Gossip that has gone very wrong

[ChorltonCreamery]

One of my children is in an 'organisation' think church group, Scouts etc They are in a friendship group of about six or eight and the mothers are friendly enough, if some of them don't know each other they will have mutual friends etc.
One of the women 'A' is a real character, very funny and charismatic with very talented and charming children. When one of her children came to my child's birthday party I thought that her grandfather had brought her...it was their father. A is married to a man old enough to be her father. He has grandchildren who are older than his children with A.
At the weekend the mothers went out together for the first time but 'A' couldn't come. The conversation turned to 'A' and the relationship that she had with this man. At no point was it 'nasty' as such but comments were made about the age gap etc. One parent admitted that the family had not been invited to a gathering at a school friend's house because the husband had found it weird to have to talk to someone old enough to be his dad.
Well last night in front of some of the children 'A' confronted us! She had been briefed (I think by a woman at the next table to us who had lingered after her bill came). She completely demolished us intellectually, asking what had she done to provoke such a reaction and picked on us individually. Unforgivably she then asked a teenager whether her mother had brought her up to behave so despicably a manner and whether she thought it was appropriate to gossip behind people's backs. One of the group disappeared round a corner and was sick.
It was utterly hideous. I know I am guilty of joining in. I don't know what to do. One of the other children has told my child what happened. Only one of the group has responded to my text saying that she thinks that 'the circle' is at an end and the other person that she has spoken to has spent the morning in bed with a migraine.
I know I am to blame for joining in but I didn't initiate the gossip, but how would you react now. What is the way forward?

Anyway, I agree with others that the shit-stirrer was the one 'in the wrong' if anyone's to blame.

Thing is, it's not likely that the table neighbour passed on a single comment about the age difference and a couple of 'I agree's, particularly since OP says At no point was it 'nasty' as such but comments were made about the age gap etc - it was obviously longer than that given the 'at no point' and the plural comments and the 'etc'. We're not just talking about a random observation bit of gossip, we're talking about full-on bitching. And yes, a lot of us may do it on occasion to some extent but it's wrong and we'd be mortified if we discovered that the person knew about it. And I hope we'd be admitting it and apologising rather than trying to justify it or shift the blame onto the person we'd talked about.
If OP had come on here, explained and sounded mortified and had asked whether she should apologise by text, letter or in person, or should she buy flowers or what to sort out this shitty situation she'd be getting better replies.. But posting to try and make out that it was the alcohol and all A's fault and they barely said a word - none of that says 'I feel like a complete heel and don't know how to make it better, or even if I can make it better (but I'll damn well try)'.

Why is the person who relayed the information a shit stirrer? She told A what you guys are like. As a rule of thumb don't say anything behind someone's back what you can't say to their face. Simple.

OP, the reason you believe yourselves to be nice people, not into confrontation, and that several of you reacted like hysterical teenagers on being held to account is that you have only ever surrounded yourselves with like-minded girls.
The moment you had to experience someone who made different choices, you all fucked up royally.
The reason her riposte was so well-honed is probably because it wasn’t the first time she’d faced a bitch fest. Rather like those of us that have similar battles for different reasons.

Wow, I haven't read the whole thread but "A" sounds really touchy. You have to expect if you do things outside of what is "usual" that people will talk about it. I presume A knows her husband is significantly older than most so why would she be surprised/hurt that it comes up in conversation?

I suspect the "friend" at the next table is a shit-stirrer who deliberately reported these comments as being more bitchy than they were.

I'm with Flori on this one. Unless you were totally slagging her off, or her husband, it sounds like you were just talking about the fact that there is a big age gap. Which there is

You have already said the comment about older guy not being invited to a gathering was not by someone in your group, so a bit irrelevant really.

I do think the migraines and vomiting are slightly ott but hey ho, everyones different! But A sounds just as crazy. And the woman who eavesdropped should have just kept her mouth shut.

All a big drama over a bunch of women talking about a couple they know. I am sure all of us have had social situations where we talk about other people shock horror

It's good you've apologised as you obviously feel bad about it, but I would just leave it now. If A wants to hold a grudge and ruin a friendship group that's her call.

Seriously, don't sweat it.

The hysterical puking woman and pathetic, immature husband are cracking me up.
Can't speak to someone that's older than him??

Lol I would find it hilarious if someone was sick after I justifiably had a go at them.

Me, too!

I would think I had found my superpower! ("After being bitten by a radioactive chipmunk, Shaden discovered that she could reduce anyone to vomiting and migraines by a simple verbal blocking . . . she resolved to use this power Only For Good.")

Just as a matter of historical interest, "gossip" wasn't always a pejorative term. It originated in the days before pain relief in childbirth, when women, poor buggers, would often experience many days of agonising labour. Along with the midwife, in the lying-in chamber would be friends of the women, who prayed for a safe delivery and, very importantly, distracted her from her ordeal by keeping her up to date on what was happening to other people in the outside world.

They were known as "God's siblings", which was shortened to "God's sibs" and eventually to "Gossips".

The problem here is that A is going to be thinking in worst case terms. Why? Because she didn’t actually hear what was said; all she knows is that the woman at the next table heard enough that she thought fit to report back to her that you were all bitching about her. And I don’t think it’s fair to call the woman at the next table a “shit stirrer”; if I heard someone running down one of my friends in a way I objected to, I think I would tell her.....mostly because I’d want to know myself. I’d almost certainly call it out at the time as well.

Is there a way back? Probably not, to be honest. If you want to try, flowers and a letter of sincere apology is probably the only way to go, but I doubt your group will be the same again.

I assume at some point most of my friends have gossiped about me. I don't care. It's human nature, I just don't want to know about it. My family stands out because we are mixed race and our ds has major special needs. People often talk about us. Sometimes within earshot. Not the end of the world. I also assume I've likely pissed most of my friends off at some point. Again, not the end of the world. This is a lot of drama about nothing Someone married a man who has grandchildren older than his kids. That's a huge age gap. People will comment.
There are a lot of saints on this thread eagerly waiting to tear down OP.

Woman who overheard is a proper stirrer. Many a time I’ve overheard groups of people gossiping about a supposed friend. I just keep my beak out. No one wants to hear that others are being nasty about them.

I’m sure I’ve been gossiped about lots of times: we’ve moved house a lot, DH is very handsome and I’m disabled; we have lots of money despite both of us being at home all day; we’re quite scruffy and a bit alternative. Apparently that makes us benefit cheats or lottery winners or drug dealers.

Meh, nothing to go postal over.

You were in the wrong. Apologise. That poor woman, I really feel for her. Women are b*itches sometimes.

@Stargazer888 exactly.

Most threads on MN are bitching about SILS, MILS, husbands, bridesmaids.

@MissUGirl I presume A knows her husband is significantly older than most so why would she be surprised/hurt that it comes up in conversation?

Because the conversation would in that case go:

Friend B: "A's husband is significantly older than she is"

Friends C, D, E (etc): "Oh".

Because in itself, it's not of any interest.

As the conversation evidently went on for longer than that, it can only have been bitchery and gossip.

Gossip. One of those things that by the nature of its very existence a lot of people do but no one will admit to.
I would say there's a difference between having a gentle giggle at something like this with no malice behind it at all, and gossiping say about someone's affair-or something that would be likely to cause real damage to someone's life. I'm not saying the first is right at all and naturally the person who is the target of it may not like it but I'm willing to bet most people have done it one time or another.
The difference here is you've been called out on it. And of course it's mortifying. You have been correct to apologise. And that's all you can do.
A sounds magnificent. Is anyone else wondering (and maybe would gossip ) about what it was she actually said that induced someone to be physically sick? I am!

Sagrada...
It reminds me of something I saw a poster write on here before; 'its not the age gap you have to watch out for. It's the maturity gap.'

It probaly went like this

OP: OMG you know QA's husband? He came to pick up their kid from my party and I thought he was the grandad! -Giggle giggle-

B: I know! He's old enough to be her dad! He's old enough to be our dad!! -More giggles-
C: oh you know that party they weren't invited to? It's because the husband didn't want someone that old around.

D: it's really strange really isn't it? I mean that's a huge age gap. -no more giggles somber expression and knowing looks-
B: his grandchildren are older than his own kids!! -gasp,giggle,eye roll-
C: what is she thinking? -shudder-

And I can bet my bottom dollar there was speculation as to why she is with him,that increased depending on his financial value.

Wow, I haven't read the whole thread but "A" sounds really touchy.

You think so MissU?

I'm not touchy at all, but I would be heartbroken if people I thought were my friends were bitching about me behind my back.

This poor woman and her husband.

You all sound like a bunch of viscous vipers, so good for her for 'demolishing you intellectually' hopefully you'll all have learned your lesson. It sounds like some have if they say this 'group' is now over.

Well done A I say, for having the guts to confront bullies and call it out. She sounds like she has her shit together, unlike the rest of you.

What's that saying?
' Other peoples opinions about you are none of your business' or something?

No one wants to hear that others are being nasty about them.

Of course not. But I’d rather know if my supposed friends were bitching about me behind my back than carry on in blissful ignorance. And just think about it from the other perspective: obviously what the OP and her mates were saying about A was so unpleasant that the woman at the next table thought she should tell her. It clearly wasn’t just commenting in a kind of “that’s very unusual, but whatever works for her” sort of way.

Apologise for your part in it, don't minimise. Having been on the receiving end of gossip, the worst thing to hear is that someone you know was part of it is blindly saying they didn't join in/it wasn't THEM/you've over-reacted/they don't know what they should apologise for.

Just own it. Apologise for being judgy but you were curious and realise you should just have asked her straight out. Ask for a start over.

1. Don't gossip
2. They're both adults
3. It's none of your business
4. Don't gossip
5. You all sound horrible, frankly

Don't be whinging that you feel bad, either. You only feel bad because you've been called out for your appalling behaviour. Bullies are always cowards.

I really want to meet A, I think I would like her. As seen as ok haven't told us what was said when you were gossiping and that she has reacted so badly that 'sugar daddy' and 'gold digger' were probably mentioned at some point.

It’s especially awful when you’re worried people will be talking about something like an age gap behind your back to have it confirmed, probably why she got so upset.