What do you do if one child is grounded but other isn't?

[Fullofregrets33]

Morning. I am having a really rubbish weekend. My husband has grounded our son who is 7 for the weekend he has to play in his room and can't join us on visiting relatives, going the park, out for lunch etc.

Aibu to be really pissed off about this? Our kids are still young and I'm still getting to grips about what I think are suitable punishments for things. I think my husband has been too harsh this time and it has really spoilt our whole weekend as a family.

My husband and I have fallen out over it and aren't speaking to theres a horrible atmosphere in the house, the dog is crying and pacing up and down constantly because my son is his playmate and they are separated.
My daughter now has noone to play with so she's playing up. We usually see grandparents, just me and daughter went so they were upset to not see my son. And now got another day of it. One parent staying home whilst the other takes daughter out.
It has made the family really disjointed and the weekend has been just horrible. I feel like all of us are being punished, not just my son.
My husband and I disagree over almost everything, and I am far too soft but I just want this weekend to be over

Overriding the punishment part-way through isn't going to help anyone. Consistency is key and you should stick to what your oh has said or you'll really struggle to get your son to do as he is told in future. Realistically, a weekend in his room with all his toys and joining family for meals isn't going to cause any damage. I would tell your other half not to use it again as a punishment but would ride it out on this occasion.

Why can't one of you take your daughter out while the other stays home with your son?

Poor little boy :(
He should be outside, running around, getting fresh air and exercise. I feel really sorry for him.
Solitary confinement for 2 days for shouting out in class and lying to protect himself from a potential Draconian punishment - What on earth will your 'd'h do if he does something's that actually requires punishment?

You need to discuss with your DH some suitable, age appropriate consequences, that can be implemented after you've both had a chance to cool off and discuss his behaviour. Never inflict a punishment in the heat of the moment, that's when the punishment can be over the top.

Personally, I would be looking to reassess my relationship with my DH, as I couldn't live with someone with such differing parenting styles.

I'd also be' love bombing' this child, how unloved must be be feeling right now, isolated from his family, the people they are supposed to love him unconditionally?

• the people that..

Wouldn't call what you've described as actual grounding. I don't think grounding is an appropriate punishment for a 7yo purely because it's not really grounding is it? He's not been stopped from going out with his friends as I'm assuming he usually wouldn't be anyway. He also still has all his toys and tv. Regardless, I think you need to let it stand this weekend otherwise you're undermining your husband as a parent and your son will think he can get away with it. I think the two of you need to come up with more appropriate punishment in the future that also doesn't affect the whole family. For instance, no tv or no treats. There should also be rewards for good behaviour otherwise there's no incentive for him to change his behaviour.

Ah Op your son sounds like mine . My son is also borderline ADHD and even now at 13 (almost) he sometimes shouts out (impulsive behaviour) he has been in trouble loads but he just can't help it . Their brain is wired differently and it's not naughty . Re the lying , there is better ways of dealing with it and grounding him for a whole weekend is not the right way. Your husband sounds horrible , like he probably doesn't really like the kids tbh and you sound a bit fearful of him but I think if you stand up to him now he may think twice in the future. He (and others on this thread) sound like they're still in the "children should be seen not heard" era!! Of course there has to be boundaries but parenting has to be a two way thing, both singing and agreeing off the same hymn sheet otherwise it doesn't work!!

To put is quite simply, your son is having a crap time at school, so having a crap time at home is unlikely to help

Grounding is for teenagers, who would be going out independently.

I don't see how letting him watch TV all weekend is a punishment for him really. Much more for the rest of the family - with a big dose of making ds feel excluded and sad, which is different from punished. My similar age dc would quite like being allowed to watch TV all day. In fact, withdrawing television is one of my fallback 'basic' punishments.

As pp have said, this doesn't address the issue, or help him learn or feel motivated and encouraged to overcome it.

I'd talk to the school again and let them know what's going on at home. Dc who play up at school are sometimes the ones who can't behave badly at home - because they're scared to, have adult caring responsibilities etc. It's much healthier the other way around.

I've read your other posts OP.
It doesn't take a genius to work out that your little boy's problems stem from his father's complete rejection and emotional detachment from him.
The short term answer is that you need to overrule your DH.
FWIW I wouldn't normally punish a child at home for something already dealt with at school. I would also try reward before punishment. As a last resort punishment needs to be proportionate and age appropriate.
For a 14 year old who has done something quite serious - grounded for the weekend - which means not allowed out with friends, nothing else.
For a seven year old who has been defiant - no tv for the rest of the day, nothing else.

If he goes to school and tells an adult what's happened to him all weekend it will be raised as a safeguarding issue.

He's 7.

People need to calm down! Labelling the H as abusive for partially confining a seven year old to his room where he has access to a TV and toys is ridiculous. It’s a punishment that I don’t think will pay dividends, especially in light of possible SEN but abuse is a stretch.

A potentially undiagnosed SEN and a dysfunctional family dynamic is not an environment that screams happiness for a young child.

OP, there are many posters on here that have unfortunately had to go into battle for their child so that they are adequately supported at school and at home. Check out the SEN board for support.

@AgentJohnson no I think the abusive label comes from OP's previous posts! H clearly has some controlling issues .

He has been to 2 schools. From nursery to now it is 5 years. From day one we have been called in on almost a daily basis to say he's too over excitable and shouts out, causing distractions to others.
We moved his school thinking it was a school problem but it has continued here. He doesn't cope well in a classroom environment. outside of school he is intense, loud and bouncy but doesn't need to hold it in because there's no need to at home. We as parents have tried lots of techniques, school have tried lots of techniques and he still blurts out, it's almost like tourettes but it's only in school.

Its very frustrating for all involved

I simply can't believe that two schools have said on a daily basis for five years that he isn't behaving as he should for his age and nothing further has been done to help him.

Something was done. We referred to cahms who assessed in and out of school.

If that’s so, what does CAMHS think about isolating him for a weekend?

We are currently playing board games. Hes not being punished today now as I've told husband that's enough now. Son is bouncing round loud shouting, singing as if nothing has even happened. Nothing works. Now husband will see that his way doesn't work

There are obviously many issues. But if he’s bouncing around being loud, board games won’t help much. In the grand scheme of things it won’t change much, but maybe get him out in the fresh air for a couple of hours, he needs to burn off that pent up energy.

All behaviour is communication - what is your son communicating with the repeated unwanted behaviour at school? You need to get the root of that to stop it.
The punishment is too harsh and is actually making everyone miserable, so pretty pointless.

There has been research that shows that being out in nature can help calm children with adhd traits. Google it.
Fresh air and a runaround calms most children down, regardless. Take him out instead of playing board games.

Punishment doesn't work because it isn't motivation that is lacking.
Show DH the graphic I shared earlier.

Btw referring to camhs should be something that happens alongside school doing something themselves.

I don't need people telling me to take him out. I spend most of the day outside with my son. We are having a game that he asked to play, then getting ready then going out.
He struggles at school because he's in a classroom all day with only a 10 minute break then lunch.
If he's not had a good day they remove his playtime which makes it worse. I'm sick of it all

He is a 7 year old energetic boy who was indoors all of yesterday.....he needs a few hours outdoors burning off energy. Take him for a long walk in a forest, on the beach, park or wherever is close to you.

I have a ‘difficult’ boy older than yours. Punishment is no screens with an extra effort to do something active as a family. If it’s mid week we go for just a short 20 min walk after dinner, despite any protestations he may make. The difference in behaviour during and after the exercise in fresh air is amazing.

You should remove the tv from his bedroom too.

If your DH is a high earner the best thing to do would be to pay for a private Ed psych assessment. Choose someone who has an understanding of attention and impulsivity.
Then the school will get some proper advice instead of a cycle of negative responses which, as you point out, exacerbate the problem.

Oh cross posted with you. Ignore that so.

But what behaviour do you want from him? Sitting cowed in a corner? That would show the punishment has worked? That's not a reasonable expectation - surely you can that.

It's all very strange. He doesn't sound well supported and no-one's worked out how to deal with him effectively. Poor wee lad.

If he's been stuck in watching screens; maybe you could take him out for a runaround and get rid of some of that energy - and let him shout a bit.