Pinch me and tell me it’s not a big deal

[LifeIsToughMate]

ahhh.. this is one of them in law threads.

I was enjoying my little victory year, having moved out of my in laws house after huge drama and obsessive attempts to invade my privacy by MIL and her little gang of a family . Currently signed up to therapy so I can recover from the trauma they caused me.

Used to love them. Until they became so enmeshed in my life that they want to make every decision for me, and run through my daily tasks..

Then when I stood up for myself I found out how toxic they are. Their reaction showed me how little respect they had for me.

Took me a year to find my flat which we are buying with a mortgage. It’s around 1hr away from them. Such a blessing.

I get to see them once a month and DH sees them more often but without dragging me.. we working sooo perfectly...

I have a toddler and I did want to keep the good relations. I’m a massive fan of big family set ups and grandmas being involved in their grandkids life and in fact it is me who is mourning the loss of that due to finding out how nasty they can get. So I limited contacted but keep their relationship with my son reasonably loving so he doesnt miss out... gritting my teeth and all that.

They announced today that they’re selling their flat and moving next door...

That’s literally the end of my peaceful living.. they gave us a timeline and it is quite soon that they want DH to dedicate time and energy to help them find the perfect flat on our street...

Not sure where I’m going with this, AIBU to invest my next month trying to find better deals on another planet ?

Orrrrrr... shall I take that time to say goodbye to my peaceful life.

She keeps saying how she wants me to have another baby and then go to work and let her raise them.. now I used to think I’m the luckiest daughter in law for such offers until I realised she literally means possessing my child, wiping me out of their existence... she has an extreme level of toxic competition it engulfs her life.

I’m gonna have to live a new life of saying “no” to every request and dealing with huge drama and bullying after.

She has a lot of leverage over my husband. She orchestrated to be this way. She bullies him for it... I can’t share the details but plz be assured that she does. He is seeking therapy too.

What shall I do 😥

I’m scared to erect boundaries because they don’t accept “no”. They tried every possible way to blackmail us , guilt trip us... last time they used these techniques me and DH both failed miserably.

I’m ashamed to say it but I’m still “scared to upset them” because they gang up on my husband and it hurts me to see them use our son as a way to punish him. It hurts me to see him question whether his parents live him.. and it hurts me to have a family that I once loved and invested soo much time into gang up on me. I’m not ready for all this emotional rejection and I’m more not ready to see my husband be rejected . I’m a wimp and need to get a grip.

We both had the exact upbringing issue in that we were manipulated from a very young age and it’s takinf us a while to claim control of our own lives.

Start with reading 2 books by Susan Forward, 1 for each of you -
For you: Toxic Inlaws
For DH: Toxic Parents
Available on Kindle I understand.
Good luck, given your efforts to put up boundaries haven't worked in the past, it sounds like a no contact situation is probably what you need in the end, very hard when you have been manipulated and enmeshed from a young age. Been there, still struggle to keep the boundary walls up.
You have the next generation to protect, so the sooner you start the better.

Sounds grim.
You & your growing family need time & space to nest.

Are they serious about selling up ?
Have you told them it is not yet April Fools Day?

If they do find somewhere close to you, can you rent your current place out until it is sold & live elsewhere ?

You are still recovering from the toxicity of living with them, some time & therapy will help, but try to contain your unease & anxiety about them looming closer as you are offering them rent free accommodation in your head.

Although you have mortgage debt, you are now financially independent of them. Although that can move wherever they choose, you do not have to make them welcome or part of your lives. This will be challenging, hence my comment about doing a flit to rent elsewhere.

Hard when you will need to change homes and probably jobs, but worth it for the peace of mind .

I hear Ireland is nice, or Wales, or Scotland.
Start a conversation about moving there with DH and let PIL over hear.
Maybe will give some food for thought

I think that you and your dh need to shut this down quickly and specifically whilst using as few words as possible. Don't leave any room for negotiation. Nip it in the bud.

Eg.
"Are you joking?!" (Spontaneous laughter could help here.)
"God, no! What a nightmare!"
"Absolutely not!"
"That sounds like a dreadful idea."

If they ask why, you could say something like, "Have you forgotten what happened before? We're only just starting to get over it! No! Absolutely not!"

If they refuse to respect your wishes, make it clear that you will be moving yourselves. You may have to threaten to go 'no contact' for them to hear you.

Just some ideas. You'll know if these are right for you or not.

I'm sorry, OP, but - and I meant this kindly - you have been an idiot.

Used to love them. Until they became so enmeshed in my life that they want to make every decision for me, and run through my daily tasks..

Then when I stood up for myself I found out how toxic they are. Their reaction showed me how little respect they had for me.

And then

I have a toddler and I did want to keep the good relations. I’m a massive fan of big family set ups and grandmas being involved in their grandkids life

If they mistreat you and your husband, what made you think that they would respect your child?

You and your husband are having to take the bull by the horns and tell your ILs, very firmly, that you (both of you) don't want them living near you, and if they move close, you will be relocating and cutting them off permanently.

And whatever you do, DON'T leave your child or future children alone with these people. They are not good people, and they can do serious damage to your family.

I’m scared to erect boundaries because they don’t accept “no”.

They don't have to accept it. You have to enforce it. If you tell them not to come to your home, for example, and still they come, you don't open the door, don't answer the phone, and call the police if necessary. And then cut off contact for a while.

If you want to keep contact with them, you need to treat them like a toddler. You don't reward bad behaviour. And you do this consistently, however many tantrums they throw.

This is on your dh. If I were you I would be telling him he needs to deal with this and tell them they will not moving so close and he will not be helping, or I would be leaving and renting on my own.

you know that them moving close will severely damage your relationship with them, so be willing to damage it a little know to avoid the move.

make it clear in no uncertain terms they will see less of you all, not more, if they move closer.

that you are not willing to help them hunt unless it's an hour away, and you're upset that they don't seem to be aware of the hurt they caused you.

make it clear to your husband that your relationship will be tested with a Newborn and if he doesn't back you 100% your relationship may be damaged.

Absolutely what Tolleshunt said.

He needs to tell them you both really don't want them living nearby. And that if they do it, it will irreparably damage his relationship with them, and that you will move away again. And mean it.

I think you need to make it absolutely clear it’s an invasion of your privacy and family time and it will not be happening. Don’t make it lighthearted or a joke.

Sounds awfuk, but why on earth were you living with your inlaws?

That would not happen in my world.

I don't suppose this is possible but I'd be SO tempted to not tell them anything, just plan to move as well, far far away from where you are now.
Then when they move in next door - you'd be on your way elsewhere.
I know this probably isn't even feasible but unless you and your DH can get your headspaces sorted out pretty bloody quickly, you're going to be in a massive mess when they move near to you and take over again.

Maybe just rent your house out and go elsewhere for "job reasons"?

I'm so sorry that you've had this situation inflicted on you. Hopefully you can find a way out of it.

Holy shit this is terrible

I would have to be firm about it and say 'why are you moving so close to us? Don't you realise it's a massive intrusion and you're smothering us. If you move, we move. That's that.'

And if they're bullying you this is where you go no contact with the entire fucking lot of them. It doesn't have to be this way. You don't need them and neither do your kids. You don't want your kids growing up seeing their parents being bullied and rail roaded do you? In fact I wouldn't let me kids near a woman who has shown herself to be so manipulative

Sounds awfuk, but why on earth were you living with your inlaws?

It's nice that it 'wouldn't happen in your world' but not everyone's circumstances are the same.

You need to work on your assertiveness in therapy. A firm no. And just keep saying no like a broken record. Getting your husband to help them find a house and be complicit in them moving closer in order for them to meddle with you again is an excellent bit of control. That's what they want. Both of you need to agree it's not happening and both present a united front.

I feel like this is one of those very, very rare cases on MN where an ultimatum is the only answer.

You're pregnant.
Theyve tried to split you up.
You're in therapy because of this.
And it's all gonna happen ALL OVER AGAIN BUT U0O
WORSE THIS TIME

No means no. 'If you move here, we will move elsewhere, we want our space and our own life.'

Sorry but if this had happened to me I think my DH would be expecting an ultimatum from me before he could even blink.

I would be telling them that you are selling your flat and they are more than welcome to buy it!

Dear god, you have had therapy, your husband is seeking therapy because of his toxic family and he says he has no say in the matter? You both need to take control, difficult as that might be, and tell them you point blank do not want them living next door to you or even with spitting distance.

You have to woman up and be brave here and your dh for your children’s sake. If they are willing to manipulate you can be as sure as hell they will be doing it to your kids.

How financially dependent on them? If you can pay your bills/buy food etc then you need to step away. Tell them that if they move near you you will be moving as you NEED YOUR SPACE. Then batten down the hatches and ignore the ensuing emotional storm because ultimately you have what they want - access to your children. If they can’t behave then keep your kids away from their toxicity.

If you are financially dependent then it’s time you both put your big pants on and start to break free from that. Move to a cheaper area if you can etc etc.

I wish you luck and remember the only way to take control is for your and your dh to change your behaviour (ie stand up to them) because his family will not change theirs.

I loved next door to my in laws for a year. It was hellish. You need to make it clear that they are not welcome in your lives and continue sending that message.

I’d put the flat up for rent and move elsewhere. Especially for your pregnancy and to give you and your DH some space to concentrate on yourselves.

What’s your plan OP?