FIL to pay?

[Mummyto2munchkins]

Completely expecting to be flamed for this...

DP is a carer. . FIL REFUSES carers, has turned them away before and expects DP to care for him as "he's his only son"

Hes currently in hospital and rings to demand stuff.. Aftershave and deodorant (as he's run out) food, money, insurance paperwork (no idea why), cheque book, list is endless really...

He had his card so I have paid for it, FIL said he'd give us the money back (currently on maternity leave)

DP says "FIL does a lot for us just forget the money" all he does is put money in the car for petrol...

AIBU to think that he should be paying for the petrol and also paying for his stuff also? I mean if he could drive he would be paying for his own stuff and his own petrol anyway surely?

(he can't drive as lost the use of his left arm after 3 strokes)

He can ask you to go to the shop's each day but that diexnt mean you have to! Just explain I'm next going shopping on x. Ring him the day before and ask him what he wants. Do his shop separate to yours and hand over receipt, tell him that's £x please. I'd never go shopping every day! Especially not for unimportant stuff! Maybe you shouldn't answer the phone every single time.

Everybody saying don't answer the phone, he will constantly ring DP and if DP doesn't answer will ring me, if I don't answer he will try calling DP or DPs grandparents who in turn will then call us also (only 1 call /voicemail left)
Can't turn our phones off if DD is at nursery incase they needed to contact us.
I've put my phone on silent so I don't need to put up with the sound of it going off.. (incase the calls come in) but it's constant.. The most we've had is 60 calls between us in one day. (and that was to tell us about a hospital appointment in 3 weeks time)

He does sound lonely

But when the OP says this MIL sadly passed away 2 years ago, she always stopped him from calling us. (which was apparently all the time - as she said "we have our own family to think about"), this doesn't sound likely.

Everybody saying don't answer the phone, he will constantly ring DP and if DP doesn't answer will ring me, if I don't answer he will try calling DP or DPs grandparents who in turn will then call us also (only 1 call /voicemail left)

But why can't you just let it ring and ring? If it's on silence as well. A quick text to DPs grandparents that you are unavailable and job done, no?

It sounds easier said then done.. When you're trying to read emails, or on the phone to somebody else the calls are still coming through.. 60 a day when you don't answer isn't exactly OK.. We've told him if we don't answer its because we're busy. He says "it says call back later so I did" he gives you literally 3 minutes then calls again.. DP battery has died before now (whilst out) from the constant calls.

Why is your DP claiming carers allowance? It's around £60 per week, am I right? Hardly worth it for this level of commitment and reduces DP employment prospects.

This is mad. If he has capacity you need to be really firm, block him and change your numbers if neccessary. Go no contact if you have to. If he doesn't have capacity then he neeeds more paid care. This cannot continue. He is a complete cf. he obvs has other ppl to call. Ask them not to call you too

Yep he is getting carers allowance, but barely covers the petrol.

They're saying he does have the capacity unfortunately. Although we both agree we don't think he does, he's very clever and caniving. Lies to us, but not other people.. He's overdosed on morphine before.. Had half a bottle in 2 days.. Told us he's only had 2 doses of 3ml. We said there's no way.. He got rather evil to the point we left him to come home. This was around the time the other carers went in. He openly admitted to them that he had taken that much! But completely lied to us about it.

Only claiming carers as a little financial help so you wanted financial help so claimed careers allowance but don’t want to do the actual caring. What on earth do you think it’s for. You’re dh needs to go out and get a full time job and support his family instead of using the fact he’s a carer when in reality he doesn’t want to actually do the caring.

Carers allowance is for full time care, 35 hours, it's a disgrace.
Just stop doing this and let professional carers deal with him, or stop moaning.

He is doing the caring... Dont know where you got that from... I'm just saying it's hard financially to pay for stuff and not get the money back for it. And the constant demands.. Even after he's left I receive a call asking for more stuff.. I mean I'm not the carer. Why am I being roped in...

He tells professional carers to f**k off... What are we meant to do? Let him sit on a floor for 3 days if he falls?

Snapped You have missed a good chuink of what OP has posted.

FIL told carers to fuck iff.
FIL blackmailed his son into caring for him, so he claimed the allowance t help financially
He has tried to get work but has been reeled back in by his dad.
Both OP and her OH are caring for FIL... he is being cared for, by pople who cannot afford to continue doing so, emotionally or innancially, it would seem

Your dh is being unreasonable if he can't see financially providing for fil is taking money from his dc +dw.. Unless fil is poverty stricken dh needs to keep receipts and ask fil for the cash.
As for the carer side, stop the claim, get a phone just for fil's calls, cheap tenner one, tell fil he can ring at x time. You need to force boundaries.

If he falls you ring an ambulance (or he presses a lifeline) and leave them to it. That's a consequence of his choices. Only when a crisis occurs this way will things change. His wants do not trump yours.

I am sorry this is happening to you. Start by keeping a record, with receipts, showing how much he is spending (the idea of separate receipts for just him is good). Make it clear that this money is to be paid back once a week, you will sign to say he has done and so will he. No more shopping until it is paid. And mean it! It may help your DP to see it written down as to how much it is.

He sounds a very manipulative individual and you say he is like this long term? It is likely there is something called Social Prescribing in your area - there are in a lot. Try to contact them, they may have a thing where people go out to lunch clubs or have someone visit once a week (you may need to go through the gp for that one). It's about him relying less on you for company.

I often see a book on here called Toxic Parents. I've not read it but I understand it helps explain how they manipulate you and how to get past that. I think it could be useful for your DP to read.

I hope things improve. Good luck!

I am so sorry Lololove.

Oh my gosh 60 calls a day?! That's crazy. Can you and your husband change your numbers and give those to nursery and friends. Buy a cheap phone and ask him to ring that mobile? Keep it on silent and just check it twice a day.

Yes, change your numbers and tell everyone but him. Keep the old number in a cheapo payg phone you can switch off.

The problem is, if he has a fall.. As he doesn't always wear his "lifeline" he just leaves it on the side and doesn't wear it. (If we're not going to be about for a day we will tell him to wear it but he doesn't listen) was once on the floor from 6am till half 9 when DP went to get him up for a shower. He decided to have a shower himself, was on the floor with the shower still on for all that time.

Sadly, thousands of elderly people live like that, refusing care/to pay for carers and falling about all over the place. A&E are full of them. Your FIL is entitled to make poor decisions but not to the detriment of you and your family IMO. It's easier said than done, but think long term, draw a line in the sand and stick to it. I would go as far as to do one last shop, inform social services of your deadline and step away.