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Original poster

Does this sound like grooming? Please help- step uncle

571 replies

Lam23 · 04/03/2019 14:27

Posting for traffic/I’m not sure where else this belongs..
Background if it helps: I’m a mum of a nearly 4 year old. She is very bright, happy, outgoing, completely normal development wise and attends nursery full time. I met dh when she was 2 and they have a great relationship, which has grown over time, i can honestly say I really trust him and she has started to call him daddy which feels natural for us all. Her dad has never been in the picture and we have no contact with him.
I have recently begun to have real worries about her relationship with my dh’s brother. He is 31, unmarried, no kids. Generally quite an immature guy (loves gaming, works minimum wage job and lives in a flat share) but seems pleasant enough since I’ve known him. However, since he met dd at a family gathering probably a year ago, alarm bells are ringing for me more and more and I don’t know if it’s instinct or paranoia. Every time he sees her he picks her ups lot, tickles her, cuddles her, he addresses her as “friend” (seems odd for a 3 year old), he always buys her extravagant presents whenever we see him. She is a trusting kid and I’m beginning to think, too trusting- because of all the positive attention he gives her (and maybe because she lacked a “dad figure” the first couple years of her life?) she absolutely loves him, talks about him loads, nowadays whenever he is there at a family gathering she just wants to go to him and has a tantrum if I say no or keep her next to me. It seems really excessive that she is so into him and that he had instigated this type of relationship with her- dh’s sister, who has kids, has what I would consider a more normal relationship with my dd and is lovely to her but definitely doesn’t push the boundaries. He has now offered to babysit a few times and I refuse point blank each time which I think dh is a little upset by (dh idolises his brother and I can’t talk to him about ANY of this). It happened again yesterday with lots of cuddling, sitting on his knee. My own brothers don’t do this with my dd and I feel like I can’t put a stop to it, but she is so trusting and I don’t know how to protect her. Whenever she needs a male figure she seems to get overly attached anyway, but for me this is going too far. She doesn’t want to be near me or dh when his brother is around, the amount of presents makes me uncomfortable and I feel like the physical stuff in public is a possible first step of grooming. Can anyone please help me understand what to do, it’s a really sensitive situation. Does this sound odd? I would appreciate anyone who knows about signs of grooming etc to weigh in. Do I sound crazy?
Fwiw my mum and sister are both teachers and having witnessed the interactions said that their own instincts were kicking in too and that the developing relationship wasn’t necessarily appropriate/he seemed a little over interested in kids.
Please help, this is stressing me out so much whenever we are around family.

OP posts:
YogaWannabe · 04/03/2019 17:18

That’s a nonsense statistic OpiesOldLady
Even any life experience or opening a newspaper would teach you otherwise.

It beggars belief that even on a thread full of victims and the OP describing a specific person displaying specific behaviors, we still have all the male apologists on! Stomach turning!

Lweji · 04/03/2019 17:20

Something for you to think about, and that may well arise at some point:

If your instincts are correct (and they may well be) this man will keep pushing whatever boundaries you try to put in place, and you will have to discuss it openly with your OH.
Your DD's safety should be paramount, even if that meant separating from your husband because he refused to take your concerns seriously.
Would you?

Who will you put first?

feska5 · 04/03/2019 17:20

and this guys behaviour is rattling me

You have said it all here. Listen to your instincts. A mother’s instinct is seldom wrong. If his behaviour makes you feel uncomfortable that’s enough to be on high alert.

OpiesOldLady · 04/03/2019 17:22

@Yoga - I've far more life experience then I would really like to have when it comes to child sexual abuse, believe me.

@Hooda - I'm really nor sure. Why?

Again, apologies if I've misquoted. I was going on what I was ledoing to believe.

Dillydallyingthrough · 04/03/2019 17:23

OP maternal instincts exist for a reason. Please follow them, reduce contact, ask for presents to stop. The behaviour maybe learnt and there is no issue but you don't feel comfortable and that is all that matters.

Oh and in terms of the male fixation my 2 similar aged nieces flock to males and definitely prefer them to the females in the family - they both have very involved fathers living with them. It comes across as your blaming yourself for being a single parent, you are clearly doing an amazing job raising a confident and happy child - realise what a great parent you are.

hoodathunkit · 04/03/2019 17:24

Also, the reality of "daddy issues", as this sounds a little like projection or transference to me.

I do not understand this.
I understand about projection, transference, countertransference etc. I do not understand your thinking re the OP's concerns

Lam23

You absolutely have to trust your instincts on this one

I have no idea whether this man is grooming your child or is simply a man who loves her in an appropriately boundaried way.

A number of things you report would concern me, especially the referring to your DD as a friend. This is not proof of grooming but it one of a number of red flags that indicate that you need to be vigilant and trust yourself.

Another of the red flags, in my experience, is that he is surrounded by people who can only see goodness in him. This does not mean he is a predator, however predators thrive in those kinds of social dynamics.

hoodathunkit · 04/03/2019 17:29

@Hooda - I'm really nor sure. Why?

Because you are quoting her training courses as reputable sources of information.

You say you attended 2 courses, and you are able to opine with confidence on statistics re offenders from her courses.

Under the circumstances I thought that you might be able to remember her name. I would like to find out more about the statistics and percentages you quoted here.

Lweji · 04/03/2019 17:32

Oh and in terms of the male fixation my 2 similar aged nieces flock to males and definitely prefer them to the females in the family - they both have very involved fathers living with them. It comes across as your blaming yourself for being a single parent, you are clearly doing an amazing job raising a confident and happy child - realise what a great parent you are.

A friend says the same about her DD, who has a SAHF.

Original poster
Lam23 · 04/03/2019 17:33

Ok, that’s really good to know about other people’s dds. Sometimes it’s hard to know what’s normal.

OP posts:
CostanzaG · 04/03/2019 17:39

The problem with posts like yours Charley is it skews people's perceptions and can prevent people making balanced descions based on individual circumstances.

Saying nobody actively wants to babysit is incorrect - I know lots of people who actively want to spend time with their neices, nephews, grandchildren, god children etc. Both men and women. My fil has just asked if he and Mil can take my DS away for the weekend..... nothing worrying there at all.

Broad generalisations like the ones you made are dangerous and go along way to explain why there is a distinct lack of men choosing to work in caring professions such as childcare.

The op is right to trust her instincts and to what she needs to in order to protect her daughter but we should not be going round saying all men who enjoy spending time with children are potential abusers.

BrexitBrexitReadAllAboutIt · 04/03/2019 17:40

The way you describe your daughter's infatuation with this man is just how I was with my step-grandfather. He called me his princess, lavished me with presents and attention. He was also molesting me as a toddler until about 10. I adored him and didn't know it was wrong, despite being warned by my parents/school about sexual abuse. The two things just didn't seem the same in my head.

JollyHolly30 · 04/03/2019 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Lam23 · 04/03/2019 17:44

Ok, so I think the fact that he is her stepdads brother is an indication that the level of infatuation (good word) she has with this man is inappropriate anyway. Best steps would be to mitigate contact by stopping the presents/incentives, and ideally limiting contact until it dies down. That’s where I am with this..

OP posts:
Damntheman · 04/03/2019 17:53

I wouldn't immediately be concerned with what you're seeing here, but you are. So I don't think it's a bad thing for you to listen to your gut, particularly not if your mum and sister feel the same. I hope it's just innocent and this guy understands! If he acts like a dick about lessened contact and fewer gifts then he wasn't worth keeping around anyway.

clairemcnam · 04/03/2019 17:53

I used to work in childcare with male workers. What put men off working in childcare was the shitty wages.

CostanzaG · 04/03/2019 17:57

Claire that's one reason (applies to a number of women too) but many boys don't get to the stage of considering it as a career option in the first place..... societal expectations and stereotypes have a much bigger impact than most people realise. Narrow minded views like the ones I've seen on here perpetuate those stereotypes.

Stargazer888 · 04/03/2019 17:58

You say dh's whole family is like this. If bil behaves like his mother with kids this seems a lot less concerning.
That said I would continue to be aware.
I agree with others though that given you have known your dh less than 2 years there are much bigger issues going on here.

Roomba · 04/03/2019 18:01

I would trust your instincts tbh. The behaviour itself isn't necessarily a huge issue - DS had a relationship like this with one of my male friends at this age. Absolutely adored him - YAY uncle x is coming round! He'd spend hours entertaining him. Now DS is a teenager they are still great mates just more on the same level now humor wise. But nothing ever made me 'feel funny' or question myself or his behaviour. If your gut says something is weird here, don't just ignore it.

QueenAnneBoleyn · 04/03/2019 18:03

Trust your instincts.

ideasofmarch · 04/03/2019 18:04

Just rtft, and then gone back and read your OP again.

Yep - my spidey senses are tingling too. I suggest that you keep your daughter away from this man.

CornishMaid1 · 04/03/2019 18:05

I will play Devil's advocate for a moment.

I don't think it is fair to say childless people would not voluntarily babysit - I would offer for my DNephew with no qualms. Perhaps he has had a conversation with DH and DH has said you don't go out very often or he was just offering to be nice, not because he wants access to your DD.

He is affectionate towards your DD, but you say that his mother is exactly the same and you are only not worried about her because she is female. Perhaps they are doing it to make an effort. Your DH has only been in her life for a couple of years, she does not have her bio dad's side, so perhaps they are just trying to make an effort to make her feel welcome into their family, which just seems like too much effort to you.

I used to buy my DN gifts a lot, although not extravagant ones. I think it is easy to stop those by saying that she is starting to expect it and you want to stop her acting spoilt. Again, that could just be their way of making DD happy and making her feel welcome.

Even though it could all be innocent and you could be reading things into it, I am a firm believer in instinct and, right or wrong, if your instincts are saying something is off then you need to listen to them or you will never forgive yourself.

I am sorry that so many of you have suffered abuse during your lives so Flowers for you all.

Speakeasy22 · 04/03/2019 18:09

Definitely trust your instincts. I did thank goodness. When you speak to him about the presents can you somehow imply that it is inappropriate. If he thinks that you know he has ulterior motives he will back off. Nothing needs to be said overtly. If it’s all innocent he will just think you’re a bit odd. In my experience he will be trying to assess your response to his behaviour.

YogaWannabe · 04/03/2019 18:26

I will play Devil's advocate

As if the world is short on them when it comes to issues like this

WhereIsMyTVRemote · 04/03/2019 18:31

A friends husband used to push to babysit our child even though we barely knew him. I didn't like it. Some dubious stuff came out a while later and friend divorced him sharpish. Trust your gut and don't worry about someone else's feelings. Just say I'm trying to teach her some boundaries with people and tickling etc is frowned upon at school, could you go easy on that please.
And, we are really trying not to spoil her so we appreciate it but no gifts please.

Decormad38 · 04/03/2019 18:38

Trust your gut instincts. Theres two people that I had that feeling about. They both turned out to be dodgy. One was Jimmy Saville before it all came out!