What do you do if one child is grounded but other isn't?

[Fullofregrets33]

Morning. I am having a really rubbish weekend. My husband has grounded our son who is 7 for the weekend he has to play in his room and can't join us on visiting relatives, going the park, out for lunch etc.

Aibu to be really pissed off about this? Our kids are still young and I'm still getting to grips about what I think are suitable punishments for things. I think my husband has been too harsh this time and it has really spoilt our whole weekend as a family.

My husband and I have fallen out over it and aren't speaking to theres a horrible atmosphere in the house, the dog is crying and pacing up and down constantly because my son is his playmate and they are separated.
My daughter now has noone to play with so she's playing up. We usually see grandparents, just me and daughter went so they were upset to not see my son. And now got another day of it. One parent staying home whilst the other takes daughter out.
It has made the family really disjointed and the weekend has been just horrible. I feel like all of us are being punished, not just my son.
My husband and I disagree over almost everything, and I am far too soft but I just want this weekend to be over

Your h has handed out an insane punishment.

Your son doesn't go out with mates so staying at home isn't a punishment.

He has access to TV and toys -again not a punishment.

The length of punishment is ridiculous.

His sister is being punished too. This will lead her to lie about his behaviour so they aren't separated in future.

The sort of punishments that are better

• treats taken away like his favourite dessert after supper, not being allowed to go to a party
• screen time taken away
• early bedtime
• he can help do some boring jobs like gardening, clear out the garage etc It's raining and windy here this weekend which makes it more unpleasant.

Do you think that you are too soft as you feel you have to counteract your husband being too strict? (I'm assuming that you are too soft and not simply softer then your h)

My brother was that excitable kid at school. He used to be allowed to bounce around the classroom because he just wasn't able to contain it. He sees that now as proof that he was a really difficult child and by extension a problematic adult. To me it is clear he was like that because the atmosphere in our family was stiffled and full of underlying tension that could blow up at any unexpected moment. I remember feeling that we were expected to be 'no bothers' at all time but that 'bother' included lots of things that I can now see in my children is just normal children's way of expressing themselves. When in school, without that oppressive regime, my brother felt, I suppose, that he could let go of the pressure he put upon himself to 'behave'. With your husband being the way he is, I wonder if the same thing is going on for your son.

OP:

I was (note: was) married to an emotionally abusive man. He wasn't EA to me directly, but he was to DC1(who has AS) in particular. He was a great one for ridiculous OTT punishments. Solitary confinement for a 7 yo falls into this category.

He says you are 'too soft', and you sort of believe you are too soft. Is it possible that your 'softness' is just a reaction to your H being so far in the opposite direction? In my marriage, I ended up being 'soft' with the DC just because he was so harsh with them. I am no longer soft with them, because I am not having to counterbalance anyone else's hardness.

If you do think your DS has ADHD traits (and a lot of children - boys in particular - might seem to present with ADHD traits when they're really just being 'normal', bouncy children), getting rid of his bedroom TV might be a start. No child needs it, and one who evidently has a lot of energy to burn off needs it even less.

Moreover, I'm not keen in general on using bedrooms for punishment. Bedrooms should be nice places where children feel happy and settled, not least as they sleep better in them if they have good associations. Turning a good, safe place into a prison is downright stupid.

His school is evidently not that helpful. Depriving an active child of playtime is another daft punishment. Rather than focussing on his behaviour, they need - together with you - to try to get to the root of why he acts in the way he does. There may be no particular reason, and he may grow out of it. But if there are things to unscramble, they are easier to unscramble now, rather than 10 years down the line (which is what I am trying to do with my DC now).

FWIW, which may not be much, divorce is horrendous. But it is better than living with a man who is cruel to his own children.

From day one we have been called in on almost a daily basis to say he's too over excitable and shouts out, causing distractions to others.

But 5 years ago, he was just coming up for 3. What kind of nursery would say that?

^He struggles at school because he's in a classroom all day with only a 10 minute break then lunch.
If he's not had a good day they remove his playtime which makes it worse. I'm sick of it allall^

That's actually pretty bad. If he doesn't have the chance to let off steam at break, I can see why he is noisy and distracting in class.

My DS now 14 was that active little 7 year old, full of energy, loud voice (still has), talking a lot and distracting others in class. It doesn’t always mean SEN, some children just aren’t quiet and compliant and get over excited, my DS was once in lots of trouble for running to get a book, the teacher thought it was a terrible example of disobedience, but he’d been keen to get that particular book. He matured and grew out of it all, in fact Y3 was the peak of it.
Does your DH understand this?

You need to find a way to deal with this at school.
He needs more time to be active, not less. How ridiculous.
Would a fidget spinner or squeezey ball in the classroom help?
A runaround before school?
I’m sure there are ways he could have an outlet during school time. Have around around it and find out a way that helps your child.

Grounded meant no playing outside in my children’s youth. Not being shut in a room all weekend, way, way too harsh!

To me the punishment is all back to front!

Surely it would be a bigger punishment to take away the fun stuff (tv and toys) but make him join in the not so fun family stuff like visiting relatives?

I realise I am completely missing the point of the thread, and yes your DH does sound like a controlling arse but at the same time you do also sound like a pushover.

I don't think either of you are helping with your sons behaviour problems.

Vulpine
My kids are not abused but have been sent to their rooms for more than 5 minutes (what's the actual point of that!) on occasion, and I would be more than happy to ground them for an entire weekend if needed!

They haven't got access to a tv or screen in their bedroom though and I personally would make mine walk the dogs or just get outside, which is healthier.

I do love the "removal from any social interaction" nonsense to describe a punishment . and I really want to know how sending them to bed without diner or just pudding would be described

Stinky candle have you even read all OPS post?

my2bundles
have you even read all mine?

I don't agree that grounded a child is abusive in itself!
I also don't think that the OP situation is healthy.

What the OP decribes is not grounding.

Has he seen educational psychologist? Is home schooling an option?
I wish people would stop talking about punishment and think reasonable appropriate consequence

Is home schooling an option?

In this home environment?

OP, have you looked at Pathological Demand Avoidance? I'm not an expert by any means, but your boy sounds like one in my class who has this diagnosis.

Goodness me Em3978 that sounds exactly like him in every single way. It completely sums him up. (I've just googled and read about it). I've never heard of that before.

Because it's classed as a part of autism I don't know how I can get him looked at for that or diagnosed because the people at cahms said he absolutely hadn't got autism because he doesn't match any of the critea. Any advice from anyone?

So OP I had a quick look at your other posts to get abit of background info.
It seems to me that it is the home life that is causing the problems not the other way around.
You have said your DH doesn’t seem to like or even love his children. He makes unreasonable demands of them and then they play up. You know you should really consider leaving him but don’t want to lose the financiall stability.
I think your DS is very stressed and it is manifesting itself at school . I also have a tendency to interrupt when very stressed , I talk to myself and behave irrationally. . It now my sign I am getting stressed, so I take a step back and things get better. Your DS can’t do this an£ so thecycle continues.
It is a very hard thing to do bu5 you need to get a grip on things and do something about your family dynamics. What ever that is.

Pathological demand avoidance (preferably "extreme demand avoidance") is an anxiety based set of behaviours that can occur in autistic youngsters. PDA is not a subset of autistic youngsters but is dimensional within autism. (This finally established in a paper in the Lancet last year; Green et al if you are interested).

If your son is not autistic but is showing PDA- type behaviours then they are probably also anxiety based.

It is NOT a "syndrome". I assume publications will catch up with research eventually.

@Fullofregrets33 - With holding affection and belonging in a family is a terrible form of punishment. Would be much better to remove the tv from his room (very young for such a privilege anyway) until the behaviour at school stops.

Maybe have an agreement as a couple that punishments are agreed in advance?

Sounds like you are in a hard situation in your marriage, it must be hard. Good luck.

Eh? I thought grounded was an American expression for not being allowed to play out.

My friend told me she has grounded her 7 year old the other day. Since he doesn't go anywhere alone I wondered what she was on about.

I am a lone parent to a 6 and 9 year old. I can't prevent an activity for one child and not the other as a punishment so it's never suggested.

That's the whole point of the punishment though never - DH gets to lord it over, manipulate and control THREE people! OP, DS and the other child - he's literally controlling and manipulating every single one of them! It's dreadful. That's what it's done for, to demonstrate his power and control over every family member.

Why are you putting up with this?
It's verging on emotional abuse of your child.
Remember the Supernanny program? They sat on the naughty step - 1 minute per year age. I'm not saying put your son on the naughty step, he's too old for that, but just trying to get you to see the time-perspective. A whole weekend? Shut in his bedroom? - which should be a place of refuge, not a prison cell.
And as for the 'husband is boss' shyte - what, are you living in 1872? Stand up for your son. Decide an appropriate punishment - removal of a favourite toy, earlier bed time, no sweets, whatever - these are appropriate for a 7 year old. Introduce a reward chart for positive behaviour, most 7 year olds love these & might encourage your husband to focus and look for positive behaviours. Sounds like your husband needs a behaviour chart too, but that's another thing altogether.

Also, speak to your child's teacher and come up with an action plan for his behaviour in school.

I would say that he's acting like his father rather than there necessarily being a SN. Your son sees his Dad act "the boss" and is probably recreating that at school with his teachers and peers. Not sure what acting the boss entails but I suspect that the boss sets rules, ridicules rules set by others, overrules and ignores people etc which are behaviours that you can't have at school.

You need to be stricter and your h needs to be kinder. Isn't he sick of being strict while you are the one who gets to dole out the hugs and sympathy? Your son will be fully aware of your fucked up parenting dynamic with your h and will see the situation at home like the one at school- there's no consequences for being mean.