MIL makes comments about my weight 😡

[Noyourenot]

I’m not overly large (UK size 14 and 5ft 8in) but compared to the ILs I am. They are all short and tiny apart from SIL who is my height and about a size 10.

I am sick of the comments. MIL always compares me to SIL but she has a completely different figure, no bust or hips. I don’t want to say anything because MIL is the type if she knows she’s got to you she’ll do it even more, but I want her to stop. (I’ve told DH not to say anything for this reason, though she tends not to do it in front of him or in a way it goes over his head. One of the first times she ever did it was in front of DH and he said something so she’s more sneaky now).

It’s got to the stage where I don’t like to eat anything in front of her because she’ll make comments.

AIBU if I just stop seeing her? It would mean DH wouldn’t see his parents as much as I am the one that makes arrangements and I’m certainly not setting up play dates for him and his mother! So he just wouldn’t bother.

Being related - by blood or by marriage - does not entitle anyone to bully or constantly criticise someone else’s appearance.

What would you do if a friend or colleague was treating you like this, OP? I assume you wouldn’t tolerate it and would eventually either tell them to piss off or have nothing to do with them.

Same goes for MIL. Stop arranging get togethers, for starters. If you have to see her and she does say something, nip it in the bud immediately. A PP had it spot on when they said bullies get away with it because nobody stands up to them. Treat your MIL as you would anyone else and tell her that you will not tolerate her comments.

@JayneyMc4

I'd shame her and reply 'well your son certainly likes my fat arse and tits' 😂😂 Doubt she'll answer back. 😂😂

That's fecking brilliant! Just change it slightly to 'your son certainly likes to bury his face in my fat arse and tits!'

Become a rude cunt. Just like your MIL.

DH used to have an cousin who was 15 years older than him - he still does but we went NC about 9 or 10 years ago. She used to constantly comment on the weight of me and my 2 kids. Never DH, even though he was 2 stone overweight, and I was only about a stone overweight about 11 stone (and 5 ft 6, so not huge!)

Our kids were both fairly normal, average sizes, but DD1 had a little pot belly on her and bit of puppy fat. She was 11-12 ish, and on the cusp of puberty. Maybe 7-10 pounds overweight.

His cousin made comments every fucking time about DD1, and how I need to feed her salad and not chips! She said it really loudly, so everyone could hear. Never said anything to DH obviously, only had a dig at me all the time about DD1. She also slagged off the younger one sometimes saying they need to not eat biscuits, as they will end up 'a little fatty!'

She frequently said to me that I looked lovely on my wedding day, as I was ever so thin.' And made comments when I put ANY piece of food to my lips, (about my weight, my bum, my belly, my hips.) Telling me (with several people listening,) that a fat mother can't look after he kids properly. She was so rude and nasty. I have no idea why, what I did to deserve it, or why she thought it acceptable to say stuff.

I burst into tears after DD1 came to me sobbing, and said 'mom, auntie Pat said I need to not eat smarties coz I am already a little chunk, and I'll be like jabba the hutt!' I told DH in no uncertain terms that 'PAT' was no longer welcome in our home, and me and the kids were never going to hers again, and she was an evil, twisted cow.

He rang her and told her she was out of order with his comment, and that she has upset me and the kids a number of times, and she is not welcome back unless she apologises to us all. She said she had never known such ludicrous, childish behaviour, and I need to grow up and stop being a baby, and she had the right to point out things that would cause health issues in me and the kids. DH was 2 stone overweight and she never said anything to him! It was only ME who got the 'fat' comments, and ME who got the blame for our kids being supposedly fat. (They weren't!)

So anyway, DH said 'in that case, we don't want anything to do with you, because you're very rude and you've upset my wife and kids. Until you admit you're wrong, and say sorry, we want nothing more to do with you. Don't contact us again unless it's to apologise.' Then he slammed the phone down on her,

That was 10 years ago. Never heard from her since. Not sorry.

Luckily she lives 50 miles away, so we never have to see the toxic cunt.

I'd go with what Pictish said just ask her politely to repeat what she said, just keep asking her to say it out loud again. Then smile at her.

Bold fail pictish

Sounds like my Aunt - absolutely weight obsessed. I'm the same size and height as you and I don't consider myself particularly fat. Do you think she's maybe a bit jealous of you? To me she sounds very insecure - she is probably fully aware that she would never see her son if it wasn't for you making arrangements.

Best comment of the day goes to @JayneyMc4. I so badly want the OP to actually say this! 😂

If he doesn’t arrange anything that’s not your fault.

This sort of undermining infuriates me. I always think silence is acceptance but they often 'poke' to get a reaction. So any sneery put downs I just walk away while saying: 'it's very poor social etiquette to make negative comments on someone's appearance". Since I've used it on a couple of bitchy work colleagues:both instantly silenced & had no comeback. Neither have tried it since & they've been noticeably embarrassed when having work contact. I didn't stay to argue about it, as to me that implies you can be steam rollered with the usual "you're too sensitive. And don't make the effort to spend time with toxic people.

Well she's obviously going to keep doing it until you say something - some brilliant suggestions on here. Don't just not see her, she needs telling

How fucking rude!! Tell her to fuck off while shovelling cake into your gob! If you upset her you won't have to see her again - win!

We had this for 20 years, every time we arrived at in law's they would say "oooh, you've put on weight haven't you"...or grab their son's belly and laugh. They weren't thin themselves. We ignored, ignored and ignored....until my dh finally popped one day and said "dont say that, it's so rude, really bad manners", and I bet you don't say that to him...pointing at their beer swelling tattooed, beer bellied favourite son". It went silent. Wished the floor would swallow me up. Then Mil said sheepishly.."We do". When we got to the car the whole family whoop whooped him and did high fives. They passed away not long after.

An alternative to telling her to fuck off is to show her you really don't care.

Make that sandwich or jacket potato or whatever. Eat it in front of her and as soon as she says something - "That's a rather large portion isn't it? Are you sure you should have that much?", take a massive bite and say "Yep" and just grin at her. Or whatever appropriate response to her scathing remarks.

Literally show her you don't sodding care 😂😂

I'm 5'7" and a size 14. I am in proportion. I have a healthy BMI and I workout. There is nothing wrong with your size 😂😂

My mil buys me pjs or underwear every Christmas (she never remembers my birthday) which is always 3 sized too small. Despite me telling her every year!

Regardless of your Mil’s comments, why are you making the arrangements for seeing her? Surely that is done by your DH, her son?

Was also going to say what Pictish said. In fact, due to my poor hearing I’d ask for her to repeat it several times and then “reflect” it back to her to clarify that I had understood.

It might be that this is just an excuse to get at you. If she didn't have this, it'd be something else.

You can't change her. You either lower yourself to her standards of how to treat others and say something totally out of character for you such as.. in a calm manner. Do not make personal comments about my body ever again. Got it? Of she says you are being sensitive say something nasty back call her an old ugly hag.

If that is too much. Don't go back. Say you're at the gym. When DH notices you haven't made arrangements. I dont know.. what can you say?
God these bitches so nasty because they're jealous and insecure.

I also agree with pictish - often people make these little off-hand, under-the-radar comments because they know the people around them won't think too much about it and will chuckle along. If you ask them to repeat it, suddenly everyone is actually listening and it soon dawns on them that it's actually not a comment which makes them look big or clever, but it makes them look like a dick. She will either back off or double-down, but then at least you've opened up an avenue of discussion about the issue and can tell her where to stick her opinion.

My dad does this. It took me years to realise that my dad was the culprit when it came to monitoring my weight and not my mother as I had thought.

The last time it happened I raised my voice to a firm, Charlton Heston as Moses boom (making them leap out of their skin) and said ' THERE WILL BE NO FAT SHAMING IN MY HOUSE'

Now to stop them commenting about how pleased they are that the DCs have inherited their dad's long and lean look......

My uncle was similar even though he’s fat himself. I used to be very skinny but put on weight over the years and we randomly met him in the supermarket. He looked me up and down and said ‘i’m Going back to weightwatchers. You should think about it!’ DH looked at him and said ‘hmm difference is that Fluffy doesn’t need it!’ I luffs that man.

Write individual replies and lost my post when I changed pages, sorry.

To sum up, the sort of thing she says is “I bought everyone Christmas pyjamas but did not get you any because I didn’t think they’d fit”. I don’t say anything to her, I mean what can you say to that sort of comment?

If I didn’t make arrangement, MIL would eventually ring DH. She did this when I was ill. DH would ignore the hints for a while and then eventually give in to stop being nagged at. This is what he did before he met me.

“I bought everyone Christmas pyjamas but did not get you any because I didn’t think they’d fit”. I don’t say anything to her, I mean what can you say to that sort of comment?

'I am tired of you making snide digs about my body. This ends now' said in a loud, no-nonsense voice. These fools normally quake when actually confronted.

I couldn't be arsed with plotting to expose or deflect her nastiness. It's not a one off thoughtless comment. It's a sustained campaign. She's more than had her chance to play nice and hasn't taken it.

Stop arranging meetups and leave her to your dh. He can do the arranging and then the explaining if and when she asks but whatever you do don't get caught up in any ensuing dramatics.

MIL visited me in hospital less than 24 hours after my C section. Her comment was that I looked 'quite drawn and peaky and not at all like SIL ( who had had a vaginal birth) who looked quite radiant
Sadly this was well before the days of MN and I just smiled weakly

I would go with your initial instinct and just stop seeing her. I would not make arrangements and, if asked about it, would tell DH “I haven’t felt like fixing a time to meet. I just don’t enjoy her company because she always mentions my weight/shape.”
It’s not actually your job to facilitate their meetings but sadly you can’t join him any longer because after months/years of putting up with it, you have decided to withdraw. It’s not your responsibility. It’s hers. No drama - just no more of this.