Pinch me and tell me it’s not a big deal

[LifeIsToughMate]

ahhh.. this is one of them in law threads.

I was enjoying my little victory year, having moved out of my in laws house after huge drama and obsessive attempts to invade my privacy by MIL and her little gang of a family . Currently signed up to therapy so I can recover from the trauma they caused me.

Used to love them. Until they became so enmeshed in my life that they want to make every decision for me, and run through my daily tasks..

Then when I stood up for myself I found out how toxic they are. Their reaction showed me how little respect they had for me.

Took me a year to find my flat which we are buying with a mortgage. It’s around 1hr away from them. Such a blessing.

I get to see them once a month and DH sees them more often but without dragging me.. we working sooo perfectly...

I have a toddler and I did want to keep the good relations. I’m a massive fan of big family set ups and grandmas being involved in their grandkids life and in fact it is me who is mourning the loss of that due to finding out how nasty they can get. So I limited contacted but keep their relationship with my son reasonably loving so he doesnt miss out... gritting my teeth and all that.


They announced today that they’re selling their flat and moving next door...

That’s literally the end of my peaceful living.. they gave us a timeline and it is quite soon that they want DH to dedicate time and energy to help them find the perfect flat on our street...

Not sure where I’m going with this, AIBU to invest my next month trying to find better deals on another planet ?

Orrrrrr... shall I take that time to say goodbye to my peaceful life.

She keeps saying how she wants me to have another baby and then go to work and let her raise them.. now I used to think I’m the luckiest daughter in law for such offers until I realised she literally means possessing my child, wiping me out of their existence... she has an extreme level of toxic competition it engulfs her life.


I’m gonna have to live a new life of saying “no” to every request and dealing with huge drama and bullying after.


She has a lot of leverage over my husband. She orchestrated to be this way. She bullies him for it... I can’t share the details but plz be assured that she does. He is seeking therapy too.

What shall I do 😥

[Birdie6]

they want DH to dedicate time and energy to help them find the perfect flat on our street...

So DH has to tell them that there is literally nothing for them to buy, anywhere near your place. If he doesn't have your back, I'd leave him.

My DH said he doesn’t think he has any say in this

That sounds very weak to me. Of course he has a say in this - you are his wife, your needs should be coming first with him. If he isn't on your side, you might have to rethink your marriage. .

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Oh honey - she's not unique, she's just got more money and power than a lot of women like her. Although there are others EXACTLY like her, with the money and power to go with it.

Well, you and your DH will just have to make a stand against them all - so long as you have each others' backs and do NOT back down to That Woman or any of her "flying monkeys", then you will come out of it in one piece. The minute either of you breaks or gives way, she will use that as leverage and you'll both be in trouble again.

Stand strong with your DH.

[mydogisthebest]

Your DH needs to tell them that if they move close by you and he will sever all contact.

That seems the only way. If you move you can bet they will move again. You say they are wealthy so feasible they could just keep moving close to you.

My parents in law lived quite a distance from us but used to turn up all the time uninvited. If we were out they would phone and leave abusive messages and sit outside to see if we returned.

We moved abroad and still they turned up with their suitcases expecting to stay.

In the end we moved, didn't tell them where and had no contact with them

[RandomMess]

They ask DH to help find somewhere to buy he says "No, I am too busy with my family" and repeat.

If he did, it would be wrong anyway and they would use it as yet another stick to beat him with.

[LifeIsToughMate]

I don’t understand if your mil is socially influencial with a large network of friends, family and associates and with a daughter very involved in her life why she would want to up sticks and move an hour away just to be near her son, when she is presumably leaving the rest of her life behind.

Perhaps your DH could play down how dull your area is and how lonely they would be away from his sister and all their friends.

She currently lives on the outskirts of the main city and we live in an outskirts in the opposite end. 1hr journey.

If she moves to our area she would still not be far from the city. At all. It’s around the same distance for her

[DuchessOfPhysics]

Wow, can you imagine her telling her own friends that they are buying the flat next door to you?

[Prequelle]

I honestly wish you had a friend like me coz I would take great joy in telling this woman where to fuck off to. I'm getting annoyed for you as I read.

The thing it seems to me is that you've built her up in your head so much and you're now seemingly scared of her. Try to remember she's just a sad woman who has to manipulate people to get them to remain in her life. She's pathetic. Try to change your image of her. Imagine having to get your daughter in laws friends on side though... what a sad person. Try to laugh at her ridiculous exploits. Don't let it destroy you. Don't let it stress you out. Let the daft wench do as she pleases coz it's NOT going to bother you anymore. Fuck her.

[Thehogfatherstolemycurry]

You don't sound crazy - she sounds like my mother. I had to completely cut her out of our lives, luckily my dh supported me, I did however lose my whole family and some friends who she had conned into thinking she was gods gift and I was an awful ungrateful child. It was however worth it to be free of her toxicity.
You need to find a way to be a strong team with your husband and go it alone as your little family - and find a way to pay back the money asap

[RandomMess]

It is completely a big deal the word "enmeshed" completely sums it up, you and DH both need to be free!!!

DH needs to reduce contact until he's ready to go NC. Please keep your DC away from them

[IHateUncleJamie]

Thehogfather Same. I’m NC with my toxic Mother who is also wealthy and fairly influential.

Fortunately the only Flying Monkey I give a shit about is my Dad but he’s chosen her. She has friends and a couple of them believe her version of events but I couldn’t care less. I know the truth, as does my DH. That’s all I’m concerned about.

@LifeIsToughMate If you have any friends or family members who are Flying Monkeys for this woman, some may choose to believe her over you. If that’s the case, they are not worth keeping in your lives.

Those who truly know you and love you will believe you.

[Cocobean30]

Tell them if they move you will completely ignore them and cut contact, it’s totally unreasonable

[JaneEyre07]

It's your DH you need to get through to.

They move, your marriage ends.

I couldn't respect a grown man that still did as mummy says when he's got a wife and child, sorry.

[outpinked]

This all sounds insane, like a really strange movie/TV series plot.

I would sell the flat as soon as you can and try moving as far away as possible. If I’m honest I would also be inclined to get a divorce. His family sound like some sort of abusive cult!

[Bigearringsbigsmile]

do you mind me asking, do you live in perhaps the muslim community where older people have a lot more influence?

[Birdsgottafly]

Can she make you homeless?

Can she make you jobless?

You've got to get the ideas about 'big family' etc out of your head.

Realistically, you amd your DH need no-one but each other.

It's a brave move but you could fuck everyone off and just go.

The one thing that I regret is not moving far away from my abusive Mother. It would have changed my entire life.

By caring so much, you are going to subject your children to exactly the same treatment.

[over50andfab]

I also wonder if there is a culture element to all of this, but fully respect the OP’s privacy.

I don’t agree with selling up or renting. His family could also do the same - and sound like they have the funds to do whatever they want. I also wonder if those in the MIl’s social circle or had dealings with her might not actually know what she is like and just don’t want to rock the boat.

Suggestion...keep it simple...talk to your DH, explain you both need to be absolutely united in this - no ifs or buts. He must know you and your DC are his priority. You are happy for the level of contact with his family to remain the same as now. However if they were to move closer, if they make any demands, or expect you to do anything that you believe threatens your family unit, you will both totally shut that down. Period. You will not listen to any threats re potential inheritance etc - the answer to that is they can do what they want in that respect.

Your flat is your family home, despite who paid what. This is your sanctuary, for you, you DH and your DC. Nobody else’s. Nothing will threaten that and no one tells you or your family what they should do. You can respect any suggestions made, but only you can decide what is right for your family. You of course meaning you and your DH.

Good luck OP xx

[Lolapusht]

OP, who owns your house and why do your (hideous) in-laws think they will “inherit” it? Who is on the title and what was the arrangement regarding paying back their loan?

[Deadbudgie]

I really feel for you. I’ve got a narcissistic mother. Everyone loves her, she’s made a good attempt at ruining my life. But you need to stand up to her. Say no. Tell her you don’t see why she is moving nearby unless it is to control you. Tell her you have selected a nursery as she will not be looking after the children. Tell her if she insists on moving closer you will have no choice but to move even further away

[LifeIsToughMate]

But you need to stand up to her. Say no. Tell her you don’t see why she is moving nearby unless it is to control you. Tell her you have selected a nursery as she will not be looking after the children. Tell her if she insists on moving closer you will have no choice but to move even further away

One of the reasons that I’m unsure if I should say this to her is because I think it’s my husband who should be saying this. They’re his family and if he upsets them they can get over it.. if I upset them it will be a lifetime of drama.

I will try try to first get him to see the dangers of the situation and see what he plans to do about it. The pps are all right. We need to be a team. We have been doing well for a year now but just not had to face a confrontational situation like that yet so I hope we manage

[CoolCarrie]

You need to tell him he is going to end up a lonely man if he puts his parents before you and your children, make it very clear that it’s you and your wee family or them, and stick to it. As poster like to say on here put your big girl pants on!

[Deadbudgie]

Yes when I say you, I mean you as a family need to present this united front

[ChrisPrattsFace]

No help, also have overpowering ILs... also need therapy...

But I heard they’re hoping to have people on mars soon... so you know, there’s always that option?

[over50andfab]

Yes it most definitely needs to be your DH who says this - and be able to stand up for himself when they tell him you are manipulating him. You are a team and you support each other 100%.

As for moving to Mars - not an option as they’d follow. Perhaps a Tardis where you can cover your tracks?

[SandAndSea]

I think people like her care a lot about their reputation and how they are perceived by others. This is a weak spot for them. If threatening moving and NC doesn't work, you might have to bring this up, eg: "What do you think XXX would think if they knew XXX (how you are treating me)?" Or, "If you continue, we will report you to XXX for bullying."

[thefirst48]

What kind of background are you from?