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AIBU?

What do you do if one child is grounded but other isn't?

251 replies

Fullofregrets33 · 03/03/2019 08:00

Morning. I am having a really rubbish weekend. My husband has grounded our son who is 7 for the weekend he has to play in his room and can't join us on visiting relatives, going the park, out for lunch etc.

Aibu to be really pissed off about this? Our kids are still young and I'm still getting to grips about what I think are suitable punishments for things. I think my husband has been too harsh this time and it has really spoilt our whole weekend as a family.

My husband and I have fallen out over it and aren't speaking to theres a horrible atmosphere in the house, the dog is crying and pacing up and down constantly because my son is his playmate and they are separated.
My daughter now has noone to play with so she's playing up. We usually see grandparents, just me and daughter went so they were upset to not see my son. And now got another day of it. One parent staying home whilst the other takes daughter out.
It has made the family really disjointed and the weekend has been just horrible. I feel like all of us are being punished, not just my son.
My husband and I disagree over almost everything, and I am far too soft but I just want this weekend to be over

OP posts:

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Wolfiefan · 03/03/2019 09:04

OP your father was controlling and narcissistic by your own admission on another thread.
You’ve married your father. That is the problem.
No wonder your child is acting up at school.
Shutting a child in their bedroom for a weekend is abusive and won’t cure the problem.

StinkyCandle · 03/03/2019 09:04

Fullofregrets33
If you are really incompatible, you feel miserable and feel have no say in the way your household in run, it's wrong. I can only urge you to try to get help - you have as much say as your husband in the way your kids are raised.

(I still think grounding a child can be perfectly acceptable, but not having a voice in your home is not!)

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 03/03/2019 09:06

Just read your thread from August @Fullofregrets33
Your DH does not like being a parent , your son knows this, is unhappy and is acting out.
Your H is acting looks ke a Victorian dad and banishing his son so he doesn’t have to deal with him. It’s only going to get worse.
I understand you don’t want to split because you want to protect the children.
To be honest, I think a separation would be a relief for everyone.
Your kids now come first, despite your DH once being your soulmate. Sorry

StinkyCandle · 03/03/2019 09:06

Shutting a child in their bedroom for a weekend is abusive and won’t cure the problem.

of course it's not abusive! That's not what the problem is here.
It's ok to parent your child and teach him about consequences you know.. no wonder so many kids are an absolute nightmare with parents who can't face punishing them.

It has nothing to do with the OP not being treated like another adult, that's is wrong.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 03/03/2019 09:06

What is it that he's doing at school?

teyem · 03/03/2019 09:06

He doesn't need a severe punishment, he needs a consistent consequence in a household with loving parents. He needs his parents to talk to the school and find out what is happening there and seek advice on productive ways to stop the behaviour together.

Beechview · 03/03/2019 09:08

There are ways to deal with bad behaviour that don’t involve punishments which are probably a much better way to deal with a 7 year old.
What is he actually doing?

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/03/2019 09:08

JFC only on MN is grounding a naughty kid for one weekend abusive.

FloatingthroughSpace · 03/03/2019 09:09

Looking at your other threads, you say your ds has ADHD, that he has few friends and that he tells imaginary stories which he thinks are real.

None of these are reasons for punishments.

It's really key to know what it is your ds is doing at school. Please don't say it's the 'lies'. DS isn't doing that to be naughty. If your DH can't see that he's a major bully himself.

teyem · 03/03/2019 09:09

of course it's not abusive! That's not what the problem is here.

It's not abusive to exclude a seven year old child from all social contact outside of mealtimes for an entire weekend? Are you sure about that?

CecilyP · 03/03/2019 09:10

Aibu to be really pissed off about this?

You are so NBU. If he wants to impose a draconian punishment that effects the whole family, he should consult the whole family. If you were less kindhearted, you would have got on with your DD and left him to it. But I bet is you who are taking the brunt of this punishment.

The reason for the grounding is because he is doing something repeatedly at school and no other consequence seems to be having any effect. (I don't think this will either) my husband is fed up with our sons behaviour and is hoping that this will deter him from repeating the behaviour.

I don't think it will either; very likely have the reverse effect; if your DS can't let off steam at the weekend, he is much more likely to play up at school during the week!

Missingstreetlife · 03/03/2019 09:10

🚩

Vulpine · 03/03/2019 09:10

Never grounded any of my kids ever. Also never be grounded myself

Di11y · 03/03/2019 09:11

withdrawing your love from a child as a form of coercion to behave is appalling and totally ineffective.

please read how to talk so kids will listen.

deciding on consequences and then not following through is weak and will exacerbate 'bad behaviour but choosing an age appropriate short term consequence connected to the behaviour and following through will lead to change.

Vividdreaming · 03/03/2019 09:11

Surely a bettet And more long term punishment would be to remove all toys and gadgets from the room. For every day he is well behaved he gets to choose something back. Big things like TVs wait until the end. One day of slip up means a toy taken away. That way you aren’t punishing the whole family and there is an incentive for behavioural change.

What is the incentive for him to change when he gets to sit in his room with his toys and TV all week end and not have to do boring weekend chores.

The fact you think your DH is ‘the boss’ is deeply concerning.

Di11y · 03/03/2019 09:12

what did he do at school? may be the MN hive mind can help you figure out how to tackle it without resorting to exclusion.

StinkyCandle · 03/03/2019 09:13

teyem
yes, I am quite sure. Being stuck in front of the tv is abusive, but being sent to your room to learn about consequences isn't.

I know the fashionable trend is to lecture, threaten and not follow through, but we don't all have to be fashionable do we.

reefedsail · 03/03/2019 09:15

Him repeatedly misbehaving at school is an issue. What is he doing? It makes a difference whether he keeps accidentally shouting out the answers during group teaching, or whether he is repeatedly trashing the classroom and causing the rest of the class to be moved when he doesn't want to do maths.

What you need to do is strike up a very close relationship with the school. Work with them to develop a totally united front- they will have suggestions about how this can be done. You need to be in there at least once a week while you all get on top of whatever the behaviour is- more if it's serious and lots of other professionals need pulling into the situation.

I'd draw a line under this weekend.

my2bundles · 03/03/2019 09:16

Stinky candle sending a young child to their room and denying them social interaction for 2 days is abuse it's completely different to sending them to their room for a 5 minute timeout to calm down.

DointItForTheKids · 03/03/2019 09:19

Yes, but we're not dealing with a normal, rational man. He's not a dad who doesn't understand appropriate punishments, he's an abuser who wants to control and manipulate his whole family. So rational conversation with him will, sadly, get the OP nowhere.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/03/2019 09:20

Stinky candle sending a young child to their room and denying them social interaction for 2 days is abuse

😭😭 No it's really really not.

DointItForTheKids · 03/03/2019 09:20

Maybe look to his home life for the answer to that question reef?

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Fullofregrets33 · 03/03/2019 09:21

This is the first time he has ever "grounded" our son in nearly 8 years. Its never happened before and I don't think it will happen again after this

OP posts:

DointItForTheKids · 03/03/2019 09:22

In the context of this particular family, I think it is abusive - it's just another abusive and controlling act by an abusive father to his son.

You can't view this post in isolation on the assumption that it's an isolated incident because clearly it isn't.

teyem · 03/03/2019 09:22

Jesus, I can't believe anyone could consider this a reasonable punishment for a seven year old.

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