What do you do if one child is grounded but other isn't?

[Fullofregrets33]

Morning. I am having a really rubbish weekend. My husband has grounded our son who is 7 for the weekend he has to play in his room and can't join us on visiting relatives, going the park, out for lunch etc.

Aibu to be really pissed off about this? Our kids are still young and I'm still getting to grips about what I think are suitable punishments for things. I think my husband has been too harsh this time and it has really spoilt our whole weekend as a family.

My husband and I have fallen out over it and aren't speaking to theres a horrible atmosphere in the house, the dog is crying and pacing up and down constantly because my son is his playmate and they are separated.
My daughter now has noone to play with so she's playing up. We usually see grandparents, just me and daughter went so they were upset to not see my son. And now got another day of it. One parent staying home whilst the other takes daughter out.
It has made the family really disjointed and the weekend has been just horrible. I feel like all of us are being punished, not just my son.
My husband and I disagree over almost everything, and I am far too soft but I just want this weekend to be over

No, it'll be something different OP. And that's a daft statement - he could have grounded a newborn baby could he so of course in 8 years it might be the first time!

I cannot think of anything a 7 yo could do that would warrant this punishment. Not a single thing. Anything serious enough to consider a harsh punishment for a 7yo is a SERIOUS problem that needs looking into, not punishing.

I don’t need to read your other threads (but I may have as your user name is a bit familiar?!) to know your ‘D’H is a bully to you and your children. Your posts read as though English isn’t your first language, so maybe there are some cultural differences...but you don’t have to put up with this if you’re in the UK (which I’m guessing you are). You and your children don’t have to live with this bully.

only on MN is grounding a naughty kid for one weekend abusive

This child hasn't actually been "grounded" though. He has been shut in his room for 2 days. He has been banned from seeing his grandparents, he's not even allowed to interact with his sibling or his Dog. That's very different to most people's understanding of being "grounded".

I agree that if OP's DS is repeatedly misbehaving at school then he needs to see consequences for that behaviour. But surely there is a balance to be struck between letting him off the hook completely and confining him to one room for two whole days!

OP what is it that your DS is actually doing wrong at school. Your reluctance to actually name the behaviour makes me wonder if he's being aggressive to others. Could he be mirroring behaviours he's witnessing at home?

I think it’s way to harsh too and not really grounding

Grounded is not being able to go out to play, not solitary confinement.

Me and my dh argue over punishments too. He thinks I’m too soft. I think he’s too hard.

This makes me act softer, and him act harsher.

It’s difficult to sort sometimes. We manage to find a middle ground eventually

Firstly, you and your H need to grow the hell up. Both your extreme positions aren’t helping your son and are decisive.. Your sons behaviour is repeated so why the hell haven’t you discussed and agreed the punishment before.

As punishments goes, your son is partially confined to a room with a television and all his toys for two days, hardly GitMo.

It’s easy to point the finger at your H but the way you whine about the whole family being punished makes me think you are as much a part of the problem as your H.

A TV in a seven year olds bedroom, I despair.

He won’t do it again?
Yep. Agree with a PP. It’ll be something different.
Interesting you’ve given no idea of what your child has done. Is he acting like his controlling bully of a father?

Stinky candle- There are ways to get kids to behave without draconian punishments and lecturing them

I spent plenty of my teenage (and preteen) time grounded and usually for good reason. But all it meant was that I couldn’t go out with my friends for a few days. I definitely wasn’t kept away from siblings or the dog...

OP said she's been up there playing with him.

What OP doesn't post about is what he's actually done. If he is repeatedly being naughty in school then maybe this is the right punishment.

reef

No, it doesn’t.

There is nothing he could be doing at school that warrants a SEVEN year old being put in isolation for an entire weekend. NOTHING.

Posts like yours are dangerous because they may lead the op to think her DH is less of a nasty bully than he is.

IF his behaviour at school is terrible (like constantly trashing the classroom) the REASON for that needs looking into. Happy, NT, children do not do that. A child doing that either has SEN or other issues that he needs HELP with, not punishing.

OP said she's been up there playing with him

No, she hasn't. She's been playing with the dd, in the dd's room, which is upstairs also.

I disagree. I don't being grounded (it's not isolating he comes down for meals) for one weekend is abusive. If he is for example bullying then I'd say it was right. Make him a miserable as possible to stop the behaviour.

Grounding is a punishment for teenagers, removing their freedom. It won't work for a 7 year old unless he is usually allowed out to play with other children.

I think it is damaging and divisive. A 7 year old won't have the mental ability to manage their behaviour alone like that and will lead to resentment and poor self esteem. Also how is it punishment to have tv and toys with him also? Much better to take away elctronics or favourite toys than to deprive him of company. Its cruel for him to hear his sister and you playing next door it makes it harder for him and has the potential to make resentment and bad behaviour worse.

I agree with another pp that enforced family time, like visiting grandparents or going out together is a good thing if behaviour is poor.

Contreception. Denying a child interaction with his family, isolating him for 2 days is not a suitable punishment for anything. Young children need loving involvement within their family. Isolating anyone is barbaric.

contraception. Yes. He comes down for meals, presumably because his father doesn’t want food in the bedroom. Other than a few minutes to eat this child IS ISOLATED in his bedroom ALL WEEKEND. That’s NOT ‘grounded’ that’s ISOLATED. He is SEVEN FFS

If he’s repeatedly doing something wrong at school, shouldn’t he have a punishment at school?? Maybe loss of playtime’s or any craft / playing type activities, until he stops whatever he’s doing?
As everyone has said it’s a teenagers punishment its not suitable for a 7 year old. If he DOES also needs a punishment at home for the same offence- loss of tv or screen time for a morning or day (if it’s really bad behaviour) is more suited.
I rarely send my kids to their room, certainly not for a full weekend. If I ever do it then it’s for an hour and for fighting each other or something like repeated arguments where I want to physically separate them for an hour to make them calm down and re set behaviour.
It sounds like your DS has been ‘banished’ for a weekend ☹️

OK. I disagree that punishing a child for two days is not barbaric or abusive.
If a child came to me complaining of this I'd ask why it happened. If it was a permeant on going thing I'd then say it was abusive. If they said because I was naughty in school I'd say well don't do it again and you won't be punished. Problem solved. Children are not supposed to enjoy being punished.

I think op you are being way too vague on what your son is doing at school, repeatedly. What is he actually doing? You need to tell us that for better viewpoints.

I can see your husbands point to be honest. You said it yourself, you are too soft on the boy and let him off with it. So he keeps misbehaving. That will only escalate to the point of him possibly being expelled. Is that what you want?

Whether this punishment was right or not isn't the problem. The real problem is you are not making your child face consequences properly for his actions, and he is well aware of that. He will get worse if you take no action and let him get away with it.

Make your choice. Have a badly behaved child or punish him properly. But this isn't just your husbands fault, it's yours too.

If the behaviour is happening at school then the school need to address it because realistically any sanctions at home aren't going to work to prevent the behaviour in school anyway. Do you think the school will be concerned on Monday if your son reports he has been confined to his room all weekend without anyone to play with or speak to? I'd imagine there will be concerns raised and questions asked as to whether the child's behaviour in school is a consequence of emotional abuse at home tbh.

Also contraception mealtimes is not enough. My 11 year old not manage a few hours let alone 2 days confined to his room he needs to know he can see me whenever he needs to, even during a punishment. If an 11 year old carnt manage a few hours then a 7 year old certainly carnt.

The school issues are constantly shouting out in class multiple times every day despite knowing he shouldn't.
He also tells lies and told a lie at school this week to try and get himself out of trouble but he was found out.

He went through assessment for adhd but was not diagnosed as not severe enough (there are definate traits tho). Because he is not diagnosed the school are now not willing to make allowances and are treating it as naughtiness.
My husband also agrees it's naughtiness too and is getting frustrated with it all because nothing works and the teacher is constantly asking to speak to us. This has been going on for 5 years

The whole family sound dramatic.

I think you need to start working together, if at all possible (and if not, this signals that your relationships has some quite large problems)- you should not be "telling" DH that x won't be happening, just as he shouldn't be dictating all punishments either. I think it important to present a united front when it comes to a child's discipline- if they sense that they can play one parent/adult off against the other, most children will (subconsciously).

Contrary to many posters, I think it perfectly reasonable to stop a 7 year old doing an activity they were looking forward to or cancel a planned meal out or trip to cinema. If behaviour is poor, they do not get treats. They have to stay at home and do less exciting things. My children understood this perfectly well aged 7- there would be a warning that "f this behaviour continues then x will not happen" for instance, but if they persisted then I did follow through. Or if behaviour had been outrageous then the punishment was that we weren't going to do x, without warnings beforehand (I can actually only remember one instance where this happened). Other punishments may include extra chores, loss of screen time (and not just 10 minutes- they will lose their screen time for the day, or sometimes longer, if this is going to be used) or sometimes going to their room for a while. I don't think my DC are emotionally scarred by overly harsh punishment.

I agree being shut in your room for an entire weekend does seem very harsh and wouldn't be a punishment I would choose.

With regard's to your DH's comment regarding you being too soft and that if he cries or is upset that you will then give in and let him away with very little, or no, punishment- do you think this is accurate? If so, then whilst it does seem your DH is overly harsh and this should be addressed, then perhaps you also need to look at how you discipline your child. Both of you need to be consistent- one parent being overly harsh whilst the other is being a bit too lax doesn't make for happy DC who understand what the boundaries are and what behaviour is acceptable. Moving boundaries are hard for children to navigate and often result in bad behaviour. Consistency and firm boundaries are important, in my opinion.

Tell your dh you won’t let it continue so he can go and have a fatherly talk with ds and do some proper parenting by letting him earn his way out of the punishment with an apology or a committment. Otherwise, you will not abide by the grounding any longer (this saves face for your dh and doesn’t undermine his parenting).
In future, you two should agree a list of three consequences (minor, moderate and major) that you both agree are suitable and agree to stick to if either allocate them. And a list of behaviours that you want to reward, and include your son in choosing what the rewards might be (time playing a game with dad for example). Keep a chart for the good behaviours, don’t take away rewards/stars for bad behaviour, do the consequences instead.
Your son is possibly acting up at school because of a punitive atmosphere at home and parents not being on the same page which will make him feel sad and unsafe to do anything. The last thing your boy needs is to be on his own, he needs parental guidance - more time, your dh is being lazy.

I dont think it will happen again after this
Really?
You really think this weekend has helped to sort your sons behaviour out?
I'd DH cant cope with disciplining a 7 year old God knows how he will punish a 6 foot tall 15 year old.