To have challenged DH over the lack of organisation of his workload (in the morning)?

[Notadonkey]

DH is known for being disorganised.

However, after DC1 was born, we had a frank discussion about the need for him to be more organised and not leave huge deadlines to the last minute as it would impact me greatly (who was also returning to work at the time).

Fast forward 3 years, we now have 2 DCs. DH has worked until 2am for the last 3 nights to meet a work deadline he has known about for weeks. I return to work next week after ML and I am nervous that he has reverted to old habits. Last week, he socialised 3 week day evenings and so could have prioritised his work then. I have barely seen him for 2 weeks.

DH is stressed and irritable, I have been ill with a virus for the last week and DC2 wakes a lot during the night.

I could see that DH was stressed yesterday so I skipped my exercise class so that he could work (not that he noticed). I felt guilty that I'd not collected DC1 from nursery so that he could stay at work longer, but I feel he uses me and his parents as a back-up far too much and it was his one turn each week to collect him. He also needs to learn that he doesn't have the luxury of being disorganised when he has 2 DCs and I work myself.

I have put together rotas and schedules for the family and myself for when I go back to work so that everything gets done. A great majority of my work has to be done at home so I am anxious about DH not honouring this and using me to fall back on when he can't do his share of pick ups and childcare because he hasn't planned better.

Having not seen DH much in the last 2 weeks to discuss this and what the family needs from him, I spoke to him this morning. My timing was awful as he had just put on his coat to leave the house, but I naively thought he would let me say what I had to say in a few sentences and then go off to work so no chance of an argument between us etc and time to reflect on what I'd said.

What he actually did shocked me.
He began shouting "shut up!" "Shut up!" At the top of his voice. I continued talking because I'm fed up of not getting my say because he's "too stressed" or "too busy" or "too tired" there is never a right time.
He then started kicking the wall and breathing heavily in an absolute rage as he slammed his cup down and left the house.
I've never felt scared of him before, but I was.

He has been immensely stressed out but this could have been avoided with a little planning. I also don't get much time to myself and my recreation time has suffered, partly due to my own guilt about not collecting DC1 so that he could work longer and partly because I just wanted him to complete the task as he's been so wound up.

I've expressed many times over the last 3 years that he can not work this way anymore with a young family to take care of. It means that if we fall ill, everything falls to me as he won't ever miss a work deadline and never has! There has been evenings over the weekend where he has sat and watched TV and he could have atleast done an hour here and there. It impacts on all of us when he spends 3 days working religiously all hours without any warning from him that he's going to be doing it.

He knows he's always got me and his parents to fall on though,which I think is a big part of the problem. His stress/moods and sulking affects us all so we all have to suffer the consequences.

I'm shocked at his reaction this morning. I clearly pushed him too far by bringing this up before he left the house. He has messaged me to tell me how wrong I was to do so when he's stressed, but surely the lesson is for him to bloody organise himself to avoid outbursts like this in the future?
AIBU?

I agree with gingerscot.

You're not controlling. He's a person who doesn't want to behave like an adult who chose to have children.

How the hell is OP in the wrong?

He is actively ignoring repeated requests to be an equal partner and parent, and got aggressive when OP (who has been singlehandedly carrying every responsibility thus enabling him to live his life as he chooses without a thought for her or their children) finally had enough and called him out.

A woman telling a crap man he's crap isn't controlling ffs, and it's bollocks to tell her she is!

Just read this out to my DH (because I think both of us could perhaps see some of our story reflected in this).

He was:

1. You are so not being unreasonable.
2. All your concerns are valid and they need to be dealt with. You're right, it was a pants time, but if that was the only time that you could (and it doesn't sound like there's been a lot of other opportunties) then that was the only time you could.
3. It sounds to him like he's allowed his stress problem to tip over to a mental health problem. Which also needs to be dealt with.

My thing is while there can be flexibility, negotiation and compromise in how you organise your rota/family plan/daily schedule, there are certain non-negotiables. For instance, children need to be got up and got ready for nursery, and taken there on time. They have to be collected on time. All family members need to be fed. Groceries have to be bought. House needs to be picked up/cleaned. Cars need to be serviced, bills paid, bins put out. These things all have to be prioritised before socialising, recreation, and are just as necessary as meeting the deadline at work, and just as much both parents responsibility to ensure they are done in a timely fashion.

You've actually got off your arse and done a rota to try and ensure these things are done. If he doesn't like a rota, that you've put together, then he needs to come up with an alternative or discuss how to change the one on the table to make it work for him.

I am your dh. I have loads of adhd characteristics, including extrene procrastination. You could band on to me all day about how I need to be more organised, but I absolutely would not be able to. I just can't do stuff until it's urgent - then I'm an actual superhero

Luckily dh is amazing and he takes me flaws and all. He's not perfect, I'm not perfect. I'm glad he knows that I'm always just trying my best. He has some awfully frustrating habits, like never using or carrying his mobile, or being really late from work with no communication. I get annoyed in the moment, but then cut him slack. We're just doing our best. Honestly, neither of us would ever criticise or tell each other what to do.

I'm aware that my post sounds like a load of smug billshit, but I'm really happy: at work, at home and in my marriage. Loads of that is to do with dh being ok with the parts of me that really suck.

He's not trying his best, ifeel, and no one has to enable that. He doesn't want to change. He doesn't give a shit.

Under no circumstances apologise. You do not apologise when someone is violent to you. I can't believe some of the responses and wonder what lives people are living. I have never been frightened of dh and god knows he is not perfect. I would ask him to get help. Actually no I wouldn't, if it was possible I would leave.

"
Also what happens when she is busy at work or needs to work in the evening or whatever and he has a deadline as well, is it up to her to bend over backwards just so he doesn't kick off?!"
Op is a woman. Her job isn't important.

I love how loads of people on here are describing it as a difference in styles but presumably expect to catch trains and planes, have their dcs school open when it says it'll be, visit the dentist when they need to. I naturally work like this, I thrive on the urgency. But now I'm a parent I had to get my shit together because I have to balance work and family. Every now and again I can 'order' DH or my parents to pick up but it is very rare. And DH gets the same luxury, in a genuine work emergency we'll drop everything to help the other. But routine deadlines are not a work emergency.

I'm a planner and a procrastinator, I need to plan to get the main things done but a lot of my life is sorted in a last minute panic.

I have 2 pre school children, we don't have family rotas, we both have fairly consistent jobs that mean childcare arrangement don't change most weeks, but other than that stuff just gets done. My job does require me to work a lot at home during my evenings every week.

My husband is less last minute annie style than me so he does pick up the slack sometimes but not often.

I agree with others that you seem to think its your way or nothing, in your opening post you said that you picked a time you could say you piece and he would head off to work - did you think he would not want to discuss it - agree his reaction was not acceptable but he was always going to want to give his side. As others had said it would be better to raise it on a weekend night when there is no deadlines and no kids about.

It sounds like you need to plan everything to the last detail which may work for you but is it necessary, is it adding to his stress and increasing yours as its not being stuck to.

Trying thinking about how you can manage your family incorporating everyones traits not just getting them to stick to yours - I have seen a family try to do it your way and the stress levels for the organiser one go through the roof and not achieve anything other than a very stressed but perfectly maintained household.

If the OP caught him at a bad time he could've used words rather than flown into a rage.

He could've just walked out...

He chose to act like he did.

It was a bad time this morning.
But,
He doesn't like communicating.
Like I said upthread, there seems to never be a right time.
He's also always too busy to talk. Wednesdays are supposed to be our night, I haven't seen him on a Wednesday for 2 weeks.

Wonder if it's deliberate.

Has he apologised yet?

Well, from where I sit, you seem to do a hell of a lot of accommodating/enabling of his personality traits, i.e procastinating.

What's he doing to accommodate/enable yours? I.e, anxiety?

He does help make my mornings less stressy by taking the children first thing so that I can 'wake up'. He gets them dressed/ brushes teeth whilst I hide in the bedroom and get myself ready atleast.

No apology yet.

We are both using one word answers at the moment.😖

Oh dear, are the babes in bed? You fellas need to sit down and clear the air.

You might want to think about a bit of couples counselling too.

Look at things this way, if he had reacted that way at work, deadlines would be the last of his worries.

So despite presumably loving you, he chose to treat you with less consideration...

I suppose I’d message him- find a right time to talk and let me know my tomorrow. If you can’t talk any time in the next week I need to rebalance us as I can’t carry your slack anymore. You will be on pick up your usual days and I will have evenings off on monday Tuesday and Thursday (or similar obviously). Note this is no more than uour social weeks when you are out 3 nights and it is far less than your deadline weeks when you are out nearly every night, so it’s not really rebalancing.

Let me know by tomorrow night.

It was a bad time to bring it up, but his reaction was very worrying.

I think you should suggest he sees a GP. His reaction wasn't normal, and perhaps having a medical professional acknowledge that he's suffering from stress might help him treat it as an objective problem that he needs to manage?

Crikey. You are both under a lot of pressure. Your kids are tiny still. Life is complicate and stressful and it’s really hard to juggle everything and stay sane.

He reacted badly. And sounds like he hides behind work a bit, like it’s his excuse for not being around much. And his approach to time management feeds into that.

You were right to raise it. But timed it badly. It shouldn’t all fall to you, that’s for sure.

Honestly, I think a lot of this is the curse of modern life. I do not for one second think we should revert to 50s housewives but when both parents work, life gets hectic. And life as parents is hectic anyway. And it’s difficult to get it right. The balance is usually always off, with one feeling more hard done by or more stressed or more tired or more bored.... it’s kind of just the way it goes.

Clearly you need to figure out a way forward together (derr helpful ) but remembering that you are right in the thick of The Hard Bit is important too.

And yes, make your rota much fairer by allocating each of you 1-2 evenings off each week. He can swap with your prior agreement, but otherwise he can't book anything social on those days because he has childcare responsibilities.

We each have an agreed 2 days off each week! Last week, I challenged him on it and he said "well,it's a one off."

As always it was "our" night which suffered.

@getback, yes I have children, we just discuss the rough plan for the week a few days before, and then talk to each other. Our schedule varies every week in terms of when we need childcare, what days we are both working, our relative workloads, so we work it out as we go along.

Not every family has rotas. If it works work everyone, then great but there is more than one way to organise life, and I feel should be a matter of agreement not one person dictating to the other.

Hugthe sounds like your weeks vary a lot so you have to do it week by week. We're both teachers in our house so our timetables are fixed and a bunch of students need us to be in a specific place at a specific time. So we need a rota, especially as we don't always overlap that much. The OP describes a situation where her DH is actively avoiding communicating with her and she's sleep deprived. Being systematic is helpful in that sort of situation so everyone knows where they stand.

The other reason we've had to be strict on timings is we've both got long commutes so we need to know if we get stuck somewhere whether the other one can potentially jump in a car or whether they'd have to be pulled out of a lesson/lecture and not be able to make it in time anyway. We have both covered work and personal crises for each other of course but neither of us takes the piss so it works...

I dont think the op is saying everything has to be done her way. She is pointing out that she has mh issues which are exacerbated by X therefore to avoid that she does Y. The DH doesnt seem to care that X exacerbates her MH and has no alternative to her Y. He is presenting no solution to this problem.

Dh and I had to sit down one summer and talk about why we seemed so busy the whole time. We agreed what we would cut and what we would say yes to. We took all our needs into account. So he will sometimes take dc2 out to something leaving me with dc1 who has asd and needs a bit more downtime. I think you 2 need to have a similar discussion about how many nights out a week you can deal with before it negatively affects you.

Posted too soon, but that needs to be part of a wider discussion about the mental load.