Pinch me and tell me it’s not a big deal

[LifeIsToughMate]

ahhh.. this is one of them in law threads.

I was enjoying my little victory year, having moved out of my in laws house after huge drama and obsessive attempts to invade my privacy by MIL and her little gang of a family . Currently signed up to therapy so I can recover from the trauma they caused me.

Used to love them. Until they became so enmeshed in my life that they want to make every decision for me, and run through my daily tasks..

Then when I stood up for myself I found out how toxic they are. Their reaction showed me how little respect they had for me.

Took me a year to find my flat which we are buying with a mortgage. It’s around 1hr away from them. Such a blessing.

I get to see them once a month and DH sees them more often but without dragging me.. we working sooo perfectly...

I have a toddler and I did want to keep the good relations. I’m a massive fan of big family set ups and grandmas being involved in their grandkids life and in fact it is me who is mourning the loss of that due to finding out how nasty they can get. So I limited contacted but keep their relationship with my son reasonably loving so he doesnt miss out... gritting my teeth and all that.


They announced today that they’re selling their flat and moving next door...

That’s literally the end of my peaceful living.. they gave us a timeline and it is quite soon that they want DH to dedicate time and energy to help them find the perfect flat on our street...

Not sure where I’m going with this, AIBU to invest my next month trying to find better deals on another planet ?

Orrrrrr... shall I take that time to say goodbye to my peaceful life.

She keeps saying how she wants me to have another baby and then go to work and let her raise them.. now I used to think I’m the luckiest daughter in law for such offers until I realised she literally means possessing my child, wiping me out of their existence... she has an extreme level of toxic competition it engulfs her life.


I’m gonna have to live a new life of saying “no” to every request and dealing with huge drama and bullying after.


She has a lot of leverage over my husband. She orchestrated to be this way. She bullies him for it... I can’t share the details but plz be assured that she does. He is seeking therapy too.

What shall I do 😥

[SilverBirchTree]

Oh wow.

You and DH need to go to counseling together. He needs to have your back. He needs to communicate reasonable boundaries such as 'Mum and Dad, you living in our street doesn't work for us. We'd like you to find a place that leaves us with more space.'

You need to read Toxic In laws by Susan Forward and your DH needs to read Toxic Parents by same.

Good luck to you

[Chloemol]

Ok I would
1 take out a loan/ increase the mortgage, do whatever I needed to to repay them for the deposit so they have no control
2 talk to dh and come up with an agreed plan to either move, or if that is not possible provide no assistance to find somewhere for them and in fact would discuss going lc/nc
3 change all phone numbers etc so they can’t phone etc
4 not let the see the child, just think what they would do to the child with their games
5Stand firm and not let them play anymore games

[SilverBirchTree]

Also read Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward.

Counselling with DH is necessary if you want to protect your sanity and your marriage.

You are so manipulated by them that you think you need them to agree to a boundary. Boundaries are set unilaterally. You decide. You don't need them to agree.

[Twisique]

Tell them you will move much further away if they move any nearer than they are now. It might delay them until you can sort out your finances. You may need to eventually move and not tell them where you are. Cornwall and Northumberland are both lovely!

[Twerking9til5]

“and it will drift us further apart if they come closer”. “

No, OP, it will destroy your marriage if they come closer.

You both need to understand this.

[LifeIsToughMate]

Op you really dont have an in law problem, your have a husband problem. None of this would be an issue if your husband didn't allow it to happen.

If your dh can see that you need therapy after all that and still stands by them, I would be very worried about the state of my marriage rather than where they are moving to.

My DH owned up to his problem, woke up to them, is working on them. But they haven’t given us the space or time to bounce back from the damage they caused and while my DH’s problem is work in progress, the problem I have with them is set in stone.

I also have a problem, I handled things very naively which completely contributed to DH not being able to set up boundaries .

When we first married he was great with boundaries, I didn’t know what was happening behind the scenes , all I knew was his mum came to me crying that her son was being so different to her and “shouty”... so would his sister play victim on me.. so I would go like a stupid idiot and tell my husband off for being “mean” to his mother and sister.. me thinking I’m all about being fair.


Little did I know that this shouting was in my defence because they were being shits behind my back and my husband didn’t really want to tell me because he believed he could work it out and that it’s a matter of adjusting to each other.

So I confused my husband . I feel terribly ashamed of letting myself be used this way. They used me in order to gang up on him and they did.

My mil is an extremely reputable influential woman... she has mastered the arts of manipulation On a wide social circle. She hates most people but most people believe she is a goddesss.. money and power and influence. I used to look up to her and thought I’m a lucky film to have such a wonderful role model, I really wanted to protect my relationship with her. Little did I know about love bombing and all this narcissistic things until wayyyu after things started to turn suddenly shit when she gained control.

It took me a while to listen to my gut and realise that her reputation was in fact not a testimony to her honesty and that she is just a massive con artist..

As my husband grew up isolated from the rest of the world , fed rubbish and manipulated by her and only met people who swoon over his mother and speak of her highly, he grew up also dismissing his own judgement. His siblings are the same. Extremely bullied by her but haven’t seen enough in life to realise that theyre being manipulated.

It’s taking us a while.. me and him are equally to blame. His mum is just an extreme case that anyone could’ve been fooled by. If it wasn’t for my stupidity he wouldn’t be in this position...

[Tolleshunt]

I can appreciate that this is very painful for your husband, and you are finding it hard to witness that pain. Him having to face up to their toxic ways, and the realisation of what that means for their relationship with him, will be very hard. But it's far far better to go through that process now, than to carry on enmeshed and at their mercy, which will stunt his life and ruin your relationship.

It sounds like he has already started down the road of therapy. He needs to keep doing with this. His therapist can help him in setting the necessary boundaries, in seeing that they are necessary, and dealing with the inevitable fall out. It won't be easy, but it will be very worth it.

Good luck with your chat later.

[Twisique]

Will they still inherit your flat after you have paid them back? Can your parents help?

[Propertywoes]

Can you please stop telling yourself that you're stupid and naive and that this is your fault and that you should be ashamed of yourself. You and your husband have been subjected to a concerted psychological attack for a long time from these people. It sounds as though they're experts at turning your world upside down and inside out . in order to move on and build some self esteem and assertiveness you need to stop beating yourself up about what's already happened. Forget about them just focus on you and your husband and how you can move forward with a stronger marriage. First step is telling them under no uncertain terms that you do not want them to live near you. As a previous poster said it will cause a big fuss but that's better than you having to live down the road from them forever. You're going to have to set a boundary somewhere otherwise they're going to be controlling your child the way they're controlling you. So it might as well be now.

[Choccyp1g]

I was going to say just tell them you are planning to move, or have already moved, and don't tell them where to.

[gamerwidow]

Your DH has to back you up on this and tell his family that they are invading your privacy and ruining your relationship.
If needs to tell them they can move where they like but if they do move into your street they will not be coming round to your house all the time and if they can't respect your space they won't be coming round ever again.
If he won't do this then he doesn't have enough respect for your feelings and you need to think about if this relationship is going to work long term.

[gamerwidow]

most people believe she is a goddesss.. money and power and influence I bet they don't and most people are just scared of her.

[Missingstreetlife]

Another book, on assertiveness. Anne Dixon, a woman in your own right. Best book ever. Available online.

[LifeIsToughMate]

Thank you all for your book suggestions. I will try find them in the library and start reading from Monday.

[thefirst48]

I couldn't live like this with the constant worry and fretting over in-laws living next door. I'd be telling your partner he stands up to them and tells them no or your walking away for your mental health. They don't deserve to be grandparents so get that family matter out of your head!

[Missingstreetlife]

and just say no, and mean it, always follow through.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I do think you should stop beating yourself up - the woman is a master manipulator and your DH's mistake (and it WAS his) was in not explaining this to you, and explaining why he kept them at arm's length.

He should have warned you what they were like and trusted you to believe him - not left you to be used by the master manipulators. He dropped you in the shit there, sorry. :(

Now you both know and now you both need to be very honest with each other, and make sure that you hide nothing from each other regarding what these toxic bastards say to each of you.

And as others have said - they might be all sweetness and light to your children now but they will be doing their best to gain control over them as well, by undermining you at every available opportunity. And as your children get older and start to know their own mind, then they will be subjected to the same sort of coercive control that your DH was, and that you were. Do you want that for them? their grandparents and extended family are all about control, not love - they just dress the chains up in sugar and fluff to make you think that it's ok really. It's really NOT.

Also totally agree with taking out more of a loan if you can to get shot of any financial obligation to these crazy people - with people like them, gifts/ kind deeds are NEVER without strings. It might take years for the strings to become apparent, but they're always there.

[Xenadog]

DH needs to be on side. They need to be told if they move to be closer to you then you will move and not let them know where you have gone to. That will be the end of any relationship with them. Their choice.

Call their bluff and if they do move to be closer then you know what you have to do. It might end up being a blessing in disguise as they wouldn’t know where you go and you can be free of them.

If neither you nor your DH (and it should be him doing this) feel able to speak to them send them an email or text outlining the consequences of them moving to be closer to you. They have a free choice about where they live and so do you. You also have the choice to not tell them where you have moved to.

They sound utterly crazy - I would not want them near my children.

[winsinbin]

I wouldn’t let them push you into moving until you want to. Don’t let the tail wag the dog here.

Unless they are actually moving into your bedroom, proximity needn’t be a big deal but you need to very determined to mai twin boundaries. Keep the front door firmly locked. Don’t answer calls or texts from them unless and until it suits you. Let them know you have a set daily and weekly routine that you will be keeping to. Make regular arrangements for them to see the children at times and places that suit you.

You are parents here. Whatever these people have done to you and your husband is history, I’m sure if you had been wise to their ways you wouldn’t have let it happen but it did. All you can do now is put your hard earned knowledge to good use to ensure it doesn’t happen to your DC.

[LifeIsToughMate]

Unless they are actually moving into your bedroom, proximity needn’t be a big deal but you need to very determined to mai twin boundaries. Keep the front door firmly locked. Don’t answer calls or texts from them unless and until it suits you. Let them know you have a set daily and weekly routine that you will be keeping to. Make regular arrangements for them to see the children at times and places that suit you.

Sounds reasonable except me and my husband are not at the stage where it is easy to keep saying no and taking their shit. They have a lot of power. That’s why distance and space was to help us recover some strength. Them being close means they have better chance at making more demands that don’t suit us.

Invading my bedroom would be one of them for sure

[Missingstreetlife]

honestly, just tell them no. Fall out with them it will be a relief. I see my family 3or 4 times a year, that's normal. Don't be polite be rude, that's what they understand. Do it today, don't keep stressing

[IHateUncleJamie]

The thing is they make incredibly nice gestures

Yes and every single one has strings attached. These loans and nice gestures are another means of controlling you.

You are not an idiot, you have been manipulated and triangulated. As Propertywoes says, this is psychological abuse. Physical abuse is much easier for the victim to identify; there are physical scars and bruises. There are no visible outward signs when you have been emotionally abused and this then makes you doubt and blame yourselves.

Your in laws will not change. They want to retain control over both of you by financial means and now moving nearby. If you and your DH allow this to continue you will end up divorced and your MIL may even fight for partial custody of your children. I’m not saying this to frighten you but to try to make you both realise just how toxic your ILs are.

By whatever means possible you must get out from under their control. If that means remortgaging, taking out a long term bank loan, whatever it takes, pay them their money back. You both need to read about parental emotional abuse, triangulation and toxic parents ASAP. You need to write a set of boundaries together and the first one of these must be that if your ILs move nearby you WILL move.

They will try to bully and emotionally blackmail you both in order to drive a wedge between you because the last thing your MIL wants is for you and your husband to be a strong independent unit. You both need to go low contact with them for now; don’t answer texts and phone calls until you have your joint boundaries in place. Be “busy” if they want to see you. Try not to feel ashamed of what’s happened in the past; you were manipulated by an expert but that can change going forward.

You don’t need to wait until Monday to get the books, start looking on google today and start making that list of boundaries.

[LifeIsToughMate]

It is hard to explain this but during the love bombing stage she has managed to make friends with all the influential people in my life... friends and colleagues.. family members..

I know I sound like a psycho but she actually made many financial promises to a lot of my personal circle of people with her very charitable attitude. Became a central person in my social circle...


And so, I stand very little chance of being believed if I seek anyone’s support it things turn difficult.

I’m fact one of my relatives who has money dealings with this woman came and spoke to my husband privately and was trying to “advise him” that he shouldn’t upset his mum to please his wife. She has used my own relatives and friends to enable her abuse.

Of course I had to tell the really close ones about her conning behaviour but with some who aren’t that close it’s a bit nutty to involve them yet she has tried in every way to pressure us through others while keeping her prestige...

My own dad, she managed to con him and he came giving my husband advice about how to Save money and live with his mum as she is wonderful.... I had to explain the situation to him eventually which I didn’t want to...


My husband has been the only person to back me up... he shut both my relative and my dad down and said “in fact you don’t know my mother and your daughter is absolutely being wronged”.

So it took me a while to figure out what was happening but in the meanwhile she managed to completely isolate me.. and gain sooo much support due to her reputation and influence.


She has financial dealings with all the financially influential people on my side so I don’t want to go to them for help


I know I sound crazy.. I promise I wouldn’t believe this if someone told me but to be honest she is a very unique case facilitated by her wealth and sociopathic behaviour

[MaybeitsMaybelline]

I don’t understand if your mil is socially influencial with a large network of friends, family and associates and with a daughter very involved in her life why she would want to up sticks and move an hour away just to be near her son, when she is presumably leaving the rest of her life behind.

Perhaps your DH could play down how dull your area is and how lonely they would be away from his sister and all their friends.

[RandomMess]

Honestly I would sell up and rent so you can move as much as necessary until you are in a better position. Can you move far, far away...?