To have challenged DH over the lack of organisation of his workload (in the morning)?

[Notadonkey]

DH is known for being disorganised.

However, after DC1 was born, we had a frank discussion about the need for him to be more organised and not leave huge deadlines to the last minute as it would impact me greatly (who was also returning to work at the time).

Fast forward 3 years, we now have 2 DCs. DH has worked until 2am for the last 3 nights to meet a work deadline he has known about for weeks. I return to work next week after ML and I am nervous that he has reverted to old habits. Last week, he socialised 3 week day evenings and so could have prioritised his work then. I have barely seen him for 2 weeks.

DH is stressed and irritable, I have been ill with a virus for the last week and DC2 wakes a lot during the night.

I could see that DH was stressed yesterday so I skipped my exercise class so that he could work (not that he noticed). I felt guilty that I'd not collected DC1 from nursery so that he could stay at work longer, but I feel he uses me and his parents as a back-up far too much and it was his one turn each week to collect him. He also needs to learn that he doesn't have the luxury of being disorganised when he has 2 DCs and I work myself.

I have put together rotas and schedules for the family and myself for when I go back to work so that everything gets done. A great majority of my work has to be done at home so I am anxious about DH not honouring this and using me to fall back on when he can't do his share of pick ups and childcare because he hasn't planned better.

Having not seen DH much in the last 2 weeks to discuss this and what the family needs from him, I spoke to him this morning. My timing was awful as he had just put on his coat to leave the house, but I naively thought he would let me say what I had to say in a few sentences and then go off to work so no chance of an argument between us etc and time to reflect on what I'd said.

What he actually did shocked me.
He began shouting "shut up!" "Shut up!" At the top of his voice. I continued talking because I'm fed up of not getting my say because he's "too stressed" or "too busy" or "too tired" there is never a right time.
He then started kicking the wall and breathing heavily in an absolute rage as he slammed his cup down and left the house.
I've never felt scared of him before, but I was.

He has been immensely stressed out but this could have been avoided with a little planning. I also don't get much time to myself and my recreation time has suffered, partly due to my own guilt about not collecting DC1 so that he could work longer and partly because I just wanted him to complete the task as he's been so wound up.

I've expressed many times over the last 3 years that he can not work this way anymore with a young family to take care of. It means that if we fall ill, everything falls to me as he won't ever miss a work deadline and never has! There has been evenings over the weekend where he has sat and watched TV and he could have atleast done an hour here and there. It impacts on all of us when he spends 3 days working religiously all hours without any warning from him that he's going to be doing it.

He knows he's always got me and his parents to fall on though,which I think is a big part of the problem. His stress/moods and sulking affects us all so we all have to suffer the consequences.

I'm shocked at his reaction this morning. I clearly pushed him too far by bringing this up before he left the house. He has messaged me to tell me how wrong I was to do so when he's stressed, but surely the lesson is for him to bloody organise himself to avoid outbursts like this in the future?
AIBU?

@hugtheduggee-good ideas. I think he would take advantage with option 2 though and he would definitely sulk at having to do more.

He needs to sort this out. You are doing him no favours by cancelling your exercise class etc to take the strain off him etc. It's a great thing to do if he was usually organised and this was an unforeseen emergency but if this was entirely avoidable then he's only going to learn by having to deal with the full consequences. Tough love. I would let him crack on without cutting him slack until he asks for help, and at that point step in. Send him a message to tell him how hiss behaviour this morning made you feel. He can't get away with treating you like that no matter how stressed.

Sounds like my ex. His attitude was that he shouldn’t have to change his working patterns. He complained that I didn’t support him enough. And his shouting got more and more frequent until it was every day and about trivial things. I was walking on egg shells. If your DH is willing to consider making changes, that’s good. But if he won’t even discuss it, or if he agrees and then just doesn’t make the changes he’s agreed to, you may find it’s preferable to split up, because of the fundamental lack of respect for you.

Also don't go drawing up Rota's etc he needs to want to organise himself. I used to do this with my DH. Never worked. Finally I just let him be and he just started doing stuff. He will only change if he wants to and he's much less likely to want to if you are always on his case.

Sorry that reads as if I think you're in the wrong. I don't. He is absolutely out of line. I just think you need to step back and Look after yourself and what you can influence.

I'm sorry but I think people are minimising the kicking the wall. I would class that as abusive- whether he knows this or not, hitting/punching/kicking inanimate objects is one step below attacking a person. It's used to intimidate and it's worked.

I can't believe you're planning to apologise. I can honestly say if my DH did that one or other of us would be sleeping elsewhere till we'd had a v serious conversation and he seems to be doubling down on you causing it.

I've worked with women who've been in abusive relationships and I am quite paranoid about nipping in the bud any behaviour that could escalate. Would he have done that in work? If yes, he needs anger management support as in most places that would lead to dismissal. If not, you need to think carefully about why he thought physically intimidating you was acceptable and the effect on your children if he ever does it in front of them.

You can't change someone who doesn't want to change.

Also- I have huge difficulty organising my workload, I have dyspraxia, I have frequently got stressed and irritable about it. I've never devalued DH's time- I'm some contexts he's helped me pick up the slack, I've worked late when I didn't need to, etc. But I've only ever been apologetic and thankful. Stressed out procrastinator doesn't have to equal aggressive and taking you for granted. I am the one who tries to research ways to make myself and the family more organised because it's my problem. You need to look at why he doesn't think it's his.

I think it's time he experienced not meeting a deadline.
And what happens if he gets into trouble with his bosses at work for missing a deadline just so you can make your point?
The wall-kicking notwithstanding (though I can't help thinking you chose that time deliberately so he couldn't respond properly), you're assuming that he should work just like you. Some people actually function better with tight deadlines, and without rotas & schedules (that sounds controlling) - they don't fit into your box and they shouldn't have to do so. You'd be much better sitting down with him and having a calm discussion of how you BOTH feel, and looking for ways to work better together. Plan in advance so that you both know when he's got a deadline, and then work on the assumption that he'll be cramming it in at the last minute - put it in your rota! You plan to take up the slack then but equally you know that you can plan to take some time out earlier (instead of him going out 3 times) and he'll be available to cover that. Don't assume you're right and he's wrong, just assume you're both right but different and look for ways to accommodate it.

friartuck that hardly acknowledges the disparity here. Do you really think the dh will go along with : you are shit at organising so you take no social or tv time and I get all that time to myself as I then have to cover for your shitness? I doubt it. If that were a colleague you’d give them a warning not work out how you could cover for them.

I don't function well with tight deadlines @friartuck and his tight deadlines are negatively affecting me and the children.
That is called selfish.

2 things stick out for me here.....

• he lost his temper and he is blaming your timing of when you spoke to him. He has checked out though for 2 weeks whilst you have been ill. His behaviour is honestly outrageous.
• he has major work deadlines. He prioritised going out with friends. You prioritised family. He gets his work done.

But you apparently picked a bad time to speak to him. Not only was he violent but rather than apologetic he has had time to berate you for it.

So he has checked out on you for 2 weeks, acted like a single bloke and reacted both physically and verbally aggressively twice because you have said something about it.

And you are thinking of apologising... please rethink

I really feel for you, because from your end it's really shit. But I'm like your DH, and I'm waiting for my referral for Inattentive ADHD diagnosis. Have a look at it, and see if he meets any of the other markers.

I don't function well with tight deadlines @friartuck and his tight deadlines are negatively affecting me and the children.
That is called selfish.
Er, no. You're being selfish by insisting you have everything your way. I've suggested you both look at making things work for both of you. You're insisting you both work your way. That's selfish.
Do you really think the dh will go along with : you are shit at organising so you take no social or tv time and I get all that time to myself as I then have to cover for your shitness?
The OP could say that they both have different ways of organising their lives and that she doesn't want to have to pick up the burden when he's relaxing AND when he's stressed working. I didn't suggest he gave up all his relaxing time, I suggested he gave up some to look after the children etc. while OP got some time to herself. And likewise when he's working long hours for a deadline in the way that works best for him even if it's different to OP's preferred way OP picks up the slack. Result = both get relaxation, both get busy times.
It's called compromise which unfortunately some people on Mumsnet don't comprehend.

he is blaming your timing of when you spoke to him
OP deliberately picked the time when he was walking out the door to work. Hardly a good time for anyone.

OP, his reaction was completely inappropriate but there are a few things that you have said that stand out to me.

The rotas and schedules - I take it you did those off your own bat without discussing it with him? That does sound rather like the actions of someone suffering from anxiety, and can come across as a little controlling - everything has to be done my way otherwise I'm stressed (he sounds just the same tbh!)

I'm also getting the vibe that he has always been like this, you've never liked it but are using the childcare issue as an excuse to 'make' him change. He's got to want to change, it's not going to come from you unfortunately.

You both have very different styles and are not going to be happy working the other person's way. Would you be able to leave the children with the grandparents and discuss this face-to-face? I appreciate you are frustrated but that was the wrong time to talk to him about it, it does come across as you wanting to get your point across without giving him any time to discuss it because you knew he was on the way out - that doesn't make his reaction acceptable at all, btw.

I hope you can sort something out, but do bear in mind that life doesn't always stick to schedules and rotas.

I don't think it matters whether he works better like this or not. He now has a family to think about and other responsibilities outside of work, so he has to manage his time better. My dh can get a bit like this, last time he told me he was gonna be late for the 3rd night in a row leaving me to sort pick up etc out I told him that he may as well stay somewhere else that night then. He hasn't done it since. Yes he sometimes has to stay late but it's not every night for 2 weeks like it was before.

FRIARTUCK So this unorganized and selfish man is blameless? So screaming at his wife and kicking the wall and berating her in an email is justifiable? It sounds like she is exhausted and her voice isn't being heard by her partner. She's a human being and her timing was wrong but not as wrong as he was

I agree with babyworry2018. You’re minimising the violent reaction. Would he act like that at work? He wants you back in your box being his good little wifey slave. He wouldn’t be sleeping in my house tonight after that! Bad timing on your part does not excuse that.

OP

Do NOT apologise for him shouting at you and kicking the wall.

He needs to apologise to you for that disgraceful & frightening behaviour

and get his arse into gear to plan his work like a responsible adult

Your husband was violent and scared you simply because you picked the wrong time to speak to him-you should discuss the issue when you are both able to talk together but his first words would have to be an apology or he'd be in the doghouse

YANBU regarding his reaction and behaviour towards you when you expressed how his actions made you feel- he was totally out of order there.

But YABU to expect him to change the way he manages his deadlines and workload. As PPs have said, different people are motivated differently and those with major procrastination problems (I know this well, as I’m exactly the same) can find it impossible to work in what others would see as a more effective way. My salary is double my DH’s and my role and responsibilities carry more than double the stress. When I have a work deadline I pretty much lock myself away with coffee and chocolate for the 24 hours before and often have to stay up all night to get it done. This is my way of working - but I can only do this with having a family because DH knows me so well and I always warn him when I have a deadline coming up, and he then pretty much is a single parent for those 24 hours, keeping DS entertained and both staying out of my way until I give them the ‘all clear’ that my work is submitted.

I am often stressed and short tempered during these times....usually with myself as I know I only have myself to blame and am annoyed with myself for not starting it earlier.....like every other deadline I’ve had in the past 30 years!! But communication is the key- letting DH know in advance when my major deadlines will be, and making sure I’m a hands-on mum all the rest of the time to make up for it. We’ve had our arguments from his frustration over my ‘lack of organisation’ over the years but I never kicked any walls...although I may have shouted and slammed some doors

But essentially, DH realises that procrastination and leaving things to the last minute is who I am, and it’s unlikely that I can change (reading Magicstar’s link hoping for a solution!!!). We’ve just found ways to work together and respect each other’s ways of doing things.

Can you get him to share his work deadline schedules with you? Not so you can manage how he meets them, but more so you can be aware of when the high pressure times will occur and try and plan around them. But make sure he gives you a break after a deadline and takes on the majority of chores for a few days so you get some time for yourself in return.

There's probably more to his working patterns than first appears. People who leave deadlines to the last minute are often driven by a perfection pattern. This doesn't mean that he thinks he's perfect but it does mean he needs the pressure of failing a deadline to get over the fear of a failing at the work. It is really stressful.
This doesn't excuse his behaviour.

However, you are expecting to behave like you and work in the way you work. Which is quite judgemental and for someone who probably already doesn't feel good enough (the driver behind the perfection pattern) will compound this.

You need to talk to him about what you both need. And he might need some external help.

Your husband was violent and scared you simply because you picked the wrong time to speak to him

Holy shit - so it's OP's fault that her husband is kicking walls and screaming at her. Remember that - only bring up things which are bothering you when it's convenient to him, suck it up at all other times and just carry on shouldering the load.. poor man!!

Unbelievable!! He was VIOLENT and SCARED her.. that should never be a reaction to someone you supposedly love

I wouldn’t apologise for anything. His reaction has negated anything you did wrong over timings.
He needs to take responsibility for his own planning & schedule and he should be asking you / telling you when he can’t meet his commitments like picking kids up and looking after kids if you are out.