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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have challenged DH over the lack of organisation of his workload (in the morning)?

158 replies

Notadonkey · 08/03/2019 10:07

DH is known for being disorganised.

However, after DC1 was born, we had a frank discussion about the need for him to be more organised and not leave huge deadlines to the last minute as it would impact me greatly (who was also returning to work at the time).

Fast forward 3 years, we now have 2 DCs. DH has worked until 2am for the last 3 nights to meet a work deadline he has known about for weeks. I return to work next week after ML and I am nervous that he has reverted to old habits. Last week, he socialised 3 week day evenings and so could have prioritised his work then. I have barely seen him for 2 weeks.

DH is stressed and irritable, I have been ill with a virus for the last week and DC2 wakes a lot during the night.

I could see that DH was stressed yesterday so I skipped my exercise class so that he could work (not that he noticed). I felt guilty that I'd not collected DC1 from nursery so that he could stay at work longer, but I feel he uses me and his parents as a back-up far too much and it was his one turn each week to collect him. He also needs to learn that he doesn't have the luxury of being disorganised when he has 2 DCs and I work myself.

I have put together rotas and schedules for the family and myself for when I go back to work so that everything gets done. A great majority of my work has to be done at home so I am anxious about DH not honouring this and using me to fall back on when he can't do his share of pick ups and childcare because he hasn't planned better.

Having not seen DH much in the last 2 weeks to discuss this and what the family needs from him, I spoke to him this morning. My timing was awful as he had just put on his coat to leave the house, but I naively thought he would let me say what I had to say in a few sentences and then go off to work so no chance of an argument between us etc and time to reflect on what I'd said.

What he actually did shocked me.
He began shouting "shut up!" "Shut up!" At the top of his voice. I continued talking because I'm fed up of not getting my say because he's "too stressed" or "too busy" or "too tired" there is never a right time.
He then started kicking the wall and breathing heavily in an absolute rage as he slammed his cup down and left the house.
I've never felt scared of him before, but I was.

He has been immensely stressed out but this could have been avoided with a little planning. I also don't get much time to myself and my recreation time has suffered, partly due to my own guilt about not collecting DC1 so that he could work longer and partly because I just wanted him to complete the task as he's been so wound up.

I've expressed many times over the last 3 years that he can not work this way anymore with a young family to take care of. It means that if we fall ill, everything falls to me as he won't ever miss a work deadline and never has! There has been evenings over the weekend where he has sat and watched TV and he could have atleast done an hour here and there. It impacts on all of us when he spends 3 days working religiously all hours without any warning from him that he's going to be doing it.

He knows he's always got me and his parents to fall on though,which I think is a big part of the problem. His stress/moods and sulking affects us all so we all have to suffer the consequences.

I'm shocked at his reaction this morning. I clearly pushed him too far by bringing this up before he left the house. He has messaged me to tell me how wrong I was to do so when he's stressed, but surely the lesson is for him to bloody organise himself to avoid outbursts like this in the future?
AIBU?

OP posts:
Nothinglefttochoose · 10/03/2019 13:58

Well now I don’t have much sympathy for you because you’re avoiding talking to him properly. It sounds like you’ve resolved to stay quiet and accept it. That’s fine, but don’t moan on here again.

Original poster
Notadonkey · 10/03/2019 14:05

Thanks @nothinglefttochoose for the helpful advice 👍

It's easy to say unless you've walked in the shoes...as they say.

I've had no opportunity to speak to him yet and if you've decent advice on how to approach this without completely wasting my energy (as nothing will change) I would love take on board your ideas.

OP posts:
Hugtheduggee · 10/03/2019 14:51

It does seem like you dont want to actually have a conversation about it. Your timing initially was clearly geared at you having your say, but not having a discussion, and now you clearly dont want a conversation about it.

timeisnotaline · 10/03/2019 14:52

I think lots of people have had decent advice and you don’t need to talk to him to enact it. Don’t offer to do his pickups, or cook dinner on his nights, do book nights out for yourself and don’t cancel them. Preferably ones where you don’t go home at all inbetween. For now give up on expecting him to prioritise couple time. Fundamentally being matchingly selfish is your only option I’m afraid- if no one else in your marriage/relationship is looking after you then you have to.

Original poster
Notadonkey · 10/03/2019 14:53

Children's nap time and we've attempted to talk. The outcomes:

DH says I purposely chose to speak to.him at that time because I "wanted an argument."

He doesn't see the issue with his workload. "People have to work under pressure at tge last minute all the time."

Spoke to him about his reaction-he asked me to stop talking about it several times before he lost it, but I carried on.

Ive told him how taken for granted I feel and he is sorry I feel this way.

DCs woke up.

As predicted, I feel much worse.

What's the point?

OP posts:
Original poster
Notadonkey · 10/03/2019 14:59

@timeisnotaline your advice makes tons of sense and seems much more achievable

Thankyou

OP posts:
Bohbell · 10/03/2019 15:21

Poor DH is obviously out of his depth, and is relying on you to stop the wheels falling off. It sounds as if the situation has got so bad he is sticking his head in the sand to avoid facing up to it. It also sounds as if you both have a lot on your plate. Are you both working full time? With two very small kids, you might need to be realistic and one of you work fewer hours for the short term. When my two were small i freelanced and took full charge of the domestic stuff and childcare whilst my DH did some long hours. He was the breadwinner, so i just sucked it up and took the attitude that i needed to look after his wellbeing so he could keep getting out the door and bringing home the bacon. If he was there he’d help, but there were also times when he went off on lads weekends and left me to it, feeling resentful. Your DH may go out to get away from the pressure in the home, which is selfish, but also a sign that he just can’t cope. I think many men truely struggle being around very young kids. It will probably get easier as time goes on and until then you will have to take the brunt, like women so often do; or take drastic action and leave. Which would be easier?

Bohbell · 10/03/2019 15:23

Sorry, i didnt sound sympathetic to you as had not read you recent update before i posted. You sound like the strong one. You might have to really dig down and rise above his behaviour for the sake of your family.

birdsdestiny · 10/03/2019 15:31

Op, I think it is terrible advice for you to reduce your hours, ( I am not clear about your work situation) this would make you very vulnerable with a man who has shown he can be violent.

timeisnotaline · 10/03/2019 15:40

Absolutely don’t reduce your hours and take on the home load with a man who doesn’t appreciate it! Everything would only get worse! If I realise I’m not being appreciated for something in my marriage I either stop doing it or get my dh to do it. I absolutely definitely don’t volunteer to do more of it.

Bohbell · 10/03/2019 16:20

i just think he sounds like he’s having a hard time and trying to help him and not change him would be more effective. Maybe she should work FT and he reduce his hours. I just think perhaps someone should.

YouTheCat · 10/03/2019 16:29

But, Bohbell, we all know who the someone would be. The Op's dh doesn't see that there's any problem and wishes to carry on as he is, with OP shouldering all other responsibilities and missing out on her own, limited, leisure time. The Op is already the one making all the compromises here.

AwdBovril · 10/03/2019 16:30

DoinItForTheKids - sorry i only just saw your post. No, AFAIK he's now approx 40 years old, still living with his parents (did briefly have a job but couldn't manage, according to mutual friends) & helps to run a non-profit making social event on a regular basis, related to a specific interest he has. I just had a bit of a peek on FB - first time since I blocked him several years ago... I am more glad than ever I left when I did.

PiebaldHamster · 10/03/2019 16:34

Do NOT reduce your hours and earning potential to continue to enable this person. That would be financially very stupid. He's not making any compromising here because well, he feels entitled to your enabling him.

I think many men truely struggle being around very young kids. It will probably get easier as time goes on and until then you will have to take the brunt, like women so often do; or take drastic action and leave. Which would be easier?

Oh, bullshit! Sexist, ridiculous, enabling crap. Young kids are not easy for a lot of people, FA to do with their gametes. NO ONE should have to 'take the brunt' because of a partner who refuses to adult.

This is how so many women wind up divorced and utterly penniless.

Bohbell · 10/03/2019 22:32

Pie i am not sexist in the slightest as if i could change that fact that men struggle around young kids then i would. Are OPs only oiptions to keep fighting and hope he changes; or leave? That’s practically what you’re saying, which will certainly lead to her being divorced and penniless in no time one way or another.

Or should she give him the benefit of the doubt to see if things improve?

She has been with him for a while and as far as i can see the outburst was a one off. This type of crap goes on in most peoples marriages. It doesnt automatically mean he’s a monster. She is asking him to not take her for granted. Perhaps he feels he is being taken for granted, after all we will never hear his side of the story, will we? And to me he sounds like he works pretty hard so maybe he feel as if he is being controlled. Who knows?

birdsdestiny · 11/03/2019 06:36

Crikey I must have lucked out. I must have found the only man who doesn't punch walls. Op, whatever people are saying this is not normal behaviour.

Iggly · 11/03/2019 06:39

As predicted, I feel much worse

Yes - the conversation didn’t finish due to naps ending. You need to talk about it more.

SpenglerOswald · 11/03/2019 08:10

To be honest it’s not your place to “challenge” your partner about how he does his job, that would get anyone’s back up, and you’re doing it from a position of ignorance, you don’t know what the work flow is like at his work place and you probably like spending the money that comes in so I’d get off his back.

dimsum321 · 11/03/2019 08:18

You both work full time? Get a nanny or au pair otherwise one or both of you will have a complete breakdown.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 11/03/2019 09:05

If you don’t consider yourself (ie putting yourself and your needs at the bottom of the pile; always picking up the slack; always being there) then you can’t expect him or your DC to consider you. When he doesn’t step up to the plate and hasn’t got a plan-don’t cancel things and take over, just a sorry darling, I have to leave now for “whatever it is” so will have to let you get on with things.
A few times of you having to be considered will hopefully start him to consider you and realise the impact on you of his inefficiencies and thoughtlessness. But don’t stop-keep considering yourself, it’s much healthier.

Original poster
Notadonkey · 11/03/2019 13:44

@spengler I know exactly what the work flow is like where he works. I worked there before he did, in the same job!

The workflow is crazy.

However, manageable if you manage your time properly.

I don't work there anymore. My value to them decreased after having DCs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notadonkey · 11/03/2019 13:45

I now work part-time doing the same job, but they would not allow me to go part-time at the place of work I used to share with DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notadonkey · 11/03/2019 13:46

Shared too soon:

So I now work in a different setting.

OP posts:
MinnieMountain · 11/03/2019 16:40

Since you did the same role before OP, can you say what would happen if you no longer picked up the slack at home and he did miss a deadline?

kbPOW · 11/03/2019 17:06

I think there's more than just a chance that one of the goady fuckers on this thread is actually your husband, OP. I find the moronic comments about rotas and OP's controlling behaviour especially pathetic. Like anyone can work and have two small children without having a timetable for who will do what. Yeah, just tell nursery and school you don't like their controlling behaviour and will only drop off and pick up if you feel like it. Ridiculous.

You sound really ground down OP. He's really selfish and uncaring and his responses today are just complete crap. You don't sound surprised at all. I would consider individual counselling for you to consider your options. Also quietly tell him you won't be picking up his slack any more and then just don't. Let the wheels come off. Then he'll blame you, no doubt. It's okay not to put up with it any more.