Pinch me and tell me it’s not a big deal

[LifeIsToughMate]

ahhh.. this is one of them in law threads.

I was enjoying my little victory year, having moved out of my in laws house after huge drama and obsessive attempts to invade my privacy by MIL and her little gang of a family . Currently signed up to therapy so I can recover from the trauma they caused me.

Used to love them. Until they became so enmeshed in my life that they want to make every decision for me, and run through my daily tasks..

Then when I stood up for myself I found out how toxic they are. Their reaction showed me how little respect they had for me.

Took me a year to find my flat which we are buying with a mortgage. It’s around 1hr away from them. Such a blessing.

I get to see them once a month and DH sees them more often but without dragging me.. we working sooo perfectly...

I have a toddler and I did want to keep the good relations. I’m a massive fan of big family set ups and grandmas being involved in their grandkids life and in fact it is me who is mourning the loss of that due to finding out how nasty they can get. So I limited contacted but keep their relationship with my son reasonably loving so he doesnt miss out... gritting my teeth and all that.


They announced today that they’re selling their flat and moving next door...

That’s literally the end of my peaceful living.. they gave us a timeline and it is quite soon that they want DH to dedicate time and energy to help them find the perfect flat on our street...

Not sure where I’m going with this, AIBU to invest my next month trying to find better deals on another planet ?

Orrrrrr... shall I take that time to say goodbye to my peaceful life.

She keeps saying how she wants me to have another baby and then go to work and let her raise them.. now I used to think I’m the luckiest daughter in law for such offers until I realised she literally means possessing my child, wiping me out of their existence... she has an extreme level of toxic competition it engulfs her life.


I’m gonna have to live a new life of saying “no” to every request and dealing with huge drama and bullying after.


She has a lot of leverage over my husband. She orchestrated to be this way. She bullies him for it... I can’t share the details but plz be assured that she does. He is seeking therapy too.

What shall I do 😥

[LifeIsToughMate]

I come from a culture that encourages total independence after marriage while maintaining respect to the families. My MIL behaviour would surely be condemned.

I don’t come from an Asian background if that’s what you mean.

I don’t come from a particular strong community either. It’s just my family and his family and a few of our friends from work and university.

Won’t share details as it’s outing. She was someone I knew before I met my husband though. She was pretty popular in town, for her charity work and affluence.. so when I fell in love with my husband I was slightly taken aback with how much she “loved me” and wanted to teach me her ways. Almost felt like I was a protege to become the next amazing woman. How daft I know.

She just has an incredibly amazing way of convincing everyone she is a martyr and a victim and making the person that doesn’t applaud her seem like a devil. Money is really the ethics of how she manages this. Her relationships are all based on materialistic things.

She is just not used to being told no by anyone and so if I’m gonna have the balls to do it I need to know I’m alone facing her and her flying monkeys as someone put it.

[LifeIsToughMate]

*someone I knew of

[SilverySurfer]

How about getting hold of some Australian emigration application forms? Would your DH be brave enough to tell his mother that if she moves anywhere near you, the forms will be completed and you your DH will be emigrating?

[needsahouseboy]

Stop believing she has power over you, she doesn’t at all.

[Babynut1]

Fuck me!
If that was my mother I’d be telling her that if she moves in next door then fine but that would be the end of any relationship she has with me and my children and we’ll be moving away and she will never know your address.
Run a mile op!

[GoodFortuneAttendThee]

You need to put your foot down NOW. Easier said than done, I know. But this is your future, your health, your mental well being, your marriage and your childs happiness. HUGE stakes. If your husband can't, then you need to. It won't stop otherwise. Run for your life.

[LifeIsToughMate]

You need to put your foot down NOW. Easier said than done, I know. But this is your future, your health, your mental well being, your marriage and your childs happiness. HUGE stakes. If your husband can't, then you need to. It won't stop otherwise. Run for your life.

You make a good point. If he won’t say something then it’s worth me risking it and saying something. But I’m not sure it will make a difference.


I spoke to my husband about it and he said “it’s just talk, no point getting worked up about it”.

So maybe they’re just being intimidating. But I really don’t think so. I hope my DH isn’t minimising just to get less pressure about it.

[LifeIsToughMate]

If I say something it needs to be at a level that my husband is able to defend...

So something mild , respectful but effective. Any clues ?

[LifeIsToughMate]

Can I say something like:

“ I don’t want us to be in a situation where I’m open to feel hurt again. We have a lot of work to do on our relationship and I think things are working well because we are far from each other”.

This is in my dreams though. I have very little guts to say that. I’m almost shaking thinking about having to say that..

Perhaps I will inform my husband that if he doesn’t say something this is what I will say and so he has to choose either he would say it or I would say it and tension will rise.

[RandomMess]

"We aren't committed to living in x long term so you're better off staying where you are"

[Blobby10]

@LifeIsToughMate why does it have to be either you or your DH who speaks to his family? Why not go in together, holding hands, speak in unison if you can!! Present a united front so they can't try to divide and conquer. Never see them unless you are both there.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Blobby has a good point about never seeing them separately if you can avoid it, then they can't pull their divisive shit on either of you.
However, if you're doing this by phone, you'd need to put it on speaker phone so you could both speak and be heard. Or by Skype (or similar) - so they can see you both as well.

Texts have both advantages and disadvantages, and I think you might be better speaking to them first (together) and then sending a follow-up email.

[IncrediblySadToo]

Your DH needs to grow up and grow a pair.

Tell them if they move any closer to you, you will all move away and not tell them where to.

If he won’t, leave him. You move with DS.

Stop being controlled by them.

[LifeIsToughMate]

I did a stupid stupid mistake...

I had a guy cousin who knows my DH, and when I contacted him to congratulate him for his job, he informed me that he was about to involve my MIL in a financial situation that involves my mother and that my mother refused (mum knows her now), and that he couldn’t understand why I was trying to “control” things and keep the family away from my life and how they should be able to involve friends as they see fit and whatnot.

So I ended up telling him that I have tension with my in laws and then he ended up agreeing that they’re a bit over invested, and so I got carried away and gave him an example of what she did to me as an attempt to defend my position as not being the controlling wife... (stupid I know)...

He then immediately jumped to conclusions - I need to be grateful for what u have, u should appreciate your husband, he is a great guy..


And then he insisted that he wants to be involved to fix (smooch) my in laws and I refused... I kept trying to justify myself in defense and turned into this little girl (he is older than me and I always looked up to him).


I really shouldn’t have.. ihe Really pressured me to say everything else I was treated as the guilty one because all he knows is my mil is amazing.. but this is what I mean by I’m socially isolated.. everyone thinks that it’s set in stone that this woman is Wonder Woman and her money makes her big flaws negligible...

Only those that know her very closely are aware of how racist, mentally disturbed or a sociopath she is... but I can’t be the person letting everyone know all this, as at the end of the day she is my DHs mother anencephaly I feel like I betrayed him and disrespected him behind his back.


His (the older cousin) reaction was rather disappointing. He still will do whatever he wants to do.. but now he knows everything he needs to know to justify it to himself that my poor husband is being controlled by me as I don’t want a close relationship with my relatives who are too busy smooching my in laws.

[LifeIsToughMate]

has a good point about never seeing them separately if you can avoid it, then they can't pull their divisive shit on either of you.

Thanks blobby and Thumb.

Yes I have serious regret for allowing them to seep into what used to be very small cracks in relationship and then enlarging it.

I don’t know how it was possible to be this naive, but I have actually never thought someone that “loves” me could be so divisive and untrustworthy. I feel like I have failed my marriage by doing this..

My DH in his defence was always trying to present a united front. Infront of his family and my family... but I was the one to compromise that.. very unwittingly as I saw them as a source of support for DH and that there is no need to put up an appearance and we can just rely on them to not judge us when we are being ourselves and be there for us if our marriage needed some polishing...


Well she is also known to have a very romantic marriage... until I got to know her and basically her DH is just a way for her to keep an appearance and the way she treats him behind closed doors is appalling..

[LifeIsToughMate]

Anyway I honestly think my naivity contributed to the problem.. I come from a broken home and when someone tells me their parents are very special people I assumed they’re perfect in every way..

Little did I know my DH was bullied and abused as a child until he admits to repeat to his mum that she is perfect... so I guess he assumed it’s the right thing to say.

Sorry to sound like am buried in my own past, I’m just trying to learn a lesson and let it lead the way. I feel like I put my husband in an impossible situation by unknowingly “allowing” his mother to control him and bully him through me.. I never saw that this is what was happening...

So going forward, I think I need to have a bit more respect for my marriage and not even allow a saint to give me “individual” “woman to woman” advice. Whoever has anything to say needs to be in front of DH.

I think I owe my marriage an apology... and I think, going forward, I feel positive that I can now be sure that this won’t happen again because I’m less of a gullible people pleaser... I think I’m going to admit this to my DH, as he has been quite honest about his mistakes but I don’t think it’s fair that he takes all the responsibility alone to fix things when I put him in a very compromising position.


It’s rhe first time I have hope. Thanks to everyone here. I feel a bit more in control in order to not let things escalate like last time. Learning from my mistakes can at least give me some resolve about how ugly things turned out and how my efforts vanished in thin air.. at least I end up with a lesson that I can reflect on every time the painful memories pop up.

Sorry I sound dramatic. But honestly thanks everyone having someone believe me is a big step to look st my situation a bit more logically and less defensively.

[sprouts21]

I enabled them to bully him without being intentional as I didn’t know that’s what they will do and he also as a result became passive to them... I didn’t know they were shits and used to push him to “please his parents

Op I mean this kindly but you are being really dramatic with the guilt and it's not going to help you. Your husband has enabled his parents manipulation of YOU by keeping quiet and being in cahoots with them. He knew damn well what was going on and has actually set it up to fail. What ridiculous behaviour from him.

I also think you need to keep it real regarding mil because it all sounds a bit godfatherish.She isn't the only wealthy person in your town and money doesn't mean they like her. People are not really interested in other people's family fall outs.

[RandomMess]

Have you had any therapy individual or jointly to deal with this?

I think it would be good to tell your DH that you know you made huge mistakes that you were taken in and didn't "hear" what he was trying to tell you. You both need help to work together and find the best approach to un- mesh yourselves without destroying your marriage and yourselves.