WIBU?- Roadside shrines

[Arnoldthecat]

This is more of a ..would i be unreasonable....to not want a roadside shrine directly outside my house/garden gate/in close proximity..?

[Guavaf1sh]

Agree they are ugly and unnecessary but I would never try and remove one as the type who like the whole shrine thing are also the type to assault you for messing with it

[Myimaginarycathasfleas]

That is so sad, Cats, what a terrible loss.

[JRMisOdious]

Lots of councils don’t allow them because they can be a distraction to drivers. Maybe check what the by-laws are in your area. I certainly wouldn’t remove one myself though: if they aren’t allowed there’ll be an officer who will be trained to deal with bereaved families sensitively.

[UtterlyDesperate]

I read an article on dark tourism that dated the start of this practice in the UK as Hillsborough- presumably, I suppose, because the majority of grieving relatives weren't from Sheffield, so used Anfield as their site of commemoration. I suppose also that it was the largest domestic tragedy since the war (is that right, actually?) so captured the public imagination (so went beyond those involved and their families) even before the height of the scandal became clear.

I don't recall the exact details, but I found it quite compelling: the author was arguing that the "Diana effect" was only heightening a tradition that had already become established.

[StoneofDestiny]

certainlymerry
I have seen this situation played out in so many parks. Grotesque. So much tat tied to benches you can't even sit down. No way is this to do with 'respect for the deceased' - its performance mourning (though it can't really be called mourning).

I heard in a previous place I lived that a tacky floral memorial was tied to a persons fence - the person who owned the fence was actually suffered greatly a terminal illness and this 'cemetery' outside her front window distressed her beyond measure.

Everybody is grieving someone, or will be at some point. No way do we need mock cemeteries outside hospitals, homes, public parks and every byeway. It needs a law to deal with it.

[NiceNewShiny]

What a very sad story Cat.

I can't imagine if I were your kids that I could ever think of the happy memories whilst passing by the site of the boys death. Rather than thinking of the good times I imagine I would just be reminded of how truly awful his death must have been.
I haven't been in the same situation or anything remotely similar so I don't really know but I would think I would want to remember a friend or family member somewhere with happier memories or at least somewhere more neutral.

[SingleDadReally]

In my memory they first started after the IRA bomb in Warrington. Mind you, there’s one on the South Downs Way commemorating a crashed German fighter pilot which is quite touching. Having said that I do find these things feels like a public area is being taken over for private grief, gratuitous grieving and in your face mawkish sentimentality. Whatever happened to having some dignity and grieving in private. Every football match seems to start with a minutes silence or applause for the latest over inflated “tragedy”-usually someone who’s had a long and successful life dying of extreme old age. We’re all going to die so get over it!

[Pegnes]

I do understand why people do this when they are mourning but i wouldn’t want one outside my house long term.

There is a park near us and i noticed one there the other day but it was starting to look very old. It did make me sad as i realised it was a teenager and there is a motorway there so we were wondering if he had died in a traffic accident or took his own life as it is an area where people will run out into the motorway... awful.

As a side note when i was in school there was a girl who sadly died in tragic circumstances. When it was her 18, 21st and presumably her 30th birthday her family would write in to the local paper and wish her a happy birthday. I don’t suppose mourning ever ends x

[Myimaginarycathasfleas]

I have every sympathy with people who have lost loved ones in RTAs but it’s time councils quashed this practice and guided people back to the graveyards and gardens of remembrance where those being commemorated are interred/remembered.

[derxa]

I don’t suppose mourning ever ends x No it doesn't. I mourn the deaths of my DM and DF but they were old. My DB died far too young. Our lives were all shattered. I'll never get over it. We didn't have a roadside shrine but I would never condemn anyone who did. Obviously the people who laid a shrine to the man who was stabbed when he tried to rob a pensioner's house were just trying to intimidate.

[Arnoldthecat]

What about shrines for deceased pets? If your cat or dog is unfortunately run over,would a shrine close to the spot be acceptable?

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

I would say the inconvenience is NOTHING compared to the loss . So suck it up really ?

[SingleDadReally]

.....and what about shrines for wild animals and insects mashed under the wheels of motor cars.????? We’ve gone right through Catholicism on our way to Buddhism now!!!!

[StoneofDestiny]

What about just keeping cemeteries as the place to lay dead flowers and giving money to an appropriate good cause that might do some lasting good - surely a more fitting memorial for a loved one.

A handful of bulbs that flower annually on the side of a road would be so much better than rain soaked rotted flowers and random items. A lovely tree planted in someone's memory where relatives and friends can visit and see grow........so many areas encourage that now.

Or if people must hang up dead flowers in cellophane and assorted mementoes - let them do it in their own gardens.

And yes - I'm mourning various friends and relatives (who isn't), but don't expect people who never new them to look at my mini cemetaries outside their homes, parks and play areas. It's positively grim.

[manicmij]

Can't understand why people do this. It makes absolutely no difference to the fact a person has died even tragically. To see the flowers all wither to me would make the situation worse. Some people who didn't even know those involved lay flowers. Then someone is left to clear it all up. YANBU to not want one at your property but mass hysteria would probably set in if you objected. Until these displays are banned afraid we just have to put up with them.

[TakeNoSHt]

The type of people-?
Sad grieving heartbroken humans?

[SingleDadReally]

I think we should all remember the wise words of Bob Monkhouse. When asked by Michael Parkinson how he’d like to be remembered he said he’d prefer to be forgotten. 99.99999% of us will shuffle of our mortal coil and in a hundred years time will have been utterly forgotten-unless there’s a rubbishy shrine of petrol station flowers being maintained somewhere 💀!!

[TakeNoSHt]

Nothing wrong with remembering where someone took their last breath probably alone without any family or friends to help. It happened to a member of my family, we planted bulbs to flower around the time of their birthday. I know someone killed by lorry driver error on their bike, there is a ghost bike. I also know people killed as pedestrians when a car mounted the footpath some only children all seperate incidents. Floweres are left, prayer cards etc tied to lampposts. People should not be so judgy and maybe put themselves in the shoes of the people left behind with many unanswered questions.
Are flowers left in the UK remembering the lives lost in terror attacks tacky?
If there is a problem the council will deal with it

[ReanimatedSGB]

Any and every display of flowers/balloons/mouldy teddies that is not actually in a cemetary is tacky and the work of sentimental, attention-seeking twats, tbh. Cellotaphs are ugly, smelly, a waste of resources and a nuisance. As several PP have said, you don't get to clutter up hospital beds with crap, or other people's front rooms because someone you know dropped dead while visiting them.

[StoneofDestiny]

knew not new 🙄

[llizzie]

People lay flowers at a death scene because they feel they want to do something to help the bereaved. Personally I have never done this and I have very mixed feelings about the practice, but if it relieves the anxiety folk feel when there is a tragedy and it helps them deal with it, then I think we should accept it and not let it pray on our minds.

[Catsinthecupboard]

Thank you for your kind words. I wish i could give them to his parents.

Regrading my dc remembering him; It's been 2 years, i hope that they remember him fondly, perhaps with a smile, now. He'd left a party and people had tried to stop him. While my dc knew him, the people he had been with immediately prior have had more difficulty than mine.

The details were devastating to all the young people, all the people, in our community.

Our ds has begun making window breaking tools. He sells them, gives them to friends and family and they are in all of our cars. It's been a profound effect on them.

It is difficult to write about. But i wanted to give a different perspective about memorials.

I used to see an older man and a child tending a white cross by my mother's. I wondered if it was the child/parent's marker. Their marker wasn't acting for attention; they had to walk through a field and down an embankment.

Before my dc's friend died, i thought much like other posters. But, since then (I've mentioned before, apologies) my dd was hit while stopped, by distracted drivers, and received traumatic brain injuries. She's recovering, although will probably not fully recover.

At this point, if anything at all helps people drive more safely, i'm for it.

I am not trying to "get attention" by posting this. I don't even seem to be able to write clearly about this. I'm sorry.

My dd, that poor young man, his surviving twin, our community. Most of us are lucky enough to love and be loved. If a marker helps remind us to be more careful and thus helps avert tragedy, i don't mind clutter.

I just wing up a prayer and try to drive more carefully.

[sparkling123]

I don't have a problem with them, but then I lost 2 School friends in car crashes on rural roads before I was 18. Losing someone in a car crash is horrific for the family, they never got to say goodbye, and I think they serve as a better reminder to drivers to slow down than any official road sign.
I don't think you're being unreasonable, they can look tatty, but this is a life that's been taken early so a little bit of clutter on the roadside seems like a trivial thing to be annoyed about.

[Tudorprincess4564]

I asked my dad when he was dying if he wanted flowers and a shrine. He said I'd prefer it if you took your foot off the oxygen pipe

[Arnoldthecat]