Does this sound like grooming? Please help- step uncle

[Lam23]

Posting for traffic/I’m not sure where else this belongs..
Background if it helps: I’m a mum of a nearly 4 year old. She is very bright, happy, outgoing, completely normal development wise and attends nursery full time. I met dh when she was 2 and they have a great relationship, which has grown over time, i can honestly say I really trust him and she has started to call him daddy which feels natural for us all. Her dad has never been in the picture and we have no contact with him.
I have recently begun to have real worries about her relationship with my dh’s brother. He is 31, unmarried, no kids. Generally quite an immature guy (loves gaming, works minimum wage job and lives in a flat share) but seems pleasant enough since I’ve known him. However, since he met dd at a family gathering probably a year ago, alarm bells are ringing for me more and more and I don’t know if it’s instinct or paranoia. Every time he sees her he picks her ups lot, tickles her, cuddles her, he addresses her as “friend” (seems odd for a 3 year old), he always buys her extravagant presents whenever we see him. She is a trusting kid and I’m beginning to think, too trusting- because of all the positive attention he gives her (and maybe because she lacked a “dad figure” the first couple years of her life?) she absolutely loves him, talks about him loads, nowadays whenever he is there at a family gathering she just wants to go to him and has a tantrum if I say no or keep her next to me. It seems really excessive that she is so into him and that he had instigated this type of relationship with her- dh’s sister, who has kids, has what I would consider a more normal relationship with my dd and is lovely to her but definitely doesn’t push the boundaries. He has now offered to babysit a few times and I refuse point blank each time which I think dh is a little upset by (dh idolises his brother and I can’t talk to him about ANY of this). It happened again yesterday with lots of cuddling, sitting on his knee. My own brothers don’t do this with my dd and I feel like I can’t put a stop to it, but she is so trusting and I don’t know how to protect her. Whenever she needs a male figure she seems to get overly attached anyway, but for me this is going too far. She doesn’t want to be near me or dh when his brother is around, the amount of presents makes me uncomfortable and I feel like the physical stuff in public is a possible first step of grooming. Can anyone please help me understand what to do, it’s a really sensitive situation. Does this sound odd? I would appreciate anyone who knows about signs of grooming etc to weigh in. Do I sound crazy?
Fwiw my mum and sister are both teachers and having witnessed the interactions said that their own instincts were kicking in too and that the developing relationship wasn’t necessarily appropriate/he seemed a little over interested in kids.
Please help, this is stressing me out so much whenever we are around family.

@Lam23

YANBU to be concerned, and always trust your instincts. She is your child, and you have the right to choose who looks after your child.

YABU however to call this man 'immature' just because he is in a minimum pay job, is in a flat share, and like video games. That's just rude and judgemental. I also agree that's it's pretty mean and judgemental to tar all single 30-something men with the same brush, and assume they are all pedos if they like being around children.

Go with your instincts and what’s the worst that can happen? It’s not just your feelings about his behaviour but also your DM and DSISs too. He may just be broody and love kids he also may be anything but and you can’t risk it. The constant attention, picking up, cuddles, tickles and lavish gifts seem OTT and strange bearing his relationship to her.

The big worry here is that you feel you can't talk to your DH.

Agree with this too.
It’s not about something unimportant either, it’s the most important and serious thing.
His behavior is inappropriate, whether it’s innocent or not.

Dh and I had a row before Xmas because we were going to stay at his family’s (a far distance away) the week after Xmas but I made it clear I didn’t want to leave dd in the evening to go out just due to my (paranoid or not) own preferences and he was really pissed of with me at first. He did come round when I pointed out how selfish he was being but tbh he is still learning about parenting etc. I don’t think it would occur to him that his family member might not have the best intentions towards kids. He knows 0 about child protection/safeguarding and I am having to explain a lot.

If you met your DH when she was 2 and she is not yet 4 then you haven't safeguarded her appropriately already, disregarding the step uncle. How soon did DH move in with you after meeting? I assume you will have encouraged them to bond and perhaps that has followed on for your daughter in bonding with other new men in her life as enthusiastically, which is teaching her very poor boundaries.

Frog I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful more just offer a context wherein maybe he is more childlike for his age and so enjoys being around children?
However, so was Michael Jackson I guess..

Does he treat all children the same way or is she being singled out for particular attention?

Tattoo with all due respect I don’t think you have any right to say I haven’t safeguarded my dd considering the minimal context you have..

Frog I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful more just offer a context wherein maybe he is more childlike for his age and so enjoys being around children?

However, so was Michael Jackson I guess..

REALLY?

FFS. You are fast losing this argument.

I’m not here for personal attacks on my parenting, so I think I might bow out. Thank you to everyone on this thread for the reinforcement and the sanity check here. It’s preoccupied me a lot and I feel better about my own instincts.

Lam23

Good idea to bow out as threads like these often become a point of principle rather than a reality based thing.

I'm heavily involved in safeguarding- this would ring alarm bells for me too- and I understand your point about single men not babysitting, particularly those involved in a recent step family situation. Stick to your guns. Instinct is normally right

Show your daughter this video by the NSPCC

Good luck OP.

Go with your instincts. Always trust your instincts when it comes to things like this. Your daughter matters more than your DHs feelings. Don't leave them alone. Talk to your DH and tell him that he needs to tell his brother to stop with the presents and overly affectionate behaviour.

Hi there OP.

I'd follow your gut with this one. Yes, it's going to lead to an uncomfortable conversation with your DP but your DDs safety comes first.

I'm not sure if anyone else has mentioned it, but please go and look for a website called Parents Protect. It's run by the Lucy Faithful foundation and gives really good sane advice for parents to help keep their children safe. They run a phone line that you could call to speak to someone about your concerns, as well as actual courses in how to spot someone grooming your child a's well as potential abusers. I'd highly recommend them - they deliver training to police/teachers etc.

My view is the guy’s probably fine. BUT, you can’t take chances with your child’s safety. Better to piss off a dozen lovely uncles than let in one who ends up abusing your child.

Just to put another spin on - would you feel the same about a 31 year old sister/step auntie? I just worry we tar all men with the same brush. My oh is amazing with kids , kids gravitate towards him he's calm and naturally good with them and id hate to think of alarm bells ringing because of that. By all means don't let him babysit that's fair enough but I'd be cautious about labelling him a peado because he's good with your daughter.
Also though I would stick by the instinct thing, mummy instinct is powerful!

I think you have to trust your instincts. Surely you can explain to DH that because of your own personal experience you are uncomfortable with the additional attention from step uncle.

I think you have to explain your concerns to your DH without accusing his brother. It sounds like mil behaves is the same way - so potential that is how they all think is normal to treat kids and there may not be anything sinister in it. I know of some guys who kids are drawn to - and there isn't anything sinister there either.

But your instinct is telling your there is a problem - so you have to trust that.

@Lam23

I am not personally attacking your parenting, and I SAID to go with your instinct. I am just saying it's rude and judgemental and wrong, to assume all men who like to be around children are paedophiles, and bringing Michael Jackson into it. FFS! By doing that, you have basically proven my point about you! (That you assume all single men are pedos if they like to be around kids!)

In addition, it's pretty rude to say a man who is single, on minimum pay, living in a flat share, and likes video games, is immature! I know plenty of people who are in relationships, (and married,) and who have a mortgage, and have kids, who are childish, petty, judgemental,and immature! (One in particular on this thread.)

Doesn't automatically mean you're immature if you're single, in a flat share, on minimum pay, and like video games FFS.

And flouncing from your own thread just because you're getting a bunch of answers you don't like, is very poor etiquette.

@Moanymoaner - women are abusers too. If my spidey senses were tingling I'd follow them, regardless of gender.

I agree with a pp-it's probably not grooming-but it's something that you can't take a chance with.

@OpiesOldLady beat me to it. Always pays to be careful.

You're not the only one worried.

Your OH may not have the same instict, but I'm sure he won't think his brother has a normal uncle-niece relationship, particularly as they are not even related.
I'd start by pointing out the odd behaviours when they happen and then have the full conversation.
Every single time make it clear that he is OTT in his displays of affection and presents.

The greatest danger will be when she's older and you won't be able to supervise her all the time.

Let’s not start pretending that men aren’t statistically MUCH more likely to abuse.
The “would you react like this if it was a woman” is an idiotic comparison given how many women even on this thread alone, have been abused by men!

Wow hoppity. Having a bad day? Not sure I understand why you’re attackkng me personally in each of your posts!
I don’t want to “flounce” but this is a super sensitive subject and a specific issue.
A girlfriend of my brothers once offered to take my niece to the toilet (she also had no kids, it seemed like an odd request- the sort of thing you’d do if you were close to the child in a mummy/grandma/aunt way but not a brothers recent gf.) I found that just as odd and turned it down. I’m not excluding this “prejudice” to men, I’m sure young women can be also culpable (although I would hazard that most sexual abuse is male on female. Sorry if that’s an unfair generalisation)

I do think the presents are a good step but dh family all do it really, his mum buys so much for her which has always made me v uncomfortable. Tbh the way dh mum is around dd isn’t too dissimilar, but she’s an older woman with 4 kids of her own so I guess I am less sceptical of her motives

So the step-uncle isn't doing much different from his mother? Is this the way the family treat all the chidren in their family?