Gossip that has gone very wrong

[ChorltonCreamery]

One of my children is in an 'organisation' think church group, Scouts etc They are in a friendship group of about six or eight and the mothers are friendly enough, if some of them don't know each other they will have mutual friends etc.
One of the women 'A' is a real character, very funny and charismatic with very talented and charming children. When one of her children came to my child's birthday party I thought that her grandfather had brought her...it was their father. A is married to a man old enough to be her father. He has grandchildren who are older than his children with A.
At the weekend the mothers went out together for the first time but 'A' couldn't come. The conversation turned to 'A' and the relationship that she had with this man. At no point was it 'nasty' as such but comments were made about the age gap etc. One parent admitted that the family had not been invited to a gathering at a school friend's house because the husband had found it weird to have to talk to someone old enough to be his dad.
Well last night in front of some of the children 'A' confronted us! She had been briefed (I think by a woman at the next table to us who had lingered after her bill came). She completely demolished us intellectually, asking what had she done to provoke such a reaction and picked on us individually. Unforgivably she then asked a teenager whether her mother had brought her up to behave so despicably a manner and whether she thought it was appropriate to gossip behind people's backs. One of the group disappeared round a corner and was sick.
It was utterly hideous. I know I am guilty of joining in. I don't know what to do. One of the other children has told my child what happened. Only one of the group has responded to my text saying that she thinks that 'the circle' is at an end and the other person that she has spoken to has spent the morning in bed with a migraine.
I know I am to blame for joining in but I didn't initiate the gossip, but how would you react now. What is the way forward?

Exactly, rix. An 18 year old is much less experienced in life compared to a middle aged man. In every way possible.

OP i agree with the others. women being sick, getting migraines, gossip'ing "going wrong" being defined as when the target has found out (as if that would make it "right" if she'd not found out/challenged it )... it's all a bit childish, OTT, and not really like any friendship group i'd want to be a part of.

it sounds like a lot of you have too much time on your hands. get some real problems that deserve vomiting, migraines, and suchlike, rather than the self-induced dramas you're all creating here.

i think this woman is better off without you as her "friends".

I think the motivation of the woman at the next table was questionable. She should have bollocked the mean girls and left the charismatic woman out of it.

This is what I was thinking.

Unless I thought someone needed to be warned (eg somebody was suggesting they were a thief etc), I wouldn't have carried this back to A - not because I think that the gossips should get away with it, but because it would obviously be a very hurtful thing for anyone to hear - and I couldn't do that someone.

I hope that I would have challenged the group - I think I would. I would have just said something like - "Excuse me. I couldn't help but overhear, Can I just say thatI'm very relieved not to be part of your friendship group if this is how you talk about someone when they aren't there to hear it. And I suggest that all of you make sure you're always present, otherwise you'll be the next topic of conversation.

Enjoy your coffee."

I might have added "A is a very good friend of mine, and she and Mr A are very, very happy together."

I like to see myself proudly bearing away with great dignity - like a galleon in full sail. In actuality, I would say my piece and probably scuttle out with my face red from rage and embarrassment (because people would be looking)

I've little sympathy for the lot of you just based on this: 'One parent admitted that the family had not been invited to a gathering at a school friend's house because the husband had found it weird to have to talk to someone old enough to be his dad.'

FFS. My friends and I are in our 40s and 50s and have loads of times mixed socially with one or the other's parents, who are in their 70s and 80s. It's not rocket science and nor is it that 'weird'

Also, have you all got nothing better to talk about???

If she accepts your apology I'd count yourself lucky. If you're genuinely contrite I think you should distance yourself from the rest of the group.

Yes, Sagrada, and I am assuming A is not a teenager, given she commented on one of the friends being a teenager at the moment.

As I said earlier, it really depends on perspective who's being taken advantage of... I'm not a teenager. My older DP has been accused of taking advantage of me, but I pursued him, and have been accused of taking advantage of his loneliness to serve my need for attention /as a gold digger.

There's a lot of ageist assumptions that because we were born at different times we can have nothing in common.

sagrada So you think Rix' partner has power over her because he's older?!

While I do think that throwing up and migraines are incredibly over dramatic I think it is incredibly disingenuous to suggest that nobody would ever have an opinion on someone’s partner whose grandchildren were the same age as their now joint children. We’re talking about a potential 40/50 year age gap here not a few years.

And as a general rule when people ask about relationships with big age gaps on here they are discouraged from getting too involved.

And whether people admit it or not, talking about others is human nature.

I think that people should apologise but I also think that A is being incredibly naive if she thinks that people wouldn’t have an opinion on her relationship with a man old enough to be her father. I know that plenty of mn’ers would absolutely discourage it for their own children.

So we have:

1. A grown man unable to converse with people more than (at a rough guess) 5-10 years either side of his own age.
2. An unknown woman loitering in a pub to overhear gossip (MI5 perhaps?)
3. A community where every couple (bar one) are the same age as each other.
4. Intellectual demolition (I have no idea what this is, sorry).
5. Women vomiting and taking to their beds with migraines (or possibly a fit of the vapours).
6. Dramatic texts of circles being broken.

OP, when does this come out on Netflix, it sounds gripping?

It's human nature to talk about people. Men do it to; gossip is exclusive to women.
Tbh I think the worst person in all this is the shit stirrer who told friend A. Who the fuck does that? Tell her deliberately hurtful things.

My dad was considerably older than my peers. Old enough to be their grandfather. He was an amazing dad and because he was in early retirement was present after school throughout my childhood - such a gift to have. I was so proud to have him as my dad. I would not have wanted to attend a group where I knew all the other mothers held a bitchfest about him.

What a lovely way to put it NewFone.

I'm sure that many older dad's have more time and patience with their children than younger ones. And it is a blessing!

There are some totally extreme comments on this thread & nearly everyone being sheep like in condemning the OP. I am sure that many of us talk about our friends & comments are not always mean & nasty.

The nasty behaviour seems to me to be the person who ‘overheard’ the comments & then went running to ‘A’ to report what was said. Why couldn’t she have said something like ‘couldn’t help hearing you talking about my friends A & B, they are a really lovely couple & very happily married’.

It sounds like over reaction from both sides.

My DH & I are ‘older parents’ and have both frequently had the ‘grandparent’ comments or the ‘was it planned’ etc etc. It’s just human interest, I am sure some of my friends comment behind my back about my age, I just laugh it off.

And there’s the usual anti Church comments coming out on the thread, the OP hasn’t specified what the organisation is, only saying ‘an organisation like Church, scouts etc’. It might be nothing to do with a Church group.

Who was the woman who overheard you and subsequently told A?

The irony of avoiding groups of women because they’re gossipy, but chasing around bits of rubbish to read because you recognized someone’s handwriting!

We’re talking about a potential 40/50 year age gap here not a few years.

Lol or potentially one with as little as sixteen years. Go and calm down in a darkened room. 🤣

PMSL at your one-liner, @MamaLovesMango

Wow you were a bunch of bitches and got called out.
Can you imagine how hurt and embarrassed this woman feels?
I'd apologise profusely.

I have a lovely group of friends. Once, one of them took against another one for a while, as she disagreed with some behaviours, and was a bit mean about her behind her back. If I had gone and told our other friend I would just have been causing trouble. After a while friend stopped bitching about other friend, and they're very close now.
No drama. (Sorry for boring story )

If it's a massive age gap then it's a sign of a major power imbalance/inequality in a relationship and not something many people would want much to do with in their own homes.

How is it a major power imbalance?

A colleague of mine is married to someone who is 20 years older. They are both professionals in the same industry at similar professional levels with children from previous marriages. Where is the major power imbalance?

Team A! You lot (husband included) just sound a bit thick really. Apart from the gossiping, the histrionic vomiting etc I think what's really unpleasant is excluding someone from social events. I've experienced similar. I live in a small town and I bet you do too, just the sort of place where if you're slightly different nobody bothers including you. Depressing.

If you felt bad about the conversation at the time, OP, then you should have told the rest of them to stop. "A" is my hero, she's a badass.

Grace yes.

Rix I plucked that age out of thin air because the point remains the same, at point the woman would've been a teenager/young woman and the man would've still been double her age.
Many young women went after older men and felt in control and even the one empowered and looked back with the benefit of age and hindsight years later to realise that actually, the man should've known better.
People change from when they're a teenager to going into their 20s, and change again. The older person would've already been through all these changes: travelling, kids, career, degrees, general growing up, getting comfortable in your own skin, broadening your mind intellectually ect ect and should know that it's not really on to be with someone yet to live their life in those ways.

Edit: maybe not rix's partner, I don't see why you would get personal.
I'm speaking generally. But yes that covers most cases.

I thought that her grandfather had brought her...it was their father. A is married to a man old enough to be her father. He has grandchildren who are older than his children with A.

Do you fuck feel bad and thought it was wrong! Even your post sounds gossipy and you can kinda hear the outraged gasps after every full stop.

I thought that her grandfather had brought her...it was their father. SHOCK!!. A is married to a man old enough to be her father.HORROR. He has grandchildren who are older than his children with A.GASP! -faints-

Is one of your friends a big art enthusiast, OP? Ever been to a certain Vatican chapel, perchance?
Vomiting after being told off- really, now?

it means I'm not going to come over all Elizabeth Bennett if someone has a go.

I'm pretty sure that Elizabeth Bennett would have given as good as she got rather than having an attack of the vapors.