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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do you do if one child is grounded but other isn't?

251 replies

Fullofregrets33 · 03/03/2019 08:00

Morning. I am having a really rubbish weekend. My husband has grounded our son who is 7 for the weekend he has to play in his room and can't join us on visiting relatives, going the park, out for lunch etc.

Aibu to be really pissed off about this? Our kids are still young and I'm still getting to grips about what I think are suitable punishments for things. I think my husband has been too harsh this time and it has really spoilt our whole weekend as a family.

My husband and I have fallen out over it and aren't speaking to theres a horrible atmosphere in the house, the dog is crying and pacing up and down constantly because my son is his playmate and they are separated.
My daughter now has noone to play with so she's playing up. We usually see grandparents, just me and daughter went so they were upset to not see my son. And now got another day of it. One parent staying home whilst the other takes daughter out.
It has made the family really disjointed and the weekend has been just horrible. I feel like all of us are being punished, not just my son.
My husband and I disagree over almost everything, and I am far too soft but I just want this weekend to be over

OP posts:
kingfisherblue33 · 03/03/2019 09:42

My husband and I disagree over almost everything
My husband is "the boss" in our house yes

What's your son's bad behaviour at school?

Sounds like you have more issues than this one-off.

JRMisOdious · 03/03/2019 09:42

Grounded in his room for a whole weekend at 7 is completely out of order: I’m not surprised he’s acting up at School.
Are you working with the School to resolve the problem? If so, are they aware of the punishment your 7 year old receives at home? If not, I wonder if it’s because you’re embarrassed to tell them (because you know it’s wrong too I expect).
No one person should be “the boss” in a 21st century, first world household. That’s just wrong. You’re a unit, decisions should be reached jointly by all of the adults.

Rubadublin · 03/03/2019 09:43

This is horrendous.

A child with known SEN traits isn’t coping with school and then gets isolated at home. Jesus Christ.

Just because he didn’t pass a diagnostic benchmark on one day doesn’t mean he had to be treated like there are no issues. This poor boy. His self esteem must be on the floor!

DointItForTheKids · 03/03/2019 09:43

Incredibly thank god for one sane voice on here that can see the bigger picture of a bullying, abusive man. I think we need look no further for the DS 'reasons' for misbehaving at school. That's something school should be working on with the parents and tackling through school.

How is it that so many people cannot see that this is a nasty, unpleasant, abusive man at work here?! Especially in the context of the OPs many other posts which only further support that this is the case.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 03/03/2019 09:44

For me @Di11y's posts sum up the views I most agree with on this thread (other people say the same, but I think this poster says it really well).

and, FWIW, I do think that keeping a 7 yr old in their bedroom for an entire weekend is an abusive act and if this was a disclosure made at school it would be taken very seriously.

StinkyCandle
I don't think ANYONE is saying this:
I know the fashionable trend is to lecture, threaten and not follow through, but we don't all have to be fashionable do we

I think poster after poster is saying there SHOULD be consequences, but these should be immediate, related to the 'crime' and followed through. And, more important than any 'punishment' should be understanding the reasons for the behaviour and dealing with those underlying reasons.

Do you have children? Because you write as if you don't.

@Fullofregrets33 I'm sorry for your weekend. But this sounds much worse than just a bad weekend for you all. Flowers

DointItForTheKids · 03/03/2019 09:45

Does the child have SEN Ruba?? SEN, or the outcome of 8 years of living in an abusive and controlling household......

Rubadublin · 03/03/2019 09:45

The only one benefitting from this is your fool of a husband who doesn’t have to deal with a child who might have some traits which are irritating sometimes.

You have a massive husband problem here. And he’s damaging your child in the process.

AgentJohnson · 03/03/2019 09:45

Posted before the update. OP, you are going to need to advocate for your son. The school can’t have it both ways, either his behaviour is a problem or it isn’t. I can’t offer advice about getting support for whatever is going on with your son but he clearly has issues and needs someone to advocate on his behalf.

Slowknitter · 03/03/2019 09:46

It's not so much that being confined to your room for a weekend is inherently abuse. It's just that it's a) not a helpful punishment for a 7 year-old b) is allowing tv while banning healthy, positive interaction and activities with family members which might actually help overall with his behaviour and c) seems like it's more to do with an angry, possibly abusive, father wanting his son out of his sight than a rational consequence for poor behaviour. The latter is especially relevant if the child's behaviour may well be partially caused in the first place by his father's treatment of him and the rest of the family.

Sosad2004 · 03/03/2019 09:46

Ok I think the lying needs a punishment, depending on how serious the lie was, and this shouldn’t be being banished to his bedroom for the weekend. Most kids will tell lies to a certain extent though!
7 is still young, he sounds impulsive with the shouting. The school should have techniques for dealing with it, and you somehow reminding him, going over his behaviour at home.

Rubadublin · 03/03/2019 09:46

doinitforthekids that’s an excellent point.

kingfisherblue33 · 03/03/2019 09:47

This is a completely disproportionate punishment for bad behaviour that's going on at school. I'd push for more tests. Do you think your ds really can't help calling out? What's his behaviour like out of school?

You should be supportinng school with measures they take to help/punish your son but weekend-long punishments of isolating your ds are completely OTT and draconian. And they won't work.

Beechview · 03/03/2019 09:49

What is he shouting out in class? To answer questions or just randomly?

What’s he like at home? Does he shout out at home too?

There’s a reason why he’s ‘naughty’ and you have to deal with that reason first.

He’s a 7 yr old child. He needs loving parents who care for him and meet his emotional needs. Not shut him off by himself for a whole weekend.
Is he getting enough sleep, fresh air and exercise?

JRMisOdious · 03/03/2019 09:49

“This has been going on for 5 years”

I seriously hope you werent punishing a 2 year old for “shouting out when he shouldn’t”!

What kind of school is this, where parents are called in because their lively 7 year old “shouts out” when he shouldn’t and tells the odd whopper? Good grief. Teachers are perfectly well trained to deal with these trivial issues.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 03/03/2019 09:50

If I was 7 and my father was like this and I was in trouble at school, I reckon I'd try to lie my way out of it too so he didn't find out. Many 7 year olds lie to try and get out of trouble, even without draconian parents at home.

fleshmarketclose · 03/03/2019 09:51

FGS all this for shouting out in class at seven? He told lies? Well most children do to avoid getting into trouble at some point. I cannot believe that any sane person would think the punishment is fitting for something so minor. I hope your child does tell the school because somebody might just join the dots and open your eyes to the living situation you are exposing your children to.

FloatingthroughSpace · 03/03/2019 09:52

I'm a child psychologist.

Children don't shout out 'in order to' be naughty.
If you ask him if he should shout out, he would be fully aware that he should not.
It is not a lack of awareness of the rules or a lack of motivation to stay out of trouble that is causing this (he wants to stay out of trouble; he even lies to try to protect himself. He sounds scared).

The reason he shouts out is because he has a lagging skills that makes it harder for him to not shout out. This is probably to do with impulse supression or working memory.

Punishing him will not help.

Rewarding him for remembering not to shout out might help a little, as at least he'll be getting positive feedback and can start to feel better about himself. He may need a visual reminder eg to hold a "hand up" card during Q and A sessions.

Shouting out is irritating but it's hardly crime of the century.

Why are school so heavy handed about this? I am not keen on this school.

See the attached graphic.

What do you do if one child is grounded but other isn't?
katykins85 · 03/03/2019 09:53

This does sound severe, yes. Be brave OP and stand up to your husband to protect your son Flowers

Phineyj · 03/03/2019 09:55

This may seem an obvious suggestion but have you tried rewarding him for a day of not shouting out at school? Small reward for one day, do something nice on a Friday if he's managed it for a week? There could be a bunch of reasons. Maybe he can't access the work and needs more help in class than he's getting. Maybe he's really bright and therefore bored. I take it his eyesight and hearing have been recently checked? I had a sixth former once who was like this and it was mainly that she was very anxious (I'm sure she was a trial to teacher at primary...) Ime being overly authoritarian to an anxious child makes everything worse.

Arrt · 03/03/2019 09:56

Tbh OP I can understand why your son lied to try and get out of trouble in school. The punishment is too harsh when he does something wrong, as this example shows. Who wouldn’t lie in that situation?

Santaclarita · 03/03/2019 09:56

Most kids shout out in class. They get excited at that age in school. Will go away in a few years.

If he was bullying other kids and hurting them repeatedly, then yeah grounding would be suitable I think. But not for that.

Lougle · 03/03/2019 09:57

Tbh, it doesn't sound like much of a grounding if he's confined to a room with all his toys and a TV! Why has a 7 year old got a TV, especially if he has ADHD traits? That's not going to help him at all.

It might be worth asking for reassessment when he's 9 or 10, as a lot of behaviour that is typical for a 7 year old isn't typical for an older child, so if he is still behaving in the same way it will be more 'abnormal' by then, and may cross the threshold for diagnosis.

Tbh, it doesn't sound like he's been truly grounded. He hadn't been banned from playing games or watching TV. Talk to your DH and give him a way of meeting you half way.

Smurf123 · 03/03/2019 09:59

Have school tried a star/ reward chart? Likewise you could follow up at home.. Or a behaviour book that gets sent home every day? Break the day down into 3 parts - before break, before lunch and end of day with a happy, sad and OK face for each part - teacher selects the appropriate one for the child's behaviour for that part of day and can write comments if needed. You could say if child gets x amount of smily faces by the end of the week they will get a given reward - start with a manageable number of smileys as initially you kind of want the child to earn the reward to show them that they want to get the reward and work your way up! (As a teacher I have used this before it doesn't take long for teacher to fill in)
But shouting out in class and trying to talk their way out of punishment is pretty common at 7.. Regardless of not getting a diagnosis if it is constant and regular strategies aren't working school should implement an individual behaviour plan to help child learn appropriate behaviour

CecilyP · 03/03/2019 10:01

This has been going on for 5 yearsyears^

How has this been going on for 5 years if he is only 7, presumably in Y3?

Beechview · 03/03/2019 10:06

Get your ds, take him out so he can have a runaround, chat to him and let him run, chase a ball and shout out if he wants to otherwise he’ll be in more trouble at school after having a weekend with barely any human interaction and staring at a screen for a whole weekend. Poor kid.