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Original poster

Would your DH take his own kids for an hour if you were ill?

140 replies

7amandtiredalready · 08/03/2019 08:29

As it says in the title. Not a gripe with my DH (I don't have a DH) but with my mother.

I'm taking antibiotics for a chest infection and I've also done something horribly painful to my neck, arm and back because I've been coughing so hard. The GP told me to try to have a lie-down for an hour or so at the weekend when I'm not working. I was having a very mild moan to my mother on the phone about not being able to do that because I'm a single mum and don't have a DH/ DP to look after DC for an hour (for the avoidance of doubt, I was NOT angling for her to help out and there was no question of that).

Her response was that, even if I had a DH, I still wouldn't be able to have a break because a man wouldn't / couldn't be expected to look after his own kids for an hour even if his wife was ill. I'm not going nuts - that's weird sexist bullshit, isn't it? I lurk on Mumsnet so I know there are some awful lazy dads out there, but surely the number of men willing to supervise their own children for an hour is > 0, right?

OP posts:
Original poster
7amandtiredalready · 08/03/2019 09:41

twobambinos - old enough to distract with Paw Patrol for a bit, luckily!

Jcsp - my father worked long hours when I was little, which is probably part of it. My mum does just have terrible taste in men (and terrible low expectations) though. I don't think I've seen her current DP wash up once in 12 years and he "can't" even make toast for himself.

Birdsgottafly - she does have a history of being very dismissive, I'm afraid. I've mostly evolved a tactic of never telling her when I'm feeling vulnerable because she'll say anything/ attack on any front to avoid giving sympathy. I was just feeling a bit weak and didn't stick to my own boundaries this time.

Thanks again to everyone! I have to go now so sorry to anyone I haven't answered directly. You've been incredibly helpful.

OP posts:
Adikbfeayujvxeuhr · 08/03/2019 09:41

Of course. This is 2019 not 1819. Also I don't have to be ill for DH to do parenting - he does 50% of what's needed all the time anyway so we get equal amounts of child-free non-work time. If I am ill then his share goes up to 100% unless I can cope with some if it. Likewise if he's ill I take over. Partnership of equals.

I know it must be shitty sometimes as a single parent. Sorry that your mum isn't sympathetic either.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 08/03/2019 09:41

It’s nonsense. My kids are mostly grown up now. DH has been perfectly capable of looking after them at any time since they were born (minus the breastfeeding).

At least twice a year he’s had all four of them for the weekend while I’ve gone away with my girlfriends.

thedisorganisedmum · 08/03/2019 09:42

She is completely nuts, my DH doesn't even need for me to be ill to take his own kid at the weekend! I have news for your mum, some dads actually love their children and love spending time with them. It's not a chore, they wanted the kids as much as the mum did.

drspouse · 08/03/2019 09:43

he "can't" even make toast for himself.

My 7 year old can make toast, and has been doing it since he was 4. Which reminds me, it's time to teach the 4yo.

LegitimateShite · 08/03/2019 09:44

My partner isn’t my children’s biological dad, but he absolutely does childcare stuff with them if I’m ill, or just busy! I know for a fact that the children’s bio Dad does the same in his house, and used to when we were together too...because it’s not the 1950s. And it definitely doesn’t need me to be poorly before a man can do stuff with children; they’re equally capable. (Actually, my partner is probably better at it than I am, come to think of it...)

BarbarianMum · 08/03/2019 09:49

Of course. My own df was hardly a model father (or husband) but even he managed to have us for the odd day if my mum was ill.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/03/2019 09:50

I'd have had to wrestle them back off XH.

ASundayWellSpent · 08/03/2019 09:50

Yes he would, and took our children out for two hours every afternoon whilst I was feeling rough and exhausted at the end of 1st Trimester. "Mummy's tired she's going to have a sleep, where do you want to go and play together?" Its not hard.

GU24Mum · 08/03/2019 09:54

I thought my own mother (born in the 1930s....) had some old-fashioned ideas at times but my father was perfectly competent at looking aft

OP, I really hope your MIL has not passed any of her ideas to your husband!!

GU24Mum · 08/03/2019 09:55

....... I managed to delete half of my message

My own father was quite capable and willing to look after us when my mother was ill - and in fact at various other times too. Very odd statement by your MIL.

NotTheFordType · 08/03/2019 09:56

My sister and I were born in the 70s. When my mum was ill, my dad took us to our Grandparents.

I would assume your mum is operating under a similar mindset, but it's a shame she hasn't recognised that men today have significantly improved over the last 40 years.

TheSerenDipitY · 08/03/2019 09:56

weird attitude
my husband, when he is not working, does almost all the parenting... he works long hours so im it, school runs and household chores, mum jobs etc, but when he gets his days off hes all hands in, he takes our son out, will head off in an afternoon for a camping trip in the back paddock , night out to speedway, some shopping for "man" things, i get to hang out at home ( or fuck off somewhere on my own if i want) and chill, and they have tons of father son fun... hes been like this since his first seconds of being a dad, he loves being a dad and hates to miss a moment of it, tomorrow night they are going to the city to watch a rugby game, and during the day they will work on their project car, the mini, that they are rebuilding together... so tell your mum shes wrong, man can and do parent, they just got to want to

LisaSimpsonsbff · 08/03/2019 09:58

We're doing shared parental leave so DH is currently at home all day with DS... And at the moment I'm at home too because I'm recovering from surgery. Shockingly, everyone is coping fine even though I also can't do much in the evening either so DH is on baby-duty 24 hours a day. Because DH is an adult.

NotTheFordType · 08/03/2019 10:00

I don't think I've seen her current DP wash up once in 12 years and he "can't" even make toast for himself.

My dad once told me that if asked to do something in the household, e.g. making tea, ironing, vacuuming, cooking, I should make such a bodge job of it that I would never be asked again.

It made me realise that with a lot of these man-children, it's not learned helplessness, it's totally deliberate.

BlueJava · 08/03/2019 10:02

Your mum sounds like she is stuck the 1950's (not wanting to be unkind there but it's true!) My OH looked after our twin boys from 4 months old by himself all day whilst I went back to work. He did that until they were 5 years old and went to school. He enjoyed it and so did they!

SolemnlySwear2010 · 08/03/2019 10:04

My DH takes our DD away for full days if I need to rest. She loves it as he spoils her rotten Grin, I do tell him how much I appreciate it and if he is ever ill then I would do the same for him.

whywhywhy6 · 08/03/2019 10:07

Yes, he would. Definitely.

JaffacakesAreCakesNotBiscuits · 08/03/2019 10:09

Yes, also if I just wanted me time, even to do some housework, I'd just say right you take dd out for a bit and I'll do xyz. He often does and even if I just say a couple of hours. He makes a day of it

mindutopia · 08/03/2019 10:10

Uh, yes. Mine takes them for all sorts of reasons. For 14 hours at a time while I'm at work. For a whole weekend while I go away on a jolly. In a few weeks, he'll have them for an afternoon so I can have a spa appointment which was a birthday present from last year I never got around to using. But, of course, when one of us is sick, the other takes on pretty much the full load, excepting when we have work commitments. You aren't the babysitter. You're co-parents.

Hobbz · 08/03/2019 10:13

Yes, DH definitely would and did and does - even though he wasn't the most 'hands on' Dad when the DC were little.

My own father managed to look after me, cook, clean and hold down a FT job for years on end when my mum died (I was four) and that was the seventies. When he remarried several years later he seemed to lose all of those skills apart from the last one though.

I suspect your mum was, clumsily, trying to make you feel better.

GeorgeTheBleeder · 08/03/2019 10:13

Hravens! My not even English father - born in the 1920s - looked after us at home and took us out regularly, even when my mother was hale and hearty. Shock Posdibly because he actually liked us ...

MRex · 08/03/2019 10:13

Your mum sounds bonkers. My dad isn't safe to be left cooking due to previous disasters, but he could manage to make us sandwiches or take us out to look after us. He used to have us every Saturday when mum was at work anyway, and he was born in the 1940s.

I don't think I could have any respect for a man who couldn't or wouldn't look after his own child for the day.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/03/2019 10:15

When I had the flu, my DH had complete control of our 16month old DD at the time for 2/3 days before I resurfaced.

Omzlas · 08/03/2019 10:16

I had hand surgery a few weeks ago and DH took over everything for 3 days. Even told me off for going in the kitchen to see if I could help

He's normally pretty useless when it comes to day to day stuff and doesn't take subtle hints but if I'm poorly, he steps up where he can.

Your mum has her head in 1960, ignore her