Does this sound like grooming? Please help- step uncle

[Lam23]

Posting for traffic/I’m not sure where else this belongs..
Background if it helps: I’m a mum of a nearly 4 year old. She is very bright, happy, outgoing, completely normal development wise and attends nursery full time. I met dh when she was 2 and they have a great relationship, which has grown over time, i can honestly say I really trust him and she has started to call him daddy which feels natural for us all. Her dad has never been in the picture and we have no contact with him.
I have recently begun to have real worries about her relationship with my dh’s brother. He is 31, unmarried, no kids. Generally quite an immature guy (loves gaming, works minimum wage job and lives in a flat share) but seems pleasant enough since I’ve known him. However, since he met dd at a family gathering probably a year ago, alarm bells are ringing for me more and more and I don’t know if it’s instinct or paranoia. Every time he sees her he picks her ups lot, tickles her, cuddles her, he addresses her as “friend” (seems odd for a 3 year old), he always buys her extravagant presents whenever we see him. She is a trusting kid and I’m beginning to think, too trusting- because of all the positive attention he gives her (and maybe because she lacked a “dad figure” the first couple years of her life?) she absolutely loves him, talks about him loads, nowadays whenever he is there at a family gathering she just wants to go to him and has a tantrum if I say no or keep her next to me. It seems really excessive that she is so into him and that he had instigated this type of relationship with her- dh’s sister, who has kids, has what I would consider a more normal relationship with my dd and is lovely to her but definitely doesn’t push the boundaries. He has now offered to babysit a few times and I refuse point blank each time which I think dh is a little upset by (dh idolises his brother and I can’t talk to him about ANY of this). It happened again yesterday with lots of cuddling, sitting on his knee. My own brothers don’t do this with my dd and I feel like I can’t put a stop to it, but she is so trusting and I don’t know how to protect her. Whenever she needs a male figure she seems to get overly attached anyway, but for me this is going too far. She doesn’t want to be near me or dh when his brother is around, the amount of presents makes me uncomfortable and I feel like the physical stuff in public is a possible first step of grooming. Can anyone please help me understand what to do, it’s a really sensitive situation. Does this sound odd? I would appreciate anyone who knows about signs of grooming etc to weigh in. Do I sound crazy?
Fwiw my mum and sister are both teachers and having witnessed the interactions said that their own instincts were kicking in too and that the developing relationship wasn’t necessarily appropriate/he seemed a little over interested in kids.
Please help, this is stressing me out so much whenever we are around family.

Lam, it is absolutely not your fault. You sound like you have your priorities where they should be and going the extra length. It takes a lot of guts to have the realizations that your having and like I said this shows the true love you have for your daughter.

You should be proud of yourself.

Your guilt might’ve overshadowed your self esteem a bit. I wonder whether anything your in laws or DH has been saying to you or treating you that ever made you feel like this insecure about your “baggage”.

Having all those regrets won’t help you or her. Look forward.

Instead of

“I wish I never made the wrong choice and resulted in a fatherless child”

Say

“The good thing that came out of my divorce is my amazing daughter, who I know I have the ability to be a role model to and I will try my best to empower her so she knows that she doesn’t need to rely on men in her life to feel complete”.

Perhaps a bit of therapy for yourself might also go a long way.

I know this is hard to hear :(, but I wonder if you might be facing some issues of co-dependence yourself ? Only because this might be coming in the way or your self esteem.

I was in a similar position to you OP. I had to work on my self esteem and make a content decision to let my bond with my son be stronger than anything else around, to keep him protected form manipulation. And that did wonders.

I just wanted to say that I think you are a great Mum, and your daughter is lucky to have you. I hope that you get the outcome you want with your husband

This is a tough thread to read OP but I think you're heading down the right route. As many others have said, trust your instincts.

If you go with what you feel is right, you're setting your DD a great example about how her needs are most important, and the role that a parent should play in a family, that of protecting and guiding the child.

If the man's intentions are genuine, he will understand when you say you would like to give yourself & DD some space from the family so she can develop her own boundaries and learn more about healthy attachment, and form more socially appropriate close relationships. Also, the cartoon interest is out, full stop.
Good luck and stay strong!

It’s easy to be regretful or angry in hindsight I didn’t tackle it immediately but maybe I did feel grateful? I had a lot of shame about my situation and personal baggage. I was vulnerable too.

OP, your life and history aren't baggage. None of what you bring to your marriage is baggage; it's simply your past.

I met DH when DS13 was very young. In a similar sort of situation; he was always the apple of MIL's eye and her Golden Child, she didn't take too kindly to him meeting a woman who'd previously had a family, and tried to exercise some control over me via DS13. We're many years on and throughout our marriage I've had may snide comments like "you landed on your feet when you met DH, didn't you?" from her and my only way of handling her is to be direct and shut her down (DH calls me the spade to the face because my words are so blunt) with "Yeah, I was really hoping to marry a premiership footballer but he'll do for now". It kills her that he's not her Golden Child any more, and kills her more that I'm not the meek and mild wife she'd hoped he'd find. What she hates most, though, is that her control (which she'd extend far and wide) gets shut down. So I reply to her texts when it suits. I'm always polite and civil, but when she sat at our house complaining that I breastfed in front of her, I pointed to the door and said "off you pop, then". You can do it with a smile, you can do it with a laugh if you're being bolshy, but don't dance to their tune any more.

The long and short of it is that you have every right to stand up; for your DD but also for yourself. You don't have to feel grateful that they "took you on" or "accepted her like their own GC". They're bloody lucky to have a lovely DIL and GC, they're the ones who should be counting their blessings, not you. Know your own value and know that you and your DD are treasures to be cherished, not tolerated.

Thank you fudge that post brought a tear to my eye.
I have started today by deciding that because I don’t want to respond to MiLs message which stressed me out, I am not going to. Instead I am reading more about boundaries and also planning a trip to the aquarium with my dd.
It’s taken me a long time to stop feeling worthless/like damaged goods but I can feel myself changing and getting stronger! Sometimes I don’t know WHY Ihave cared so much what dh family think.

Hi Lam, glad to see this is still moving forward - I hope you feel supported on here

Out of interest - how did the question of marriage pop up so soon? I am guessing that your DH proposed - 'swept you off your feet'-?

Am I right-?

Oh, and -

you say upthread that this isn't really about you and DH so you don't want to derail so to speak...

I would disagree. I think it's more about your relationship with your DH than ANYTHING else.

It's about your right to be yourself in your relationship. It's about your right to parent as you see fit - especially when this man you didn't even know two years ago ISN'T her parent. It's about railroading, and controlling behaviours, and possibly... this not being at all the right situation for you and your DD...

I think the one positivd here is that you can walk away and have no contact with the lot of them, and they won't be able - even DH- to have contact with your daughter.

Time for some frank conversations I reckon. The least that should happen is that BiL backs off with all his weird shit.

This week I have started to really question my life as it stands. This issue is definitely about me accepting stuff that I didn’t have to accept. And about getting my life back.

• stagnating in my job and unmotivated. Dh says he is tired of my depression due to this and is encouraging me to quit. He said he’d love me to have time for myself, it sounds too nice to be true. Having given it thought though- he has quite often dangled leaving in arguments and so I don’t feel that secure in our marriage. Also I would be isolated and lack the social contact I do get at work before picking up my dd. However also it would not be a good idea to resign without another job, for my own financial independence, responsibility to my dd, and pension contributions. I will therefor enot be resigning and am going to try and improve things via training or something. but feel nervous as I think dh will say I’m not dealing with my depression. Tbh I think a lot of my depression comes from the ups and downs in our relationship however..
• dh has said he wants kids in the next couple of years and he sees us staying in the same city for at least 5 years. I don’t like it here and my dream is to live abroad which I could do if I stay working in my industry. I also don’t want any more kids for a while and more to it, I am dreading the idea that my ILs will be even more engulfing over our child. It’s already happening with dh’s DNs.
• I don’t look forward to things with dh anymore, I prefer to do things with my dd or friends. This could be due to his mood swings.
• I am exhausted from running our whole household, doing childcare and working full time in a demanding job
• I want to use my annual leave for a 2 week trip away in the next couple of months to get some headspace and decide what to do eg about my career. Dh will not agree with this as he wants us to take our leave at the same time, later on in the year.
• I don’t know if I love dh the way I used to or want my life to be like this.

I wish I could just exhale and be completely brutally honest about this all (including the boundaries things) to my dh but I already know how it would go. Him taking it personally or guilting me.

I feel somewhat trapped and as if I just want to run away with my dd and start again!

Wow- didn’t expect to say all that..

Hi OP. I think it's really good you're recognising both your bil's and your husband's behaviour. Also, you've done everything for your daughter with the best of intentions so please don't beat yourself up.

Just to add my own experience to the mix which will hopefully be helpful:

My dad left my mum before I was born and I had no contact til I met him age 16. She felt much the same as you I think - self esteem on the floor, knackered, dealing with a ton of social stigma inc feom my grandparents who housed us but made it very clear I was her sole responsibility amd they didn't condone her unmarried mother status.

She met and married my stapdad within 18 months. He was and is extremely controlling. This would be my first suggestion: if he is controlling of you, how do you think he will be with her? My relationship with my stepdad not only meant I would never have trusted him with anything personal, but also drove a wedge between my mum and I. I felt betrayed because she had chosen him over me, and never stood up for me when he was emotionally abusive even though in private she would agree with me. I am not saying that this would be ypur exact situation, but a controlling husband defo has potential to become a controlling stepdad which coild have a real impact on your relationship with dd.

One of the knock ons from this was that, when I was groomed and abused age 13/14, I never told my mum. I completely understand the desire to give your daughter a father figure, but there are ways to do that which - like her relationship with your brothers - have appropriate, healthy boundaries. Finally, it is not your fault her father left and your awareness of the potential fallout of this event will mean you can mitigate it: lots of talking, therapy if she would benefit from it, again facilitating healthy uncle relationships.

Oh and also, echoing animé views - it's creepy as fuck, terrible terrible representation of women and young girls. Even the stuff aimed at 12 year olds, it's vile.

Trust your instincts and good luck xx

You seem to feel trapped and stifled.

And yet you are not as your DD is yours and not his. That’s a huge open door there for you to walk out of.

If I were you I’d be out of there.

I don’t know if I love dh the way I used to or want my life to be like this.

The way that you used to? You have known this man for around 700 days. That's all.

I will go right out on a limb and say what a lot of others on this thread will be thinking. You need to think about getting out of this. I think you've been propelled quite cleverly into a speedy marriage and 'engulfed' by your DH as much as anyone else in his very worrying family. There is nothing in your posts above which suggest that he is anything but controlling, manipulative and not particularly on your side. You are only now beginning to see this because you're only now actually getting to know him.

Please don't make the mistake of thinking 'But we're married, he's my DH, therefore this is a huge thing to do' - he's only your DH because it's all happened far too fast. In real life, he's a guy you've known for less than 700 days.

Don't doubt yourself. Definitely talk very honestly to your family for an outside view, though.

A week or two away, you and your dd, somewhere so you can have fun together, and use the evenings for thinking sounds like a really good idea right now.

So you do all the household chores, as well as working full time and looking after DD?

What the hell does he do?

He wants you to give up your job, making you financially dependent on him, and he also wants to trap you with having babies.

The more you say about him, the more I think you should leave him, and for god's sake, don't quit your job, and make sure your contraceptive is rock solid.

Motoko he does nursery drop off twice a week and he does do most of the cooking (for me and him.. I cook for dd earlier as he gets in late). I can never think of things for him to do though when he says I should ask if I want him to do something! It just doesn’t “feel” equal. I dunno. Side issue I guess!
I am actually on 2 forms of contraception due to other meds’ so that’s all ok. Not quitting my job that’s for sure.

Fizzy is right. Two years, 24 months, 100 weeks, 700 days or however you want to see it is nothing in terms of 'knowing' someone.

Especially when it sounds like you were in a fog of depression, full time work, lone parent of a toddler as you describe.

It's completely understandable that you weren't in a position to think more than five minutes ahead at this time. My memories of having young children often feature recalling that I simply didn't have the time or mental space to process anything properly. All the stuff going on at the moment, nor all the stuff about my own childhood that having children brought up, let alone thinking cooly and calmly about the future.

Take that holiday with your dd. You need the time to think and the time alone with her.

Again, if your dh objects to this, you'll know exactly where his priorities lie.

Op you mentioned pnd. I had pnd and during that time I made reckless, foolish and regretful life changing decisions for my whole family (dh didn't pursude me not to unfortunately) including moving cities and starting a new full time job when I was ill-prepared and sleep deprived! So I do feel for you and can understand how mothers in early parenthood can make choices that would never usually make. Pnd affects mothers in different ways and I am a 'fixer' type person and thought making these big changes would fix it!
My youngest is 5 now and I am back to normal but it did take a few years. I don't know how our marriage survived but we have been together for 15 years so there was no early relationship rose tinted glasses involved.

OP I urge you to seriously look into leaving him and starting again. I bet the relief would be immense

I don’t feel it’s right to scaremonger OP into leaving her husband based on assumptions :S

I think it’s best to start putting up some boundaries and insist on them and take it a step at a time. Based on how things unfold you can decide what to do

So I gather he doesn't act this way with his blood relative neices/nephews? Maybe he focuses on her as she can be targeted without feeling like he's disloyal to the immediate family. Not sure if this makes sense they way I've written, or if you'll know what I'm getting at.

Don't quit your job.

How does your stepbil behave towards his other nieces if he has any ?

Dora just whenever we talk (at an event or even on his family chat) he acts in a superior manner, very condescending and/or constantly trying to one-up me.I have put it down to insecurity but it’s no less annoying. You just get a feeling from some people and we do tend to sort of give each other a wide berth which is why his connection to my dd is extra odd.

Could it be that he senses you don't buy his act?

I would also be concerned that he may be saying things about you to DD.