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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL to pay?

70 replies

Mummyto2munchkins · 05/03/2019 20:24

Completely expecting to be flamed for this...

DP is a carer. . FIL REFUSES carers, has turned them away before and expects DP to care for him as "he's his only son"

Hes currently in hospital and rings to demand stuff.. Aftershave and deodorant (as he's run out) food, money, insurance paperwork (no idea why), cheque book, list is endless really...

He had his card so I have paid for it, FIL said he'd give us the money back (currently on maternity leave)

DP says "FIL does a lot for us just forget the money" all he does is put money in the car for petrol...

AIBU to think that he should be paying for the petrol and also paying for his stuff also? I mean if he could drive he would be paying for his own stuff and his own petrol anyway surely?

(he can't drive as lost the use of his left arm after 3 strokes)

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/03/2019 20:25

I do get where you are coming from but you won’t win the argument with your partner, that’s his dad. Bite your tongue as much as you can!

Barrenfieldoffucks · 05/03/2019 20:27

Unless it was a lot of money and you were broke I wouldn't ask for money back from my father

Is your DP a carer for his father?

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 05/03/2019 20:29

I wouldn't take money off a relative in hospital who'd asked me to take them some things, they'd offer, I'd say oh no don't be silly. It's your DPs dad not one of his patients

Original poster
Mummyto2munchkins · 05/03/2019 20:30

It's at about £100 now.

I'm on maternity pay and that's all with 2 DC to look after and also a mortgage and bills. DP is his carer and only gets carers allowance. (barely covers the petrol in itself)

OP posts:
Siriismyonlyfriend · 05/03/2019 20:31

Does your dh get carers allowance?
I get where you are coming from, these things can soon mount up and I don’t have a lot of spare money so would take it.

Original poster
Mummyto2munchkins · 05/03/2019 20:31

Also this happens when he isn't in hospital also. (it's just "one of his things") - he hates spending his own money..

OP posts:
HomeMadeMadness · 05/03/2019 20:32

I wouldn't want to take money off my parent who is hospital either. I would sit down with DP and workout a budget and how much you can afford to help Fil then stick to it.

ALargeGinPlease · 05/03/2019 20:39

I'm with you op. If your fil needs these things, your dh could collect them from his (fil's) house. If he's run out, then i would expect him to reimburse me. Perhaps not the first £10/£20, but as you say, with an endless list, the costs can soon mount up.

Original poster
Mummyto2munchkins · 05/03/2019 20:41

We can barely afford to live as it is without the extra cost of his things too.. Its not even a list. He will ring for one thing one day take it over. Next day is another call. Take it over.. Etc..

The odd shopping bits are fine. Its the expensive stuff like aftershave (that he manages to get through in 2 weeks somehow)

OP posts:
HunterHearstHelmsley · 05/03/2019 20:43

I probably wouldn't charge for the necessities (only if you can easily afford to pay it). He should pay for ant extras.

Dippypippy1980 · 05/03/2019 20:47

I think this is bigger than the money for the bits and bobs.

Your family is making a huge financial sacrifice to care for your fil, and he doesnt appreciate it.

It is maybe time to rethink the arrangement. Fil might not want another career, but he can’t expect you all to put your lives on hold in this way.

Maybe time for a frank conversation, and for your oh to stop being his carer.

Inertia · 05/03/2019 20:49

Does your FIL see the carer's allowance as money for his own needs, rather than the equivalent of wages for the job that your partner carries out?

I think you need to make it clear that you can't afford to pay for his stuff on a carers allowance.

Original poster
Mummyto2munchkins · 05/03/2019 20:52

We've tried the whole "carer" situation. For carers in and DP was offered a job. 2 weeks later he told the carers not to return and that DP was caring for him so "didn't need them as he could cope"
DP does not really have a choice. Had Adult social care involved and they have said as he is of "sound mind" they cannot force him to have carers and if he has said DP doing it they have to accept that. Even though we've said we cannot really do this. And if anything happened we would be held accountable for it, so unfortunately DP feels he has no choice.

OP posts:
Dippypippy1980 · 05/03/2019 21:04

I know this sounds harsh, but your oh can’t be forced to be a carer.

If you are not receiving a carers allowance then you are not accountable for your fil’s care. He is bullying you into this, and your oh needs to be consistent with him - he will not be is carer.

I couldn’t afford to leave my job to care for my parents, even though I would love to if the house needed it. Very people could make this sacrifice. Your oh does have a choice.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 05/03/2019 21:06

When are you due back to work? Could that be moved forward so you can just leave your partner to deal with his dad? When doing your budgets factor in some money for each of you to spend as you like. All his dads stuff can come out of your partners spending money.

PersonaNonGarter · 05/03/2019 21:08

You have a choice and you know it. But let’s be honest, your DP would make a different choice to you.

Start thinking like a team. Try to compromise with DP on how much you do. And try not to get bitter.

lololove · 05/03/2019 21:09

Unfortunately I've been there in your exact position to my grandfather who I dislike with a passion because of the abuse he's given the family.

I understand the position of people saying that you can't be forced to be a carer but you sadly can when SS insist they (the person needing care) have a capacity to behave how they want to (at the time at least for my grandfather) and you have the duty of care to the disabled/vulnerable person as you are next of kin and cannot just leave them to their own defenses. A social worker threatened to call the police on me when I said I'd just hand him over to them and walk away after he'd beaten me black and blue again. I'd hope things have changed now (almost 10 years on).

I wonder if it might be worth it for your FIL to have an assessment by SW and for your other half to have a carers assessment too and stress that this situation is not working for him? Do you have a carers support service in your town? It would be worth contacting them too and telling them that it's not working for him and he cannot care for him.

CoffeeRunner · 05/03/2019 21:09

Ah, at first I thought you meant DP was employed as a Carer and that FIL expected him to provide all of his care due to that.

But what you actually mean is that DP is your FIL’s registered Carer & receives Carers Allowance in return for providing FIL with care?

Is that correct? Because the situations are quite different.

Bibijayne · 05/03/2019 21:10

OP, your DH needs to refuse to be his cater and get a job. If FIL refuses help, that's in him. Also, if it is clear he is not being supported adult services will step in.

lucy101101 · 05/03/2019 21:12

I think I have read this exact same thread before...

Whereareyouspot · 05/03/2019 21:14

Your DPnis being paid to be his dads carer even if he doesn’t realky want to be. That’s one issue. He either tells him straight he won’t do it, walks away or gets another job and just does what he can alongside that but unpaid. Tbh given he won’t likely walk away I’d say paid carer is the best option

Could you do some of the care whilst you are on mat leave so your DP can get some other paid work?

As for the stuff you need to be honest with his dad- hey dad we don’t mind picking stuff up for you but truth is we are a bit skint whilst DP can’t get another job and I’m on mat leave so if you could give us the money for the bits of some petrol we can happily pop to the shops for you’

Just be honest with him

ineedaholidaynow · 05/03/2019 21:15

Can you get financial POA for your FIL (obviously with his agreement) then your DH can get money from FIL's bank account to pay for all these things?

Margot33 · 05/03/2019 21:21

Yes we're in a similar situation. We're on one wages so money is limited. My mum asks for things on a continual basis. Since February I have been asked to get food, a babylis hair curler, bulbs, insurance, room fragrance sprays, clothes etc. Thats added up to £440 in te space of nearly five weeks. Now when I've bought something I hand it over and say," that will be £X please". Every single time. You have to do it every time.

kateandme · 05/03/2019 21:27

nip it in the bud now.the longer it goes on the harder it will be to stop.
the odd thing is ok if this is a one off but it does mount up it really does.and if you cant afford it in the first place.
there is no need for you dp to feel guilt he just needs to go in net time and say "right dad I got this and this and this can I grab your card to sort it out luv" or "right shall we get some money out for you to keep in your person so you can give me the cash when you need stuff." there needn't be any snipping or bad feeling just firm casual convo.

when my g-dad was in hospital dad just went in with the stuff " right dad that was …." and it was handed over.or if he went in and he asked for stuff hed take his card or some money

Original poster
Mummyto2munchkins · 05/03/2019 21:28

DP is in receipt of carers allowance for his Father. (I know its a different situation but it's still a strain)

I'm due back to work next month, already brought it forward, not that I should have been forced to return sooner than I feel I want to be DS is breastfed and won't take a bottle so attempting to try and wean him gradually is quite stressful without all this extra rubbish on top.

We have got a carers support service in our area, we've rung and explained we're struggling with his demands and they've only just got back to us. After 4 months asking how DP is coping..

Fwiw DP had a partially collapsed lung last year, was told to rest and take a week off caring to make sure his health was OK first. (his exacts words were if you carry on you'll end up seriously ill and you cannot care for somebody if your currently unable to care for yourself) Rung FIL to explain he's got a partially collapsed lung.. And he goes "well what about my coffee pods" to which DP responded with I need to rest dad. His response "you drove yourself to the hospital so you can't be that ill"... He's just selfish sometimes and thinks about himself and that's it, which is why we find it harder.

OP posts: