To have challenged DH over the lack of organisation of his workload (in the morning)?

[Notadonkey]

DH is known for being disorganised.

However, after DC1 was born, we had a frank discussion about the need for him to be more organised and not leave huge deadlines to the last minute as it would impact me greatly (who was also returning to work at the time).

Fast forward 3 years, we now have 2 DCs. DH has worked until 2am for the last 3 nights to meet a work deadline he has known about for weeks. I return to work next week after ML and I am nervous that he has reverted to old habits. Last week, he socialised 3 week day evenings and so could have prioritised his work then. I have barely seen him for 2 weeks.

DH is stressed and irritable, I have been ill with a virus for the last week and DC2 wakes a lot during the night.

I could see that DH was stressed yesterday so I skipped my exercise class so that he could work (not that he noticed). I felt guilty that I'd not collected DC1 from nursery so that he could stay at work longer, but I feel he uses me and his parents as a back-up far too much and it was his one turn each week to collect him. He also needs to learn that he doesn't have the luxury of being disorganised when he has 2 DCs and I work myself.

I have put together rotas and schedules for the family and myself for when I go back to work so that everything gets done. A great majority of my work has to be done at home so I am anxious about DH not honouring this and using me to fall back on when he can't do his share of pick ups and childcare because he hasn't planned better.

Having not seen DH much in the last 2 weeks to discuss this and what the family needs from him, I spoke to him this morning. My timing was awful as he had just put on his coat to leave the house, but I naively thought he would let me say what I had to say in a few sentences and then go off to work so no chance of an argument between us etc and time to reflect on what I'd said.

What he actually did shocked me.
He began shouting "shut up!" "Shut up!" At the top of his voice. I continued talking because I'm fed up of not getting my say because he's "too stressed" or "too busy" or "too tired" there is never a right time.
He then started kicking the wall and breathing heavily in an absolute rage as he slammed his cup down and left the house.
I've never felt scared of him before, but I was.

He has been immensely stressed out but this could have been avoided with a little planning. I also don't get much time to myself and my recreation time has suffered, partly due to my own guilt about not collecting DC1 so that he could work longer and partly because I just wanted him to complete the task as he's been so wound up.

I've expressed many times over the last 3 years that he can not work this way anymore with a young family to take care of. It means that if we fall ill, everything falls to me as he won't ever miss a work deadline and never has! There has been evenings over the weekend where he has sat and watched TV and he could have atleast done an hour here and there. It impacts on all of us when he spends 3 days working religiously all hours without any warning from him that he's going to be doing it.

He knows he's always got me and his parents to fall on though,which I think is a big part of the problem. His stress/moods and sulking affects us all so we all have to suffer the consequences.

I'm shocked at his reaction this morning. I clearly pushed him too far by bringing this up before he left the house. He has messaged me to tell me how wrong I was to do so when he's stressed, but surely the lesson is for him to bloody organise himself to avoid outbursts like this in the future?
AIBU?

Am I the only one who noticed the OP had to kid wrangle while she was bed bound as her DH had a deadline...

Also what happens when she is busy at work or needs to work in the evening or whatever and he has a deadline as well, is it up to her to bend over backwards just so he doesn't kick off?!

He can organise his work how it suits him but it should be impacting him, the impact on the family should be minimal.

Sure, they can agree he can check out for 1/2 days, but he has to pick up the slack to make up for it, definitely wouldn't be able to go out 3 times and then leave everything to someone else.

@ByStarlight I think hits it on the head. It's a description of someone who procrastinates with deadlines but gets that they have to be hands on therefore the rest of the time.

Aside from the violence, which is horrific, it does sound like your Dh has checked out of his family responsibilities. Yes he's a procrastinator, but that doesn't give him the right to ignore his family and home.

I'm a procrastinator and often put in a few very, very late nights in a row when a deadline is looming and I need to get my shit together.

But I go home and do the tasks I'm responsible for at home first. Then get started again once the dcs are home and ready for bed. I don't get a pass on family responsibilities just because I'm a procrastinator.

And sometimes, I do get that pass and stay in the office til late, but only after discussing with Dh. He isn't a procrastinator, but has an extra heavy workload every now and then and I support him when he needs to stay late. We balance it out. It doesn't sound like there's much balance in your situation.

This reminds me of a quote I often think of with my DH:

Your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my part.

I try to bring it up before it happens so there's time for him to up the pace - I am a planner, I can see when he's not left enough time so I fire a warning shot - I'm not picking up the slack just because you're going to run out of time.

Other times, I just accept that's who he is, thank my lucky stars that my work is flexible and plan my week as if he was away!! He is, however, massively grateful and frequently thanks me if I take on the 50s housewife role for a week.

A calm chat with some clear strategies / rules for the future as it's not fair to continue like this.

My husband is the same. I suspect he has undiagnosed ADHD. My husband ticks every symptoms box. His life is chaos. It makes family life very poor. Often you read on here people asking why have children with a man like this. Sadly, it's when children arrive that these issues really present themselves. They have always been chaotic, incapable of planning, forgetful, selfish etc. But when children have needs that have to be met the strain is too great.

My husband does nothing in the house, nothing much with the kids, seems to work constantly and still can't manage his deadlines. The sudden explosion of temper when questioned can often happen too.

I don't have much advice. My husband's mother basically carries his load.

You should take time to think about whether this kind of behavior as been present all along. It may not be ADHD, of course. But it is worth considering.

@poglets this sounds all too familiar.

I have been considering DH may have ADHD, Aspergers or Dyspraxia since the DCs. I lean towards ADHD though and suspect DC1 has it too.

@Notadonkey

From the outside your husband's behavior seems to be that of a selfish bastard. However, I realize from living on the inside, watching the patterns repeat over and over, that in my experience there is something more going on. I don't really know how to solve it. My husband is 47. His mother has compensated for him his entire life. In other ways, my husband is great to be with. But behind closed doors it is often challenging, lonely and frustrating.

I have taken a massive step back. You say you work from home. Is there any way to make yourself unavailable? Work from somewhere else, perhaps? This has helped me keep my sanity. You don't always have to bend over backwards to solve his problems.
And to some extent, you start to live your life oblivious to him. I know, it isn't a perfect solution.

Just to add, as a procrastinator, I simply could not cope with being forced into a rota like you suggest, any more than you could probably cope with doing everything last minute. Very different ways of working.- yours isn't better than his (or vice versa).

The question is how do you compromise together when you have children so it's not always you picking up the slack.

Knowing when he'll be pulling the all nighters so you know when each of you take up the slack in advance is a much better way of things working long term than trying to force your working style on him.

If any man screamed at me and was kicking walls I wouldn't be there when he got home, or the doors out be locked with keys in the inside/chain on and his bag on the doorstep.

Totally out of order.

Don’t you dare apologise. Tell him you can’t go on like this and he has to change. Otherwise, see you later. I do have to wonder why you married and had kids with him op

@hugtheduggee he has to be forced into a rota! We have to collect DCs on a rota because of my work! Perhaps it's the word "rota" that you have issues with? How about I wrote down who needs to collect the DCs and when? Obviously there was a conversation with DH first regarding which day(s) suits him better etc.

These things have to be planned unfortunately. Life wouldn't function any other way.

I work at home for the second half of everyday where I have to collate and write up everything from the morning so although I am at home, I am not really 3 days of the week.

He doesn't have to be forced into a rota, but you do need to discuss things like pick ups before they happen. That can be a conversation at the beginning of the week though.

If I was given a rota and told I'd HAVE to stick to it, I'd be horrified. It's very controlling. I can see why you want one, as he seems to be taking advantage at present, but that means you need to both communicate more, and him pick up slack during quieter times, rather then him just doing everything your way.

We don't have a rota, and our lives work perfectly fine! And honestly if we did have a rota, wed have to alter it so often (last minute work demands, social events, illness.etc) that it would be pointless.

He spoke to you in an appalling way, and seems not to be pulling his weight, but you cant expect him to do everything your way. He will be as uncomfortable with your way of doing things as you are with his. You both need to find the middle ground here.

Thank you magicstar1 for your link. I've been a procrastinator all my life. It's gotten worse since retiring because there is no urgency anymore so things are not getting done (especially the fun arty things I've planned for years to do in my retirement).
Op, I feel for you but I also feel for your DH. I've been there (still am, I guess) – putting things off until the very last minute and then working in a panic on them. I feel guilt, frustration and anger when I procrastinate but maybe, after reading that wonderful article, I can take some control back. Definitely get your DH to read it as it may help to change his life. Just understanding why procrastination happens can help him move forward a bit. Good luck!

@colbyamdmontysmum I think just the fact that you've read the article and want to do things differently makes you a lot different to my DH. Goodluck. You sound lovely.

@hugtheduggee it's literally just written on a sheet of paper so we know what's happening when. DH can add to it/change stuff. It's to avoid DCs sat there with nobody to pick them up.
Call it a rota, reminder, list... whatever.
You seem to have a rota phobia.

Speaking as a planner also married to a procrastinator, I think rotas help procrastinators, as one of their issues is being realistic, so at least it gives them a fixed task in the day to work back from. My rule is, is /whatever task/ going to mostly impact DD, me, DH? If just DH, I leave it (unless he asks me to help, in good time and I have capacity). If it's going to inconvenience me and/or DD, I get involved.

Those giving OP a hard time for 'picking' a time when he was likely to go off - sounds like she's had bugger all chance to bring it up with him in the last couple of weeks, has been sick as a dog, is stressed out from coming off ML, has been picking up DH's slack without a word of thanks or recognition, and had had it up to here. Which I can definitely understand.

I also wonder if he makes himself unavailable in a deliberate attempt to avoid these awkward little conversations?

I think perhaps his extreme (and inexcusable) reaction shows that he is in the abhorrent position of knowing that you are exactly right, and he is very much in the wrong. A lot of people really can't cope with that. I think his inability to apologise for his behavious this morning is yet more of the same. Very childish.

Your DH shouted due to guilt as he knows you are right. Doesn't excuse the behaviour, however.

How can you exist without a plan of how kids get where they need to be? How can anyone in the family commit to anything if the parents don't divvy up the work? Hugtheduggee - how does it work practically speaking? The kids have a club every Tuesday in term time. You both normally finish work at around 5.30pm. The club starts at 6 and means someone has to finish early on Tuesdays to drop them off. What happens? You negotiate afresh every week? What if one parent decides to go out. Do they ask permission from the other?

Wow some of the comments on here are totally ridiculous.

He has to get his shit together, it's that simple.

He lost it because he was stressed.

How does he think you bloody feel doing fucking everything, including when you're ill, and with another child (him) to deal with?

It jumped off the page by the way, that he'll make time for work (when he has to), and plenty time for socialising but you and the children just have to suck up his inability to even try to make a pass at being involved or doing anything.

I couldn't be attracted to that.

Are you actually interested in trying to find a compromise here, or do you just believe your way is best and want him to comply?

Because whilst his reaction this morning was totally unacceptable, you werent trying to have a conversation or an adult discussion about it, but to say what you wanted to say.

And no, I dont have a phobia of rotas, they just dont work for me. Someone could equally say that you are obsessed with planning...

Planners and procrastinators can live together, but there has to be compromise on both sides.

Hope your boss never has to supply you with a rota then. 🙄

They are a huge factor in my job and it would fall apart without them🤔 funnily enough they are a huge part of DH's job too. He even has to write them.

So not really an excuse is it.

So im right then arent I? Your view is that he has to do things your way, rather than finding a compromise you can both live with happily?

He shouldn't have reacted as he did, but I do find your attitude quite controlling.

@Hugtheduggee do you have dc? How do you even know who is picking them up/ dropping them off/ taking them to clubs? Surely every family has a rota of some kind, even if it's only verbal. The only way you wouldn't need one is if you were a single parent or one of you had some responsibility for childcare?