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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do you do if one child is grounded but other isn't?

251 replies

Fullofregrets33 · 03/03/2019 08:00

Morning. I am having a really rubbish weekend. My husband has grounded our son who is 7 for the weekend he has to play in his room and can't join us on visiting relatives, going the park, out for lunch etc.

Aibu to be really pissed off about this? Our kids are still young and I'm still getting to grips about what I think are suitable punishments for things. I think my husband has been too harsh this time and it has really spoilt our whole weekend as a family.

My husband and I have fallen out over it and aren't speaking to theres a horrible atmosphere in the house, the dog is crying and pacing up and down constantly because my son is his playmate and they are separated.
My daughter now has noone to play with so she's playing up. We usually see grandparents, just me and daughter went so they were upset to not see my son. And now got another day of it. One parent staying home whilst the other takes daughter out.
It has made the family really disjointed and the weekend has been just horrible. I feel like all of us are being punished, not just my son.
My husband and I disagree over almost everything, and I am far too soft but I just want this weekend to be over

OP posts:
goldengummybear · 03/03/2019 14:18

Does your h have any friends who are parents? If my 7 year olds were repeatedly naughty at school then going to bed an hour earlier would feel like a punishment to them and would have the bonus of the next day feeing like a clean slate. Why is the tv and toys still in his room? The punishment would be bliss for a teenager.

If your son tells an outside person about this punishment, you risk the chances of a SS referral.

DointItForTheKids · 03/03/2019 14:32

Best thing for this family golden, sadly.

Original poster
Fullofregrets33 · 03/03/2019 15:22

I'm not sticking up for my husband but I don't see how my husband sending him to his room for one day out of his whole life of 8 years constitutes enough to be referred to social services.
Cahms also assessed our parenting techniques and spoke in length to us, we were very open. I asked to go on parenting courses and they told us it wasn't needed. His next step is having some counselling to try to get to the bottom of it so they can decide on that then if they thought appropriate

OP posts:
WhatFreshHell · 03/03/2019 15:33

OP, if leaving your son to stew in his bedroom were a one-off aberration on your husband's part, it would be ridiculous even to mention social services (though you did say in your OP that it was supposed to be for the whole weekend). Every parent on the planet has surely done something stupid/imposed a punishment they regret/etc. The thing is: most normal parents regret it and don't do it again. They acknowledge that they have been ridiculous, and that they did something stupid in the heat of the moment. If this were the case with your husband, you wouldn't have been concerned enough to post on here. He would have imposed this ridiculous punishment, you would have pointed out that it was ridiculous, and he would have told your DS he had over-reacted. This didn't happen. Hence you are rightly upset and concerned.

Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump · 03/03/2019 15:48

Grounding is for kids who are old enough to go out alone. It means they aren’t allowed to go out with their friends. Not that they can’t go on family outings.
It’s definitely not solitary confinement.

That definitely is abusive.

TruculentandFarty · 03/03/2019 15:49

I have a DS who was all over the place at school at that age. I found that going to the playground after school for at least an hour helped, heavy suty sports helped even more when he was older but basically it came down to later on being diagnosed as ADHD. First initial screening didn't show it. Luckily we had a really supportive school that gave him opportunities to burn off energy at the beginning of each class which made a large difference.

For my son keeping him in his room for long periods of time like a whole weekend would have made the behaviour much much worse.

I found Ross Greene and his "Children do well if they can" approach helpful for helping my child be successful at school (which he ended up being). I used his philosophies in having conversations with school who also (initially) wanted to class my child as a naughty child.

TruculentandFarty · 03/03/2019 15:51
DointItForTheKids · 03/03/2019 15:54

You ARE sticking up for your husband despite your MANY posts where you outline a life with him that is not okay in numerous, multiple ways - you're asking for help as though it's this one incident, when it isn't at all. That's minimising. You need to read about 'the cycle of abuse' and gain understanding that you are in an abusive and controlling relationship. That's the first step because you're not hearing the nitty gritty of the help and advice people are giving - just persistently deflecting and justifying.

TruculentandFarty · 03/03/2019 16:11

This one in the series might particularly appeal to you

So as much as your DH is being a jerk to your son, at the root of it, he cares enough about your son to try and fix the problem. He is heavily misguided, but if you listen to the first video you can probably see that your DH (and a bunch of supposed professionals -- school) is working on the presumption that your son is behaving poorly because he wants to and that if he makes it unpleasant enough that your son will chose differently.

Perhaps the solution would be to sit down and talk to DH in a non-judgemental way and acknowledge that you can see that DH is trying hard to fix the problem and that you know that he feels that you really aren't but perhaps as the "does well when they wanna" approach isn't working that you'd like together to try the "does well when they can" approach for a set period of time to see if it helps.

singwhenyoureswimming · 03/03/2019 16:19

Your son sounds like hard work in a classroom.

Remember there are other children and if he’s shouting out, demanding attention and telling lies then that is disruptive to the other children.

I think your husband has a point grounding him. Your son might start to learn that his naughty behaviour is unacceptable

Rubadublin · 03/03/2019 17:52

Singwhenyoureswimming DFOD.Biscuit

WhatFreshHell · 03/03/2019 19:00

Well said, @DoinItForTheKids

lyralalala · 03/03/2019 19:08

I don't see how my husband sending him to his room for one day out of his whole life of 8 years constitutes enough to be referred to social services.

Your husband didn't plan to send him to his room for one day though. He planned to isolate your son completely for a whole weekend.

goldengummybear · 03/03/2019 19:33

I don't see how my husband sending him to his room for one day out of his whole life of 8 years constitutes enough to be referred to social services.

You must realise that this an unnecessarily cruel punishment or you wouldn't have posted in the first place.

goldengummybear · 03/03/2019 19:34

A whole weekend means Friday night, Saturday and Sunday right?

JRMisOdious · 03/03/2019 20:08

Stuck in a classroom all day apart from one 10 minute break and lunch (as stated) is not a normal timetable for a UK state primary School now, is it? Mine were KS1 a long time ago now but I think 7 year olds should still be getting 55 min lunch and two 15 min breaks, morning and afternoon.
Is your son in a state School?

goldengummybear · 03/03/2019 20:09

My kids are in secondary now but didn't get an afternoon break in ks2. A morning break plus lunchtime is the norm ime.

JRMisOdious · 03/03/2019 20:10

I don't see how my husband sending him to his room for one day out of his whole life of 8 years constitutes enough to be referred to social services.

Apologies, I thought you had said he’s 7?
Either way, still KS1 yes?

JRMisOdious · 03/03/2019 20:12

So KS2 is 7 years old?

I’m a dinosaur. My 16 year old gets 2 breaks and lunch (but they start at 8.30 and work until 4.30, private for secondary).

If they only get one break at 7 I’m not surprised they’re pent up 😳

iloveruby · 03/03/2019 20:13

A parent should be protecting a child from harm - physical or emotional.

You need to take steps to resolve the situation so that your husband is not able to manipulate or bully anyone. If that means leaving him then that is what you are going to have to do otherwise you will be facilitating the abuse.

DocusDiplo · 03/03/2019 21:18

I feel sorry for this kid. Really sorry.

Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump · 04/03/2019 13:50

Your dh wanted your 8 year old child in solitary confinement for a whole weekend.

Even if it’s only one day, a whole day withholding interaction and stimulation, denying a young child company and adult affection, is abusive.

The answer to your question in the title- because grounding isn’t excluding from family activities - is that when one child is grounded, they don’t go out with friends and maybe miss an extra curricular activity. The other child carries on as normal. Because ‘grounding’ is for older kids. Shutting a 7/8 year old away is not grounding, it’s abuse. An hour perhaps, a whole day - unacceptable. You have a responsibility to stand up to your husband and safeguard your ds.

outpinked · 04/03/2019 14:00

Your husband isn’t the ‘boss’ of the household at all. You are both adults, both parents and both have equal responsibility.

This doesn’t constitute grounding. Grounding is most effective with older children who play out with friends. This is basically imprisoning your son for the weekend, utterly harsh and unnecessary. I remove technology and other such treats from my DC if they misbehave.

EllenMP · 04/03/2019 17:34

Wow, a whole weekend of solitude for a 7 year old? That's way out of line. Also, confinement to your room is not "grounding", it's isolation, and frankly inhumane. I would absolutely refuse to go along with it. Your husband sounds like he has issues and is taking his anger out on his poor son. It's appalling and you need to stand up for your children. You have equal parenting rights and he should not be bullying you or the children this way.

zen1 · 04/03/2019 18:04

IME Camhs are shit at recognising and diagnosing ASD. Has he been assessed by a Developmental Paediatrician (you can get a referral through your GP)? If you have the money, I would get him assessed by a private speech and language therapist and a child psychologist. I know many children displaying the behaviours your son is exhibiting and all have recognised SEN.