Ex wants me to screw with sleep pattern so he gets visitation?

[Badidas5]

Separated from ex whilst I was pregnant. I live about 50 minutes away from him now. He was abusive emotionally towards me and I left. We have a son together and he obviously wants to see his son. He never gets home from work before 5. My son is now in a routine (he's 5 months old) and is always asleep between 7 and 8. I'm trying to explain that this is the pattern Our son is in naturally, and I've tried explaining this. He's just reached a point where he does the same thing every night. It's beneficial for me and a pattern that suits both of us.

He wants me to change his whole pattern so he gets longer with him on a weekday. I've said no, it's not beneficial to our son. I'm already travelling almost an hour there and about hour back for a short period of time so he can see him.

I'm close to just saying no and only doing weekend contact. He wants 2 evenings on a weekday and it just doesn't work. I've changed my working hours drastically to suit my son's needs. Taken a significant pay decrease so I can be there to pick him up and take him to nursery every day. He just says 'I finish at 5 sorry' - that's it.

What am I to do? AIBU? Should I really consider changing my son's whole routine

Agent I think you mean well, but "Routines aren't etched in stone", I don't understand this. They are a set pattern that people like to follow, so a court would consider this important if the child benefits.

If the child has trouble sleeping if over-tired and that changes their mood and behaviour the next day how is that fair for the child? My DC2 (midprimary) has to be in bed before 8.30 as gets exhausted, older DC was more flexible. My ex was dropping him back hungry and tired at 8.30 (verbal agreement was 7.30). Judge agreed with me and weekends back to me are now 6pm so even better. I'm happy they have EOW and time in week, but late drop backs were not fair to DC2.

Let's not forget that the OP's ex is emotionally abusive as well.
This will be taken into consideration (now) by the courts, especially if the OP has had to move away for her own safety.

But because he is EA, it is unreasonable of him to expect the OP to now kowtow to his demands as well - it's just another example of his wanting to control her.

@BertieBotts I have already spoken to women's aid. I had to when I left him as I was so scared about his reaction. They told me to move and that emotional abuse is not ok. That it's important I have support. I'm on SMP and can't afford to rent until I go back to work.

Oh yes I didn't mean in terms of moving, I meant about the contact - they might know what the courts would be likely to say, which means you're not at his mercy of this fear the ciurts would order it anyway. Knowledge on your side makes you stronger.

Are you claiming all the benefits you're entitled to and getting child maintenance from your ex?

@AnotherEmma I'm not claiming anything yet. I'm sorting it out this week.

@BertieBotts thank you. To be fair I've actually seen a solicitor who said no to travelling. Said he will likely only get access on weekends unless he travels in the week. I tried to compromise so he had more. I'm the one going out of my way because I want my son to see his dad. All I ask is that it falls within his routine.

OP have you ever sought help from CAFCASS? Sometimes they get a bad press, but I found them useful with my EA ex, they had some good impartial advice.

Are you currently living with family?

It was not unreasonable to move to be with family after being abandoned as you needed support. So absolutely say no to travel.

I see the handmaidens/mra's/sympathisers have come out in force!

HE needs to step up, to show his commitment to the child. So far he's had it almost all on his terms! No! This is a bad road to head down.

This is NOT just "nap time" this is the baby's bed time at night, some babies are flexible, others NEED a routine and if you go against that it causes major problems - my dd was like this, I had a rose tinted idea I'd be this relaxed, routine free mum. Dd wasn't having any of it! Even at 18 now she gets grumpy if out of her routine.

Being a good parent means doing what's best for the child, this guy isn't even considering that.

"You have to stand firm and insist on a visitation schedule appropriate for ds’s age. It’s ur to expect a baby/toddler/school age child to keep up the current pattern. They’ll be exhausted." Exactly

I'm also thinking so much time in a car seat at this age can't be good for his spine and respiratory system.

My own experience of court re contact strongly suggests the father would be asked some very pressing questions on WHY he wasn't making ANY compromises to see his child but is expecting the mother AND the child to.

So you've already had legal advice (and local solicitor will know how the judges in that area are likely to rule) so follow it!

You really need to set the tone now that you're not going to allow your ex to control things to the detriment of your child and yourself.

Your son will be worse off with a tired, stressed out mum.

Start as you mean to go on, limit visits to weekends and let the ex do the driving.

Absolutely make him do the driving - not a solution but couldn't he meet you half way ?

A solicitor said no to travelling. Said he will likely only get access on weekends unless he travels in the week. I tried to compromise so he had more. I'm the one going out of my way because I want my son to see his dad

Well, you need to think more about yourself and your ds here, and less about your lazy, useless, feckless, deadbeat ex.

He was emotionally abusive to you! Why are you giving even the smallest amount of consideration to his feelings? He doesn't care about yours. Or his baby's.

You're doing ALL the parenting, night feeds etc. The least he can do is actually drive to see his son.

And yes, get CMS sorted out asap.

You have to remember that your DS is too young to really benefit from the contact they currently have so whether it's once or twice a week is of no significance to your DS for months yet!

because I want my son to see his dad.

Please repeat this to yourself. And then ask... Why? It’s his Dad who needs to want to see his child. His Dad who needs to put his child’s needs first. Part of that, a big part, is respecting his child’s needs FIRST. Above his own.

You are not respecting your baby’s needs first by bundling him into a car for an hours drive just because his Dad can’t be bothered. Your child needs you first and foremost as his main carer, so you also must take care of yourself and not tire yourself out.

I can’t tell you how important it is to reframe your thinking.

Because I used to be like this, for years and years. I put my sons Dads needs before mine and before my sons. I did all the traveling. Regret it hugely now. I needed someone to tell me to be selfish and parent my child.

Please now just repeat...
Your baby’s relationship with his Dad is not your responsibility.

Good advice there from PinaColada. At this age your baby will benefit far more from regular sleep and routines than from a stressed out journey to see a bloke who he can barely focus on, let alone remember from week to week, and who can't be arsed to travel to see him.

Your baby's needs are far more important at this stage than the sperm donor's - and if the sperm donor wants to be seen as "Dad" then he'd better start considering how to put his son's needs first too.

You're still letting him control snd manipulate you...I don't understand why you would want to facilitate a relationship between them.

He's winding me up so much. If I don't text back within an hour he send me '??????' It's like I'm obliged to text him with updates 24/7. I feel like I can't tell him to stop pestering me because I still have to spend time with him. He asks to FaceTime 3x a day with his son. It's too much. It's like I can't move on. He still starts his messages by telling me what he's been up to it's like he's still in relationship mode. It's so draining.

You don’t have to answer the phone
You don’t have to text back

Give him a consistent message

How will things change when you go back to work? You need to think ahead - because you are setting a president for the future and you don’t want the travel on top of work.

Plus if he’s that desperate he’ll travel - I doubt he does - he just wants you jumping when he wants you too - and like a fool you are doing what he says

So tell him that you have taken advice and weekly contact is to be at weekends at x (your town) either Sat or sunny TIL Z to be agreed on a Monday by email.

You will not be FaceTiming it messaging anymore as it's intrusive and harassing. From now on email only and if he's not happy he can arrange and pay for shuttle mediation.

Send and then BLOCK him

@GreenTulips exactly and I know I'm a fool so why do I do it? I don't know what's wrong with me. It makes me anxious knowing I haven't responded to him. For all he knows I'm in the bath, driving, dealing with a screaming fit re my son, cooking, breastfeeding with my phone out of reach etc etc.

I know it's hard for him being away from him son but surely he just needs to trust that I'll let him know if there's a problem and stop with the constant contact. I'm so anxious about it all.

Do you have an email address for him?

@RandomMess I do yes

Message once

"You can only email me from now on"

Then BLOCK on everything.

Compose a sensible email offering the contact that prioritises your DS and your needs. Grey rock it is literally you can have this or that nothing else.

To not respond to ANYTHING else.

You need to do this for you and your DS, step away from the drama.

Repeat to yourself: 'his needs and desires are not my responsibility'. And 'his desires do not trump mine and DS's'. Over and over again. Write it on post-its and stick them all over the house. Believe it. It's true. Your needs mean nothing to him, do they? So why should his mean anything to you? He is not a more worthy person than you are.

Ignore texts, or tell him once only to stop hassling for instant answers.

In your email state that contact is about DS NEEDS that he does not benefit from FaceTime or sitting for hours in a car or having his bedtime routine disrupted hence it needs to be daytime contact in the town where DS lives as that is in DS interests.

Until you step up and stop the merry go round it will get worse and worse.

Put your DS first before your ingrained unhealthy desire to give your ex what he wants.