looked at me 😩💔

OP posts:
peachgreen · 09/03/2019 22:42

Don't leave OP. Make him leave.

Original poster
loveactuallyisallaround · 09/03/2019 22:49

He won't leave, he has no money and no where to go. We share the rent of the house. If I left he'd have to give the house up as he wouldn't be able to afford it on his own, so it would make sense for him to leave and let me and our baby live there but it's too spiteful for that.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 09/03/2019 22:53

Then pack and go yourself, life sounds miserable right now, and you don’t want to bring a baby home to a selfish, miserable hit.
First days with a new baby are hard enough and you need support.

Sonicknuckles · 09/03/2019 22:55

You cannot stay with someone who treats you like that

Cailindeas35 · 09/03/2019 22:58

This will never get better I promise. I spent 11 long years liked that, til I finally had the courage to throw the lazy abusive asshole out. If you don't do it now you will spend your time tiptoeing around him. What about when your baby cries and disturbs him. I guarantee you there were signs of This long before.
Depressed my backside, just a nasty man.

Cheby · 09/03/2019 22:58

Hotel or friend’s house tonight OP. If any of my friends called me at 11pm, 36 weeks pregnant and in this situation I would take them in without a second thought. I’m sure most people would do the same.

Then in the morning, go back with a friend to your mum, ask him to leave and follow it up with legal advice. I don’t think there is any coming back from this. He is abusive.

I’m so sorry. But you and your baby will be happy together and you’ll be a wonderful mother, without him making you feel like this.

FrozenMargarita17 · 09/03/2019 22:58

OP.... please leave. Save yourself and your baby from this.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 09/03/2019 22:59

Hi OP

He is absolutely a complete fucking disgrace of a human

You sound scared to talk to him about normal things
He gets angry at you for no reason
He then blames you for his shitty aggressive behaviour

This is abusive

Even if it wasn't abusive, you do all the housework all the cooking, work, and pay for everything, what kind of man doesn't want to save up for his baby's mothers maternity leave

Literally the only thing you get out of this relationship is one text a week

You will honestly look back and realise leaving him was the best thing for you and your baby. It's normal to feel scared and that you'll miss him - that is just anyone's natural reaction to change and will wear off after a bit of perspective

Please go somewhere safe. Get a friend to go with you and pick up some things. Pick up the baby's things you've bought as well (if you leave them he may claim they belong to the baby and will stay with him for when he has access etc)

When he realises you've been serious the script is to suddenly revert to the kind loving person they were before. Just remember it's an act and a kind loving person doesn't tell their heavily pregnant partner to fuck off

Then he will go aggressive. Make sure you document and keep a copy of everything and get the police involved if necessary

Good luck. Everyone on here believes you can do this

twig1234 · 09/03/2019 22:59

You need to leave this relationship. As hard as it may be. You will be ok on your own. It's not easy but you cannot live with a person who treats you like this. It will get worse when the baby arrives if you remain with him. X

k1233 · 09/03/2019 23:04

I agree with Cheby - if any of my friends called me in the middle of the night, they could come and stay as long as they needed.

I'd pack all my stuff while he's at work and leave. See how long it takes him to realise you're not coming back. I'm sure your mum will help. She would hate to be seeing you so miserable.

RoboticSealpup · 09/03/2019 23:05

He's a disgusting, pathetic piece of shit and one day soon you will look back and be so happy that you left his sorry, childish, abusive ass.

Treating the mother of your unborn child like this is about as low as it gets. Even if he spent the rest of his life apologising, I would not forgive this behaviour.

Graphista · 09/03/2019 23:12

"He won't leave, he has no money and no where to go" FUCKING TOUGH! he can go to his equally nasty mothers!

He's being an utter bastard to the point of abusive!

Why are you PAYING for and DOING everything at 36 weeks pregnant?! Get the useless waste of air gone!

What's your mum like? Where is she now?

esk1mo · 09/03/2019 23:16

You should pack your stuff and leave. Seriously just pack your stuff and don’t say a word to him. Contact your letting agent or landlord and tell them that you want your name removed from the tenancy and that he can be sole tenant. Either that or tell them you have moved out and if he can’t be sole tenant then give notice to quit. Let him know that he has eight weeks to find somewhere else to live.

I’ve been with someone who acted like this and it was because he didn’t love me anymore, it sounds so familiar to how your DP is acting. I’m with someone now who runs to me if I were to even shed one tear.

timeisnotaline · 09/03/2019 23:19

im sure if you asked for advice on how to make him leave there would be a hundred wonderful women who could tell you. How to get him off the tenancy if he’s on it etc.

Original poster
loveactuallyisallaround · 09/03/2019 23:25

I just can't believe this is my life, I truly believe I'm a smart capable woman, what the hell am I doing.

OP posts:
AyoadesChinDimple · 09/03/2019 23:26

I hope you have found somewhere to go OP. Please know that you and the baby deserve so much better. I stayed in a similar situation and it took years to get away once I'd had my children.
Tell your mum everything. She will support you through this and you'll be so relieved you made the break.

MissSunnyDays · 09/03/2019 23:34

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AmIRightOrAMeringue · 09/03/2019 23:35

You are a smart capable woman. You've left an abusive partner which is a massively hard step to take at the best of times let alone when you're pregnant

Mustgetonwithit · 09/03/2019 23:42

Believe in yrself. Dont let this arsehole grind you down until you lose total confidence in yourself. For years I regretted not leaving wishing Id been a single mum as the father was not a good influence. Yours sounds similar- controlling and gaslighting. I was also treated badly through pregnancy. It makes you feel sad because you cant believe that someone who you were so in love with can be like this and you secretly hope that they will revert back. They dont. They get worse. Its not you. Its totally him. Dont let him destroy yr future happiness with yr dc by making you miserable. Take control. Take care. Hope you are staying with someone who can give you support.x

Calzone · 09/03/2019 23:42

Just go and book into a premier inn and get some sleep.

You can go to your mum tomorrow.

Mustgetonwithit · 09/03/2019 23:44

Its easier to leave now before dc comes along believe me.

Boxingmum · 09/03/2019 23:44

Don’t go back tonight, you need space from that abusive pri*k, have you called your mum? Maybe she has a spare key somewhere, or you can drive to her & get it? Or a mates sofa even ... just don’t go back there tonight.

Mummymummums · 09/03/2019 23:53

You deserve so so much better. This is tough but it's time to go. Life will get better.
I'd suggest hotel tonight and collect your stuff and leave tomorrow. If you can, go to your mum's. Do not even bother trying to discuss with him.
You're in charge now. No more waiting for him to throw you crumbs.

Boxingmum · 09/03/2019 23:56

Then tomorrow you can make a plan!
Go home with friends & pack yours & baby’s things and arrange for any furniture to be collected at another time & take to ur mums!
Call agent and explain situation & remove your name from tenancy.
Go no contact with “the narc” until after baby is born.
You can put him on birth certificate but I do advise you give you child your surname.

Remember giving birth has nothing to do with him, he does not have a right to be there. The only people in that room with you should be people who are there to support you during labour. That is not him.

My friends ex claimed, he had a right to be at the birth.... idiot! I can see your dp doing the same.

You can do this!!!!

Sparkles1992 · 09/03/2019 23:57

My partner completely changed when I got pregnant too even though it was a planned pregnancy. He left me when I was 19 weeks and I've been heartbroken since. I'm 31 weeks now and looking forward to my son being born. He's my first born too and it's so disappointing that what is suppose to be the happiest time of your life is ruined Sad I've got loads of help from my mum and sister and sounds like you will have to. It sounds to me like he will leave you eventually too. Good luck with your new baby and I hope you find the courage to leave someone so cruel x

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