Gossip that has gone very wrong

[ChorltonCreamery]

One of my children is in an 'organisation' think church group, Scouts etc They are in a friendship group of about six or eight and the mothers are friendly enough, if some of them don't know each other they will have mutual friends etc.
One of the women 'A' is a real character, very funny and charismatic with very talented and charming children. When one of her children came to my child's birthday party I thought that her grandfather had brought her...it was their father. A is married to a man old enough to be her father. He has grandchildren who are older than his children with A.
At the weekend the mothers went out together for the first time but 'A' couldn't come. The conversation turned to 'A' and the relationship that she had with this man. At no point was it 'nasty' as such but comments were made about the age gap etc. One parent admitted that the family had not been invited to a gathering at a school friend's house because the husband had found it weird to have to talk to someone old enough to be his dad.
Well last night in front of some of the children 'A' confronted us! She had been briefed (I think by a woman at the next table to us who had lingered after her bill came). She completely demolished us intellectually, asking what had she done to provoke such a reaction and picked on us individually. Unforgivably she then asked a teenager whether her mother had brought her up to behave so despicably a manner and whether she thought it was appropriate to gossip behind people's backs. One of the group disappeared round a corner and was sick.
It was utterly hideous. I know I am guilty of joining in. I don't know what to do. One of the other children has told my child what happened. Only one of the group has responded to my text saying that she thinks that 'the circle' is at an end and the other person that she has spoken to has spent the morning in bed with a migraine.
I know I am to blame for joining in but I didn't initiate the gossip, but how would you react now. What is the way forward?

That would have been a long labour ;)

Ugh I hate it when the ones in the wrong try to play victim. Nothing worse. You and your friends were nasty little bitches, at least own up to it

Ugh. Can’t bear women like you and your friends OP. Being sick and migraines? FFS.

Wondering about their relationship is no better than wondering about a gay relationship, or a relationship between a black man and a white woman, or a slim woman and an obese man. Just because A and her husband don't fit your group's "norm", you think you have the right to gossip and speculate?

Very well put! Some people cannot get their heads around the fact that we are not all the same.

My DH and I are of different backgrounds. We look different to what is expected, if you see what I mean. The occasional person is surprised by this and mentions it to one of us afterwards: 'Oh, I didn't realise your wife was XYZ.' We find ourselves able not to freak out about this!

Bit different when they are saying it to you, and not behind you back, though. My ex partner wasn't the same ethnicity as me.

The situation you mentioned, wouldn't have phased me, either. But if I had heard 'friends' gossipping and ostracizing because of it; it'd have been a completely different ball game.

I would send a card and apologize, I wouldn't expect any contact in return. You may not have said anything unkind, but often with second hand gossip it's taken out of context, the person repeating it may have twisted what was actually said and may have only heard part of what was said, so what A heard may not have been accurate. I don't know if I would bother with the group again, it may have been one of them that repeated what was said. Find another organisation, learn from your mistake, life goes on.

This makes me angry and sad. Pathetic behaviour displayed by you and your friends. It must have been huge for A to confront you all. Can you imagine how isolated and up against it she must have felt.

Hideous behaviour. Apologise yes - but only if you truly mean it and think twice about displaying or participating in toxic behaviour in the future.

I think you and your friends should be digging deep on this one.

Its a bit chavvy, is what I had in my mind reading this epic - "oi, you been talking about me? You been chatting shit? Why you been saying about me?"

I don't think A was marvellous. Although it depends how she actually demolished them I suppose.

Also you need to tell your kids what happened, or they will hear another twisted version.

Quite a few people saying this is why they avoid groups of women, or friendship groups.

Putting the misogyny and anti-socialness aside .. talk about throwing the baby out with the bath water.

I bet a pound to a penny that everyone who is slating the op has at some point in their lives talked about someone behind their backs. The only difference is they weren't overheard.
All the op can do is apologise - but not sure a text was the best way forward. I'd call round with flowers and try to talk to her.

SparkiePolastri, How so? Why is it misogynistic to choose not to put yourself in the firing line of a group that is likely to make you miserable? If the act of distancing oneself is misogynistic, what does that say about the actions of the OP's group? Is there a useful catchy term for that behaviour then?

For some of us, groups of women/friendship groups don't hold the value that they do for others. Different strokes and all that. I'm not missing out - and neither are they. Everybody happy.

The issue is that the woman is being singled out and ostracised because of her family and likely she has felt judged in the waiting area/playground etc because of her non-stereotypical family set up.

Would that group of women do the same if it were a same sex couple, mixed race, disabled?

That said, the person reporting back was no better.

And I think there have been some ott reactions from grown adults. Being sick and crying off with a headache are reactions i would expect from children who have been caught doing something massively wrong.

Of course everyone gossips behind a persons back. It's the nature of people to comment and judge. But a sign of their character is what they do when they are called out on it.

Apologise, ask questions (provided you then aren't going back with 'you'll never guess...'. Fine! Natural behaviour when confronted with wrong doing and something we don't understand.

But reacting so physically isn't something I would expect.

The only thing which I can see A has done 'wrong' is to have done this in front of the children. Although given the gossips have likely discussed the matter in front of or with their own children - one child has reported to another and this isn't likely to be the first time - I suspect she may have been brewing over it for some time and just exploded.

Because the vast majority of friendship groups function perfectly healthily, and are rich, rewarding experiences.

I'm glad not having a friendship group works so well for you. I'm sorry for those that have been unlucky enough to have had such a negative experience that they've opted out.

As someone married to a wonderful and loving older man with kids I felt sick on behalf of A.
I think that it will depend on how much she values your friendship in the light of your gossip as to whether this can be repaired at all.
Apologise, in person if you can and sincerely. That way you will at least know you did all you can to make amends.

I’m trying to work out if MariaNovella was the one who got the migraine or the one who threw up round the corner.

One parent admitted that the family had not been invited to a gathering at a school friend's house because the husband had found it weird to have to talk to someone old enough to be his dad.

Wow. Just wow.

I would think long and hard about the people who choose to be friends with, and what that says about you.

And you should apologise. Abjectly. Not that I think this woman will ever speak to you again - and rightly so - but it's the least you can do.

She’s funny, charismatic and able to castigate people into throwing up?

Point her in the direction of Mumsnet - she sounds awesome!! 😲😁

Looks like she gave you all the smackdown you deserved and for the most part in a very reasonable way, you describe her as a lovely person with lovely children, so clearly when she is around you all act friendly and really like her but behind her back she now knows how you all have no problem bagging her out

• someone actually admitted to leaving her out because of the age of her partner - SMH! What a terrible thing to do and to tell everyone is even worse as it shows that the person isn't even ashamed of her actions.

You should all give her a big apology and a bunch of flowers.

I still can't get over the guy in the initial post who didn't invite the couple because he couldn't get over talking to someone his dad's age. What a sheltered life he must have had to never talk to any one older than he

Don't think much of the eavesdropper mate. Why didn't she chip in at the time? I'd just forget about it and move on. You've apologised. Not sure why this woman would pick on a child in the discussion either.

Your friend/ex friend must be very charismatic if she can reduce grown women to vomiting and migraines

I don't know if she is that wonderful though - picking on a teenager to get back at her mother for gossiping seems more spiteful than gossiping. As his gdc's are older than his dc's with her it is a large gap, and in reality most people would comment on it.

Apologise ASAP. I saw a conversation written about me. I confronted the 2 people involved. They never apologised. We have never spoken since because they didn't. If they had, we'd be friends again.

"It is highly unusual in this group to have this much of an age gap"

SO WHAT THOU? Have you not heard of diversity and inclusion?????

So agree with everyone you should apologise to A profusely.

but I also hope you apologise to your child and her children. You should be telling your child how this is a lesson in how not to behave and how you can sit and join in mindless bitching or you can walk away from it and be the better person - and you made wrong choice.

this group - who you say was first time on a night out - are not friends. Youve become friendly through your children and when in social setting with wine it’s clear that bitching has been allowed to take place with NO ONE challenging but you all joining in a herd mentality. That’s pitiful and I’m shocked no one said this isn’t ok or walked.

Woman A you actually describe as being a lovely woman and yet you bitch and denigrate her purely because she has fallen in love and has a relationship with someone who is older than her.
No wonder she tongue lashed you. She sounds awesome.

Happy international women’s day. A day when we celebrate being women and being equal with men in society and in the economy.

A day when we should remember to lift all women up not drag them down.