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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL to pay?

70 replies

Mummyto2munchkins · 05/03/2019 20:24

Completely expecting to be flamed for this...

DP is a carer. . FIL REFUSES carers, has turned them away before and expects DP to care for him as "he's his only son"

Hes currently in hospital and rings to demand stuff.. Aftershave and deodorant (as he's run out) food, money, insurance paperwork (no idea why), cheque book, list is endless really...

He had his card so I have paid for it, FIL said he'd give us the money back (currently on maternity leave)

DP says "FIL does a lot for us just forget the money" all he does is put money in the car for petrol...

AIBU to think that he should be paying for the petrol and also paying for his stuff also? I mean if he could drive he would be paying for his own stuff and his own petrol anyway surely?

(he can't drive as lost the use of his left arm after 3 strokes)

OP posts:
Purpleheadgirl · 05/03/2019 21:28

Far as I know even if a power of attorney was set up, it would not come into force until he was deemed to temporarily or permanently lost his capacity. It is a heart and head decision which only you and st can decide. You can absolutely step away and not do the care so not get any money and you would not be accountable or liable for anything. If you lived 2 hours away you could' t do the care even if you wanted to so what would have happened then? If he is in hospital ask for.a.referral to the occupational and physiotherapists. They can look into things to make it easier at home. They may find rehab needs which could be addressed by a rehab team at home with the ultimate aim of getting the patient back to doing what they need to do. May be therapy based care that goes in at home for few weeks which he wouldn't see as carers. Above all be honest with the hospital staff about what you can and can't do as you don't have to do anything and may be able to get a carers assessment for your dh in his own right good luck x

ReanimatedSGB · 05/03/2019 21:31

You cannot be forced to care for an adult family member. You can point-blank refuse to do it and cut contact - even if SS threaten to call the police on you, the police can't make you do it, either.
And, if the person in need of care is violent or otherwise abusive to you, then I think you'd be absolutely right to refuse to be that person's carer. Unfortunately, if the person is just a fucking nuisance and you are going to take a massive hit financially by becoming their carer, while you can't be physically/legally forced to do it, most people's consciences would force them into it, sadly...

Myheartbelongsto · 05/03/2019 21:35

I would never have taken 100 pound from my father for a few bits.

I'm pretty sure I've cost him waaaaaayyyyyyy more than that.

Dippypippy1980 · 05/03/2019 21:38

Stop claiming carers allowance. Then the emotional blackmail will stop

Romanov · 05/03/2019 21:38

how can it be a crime for your DP to not care for FIL? surely thats where you start.

DP tells FIL need to get a job, and will be stopping claiming carers allowance. If FIL needs anything he has to pay up front, or give you a kitty

Original poster
Mummyto2munchkins · 05/03/2019 21:42

He's currently in Rehab with physiotherapists now, my worry is upon his return. He will have people go in to help as it will be set up for him when he returns. But how long is he actually going to accept this before getting rid of them.. He also got rid of the last lot of carers and lied to us about it too. Told us the person was ill and not to worry about sending another out. (us thinking when they was better they would return) a family friend actually informed us that he told them to f**k off..

DP has had an interview very recently and mentioned to FIL about this. The response "well what about me" no good luck, I hope you get it... Just all about him..

Also in regards to getting bits and bobs.. He will ask when we are going food shopping can we get him a few bits.. (ends up being 50quid worth!) I started to put a stop to it. Saying if he wanted that much he can have a online shop or he can go himself, the only things I'd be getting was the odd bag of sugar, milk.. So he changes how he does it.. Will ask for one item every day instead. Sly bugger.

OP posts:
PanamaPattie · 05/03/2019 21:42

Stop the allowance. Ask Adult Social Care to do an assessment. Your DH needs to decide where his loyalties lie. He can't manage your family and his father unless he drastically reduces his interaction with him. DH must make his own choice.

ineedaholidaynow · 05/03/2019 21:43

No a financial POA can be used straight away if the donor (in this case FIL) agrees. Useful for cases like this when the relative is in hospital and can't access his bank account

Purpleheadgirl · 05/03/2019 21:45

He has the right to refuse carers or to send them away (but not to be rude to them!) ....but you also have the right to refuse to care for him or to provide his goods out of your money :)

ChoccieEClaire · 05/03/2019 21:52

I'm pretty sure if you're receiving carers allowance you can still work up to 16 hours a week without it being affected so could your DP work as well?

CoffeeRunner · 05/03/2019 21:56

OK. Firstly, stop claiming Carers Allowance. In doing so DP is registered as FIL’s Carer so is naturally expected to care for him.

DP needs to stop providing the same level of care. If a SW is involved, DP needs to stay firm on the fact that he can no longer be FIL’s Carer.

Should FIL fall & end up in hospital - I hope not, but it happens - make absolutely sure the SW, OT & ward based staff know that DP is no longer able to offer full support as a Carer as he now has to work to provide for his own DP & children. They will be unable to discharge him without an appropriate package of care or care placement.

But I’m sorry, you can’t claim CA while simultaneously saying you can’t provide care to that person.

CoffeeRunner · 05/03/2019 21:57

You can earn £100 a week (or thereabouts) Choccie.

Doesn’t help with the other issues however.

Original poster
Mummyto2munchkins · 05/03/2019 21:58

Part time work is far a few between... Can only earn so much a week.

Also we get 20+ calls a day. If DP doesn't answer his phone (10 calls in 20 minutes has been known before) then I'll get a phonecall asking what he's doing. I've also had 10 calls in half hour whilst at work once... To ask me to buy room spray on my way home..

OP posts:
Daisymay2 · 05/03/2019 22:03

We had a similar situation with my late father although he was not nasty. He told SS that I was in regularly- almost daily. Trouble is I live 170 miles away, was working full time and doing the school run. Social worker dialled my number- which was obviously not local to her- and basically told me I was lying about where I lived as he said I popped in regularly to check up on him and did his shopping. I ended up organsing a meeting with Adult Social Services and Dad's solicitor so he could inform SS officially that I did live here and that dad was not telling them the truth, and raised the subject of his mental capacity.
DP needs to tell Adult SS in writing that he is not his father's carer and carry on with his job and stop the carer's allowance. He may be his father but you cannot go on like this. You cannot be held accountable if anything happens , they have made an assessment based on incorrect information from a source they have judged to be competent because it is easier for them.
I had a major row on the phone with a social worker about sending my father home from an assessment centre. I told her he would be back in hospital after a week, she told me I was wrong and was unduly negative. I admit I was wrong, he was readmitted after 4 days. Not got a clue!
He was in the early stage of dementia while all this was going on, and I think he believed what he told Adult SS, But you can't be forced to to care for him. And forget the aftershave if he is in hospital.

Original poster
Mummyto2munchkins · 05/03/2019 22:03

We said we couldn't care before the carers allowance was in place. (by a good 6 months) was still the same situation. Only claiming carers as a little financial help.

He's ended up in hospital before after falls, assessment says he's fine as he has grab rails and walking aid etc. Once carers were put in place, which he's told to f**k off. Even with working, we still receive the constant calls "demanding" stuff.. Oh and a call every half hour there after asking if we're going over.. Dont think he understands a toddler and newborn baby (whilst I'm not there/meetings at work etc - that another thread! ) is actually quite hard to get out of the house with..

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 05/03/2019 22:08

Has he recently got this demanding, could it be early stages of dementia?

I think tough love may have to come into place, you can't keep responding to him and be his carer, if it is not financially viable

Missingstreetlife · 05/03/2019 22:13

Just.say.no. That's it. He's completely unreasonable and you are colluding with dh enabling it. Decide what you want to do, can reasonably manage and don't do more. He will have the care package or suffer the consequence.

Original poster
Mummyto2munchkins · 05/03/2019 22:14

He's been like it since his strokes (apparently - according to grandparents he's always been like it, DP says different)
MIL sadly passed away 2 years ago, she always stopped him from calling us. (which was apparently all the time - as she said "we have our own family to think about")

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyto2munchkins · 05/03/2019 22:17

I've told DP when FIL returns home, if he tells the carers to go, then he's to refuse to help him anymore as he won't be helping himself and it is not fair to put this pressure on us with a young family. DP has agreed with this!

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 06/03/2019 00:20

You need to be very firm with this. "No" we cannot go to the shop for you. "Do not call me between 9:00 and 4:00pm as I am at work and will not answer." And then you need to stick to it.

Daisymay2 · 06/03/2019 11:00

He does sound lonely- which may be as a result of his behaviour- but the asking for one food item at a time and calls asking when you are going to visit suggest he is trying to engineer visits and company. Refusing carers is trying to make your DP go in to visit regularly.
You need to have a firm conversation with him and tell him clearly that your DP will need to work to support the family and can't be a full time carer. And he can only ring you for emergencies during the working day. And then stop the carer's allowance so that SS can't use it as a lever. They tried forcing us to takeover my dad's care ( doubly incontinent, frequent falls, stroke ) without carer's allowance so heaven knows what they will expect from DP. ( Sorry if I sound cynical about Adult SS but the experience my DB , DSIL and I had was terrible and really impacted on us. )

Singlenotsingle · 06/03/2019 11:17

DP will have to put his big boy pants on and stop being bullied won't he? His dad is sucking the life out of him, the family is suffering, and the selfish old man is being allowed to get away with murder. Old people can be very selfish.

anniehm · 06/03/2019 11:22

Essentials fair enough but not aftershave. If fil is of means then your partner needs to negotiate with him, it's also possible to have a personal budget for care and pay a relative - if he meets the criteria for continuing care (otherwise it's means tested so depends on fils financial situation.)

Zucker · 06/03/2019 12:02

Why is your DP claiming the carers allowance if he doesn't want to be his fathers carer? That alone is sending mixed messages to your FIL surely? Your DP is his carer, no?

cptartapp · 06/03/2019 12:19

You do have a choice. People live until they're 100 now, this could go on for years and you and DH must prioritise your own family and mental health. Give social services a weeks notice of your intent and then step right back. Don'teven answer the phone to him. If FIL's poor decisions lead to a crisis then so be it, only then will SS act. They won't lift a finger as long as you're propping up the situation. No one person has the duty of care for another, only the state. If you carry on as you are that is your choice. It's difficult but the only way (ex district nurse).