Pinch me and tell me it’s not a big deal

[LifeIsToughMate]

ahhh.. this is one of them in law threads.

I was enjoying my little victory year, having moved out of my in laws house after huge drama and obsessive attempts to invade my privacy by MIL and her little gang of a family . Currently signed up to therapy so I can recover from the trauma they caused me.

Used to love them. Until they became so enmeshed in my life that they want to make every decision for me, and run through my daily tasks..

Then when I stood up for myself I found out how toxic they are. Their reaction showed me how little respect they had for me.

Took me a year to find my flat which we are buying with a mortgage. It’s around 1hr away from them. Such a blessing.

I get to see them once a month and DH sees them more often but without dragging me.. we working sooo perfectly...

I have a toddler and I did want to keep the good relations. I’m a massive fan of big family set ups and grandmas being involved in their grandkids life and in fact it is me who is mourning the loss of that due to finding out how nasty they can get. So I limited contacted but keep their relationship with my son reasonably loving so he doesnt miss out... gritting my teeth and all that.


They announced today that they’re selling their flat and moving next door...

That’s literally the end of my peaceful living.. they gave us a timeline and it is quite soon that they want DH to dedicate time and energy to help them find the perfect flat on our street...

Not sure where I’m going with this, AIBU to invest my next month trying to find better deals on another planet ?

Orrrrrr... shall I take that time to say goodbye to my peaceful life.

She keeps saying how she wants me to have another baby and then go to work and let her raise them.. now I used to think I’m the luckiest daughter in law for such offers until I realised she literally means possessing my child, wiping me out of their existence... she has an extreme level of toxic competition it engulfs her life.


I’m gonna have to live a new life of saying “no” to every request and dealing with huge drama and bullying after.


She has a lot of leverage over my husband. She orchestrated to be this way. She bullies him for it... I can’t share the details but plz be assured that she does. He is seeking therapy too.

What shall I do 😥

[Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe]

Op what ever they have put you and your husband through do not let them get to grips with your children or they will destroy them too in time....your strength should come from that alone.

[Boxerbinky]

As a person that lets out a house to tenants, it's not as simple as just finding a tenant and moving them in. There are plenty of legal loopholes, costs and stress involved in setting yourself up as a landlord, that is IF you get permission from your mortgage company to let it out (if so you will pay for this privilege too) - it doesn't sound viable in the situation you describe you are in.

Plus why should you move?

You need your dh's support - he needs to tell them that he doesn't want them to move so close as it will put unnecessary stress on your relationship and his with them.

I assume their motivation to move is to see more of your dh / their gc. If they insist on moving you need to tell your dh that you will stand your ground and they will see the gc less. It's the only bargaining chip I think you have. Perhaps if they realise that moving will have the opposite effect that they want they may re-think. But if your dh is not onboard I can't see that going well.

[screamifyouwant]

I'd move and not tell them the address . They sound nuts.

[FFSFFSFFS]

I know it seems impossible. But you need to sit them down (or write them a letter is probably much more realistic) and simply say NO you cannot move next to us. End of.

There will be an enormous drama. But in my experience it is better to have the big enormous drama and then you move on - quite probably with no contact Id say.

You CANNOT live the next 20 years with this low level constant stress. Trust me on that one.

You are and your DP are allowed to say NO. Once you properly believe that it will be easier to do.

My advice would be to focus in both your therapies on saying No. End. Of.

[FFSFFSFFS]

oh and check out the outofthefog website

[Prequelle]

speakout I've lived on my own and worked since I was 17, but still had a 2 month stint of living with the in-laws whilst we were waiting for our house to be finished. Nothing to do with being a 'grown up'.

[Echobelly]

The only way out of this is to say you can only maintain a relationship with them at a distance given their controlling behaviour. Tell them that if they move next door you will move away and end contact - I hate the idea of no contact with anyone, but these people clearly will not take 'No' for an answer.

I expect they might move anyway to call your bluff, so you'll have to find a way to do it.

[MadAboutWands]

Don’t help them find somehwre near you.
Go very low contact, including your DH. Why on Earth is he still having such a close relationhsip with them. When he knows they are driving you apart and wrecking his marriage?
Let go of your idea of the big family etc... they are not playing ball and are toxic. Yu dint want to put your dc in that environment.

Have counselling as a couple. You need to comme up with a strategy that is going to protect your family wo you looking like the bag guy who is breaking his relationhsip with his parents apart.

[Soontobe60]

OP, I'm. It sure what exactly your MIl has done. You've said how she has made you both feel, and that she's been controlling in many ways, but not in what way. Did this start whilst you were living with them? Have they helped you to buy your flat?

[Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse]

Move. I got someone I despise moving 3 minutes away from me (not our parents) and I’m already feeling anxious and like a prisoner in my own home. I’m seriously considering selling our house. Its upsetting as our autistic child is so settled in school. It’s a horrible situation. It’s not good for your mental health or your pregnancy. Home should be a place for you to relax and enjoy family life.

[FrozenMargarita17]

Please don't expose your little one to them. He is still small but soon he will be old enough for them to manipulate and ostracise you from your own child.

[TheMuminator2]

Cant u ask them for a nice bit of cash to make up for them moving near? compromise?? at least you would be financially better ioff. maybe college funds for kids?

[TheMuminator2]

or just emigrate plenty of countries who welcome young professional families

[Twerking9til5]

“My DH said he doesn’t think he has any say in this.. what can I ask him to do ?”

Get the two ‘Toxic’ books recommended above, and read them straight away.

Your DH needs to talk to his therapist about this move.

He needs to tell them clearly that you moved to get some distance and independence whilst still close enough for visits. And that whilst he cannot stop them moving where they like he will not look for anywhere close by and if they do move you will be maintaining that independence . Make it clear now that you will not be using them as regular childcare.

If it helps, he can put it in a letter.

We had a narcissistic toxic relative who tried to move next to s more vulnerable family member who was immensely stressed at the prospects. Another family member made it clear that the move would not be welcomed and the rest of the family stood firm but kind in support.

There is long term resentment that toxic relative’s offer of ‘being there to help’ was rejected but visits and contact remain between all parties.

[PtahNeith]

Ok, so what happens if you cut contact and stop assisting them to abuse you? Because that's what you'd be doing if you helped them relocate.

If you're both going to make the choice to assist them to continue abusing you then how can therapy or anybody else help you?

All abusive people try or threaten to trash reputations. It doesn't mean anything. It's not worth assisting them to abuse you over.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I agree with the calls to maintain your counselling and maybe get counselling together with your husband as well, to teach you to become a strong team against any malign external influence.

In the end, you cannot STOP them from moving closer to you - but you CAN draw the boundary lines and tell them that you don't care if they're only a couple of minutes away, it won't change ANYTHING in terms of how often they see your child, and they won't be doing anything with the baby until YOU are ready. And you will only go back to work IF it suits YOU and YOUR CHILDREN - not them.

So I agree that a carefully (but strongly) worded letter/email might be the best way forward in terms of laying out your battle lines (no exaggeration) - and then they can't say "oh you didn't tell us" because YES, you did.

I still hope that you can somehow avoid this happening, but if you can't, you need a backup plan of how to manage them IF they do move closer.
Step 1, by the way, will be to never allow them access to the keys, and to install chains/bolts and deadlocks so you can lock the house while you're inside it as well as outside.

[Iooselipssinkships]

I'd get a non molestation order and tell them to keep the fuck away or action can and will be taken.
We'd do this for controlling, dictating partners and they're practically the same.

[TheMuminator2]

mAYBE THE best way is to kill her with kindness just ignore make a simple meal it will be over before u know it

[LifeIsToughMate]

Ok so the plan is to talk to my husband today and see whether we can agree on something.

I’m gonna go with “they bullied you and will continue to bully you about every decision in your life and it will drift us further apart if they come closer”.

And I will look into couples counselling.

Let’s see how the conversation goes.

[LifeIsToughMate]

Btw thanks everyone I feel soo much better with all your support.

the pp that asked what leverage they have , well it’s complicated.. they lent us money for the deposit.. but it wasn’t the kind of money that I can be grateful for.


We were borrowing from someone else and they jeapordised it for us in the last minute, and insisted to be the ones to pay it.. and are breaking our backs with their demands as a result of that loan.. we still have half of it to pay back.

They didn’t want us moving but decided to convince themselves that I’m the stubborn wife that wants to drive their son apart and that if they lend their son money anencephaly make him sign forms to say that “they will inherit a huge chunk of the house” and tried convincing him to sign “prenuptials” which thankfully he didn’t... they really tried to cause financial destrust and their reasoning for lending us the money was just to stay in complete control and call our house “family home”, send us honeymooners without consent and coerce is into having lodgers from his mums nephews and neicee (which I put up a fight and refused).

They saw it as a hope to gain their sons trust and loyalty and completely demolished me when they got the chance.


The thing is they make incredibly nice gestures which they follow with complete nutty behaviour and we didn’t anticipate all this.


I wasn’t of the idea that we should t borrow from them and just do what we can afford (my parents lent us a bit too).. but husband doesn’t Yet understand that good gestures aren’t always good.


This is incredibly outing so don’t want to go into more detail

[TheMuminator2]

Good luck. Tell him how you really feel and how upset her comments made you and that them moving closer is really a deal-breaker for you. Also for his own sanity they need to be as far away as possible. He needs to stand his ground and tell his parents you are a family and they should not interfere, but they are welcome, with invite and reasonable notice, to share in your lives.

Do you really need couples counselling? Maybe just go on more datenights and work it out spending more time together. you don't need to spend money on a thrid party who will tell you what you already know. Spend the money on yourselves and your enjoyment.

[BarbedBloom]

You need to set boundaries here really and your DH needs to back you up. If they move down the road it doesn’t mean they get to see you or the kids more often. Your DH shouldn’t be helping them either. Continue making sensible repayments on the loan, even if they took you to court over it I am sure the court would also set sensible repayments that allow you to live as well.

I will say that while it is nice to have grandparents, if it is a choice between that or controlling, manipulative grandparents I would rather have none. My mother kept me away from her father because he was like that and I have no issue with it as an adult. I can see them trying to alienate your children from you as they grow up, so be careful

[Anique105]

Op you really dont have an in law problem, your have a husband problem. None of this would be an issue if your husband didn't allow it to happen.

If your dh can see that you need therapy after all that and still stands by them, I would be very worried about the state of my marriage rather than where they are moving to.

[Teaandcrisps]

I also think you need a Plan B - if they do move next door then you will also have to move physically and move on in your life by going no contact. The tension that your IL's are causing in your marriage is not normal.