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Original poster

Would your DH take his own kids for an hour if you were ill?

140 replies

7amandtiredalready · 08/03/2019 08:29

As it says in the title. Not a gripe with my DH (I don't have a DH) but with my mother.

I'm taking antibiotics for a chest infection and I've also done something horribly painful to my neck, arm and back because I've been coughing so hard. The GP told me to try to have a lie-down for an hour or so at the weekend when I'm not working. I was having a very mild moan to my mother on the phone about not being able to do that because I'm a single mum and don't have a DH/ DP to look after DC for an hour (for the avoidance of doubt, I was NOT angling for her to help out and there was no question of that).

Her response was that, even if I had a DH, I still wouldn't be able to have a break because a man wouldn't / couldn't be expected to look after his own kids for an hour even if his wife was ill. I'm not going nuts - that's weird sexist bullshit, isn't it? I lurk on Mumsnet so I know there are some awful lazy dads out there, but surely the number of men willing to supervise their own children for an hour is > 0, right?

OP posts:
WhatchaMaCalllit · 08/03/2019 10:19

@7amandtiredalready - I'm guessing that your mother has grown up in the era that the wife stays at home and has her husband's slippers/pipe/dinner ready for him when he returns from a busy/lazy day at the office?

She is deluded.

My DH took our two kids away for a long weekend by himself Shock and was able to live to tell the tale! Surprisingly, so was I and I wasn't ill, I just needed a break without the kids.

It is what being in a partnership is all about. We share the load. We share the good and the bad times. It is all shared between us.

LBOCS2 · 08/03/2019 10:19

Absolutely. I caught scarlet fever from DD1 and DH wrangled a newborn, a 3yo and an 8yo for the whole weekend on one occasion. He just presented me with the baby when she needed feeding them took her away again so I could sleep.

My parents separated when I was 9 and DSis was 5. DDad managed to parent us all on his own EOW until I went to university.

It's your mum that is out of step, not you.

mamato3lads · 08/03/2019 10:21

DH wouldn't always WANT to but certainly would and is happy to give me a break if i need one. Think thats what a relationship is all about. Give and take. Your mother has very outdated views Shock

CostanzaG · 08/03/2019 10:24

mam why wouldn’t your DH want to spend time with his children?

KatharinaRosalie · 08/03/2019 10:26

DH is an equal parent and takes care of kids by himself more than I do. Lot more, now that I think of it, as I have quite a bit of work travel.
Your mum will be shocked to hear that I also don't cook for a week and I don't put everybody's outfits out for when I'm away.

Unguent · 08/03/2019 10:27

DH wouldn't always WANT to but certainly would and is happy to give me a break if i need one.

So he's doing you a favour if you need it, but doesn't actually see his role as involving time spent parenting his children solo as a regular thing? Hmm

Igneococcus · 08/03/2019 10:30

I came home from work yesterday evening with a migraine, went straight to bed, emerged this morning feeling fine. Somehow during this time dp managed to feed the children, get them to go to bed and be quiet enough not to disturb me. I think they went for a walk as well. He didn''t need asking or any input on how to look after his own children.

piscis · 08/03/2019 10:31

Of course, for an hour and for the whole day as well. That's ridiculous!

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 08/03/2019 10:31

So, do people tell you that your dhs are awesome because they look after their kids by themselves? I used to get the world and his aunt telling me what an amazing dad dh was, because they’d seen him out with the kids. I asked him once, if anyone ever told him I was awesome for looking after his kids for him, all by myself for actual hours at a time, and he said no, no one ever said that Grin.

Paperdoll1 · 08/03/2019 10:36

Yes 7amandtiredalready - that IS the weirdest, sexist bullshit ever. Couldn't agree with you more. Hope you get better soon.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 08/03/2019 10:38

So, do people tell you that your dhs are awesome because they look after their kids by themselves? I used to get the world and his aunt telling me what an amazing dad dh was, because they’d seen him out with the kids.

I've found people are REALLY weird about us doing shared parental leave and so DH taking over as primary carer. We did indeed get a lot of 'gosh he's amazing' but also a lot of women (women on mat leave, who know how hard it is!) basically implying that he's having an easy life... A lot of 'gosh, I wouldn't give up MY leave!', and more than a few implied suggestions that I'm a deficient/weird/heartless mother for leaving DS all day. People are weird, basically!

LovingLola · 08/03/2019 10:39

There are plenty of people on MN who have been on their knees with illness and exhaustion and have to beg their partners to help. Even then they are refused help

Amfeelingfline · 08/03/2019 10:40

Yep, quite often as it is, and I don’t have to be I’ll either, they are his kids too...

ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser · 08/03/2019 10:42

My Papa (Mums Dad) used to take me and my brothers out to give my Mum a rest when she was ill with pneumonia. He was born in 1918! He would have been 100 this year! My own Dad frequently did the same! My dh is always taking our dc out too, whether I need him to or not!

Hadalifeonce · 08/03/2019 10:43

DH has looked after ours (when younger) for days when I was hopeless with PND. He has bathed me, washed my hair, put me to bed whilst waiting for dinner (that he had prepared) was cooking.

So men can and do.

IceIceCoffee · 08/03/2019 10:45

Mine does

Poppins2016 · 08/03/2019 10:49

My DH will look after our BF 5 month old for hours at the weekend (usually while I'm doing DIY or gardening, aka 'having a break')!

Theimpossiblegirl · 08/03/2019 10:51

My children have 2 parents. We both work and we both parent. I always thought we were about 70/30 in terms of parenting and house work as I work fewer hours and nearer home so did the bulk.
When I was really ill a few years ago dh had to do everything. He did it, but it was a real eye opener for us both as we both realised how much I did. Things are more balanced now. We could both manage without the other but it would be exhausting and the house wouldn't be as nice.

JacquesHammer · 08/03/2019 10:52

Ex-DH would and has in the time we've been separated (including helping to look after me too).

It is the norm for me, my dad was very hands on with child rearing.

frazzledasarock · 08/03/2019 10:57

Recently been very ill, D&V followed by a cold which turned into a sinus infection followed by tonsillitis.

Each episode lasted roughly a week, DP not only took care of our toddler and newborn he also took care of my older two DC, cooked, cleaned, supervised chores and ran older dc to their extra curricular activities in between nursing me and ensuring I was eating and drinking properly. And keeping kids away from me to let me rest as much as possible.

Why wouldn’t he? I do the same for him.

I wouldn’t be with a man who was incapable of taking care of is own household.

CallMeRachel · 08/03/2019 10:58

Of course men should and most would help.

I think your Mum has done a classic diversion tactic on you, she was not wanting to help.

She's basically saying you've made your bed, you lie in it.

Theimpossiblegirl · 08/03/2019 11:04

I agree your mum is using that as an excuse to not help you. have you got any friends that could give you a hand? I know that if a friend of mine messaged and said they were unwell and struggling I'd come and do something- cook, run the hoover around, look after the kids for a bit.

HavelockVetinari · 08/03/2019 11:05

Your mum is bonkers, and she can't even claim it's a generational thing - as we speak my dad (DS's Grandpa) is en route to collect him from nursery and look after him this afternoon because he's poorly and DH and I are snowed under at work.

DH takes DS out for breakfast and to do the weekly shop every Saturday morning so I can have a lie in, I get up early and take him to Mass on a Sunday then to the park so DH can lie in.

It's not just your Mum though, OP. I am shocked sometimes at how crap some Mumsnetters' OHs are - refusing to stay home from work to look after them when they're stricken with D&V etc. I'm also shocked at some of the responses to those threads, basically telling the OP to 'woman up' and get on with her 'job' of looking after the DC (which is bonkers - if it were any other job you could take a sick day!), and not to disturb her OH's busy and important man-day. Hmm

CouldntThink · 08/03/2019 11:09

Of course. He has the DC for entire weekends when I’m at work, because you know, he’s their parent too. We’re a team.

Myusernameismud · 08/03/2019 11:10

I was in hospital for a week last year, and DH took care of DD11 and DS9 all on his own the whole time, and they're not even his biological children. He'd only ever had them alone during the day before, I've never left them both overnight with him, and definitely not on a school night where he'd have to do morning routine/school runs, but he stepped up and managed it all. It was a bit of a baptism of fire, but by the 3rd night he answered the phone with 'yes, uniforms all ready, lunches all made and kiddos are ready for bed, stop worrying!'

So yes, your mother is living in the dark ages. Can she not help you out while you're poorly?!