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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would your DH take his own kids for an hour if you were ill?

140 replies

7amandtiredalready · 08/03/2019 08:29

As it says in the title. Not a gripe with my DH (I don't have a DH) but with my mother.

I'm taking antibiotics for a chest infection and I've also done something horribly painful to my neck, arm and back because I've been coughing so hard. The GP told me to try to have a lie-down for an hour or so at the weekend when I'm not working. I was having a very mild moan to my mother on the phone about not being able to do that because I'm a single mum and don't have a DH/ DP to look after DC for an hour (for the avoidance of doubt, I was NOT angling for her to help out and there was no question of that).

Her response was that, even if I had a DH, I still wouldn't be able to have a break because a man wouldn't / couldn't be expected to look after his own kids for an hour even if his wife was ill. I'm not going nuts - that's weird sexist bullshit, isn't it? I lurk on Mumsnet so I know there are some awful lazy dads out there, but surely the number of men willing to supervise their own children for an hour is > 0, right?

OP posts:
Fishwifecalling · 08/03/2019 09:13

It is very evident from MN that some women have very low expectations of men. I guess it's what you are prepared to put up with combined with how much a dp wants to be partner rather than another child.

I'd not have been seen for dust if I thought my DH would not step up.

FinallyHere · 08/03/2019 09:14

weird sexist bullshit

Yes it is, I'm glad to say

Even my parents (married in '50s I was born in 60's) who had very traditional roles , I remember my father looking after us when my mother was ill

He always let us have two chocolate biscuits

#notforgottdn

SoyDora · 08/03/2019 09:15

I was ill with a stomach bug last weekend. DH took my 5 year old, 3 year old and 7 week old out all day Saturday and Sunday on his own.

ALemonyPea · 08/03/2019 09:15

Of course DH would. I've just had a major op, and he's working FT then coming home to do housework/cook etc.

Your mum's opinion is very outdated, maybe her expectations were low when she had young children.

Hope you're feeling better soon Op.

Jenb2104 · 08/03/2019 09:17

Of course! My DH has had DS for full days when I've needed him to. He's more than capable. I don't even have to ask, we're a team.

Springwalk · 08/03/2019 09:19

Of course he would look after his children!
Seriously.
Is there any medical reason or otherwise why your mother can’t help for an hour? It’s not much to ask op.

Love51 · 08/03/2019 09:21

I'm not sure it is a generational thing. My mum says her dad used to take her and siblings out for a walk up a big hill every weekend and they would meet his brother doing the same with his kids, to get them out of their mums' hair. Not sure if the mums were resting or doing jobs, but it was regular, not just when poorly. Grandad could also do girls school hair, as can my husband. Don't think my dad can, but I can't see the need arising now,!

ImaginaryCat · 08/03/2019 09:22

My DP has, on more than one occasion, taken the DCs out for a whole day to allow me to recover, when the only thing wrong with me was an entirely self inflicted hangover. He's a good'un!

Birdsgottafly · 08/03/2019 09:23

I think that your Mum, in a clumsy way was trying to tell you to not 'wallow' in your Single Mum status.

I say that as someone who was Widowed with three children.

It's easy to feel down and let it get you down, but what she was trying to say is that having a Partner doesn't always make life easier.

It's a backhanded way of saying "you're stronger than you think", which most Women are.

Unless there's history there and she is dismive of your problems.

C1u4toff · 08/03/2019 09:25

Your mum is wrong and is sexist. My example
I live in NI I am currently in a London hospital getting major hip surgery. Have to fly back tomorrow after a week. My DH has flown back and forth looked after me looked after our 2 ds at home and done everything that has been required. He has taken hols from work and answers my texts and calls anytime. On the days he has been here my mum and dad have Stayed at mine and sorted my boys for school and clubs etc. I'm from a family where we will bend over backwards to help each other and my husband doesn't babysit his kids he looks after them as they are half his! I hope you feel better soon and wish your mum would offer to help you

Jcsp · 08/03/2019 09:26

I would and have.

How much did your Dad do? Is this colouring your Mum’s views?

My Dad didn’t do a lot - claimed to be busy with work - even though my Mum worked FT. He was always/usually there but not much hands on stuff.

Looking back she just accepted it. It’s quietly coloured her views as she drops comments about me helping my, now adult, children.

Hope you feel better soon.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/03/2019 09:26

Um, normal dads don't require their partner to be ill before they spend time alone with their dc.

Weekend children's swimming lessons (pre-schoolers, parents in the water with them) would blow your mum's mind.

Deathraystare · 08/03/2019 09:26

Even my dad would have managed that occasionally. In fact he made our tea while Mum was upstairs having my baby bro. This was in the 60's. He made toast and jam and I thought he was wonderful for doing that! How clever! I told mum who was subtly less than effusive herself!

Mind you if there was sick or poo involved, you would not have seen my dad for dust!

Autumnbloom · 08/03/2019 09:29

My husband has managed the kids all week and fitted in his full time job around it all as I have been struggling with piriformis syndrome. The two days he couldn't juggle around, my mum and stepdad came to help (showed up without prompting). I am very grateful to them all, but that's what family and nearest should do isn't it? I know not everyone has that support network though, so I do consider myself fortunate.

TriciaH87 · 08/03/2019 09:32

My partner is picking our boys up from school today at 3.15 and i will not get in from work until at least 5.30. He will be looking after his own children for over 2 hours. He even looks after them all day when i do a 12 hour shift. Admittedly the house looks like a bomb went off when that happens but he does it. Their his kids too. Has even took them out on his own to the rugby giving me a break in the past. So yes i think your mums views are very old fashioned. You will find someone who will muck in including with your dc. My eldest was 2 when met my partner and he has stepped up far more than his father ever did.

twobambinos · 08/03/2019 09:32

Yes my dh would and for more than an hour an actual chance to recover.
I'm sorry you don't have anyone op. Could u make the weekend as easy for yourself as possible maybe stick on a movie for the kids and chill on the couch? Sorry haven't rtft so don't know what age they are.

Skyejuly · 08/03/2019 09:32

My DH takes over for an entire day if needed and I have 4 kids.

CostanzaG · 08/03/2019 09:33

Of course it’s sexist bullshit. My DH does at least 50%of the childcare anyway and we both give each other a break regularly- we dint have to be ill!

Potplant · 08/03/2019 09:34

Mine wouldn't have.

One of the many reasons he's an ex.

Mintypea5 · 08/03/2019 09:34

My DH gets really annoyed when people are is he looking after or babysitting his own kids! He’s their parent as equal as I am ... he’s parenting them

drspouse · 08/03/2019 09:37

Of course he bloody would.
When DD was a baby and I had a chest infection DH took a "dependents' emergency leave day" because his childcare (me) had fallen through (was lying in bed coughing her lungs up). Generally though if it wasn't that bad he'd WFH if I was really ill and then he'd do school (or in earlier days nursery) run even if I was supposed to be off that day.

I'm away for work from tomorrow to Friday morning and he's in charge.

He asked me if I'd cooked meals and left them in the freezer and I felt his forehead to see if he was coming down with something; "oh I think that's my other wife I was thinking of" says DH*

He doesn't do baking though so I kindly made two batches of flapjack last night.

*NB for hard of humour THAT WAS ALL A JOKE by both of us.

Unguent · 08/03/2019 09:38

normal dads don't require their partner to be ill before they spend time alone with their dc

And it's not generational. My grandfather brought up his two sons alone, when their mother died, and my father, who, like many manual workers in our part of the world, spent much of the 80s unemployed or out on strike, was fully hands-on in terms of cooking, bathing, hairbrushing, homework etc.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 08/03/2019 09:40

Your mother needs to improve her choice of man.

My DH was a far better hands on parent than I ever was.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 08/03/2019 09:40

Yes. Even if not ill.
He looks after his kids because they're his kids.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 08/03/2019 09:40

My DH has the kids for more than hour whether I am ill or not, just so I can have a lie in or a bath or generally some time to myself. We share the parenting and we also enjoy family time together. It seems very normal amongst my friendship group.