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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would your DH take his own kids for an hour if you were ill?

140 replies

7amandtiredalready · 08/03/2019 08:29

As it says in the title. Not a gripe with my DH (I don't have a DH) but with my mother.

I'm taking antibiotics for a chest infection and I've also done something horribly painful to my neck, arm and back because I've been coughing so hard. The GP told me to try to have a lie-down for an hour or so at the weekend when I'm not working. I was having a very mild moan to my mother on the phone about not being able to do that because I'm a single mum and don't have a DH/ DP to look after DC for an hour (for the avoidance of doubt, I was NOT angling for her to help out and there was no question of that).

Her response was that, even if I had a DH, I still wouldn't be able to have a break because a man wouldn't / couldn't be expected to look after his own kids for an hour even if his wife was ill. I'm not going nuts - that's weird sexist bullshit, isn't it? I lurk on Mumsnet so I know there are some awful lazy dads out there, but surely the number of men willing to supervise their own children for an hour is > 0, right?

OP posts:
Glowerglass · 08/03/2019 08:40

Yes, of course he would. Only when DC were tiny and only wanted me would it have been the slightest problem. (under 6 months)

katmarie · 08/03/2019 08:41

My Dh is literally doing that right now because I have a chest infection. He got up, got ds ready, fed him and is now doing the nursery run. My only job this morning was to ring the doctors apparently. A parent is a parent, and if there are two of you, it should be a team effort.

Original poster
7amandtiredalready · 08/03/2019 08:42

Thanks, everyone. Looks like that's unanimous! Just desperately needed a MN sanity check.

OP posts:
ShadowsInTheDarkness · 08/03/2019 08:43

DH looks after both DC without being asked if I'm ill or feeling a bit rubbish. He has them when I have a work day fall in the school hols and if I'm looking a bit stressed come bedtime he will make me a cuppa and take over bedtime. DCs both have SEN and eldest can be fairly challenging. He is their stepdad.

WilsonandNoodles · 08/03/2019 08:43

Of course he would, equally if my husband wasn't available my dad, brother or brother in law would offer. As my dad, and grandad also did when I was a child.

corythatwas · 08/03/2019 08:45

Your diagnosis is correct: that is indeed weird sexist bullshit.

My grandfather was born in the 1890s and was quite capable of taking his own children out, not only if their mother was ill, but also on a regular basis, just because he was their father.

Ditto my FIL, born in 1909, who was once stopped by a police officer in London wheeling a pram in the middle of the night. "Little bugger won't sleep", whimpered my FIL-to-be and the officer nodded sympathetically.

My own father, born in 1932, was a champion nappy-changer and general … well, I suppose you'd call it a parent. When my brother needed some 1-1 time as a toddler, our mother took the rest of us off to visit a family friend while our dad stayed with him and bonded for a few days. He often took us out for the days, he fed us and bathed us and did everything a parent does.

Dh has always been an equal parent.

PetuliaBlavatsky · 08/03/2019 08:45

Of course. My DH would take the kids out on his own most weekends anyway because they're his kids and he loves them. Sometimes we all go out, sometimes I go somewhere with one and he goes elsewhere with another, sometimes he takes them all and I stay home.

londonrach · 08/03/2019 08:48

Yes and has done. In fact i dont know of any of my friends whos dh havent taken them. Also my dad used to take my sister and i out for day if mum had ro do something.

sometimesalways · 08/03/2019 08:49

Absolutely he would and should. In fact DH is out with DS right now and I am not even ill. I just had to finish some stuff around the house.

ImNotTheDramaLlamaHere · 08/03/2019 08:51

😂 My DH strapped the baby on his chest and took our DS out on his Scooter last night. They were gone at least an hour. He's more than capable of looking after them for longer but baby is exclusively breast fed atm.
One of the things I love about him is how good he is with the kids, especially DS.

Deadbudgie · 08/03/2019 08:52

Oh course, what weird sad parallel universe is your mum inhabiting where that wouldn’t happen. There isn’t even a need to be ill.

Any decent dad would be spending time with his child anyway and that includes one on one time.

It never ceases to amaze me the shit some women allow their DH to get away with. There’s a thread running on here about a mum having to sort out all her kids stuff for school the next day as DH claims he can’t do it. He’s just a lazy fuck who needs to grow up and get a grip. No wife should enable the laziness of a man!

I suggest for your mums sake she needs to alter her expectations of men!

HoppingPavlova · 08/03/2019 08:52

Yes, mine would HOWEVER from when they were old enough to clue on they would still come to me if I was ill, asleep etc. They figured it was a better bet than generally clueless dad. Used to piss me off and DH would come yell at them ‘your mother is sick/sleeping, why would you disturb her’. They learnt when they were older teenagers. Rather than politely tell them ‘go ask your father to assist’ I would utter two very strong words insteadGrin.

BloggersNet · 08/03/2019 08:55

Dh is SAHP 4 days a week so yes he would and does. I think I do too.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 08/03/2019 08:56

Of course he would. When DS was tiny, he used to take him for a morning every weekend just so I could rest, if I was ill he'd be 'in charge' for the whole weekend, no questions asked.

To be fair, my own mum thought that made him Christ the saviour and Captain Oates combined, so I guess your's isn't alone in her thought patterns...

Theonewiththecat · 08/03/2019 08:58

When I went back to work after dd was born I worked every weekend 9am-6pm and DH managed to keep dd fed, watered and entertained.
Now she's 9, and I work every other weekend and I'm not sure who looks after who tbh.
I've had this horrible cough/ chest infection for about a week, so I've been coming in from work and crawling into bed, so DH has made him and dd something to eat, put her to bed, looked after me.
Reading about some men I am really thankful that DH is easy going and happy to help me.

YouTheCat · 08/03/2019 08:59

My ex and his mother subscribed to this kind of bullshit. I once had proper flu (delirious, high temp, unable to do anything much, pain killers effective for no more than a hour at a time). It was the holidays and my twins (one severely disabled) were 7. He did nothing at all to help and carried on with his daily visits to the pub, expecting me to do everything I would usually do.

Op, your mother needs reeducating.

MariaNovella · 08/03/2019 09:01

It’s a generation thing. My DH has always been able to look after his DC on his own. My father wasn’t good at it!

butteryellow · 08/03/2019 09:01

My DP is as lazy as he can get away with, but yes - if I'm ill or tired, or just need a break I disappear upstairs at the weekend for a nap, and leave him to the kids. I went away for a couple of days to meet up with friends and didn't give it a second thought. And we split lie-ins at the weekend too.

They're his kids of course he can bloody look after them.

When he's been away and I got ill (generally caught from one of them.. who are now bouncy and well again) - I lay down on the settee, snuggled in my blanket, and just said 'yes' to anything they wanted - movie with popcorn, sweets, I put drinks down low so they can get to them etc.

Only works if they're old enough for that though.

netflixoriginal · 08/03/2019 09:01

Of course. He'd be ushering me into bed and taking them out without being asked. He's perfectly capable of all the entertaining, feeding and bathing!

Sorry you're sick op. Thanks

SockQueen · 08/03/2019 09:03

Absolutely, now (DS is 2.5) he will look after him for entire days while I'm working over a weekend etc. He struggled more when DS was under 1, as he was an EBF bottle-refuser and they had a couple of bad experiences early on.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 08/03/2019 09:03

My DC are not my DP biological children and he would and has regularly absolutely taken them when I am unwell ,or tired or want to do something else

Your mum is on a different planet

Efferlunt · 08/03/2019 09:04

Yes absolutely he would and has done for whole days when I’m laid up with a bug. Or just takes them out to the park for an hour just so I can get some peace.

In the other hand both DMIL and DM break out in the hallelujah chorus if he ever so much as changes a nappy and DMIL is always going on about how clueless and incompetent DFIL is around babies when he’s perfectly capable from what I can see, so it clearly isn’t just your mum who thinks like this.

I’m sorry you don’t have the support you need but hope you get better soon.

WinterHeatWave · 08/03/2019 09:06

Yep. And has this week - we've been tag teaming it. One sleeping in bed, other dealing with kids.
He also has looked after them both for (gasp) a three day weekend while I went away with the girls, and years ago, had 2 weeks doing all nursery runs, and after work stuff, along with the weekend in the middle while I was away with work.
He is as capable as me (even if I disagree with some of the methods used occasionally, the kids are safe and cared for)

PeapodBurgundy · 08/03/2019 09:11

OH would if I asked, but he would literally watch them. He wouldn't think to see to nappies, drinks, food etc unless I specifically told him to and what to feed them/give them to drink. I hurt my back a few weeks ago digging up a tree stump. It went into a complete spasm overnight, so I physically couldn't get out of bed when I first woke up. I asked him to get up with the DC while I sorted myself out. He's been downstairs for about 50 mins by the time I got down (via a hot shower to try and ease the muscle tension). They were still in their overnight nappies and PJs. He hadn't so much got a drink for the toddler, much less breakfast for him (the baby wasn't on solids yet). He literally got up with them and that's it.
He helps when I ask him to with no quibbles, but will do what I ask and no more; the thought to do more doesn't occur. Irritating, but better than some women are dealing with.

HennyPennyHorror · 08/03/2019 09:12

How old are your DC OP? I remember penning mine into the sitting room with me, whilst I lay on the sofa post c section.

Mine was 3 at the time. I penned her in, had a lot of snacks around for her and the tv. I just let her make a hideous mess whilst I lay there.