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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WIBU?- Roadside shrines

442 replies

Arnoldthecat · 03/03/2019 08:13

This is more of a ..would i be unreasonable....to not want a roadside shrine directly outside my house/garden gate/in close proximity..?

OP posts:
Piggywaspushed · 03/03/2019 15:31

If it was my house , I would have laid flowers there, too. And given to the charity.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/03/2019 15:32

Meandmetoo, it's not a 'class' thing as such because most people don't subscribe to this nonsense. It's always though that people who feel entitled to do whatever they please that will litter, because that's what it is.

Why do some people feel the need to impose themselves on others? Why do we need instructions 'not to do' these things that were never engaged in before? It's upping the ante all the time and it's pure attention-seeking.

howwillwedeal · 03/03/2019 15:32

@Piggywaspushed but you could've given more without the flowers, that's what's needed! The children can't be looked after with flowers.

Piggywaspushed · 03/03/2019 15:35

There are pictures today of youngsters placing flowers at the spot where Jodie Chesney died. It is a way of coming together and processing grief. The police will, after an agreed time period, clear these away.

There really are very very few large memorias that stay for a long long time. The ones that hang around tend to be the small ones, that really aren't botehring anyone.

The horrible of the mother was recent : ultimatley, that memorial, too will go.

Again 'Brake' say there should be no time limit on people's grief.

fluffiphlox · 03/03/2019 15:35

Totally naff. I’d have to remove it if it was near me (in the dead of night if necessary). So utterly tasteless. And pointless.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/03/2019 15:36

Jacques, we have a long, straight-ish 50mp bypass road that has a few kerbs. They're not for parking on but some utter morons held up traffic the other day to stop, park with two wheels up whilst they nipped out to affix more stuff to a lamppost.

The women who died (10+ years ago) caused a collision because she was talking/texting on her phone. Several others hurt. These people do not see the irony at all in stopping where it isn't safe to add more crap to a shrine. It didn't even happen at that point but there's no convenient lamppost there.

Piggywaspushed · 03/03/2019 15:37

Many a time have I given and received flowers. I have never felt they were wasted. Justgiving etc is compaartively new and I am more than sure a great deal of money was given. Flowers are more of a physical marker. I refuse to judge.

NunoGoncalves · 03/03/2019 15:37

but you could've given more without the flowers, that's what's needed! The children can't be looked after with flowers

Same goes for funerals. Funerals don't help prevent cancer or heart disease! Imagine how much more could be done if people just donated the money they spend on funerals (which are expensive) to cancer and heart disease charities!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/03/2019 15:37

howwillwedeal, quite so. But donating money isn't as visible, is it?

howwillwedeal · 03/03/2019 15:39

@Piggywaspushed so who in the case of the mother is gaining from the flowers? You're alive and receiving flowers that you can see....totally different and quite honestly a ridiculous comparison!!

looselegs · 03/03/2019 15:41

People grieve in different ways and often want to go to the place where their loved one lost their life.
Having said that, I personally don't like them. A teenager was killed on his push bike a few months ago at a very busy junction near me. A massive shrine was made to him on one if the main signposts- clothes,scarves, bike helmet,flowers, soft toys, candles....it was a massive distraction- the junction is bad enough without anything to take your eye away from the traffic- and just became a hideous eyesore very quickly. In the end the council had to clear it and got slated because of it.
There was also a fatal stabbing on the other side of town. The locals decided it was a good idea to spray paint messages across shop fronts where the lad died. I'm not unsympathetic but I'm sure I wouldn't be too impressed if it was my property.
A few flowers are ok. The rest is not, when it affects other people who didn't know the person who died.

howwillwedeal · 03/03/2019 15:42

@NunoGoncalves what's the alternative to a funeral......throw them overboard from a boat?

Also in this case as I've stated the children have no parents, no income and are currently in foster care, Money is needed to repatriate their mothers body to her home country and potentially move a family member to this country to look after them.

But as @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe says donations are not visible!

howwillwedeal · 03/03/2019 15:43

@looselegs but no one is saying they can't go to the place to grieve!

limitedperiodonly · 03/03/2019 15:44

I do not have time to copy and paste the numerous snobbish comments on the thread. I cannot help you if you cannot read subtext

Oh, okay then Piggy, you just want me to take your word for it. Fuck that.

Piggywaspushed · 03/03/2019 15:44

how, I meant I had given and recived flowers when people have died. You don't know how the mother feels about the memorial, in all fairness.

Piggywaspushed · 03/03/2019 15:45

No, limited I would like you to RTFT.

howwillwedeal · 03/03/2019 15:46

@Piggywaspushed are you deliberately missing the point?

Piggywaspushed · 03/03/2019 15:47

I am genuinely astonished by the number of people on this thread who say they would go out in the middle of the night and remove someone else's memorial. I find that shocking. Am consoling myself with the fact that it is unlikely to happen.

Piggywaspushed · 03/03/2019 15:48

No how. The point is am I bothered by shrines,memorials in public spots. Not in the slightest.

howwillwedeal · 03/03/2019 15:49

@Piggywaspushed I'm shocked that people want these shrines in the first place and if anyone started one for say my DH, I would be removing it. Neither of us like them and it's not about grand gestures of grief display.

limitedperiodonly · 03/03/2019 15:49

No, limited I would like you to RTFT.

I have done piggy. You just make no sense

howwillwedeal · 03/03/2019 15:50

No how. The point is am I bothered by shrines,memorials in public spots. Not in the slightest.

This makes no sense to me!

Piggywaspushed · 03/03/2019 15:51

If a complaint is made by a member of the public about the placing of flowers or other items, that complaint should only be given consideration if the items are immediately outside that person’s house, for example on a lamp-post directly next to their front gate, or a verge directly next to their drive. The complaint should also only be given consideration if more than 6 months has passed since the time of the crash. It should never be considered on or around an anniversary of the death.
Genuine complaints that meet the above two criteria should result in a period of mediation between the member of the public and the bereaved family, with a mutually-satisfactory resolution reached. An example of satisfactory resolution could be, for example, a smaller flower arrangement, or flowers only placed at certain times, such as birthdays and anniversaries of the death or deaths. This mediation should take the form of phone calls or meetings, not impersonal letters, which should always be undertaken by a trained bereavement officer, and not by staff who are inexperienced in working with bereaved people, such as a highways officer. A bereaved family should never be forced to meet a complainant face to face, but if they wish to do so, to state their case, then the complainant should be given that opportunity. If a face to face meeting is arranged, it should always take place in a confidential environment and in the presence of the mediator. Bereaved families should be able to bring along a relevant advocate, such as a police family liaison officer. If a resolution cannot be reached, external organisations such as Brake should be consulted and involved, although this is unlikely to be necessary in most cases.
Flowers or other objects should not be removed on the basis that they are posing a distraction to other motorists. The argument that temporary or permanent road death memorials are a distraction is entirely moot when considered against the many other distractions on the edge of our roads, some of them floral (for example, colourful flower beds planted on verges and on roundabouts by local authorities, sometimes spelling out the name of a town or a message). Other distractions obviously include signposts to tourist destinations, shop fronts, bill boards, and many other items, including people on pavements and other road users. If a driver notices bunches of flowers placed in memory of someone who has died, then it is highly likely that they will also recognise these flowers as an important reminder that someone has died on this road and it is important to drive carefully. In that sense, flowers are a less invasive or hazardous road safety message to drivers than road signs saying ‘X people killed on this road in X years’ which are commonly placed by authorities themselves. Flowers are biodegradable, and unlike road signs (which are made of metal), pose no danger to vehicle occupants in a road crash.

limitedperiodonly · 03/03/2019 15:52

TL:DR

Piggywaspushed · 03/03/2019 15:52

Since I apparently make no sense ( I think simply because I don't agree with you), I have now resorted to copying and pasting something which I hope makes sense.