Gossip that has gone very wrong

[ChorltonCreamery]

One of my children is in an 'organisation' think church group, Scouts etc They are in a friendship group of about six or eight and the mothers are friendly enough, if some of them don't know each other they will have mutual friends etc.
One of the women 'A' is a real character, very funny and charismatic with very talented and charming children. When one of her children came to my child's birthday party I thought that her grandfather had brought her...it was their father. A is married to a man old enough to be her father. He has grandchildren who are older than his children with A.
At the weekend the mothers went out together for the first time but 'A' couldn't come. The conversation turned to 'A' and the relationship that she had with this man. At no point was it 'nasty' as such but comments were made about the age gap etc. One parent admitted that the family had not been invited to a gathering at a school friend's house because the husband had found it weird to have to talk to someone old enough to be his dad.
Well last night in front of some of the children 'A' confronted us! She had been briefed (I think by a woman at the next table to us who had lingered after her bill came). She completely demolished us intellectually, asking what had she done to provoke such a reaction and picked on us individually. Unforgivably she then asked a teenager whether her mother had brought her up to behave so despicably a manner and whether she thought it was appropriate to gossip behind people's backs. One of the group disappeared round a corner and was sick.
It was utterly hideous. I know I am guilty of joining in. I don't know what to do. One of the other children has told my child what happened. Only one of the group has responded to my text saying that she thinks that 'the circle' is at an end and the other person that she has spoken to has spent the morning in bed with a migraine.
I know I am to blame for joining in but I didn't initiate the gossip, but how would you react now. What is the way forward?

You know, I'm kind of torn on this.
It's actually a natural thing to gossip, in fact in the book "sapiens -a brief history of humankind" there is a section on gossiping. I'll have to look It up but basically, I think it's ingrained in humans to do. We're allowed to talk about people, it's just really unfortunate someone overheard and told the woman.
Fair play to the woman for confronting it but for people to be sick and gave migraines...come on.
What you do is apologise and be sincere, offer an olive branch and hope she accepts.
And learn from this experience ..

My mum told me she and her friend were overheard on a train journey talking about someone. That her friend felt sick because she is the kind of person who wants everyone to like her.
It's impossible for everyone to have a positive impression of you, that no one would have an opinion of you. It's just natural. But maybe best to keep it behind closed doors away from flapping ears.

One parent admitted that the family had not been invited to a gathering at a school friend's house because the husband had found it weird to have to talk to someone old enough to be his dad

My father was 16 years older than my mother.

And my uncle has two families, his wife is much younger than he is. My youngest cousins are 20 and 26 and I am 47.

Bizarre attitude. Some people really can't cope with deviations from "the norm", can they?

As for the gossip, the woman who was listening in was a shit stirrer wasn't she? What did she hope to achieve? But yes, a BIG apology is in order.

Wow, A sounds like a complete legend. I hope she's reading this! I'd love to know what she said that managed to induce physical illness as a result - I'd like to take a few tips from her.

She deserves better friends than you lot.

I should have said my uncle has HAD two families! 3 kids with his first wife and 2 kids with his 2nd.

:)

how does that work with friendship groups, if your partner is old enough to be your granddad?

I'm into sci-fi. My partner is into sci-fi. My friends are into sci-fi. We go to conventions together. We play dungeons and dragons and star trek online together and talk about books we have read.

He's an old man, he's not actually an alien

Meh, I've got cousins older than aunties and one uncle who's grandchild is older than his baby. It really isnt that uncommon to not fit the "norms"

So, is your child ashamed of you?

Poor woman. Not only bitching about a friend, but doing it in public. I hope you have realised that this is worse than you had minimised it to be.

Loads of people gossip, in fact as a few posters point out a few of us (including me) have gossiped about someone else. We all 'talk' about other people for various reasons - to convey information etc and not all of it is harmful. The trouble is, like in these situations when it is harmful because of the age gap etc. If it was about this woman's new hair colour or whatever I doubt she'd have been bothered but as it was about a situation close to her heart and which she has probably previously got criticism for then no wonder she got annoyed! The whole point of this is that this woman considered the others in the group to be her friends and to be told second hand that her DH was left out of a party due to someone discriminating) that's what it was - on age grounds - then that is nasty and the woman who told her the truth was actually being honest here. The others are upset because they've been called out and found out on their malicious gossip.

I've been told than I 'run my mouth' by one friend - which was true in the past yes but not any more - or not so much anymore - careful etc with who I do it about and to be honest - it's not worth it now, gossiping.

Haha I was also thinking they sound like a load of Sistine Screamers.
You've sent your text, and I'd just leave the woman alone now.

Actually, what's the point in apologising? People do that all the time but they're not sorry. They wouldn't have done/said it in the first place if they thought it was wrong.

I don't agree that A is a 'legend' or a 'star' or any other wanky term that people slap all over the place but she is somebody who decided not to take this bitching and accept it. Definitely admirable.

Being sick and having migraines? Must be the guilt pouring out of you. You've all led a very sheltered life if this gives you a fit of the vapours. If it was me I would have held my hands up at the time and said "I was so wrong, I apologise" then it's done. I bet you all stared at the floor and said nothing until your drama queen mate saved the day by vomiting. Classic deflection. You all need to grow up, stop judging and admit to your vile behaviour, takes all sorts to make a world you know.

haveingtochangeusernameagain - yes the woman listening in was a shit stirrer but maybe she actually felt uncomfortable that the woman being gossiped about had no idea this was happening and it didn't fit easy with her, so she decided to inform her.

I've done similar - well it was with a friendship group whom I'd kind of grown out of - and there was dreadful gossip from all the men etc. Things all got heated and we were actually at a second wedding ceremony for friends of ours, a couple who'd got married - but one was from UK and the other was from another country and had been told she'd be deported soon. The gossip at the wedding was that she'd married him because she was going to be deported which wasn't quite true or not completely.

Loads of other gossip flew around - kind of related to this - there was a big falling out and I ended up telling the bride this (we had a love/hate friendship anyway) who disbelieved me as one of the couples were good friends of hers. Do I regret telling her? Kind of, yes, because I was telling her to hurt her. Do I regret telling her the truth? No, I don't, she deserved to know, even if she didn't believe me.

I avoid women groups for this reason. Many years ago my BIL was bringing over a bin of his household rubbish to put our company skip. There was a lots of scrunched up notes blowing about on the ground which I started picking up. I saw my SIL handwriting and had a quick look. The notes were rough drafts to her church women's group. My SIL was begging for forgiveness over something awful she did and blaming someone else for something or other. Wow, what a cluster fuck that Church women's group was. Glad I avoided.

One of the group disappeared round a corner and was sick.

"It's unusual in this group to have that big of an age gap"

Pearl clutcher central!! Good on A for sticking up to you all, it's none of your business and to be honest you need to all get a grip! "We are unused to conflict" aka you are unused to your (as in the group's snide comments having consequences.

What a load of old bollocks. I have an older husband, my nieces and nephews on his side are in their 30s and having their own kids. Ours are primary aged. I give absolutely no fucks what people have to say and I wouldn't class what you say you all said as particularly malicious.

I know people talk about each other. Everyone talks about other people, I do it myself. I certainly wouldn't go off on one of I heard people were talking about me unless it was a stinging character assassination or untrue.

Let's hope A's daughter doesn't hear about how all the other mummies were being mean about her parents.

People gossip it’s human nature etc etc but when you’re caught you bloody apologise. And not inviting goes beyond gossip. And “I thought he was the kids grandad not dad, really put my foot in it!” is one thing. A sustained character assassination about someone who thinks you are friends is different.
And I think she should have called you out. Good for her for standing up for her family and not just callling you spiteful bitches behind her back.

I would also like to know the significance of the charming children comment? Were you delighted that the older husband was a flaw?

Having a disabled child makes gossip a hot button topic. Maybe A and me would get along.

Not sure i agree with loads of posts going on about how A sounds amazing.

She sounds as over the top and dramatic as the rest of you. Tearing strips off you, bringing teens into it, vomiting and migraines . You all sound unbelievable. Which this whole thread probably is.

Well you were being a bunch of bitches and she called you out on it.

Apologise and deal with it. I doubt she'll want to be friendly with any of you now and I don't blame her.

You do sound like a strange and incredibly immature, over dramatic bunch. That said, lots of people gossip and judge, but doing it loudly and drunkenly in a public place runs the risk of it getting back to the person you’re gossiping about and causing waves. It backfired on you, but you all deserved the dressing down you got (and those throwing up and having migraines need to pull themselves together!). You all need to apologise if you want it to calm down. It’s nobody’s fault but your own.

Some people really can't cope with deviations from "the norm", can they?

I doubt that's it, more it was just a reason to pick on her, probably driven by jealousy, it usually is,

Meh, I'd leave it. I think vomiting ect is a bit much. It's hardly anyone else's fault if someone didn't invite the family somewhere. People can choose who they want in their houses anyway. If it's a massive age gap then it's a sign of a major power imbalance/inequality in a relationship and not something many people would want much to do with in their own homes.

Lol I would find it hilarious if someone was sick after I justifiably had a go at them.

Don’t gossip in public! Do it inside like a normal person - surely you know that?

I think you should have apologised in person. I find texting a bit cowardly and if you've all apologised by text within a similar timeframe she's just going to assume you've been discussing it behind her back...