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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do you do if one child is grounded but other isn't?

251 replies

Fullofregrets33 · 03/03/2019 08:00

Morning. I am having a really rubbish weekend. My husband has grounded our son who is 7 for the weekend he has to play in his room and can't join us on visiting relatives, going the park, out for lunch etc.

Aibu to be really pissed off about this? Our kids are still young and I'm still getting to grips about what I think are suitable punishments for things. I think my husband has been too harsh this time and it has really spoilt our whole weekend as a family.

My husband and I have fallen out over it and aren't speaking to theres a horrible atmosphere in the house, the dog is crying and pacing up and down constantly because my son is his playmate and they are separated.
My daughter now has noone to play with so she's playing up. We usually see grandparents, just me and daughter went so they were upset to not see my son. And now got another day of it. One parent staying home whilst the other takes daughter out.
It has made the family really disjointed and the weekend has been just horrible. I feel like all of us are being punished, not just my son.
My husband and I disagree over almost everything, and I am far too soft but I just want this weekend to be over

OP posts:
Original poster
Fullofregrets33 · 03/03/2019 08:38

Thank you for your comments, everyone of which agrees with me that it is not a suitable punishment for a 7 year old. I shall speak with husband and tell him it won't be happening. Thanks again

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 03/03/2019 08:39

If it’s something he’s done wrong at school then the punishment should be given at school by his teacher. I don’t punish my kids for things they do at school because usually school have already handed out a punishment, if they do something at ho e then the punishment is dished out by me at home, this usually involves removing the iPad or having to help with house chores.

7 is too young to be grounded, grounded is when you can’t go out and play with your mates, pretty sure it doesn’t include joining in with family activities.

Lostthefairytale · 03/03/2019 08:40

You husband is right that the inconsistency in your parenting will be contributing to the behaviour. However he is taking no responsibility for the fact that his unreasonable punishments are the main reason for the inconsistency. You need to find some way of getting on the same page as far as managing behaviour is concerned and come up with some plans you both agree with. Sounds like you might have a hard job getting him to recognise this though.

Beechview · 03/03/2019 08:40

Severe punishments never work like how you expect them to work.
Your ds will be full of hurt, anger and resentment and act out even more.

What is your ds doing at school? It’s better to try to address this differently. He’s only 7.

Your dh sounds like he’s abusive.

lyralalala · 03/03/2019 08:40

What is your DS doing repeatedly at school?

BiscuitDrama · 03/03/2019 08:45

Just to give you some ideas, punishments in our house would be:

Loss of screen time, 10 mins for minor problem, while ‘day’ for very bad (kicking sibling very hard for no reason for example)
Early bed (if behaviour is obviously tiredness related)
Removal of a toy until later (bit mean, this one)
Also used to find 1,2,3 magic worked well, naughty step but with no faffing, just ‘that’s one’ pause, ‘that’s two’ and then pause and if still doing it, onto step.

Punishments should be as close to a natural consequence as possible and carried out as quickly as possible.

CherryPavlova · 03/03/2019 08:47

He sounds like a bully who is afraid of losing control. Your son will learn that behaviour too.
Far better he goes and speaks with the school about the support that they think might be valuable in resetting your sons behaviour.
Sanctions for children work best if the relate to the ‘crime’ and are followed up with more positive reinforcement of the expected behaviour.
Kicking other children several times might best be dealt with by sitting him outside the heads office whilst he wrote apology cards instead of playing football at lunchtime. Then if it persisted, home supported by sending him in some plimsoles or soft footwear so he couldn’t hurt others. He could have a chart with a sticker for days without kicking which was rewarded at the weekend by his father taking him to play football or watch a match together, if close to a stadium.

StinkyCandle · 03/03/2019 08:48

I applaud your husband for raising a child and teaching him about consequences.

Grounding a child is perfectly suitable! I don't think allowing access to the tv is a good idea, if it was mine he would come with whoever walks the dogs a couple of times a day - it's much better for everybody!

I can't agree with the "DH is the boss". Ahem, no, you are both equal parents, both equal adults.

I think you have to stop playing the martyr bit. The family weekend hasn't been spoilt, you are ridiculous.

Staying upstairs to keep company to your child means you show no authority, don't teach him about consequences, it's a ridiculous move too. Parents should show a solid front to their kids, disagree in private, but not give him the message that daddy is wrong and mummy is feeling sorry for the poor little darling.

It's a bit of a worry if people really believe grounding a 7 year old is not suitable, blimey.

StinkyCandle · 03/03/2019 08:50

please tell me you only have a toddler BiscuitDrama, your "punishments" might be suitable for a 1 or 2 year old, but hardly for a primary school age child!

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 03/03/2019 08:50

I suppose your husband will see any relenting on the grounding as backing down. What is this behaviour at school causing all the bother? Are the school addressing it there?
It's not your son's fault he doesn't play out or have playdates so you have nothing else to take off him. ☹️ You can't punish a chid by isolating them. At his age he's going to feel unloved.

If I were you I'd go with my instinct of what feels right. Which is to say to your dh that he has acted too harshly and the grounding is over. You need to act as a united front (whatever goes on in private) explain to your son that the decision has been changed and go on to have a nice day. One shit day is more than enough. Like othes said you need to agree upfront with your partner how you will deal with such behaviours. If your dh's way is not right it's up to you to stand up to him and say from now on we will do ....
You owe this to your son. He shouldn't suffer because you're not able to overule your husband if he can't be convinced. He sounds too heavy-handed and I think his methods will not succeed anyway.

FloatingthroughSpace · 03/03/2019 08:51

What is he doing at school?
If he's dominating and bullying other kids , for example, that's one thing (who is his male role model??)
But if he's distracted or not finishing his work or doing poorly academically, that is another thing altogether.

To judge if your DH is being heavy handed or downright cruel it's important to know what he is doing "wrong" at school.

my2bundles · 03/03/2019 08:51

Stinky candle. What the OP has described is not grounding.

lyralalala · 03/03/2019 08:53

It's a bit of a worry if people really believe grounding a 7 year old is not suitable, blimey.

Grounding a 7 year old who plays out with friends, has a birthday party to attend, or goes swimming may work. Isolating a 7 year old in their bedroom all weekend isn't the same as grounding them.

SweetheartNeckline · 03/03/2019 08:53

When I used to get grounded, it was grounded from my own activities only eg Scouts, parties. It was very rarely used and started once I was at secondary age, although I may have had to miss a specific event such as football practice for that day a bit younger.

If anything, the extra enforced "family time" this resulted in (being included on National Trust days out, trip to the car boot) helped me re-regulate my behaviour and my parents to like me again!

I think it's too harsh for a 7 year old, and doesn't suit the family. I don't think grounding is appropriate at aged 7 unless as a natural consequence (ie your stropping has made us too late to get to the cinema now). Imo arguments and the resulting punishments need to be over and done with quickly and a massive amount of slack needs to be cut on a Friday afternoon when DC are knackered.

Hopefully your DH won't use this punishment in future.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 03/03/2019 08:54

I think grounding is a shit punishment anyway because it punishes everyone. My mum grounded me twice as a teen, one of the times she was begging me to go out after about 2 hours (I can be exceptionally irritating when I want to be) and the second time she looked out of the kitchen window to see me drop down from my bedroom window.

For a seven year old, it is pointless as they can't go out on their own anyway!

DointItForTheKids · 03/03/2019 08:55

"I don't want to go into our relationship on this post as I have other posts about it if you want to search for the"

You mean:
AIBU to worry about our different parenting styles
Husband doesn't want me to work
Husband too busy for family life
No life so annoyed with myself
AIBU to think the school should secure their boundary
Please comment if you are unhappily married?

Surely you can figure out just from the thread titles OP that there's one common denominating factor here - your (horrible) husband.

Stinky I don't think you've read the situation right at all! She's not 'being a martyr' - she's a woman who's married to an abuser who is also extending his abuse to the children (as they always do in one form or another) but OP is not in a place yet where she sees or can acknowledge that he is not normal and is in fact an abuser. That's not strong parenting, it's the actions of an overbearing bully. OP says "DH is the boss" because DH is the boss! If he says it, it goes, that's it, no discussion.

Chapter1 · 03/03/2019 08:55

That’s a really over the top punishment. Stuck in his room for a whole weekend? not allowed to visit grandparents?

Time off technology or tv would have been better.

FloatingthroughSpace · 03/03/2019 08:57

Btw my mum gave me just one piece of parenting advice: never threaten anything you aren't prepared to carry out. It is far more effective to threaten an hour of no TV and carry it through, than to threaten a week of no TV and then back down after 3 days.

Fwiw I don't think inconvenience to the rest of the family is a good reason to back down on a punishment. I think a whole weekend "grounded" is a long time for a seven year old. It would have been much better to, for example, say no TV for Friday evening and carry it through as a United front.

notanothernam · 03/03/2019 08:58

That is far too severe for a 7 year old. And you too are too old to be saying "my husband is the boss" that's ridiculous. The house sounds miserable. You need to sort your relationship out and parent on the same page or your relationship will never survive family life. You and your DH should have spoken about the consequences together and agreed on them. For 7 I'd have removed certain toys, perhaps pudding and then reinforced positive behaviour going forward with a chart or whatever. Obviously we're all different but nothing will work if you and your DH disagree.

TroysMammy · 03/03/2019 09:00

I thought grounding was not going out to play, playing computer games, see friends or attend events, fun stuff. However grounding doesn't solve the original "crime". It's no punishment.

Original poster
Fullofregrets33 · 03/03/2019 09:00

Stinkycandle your the only person on here so far to show that opinion. You share the exact same opinion as my husband. He is very old school.

I do agree I am too soft and I think the best thing would be me and him discussing the punishment and agreeing on it before my son is told about it.
In this instance this didn't happen, my husband told him this would happen immediately with no consultation with me at all.
I told him straight away in private I didn't agree but he stood firm, blamed me for everything because im too soft and weve not spoken since

OP posts:
teyem · 03/03/2019 09:01

And what happens if solitary confinement doesn't fix this undisclosed repetitive bad behaviour - what's next in line for your seven year old son?

whiskeysourpuss · 03/03/2019 09:02

OP I'm a relatively strict parent & always have been - my mother likens me to a Sargent major but even I have never put my kids into solitary confinement!

Grounding in this house is used for all the children - it means you aren't allowed out with your friends & for the teens depending on the reason no mobile phone because then they just sit on that chatting with friends

However they are still allowed to visit family, are forced to come on family outings & interact with others in the home.

What your husband has done is punish everyone in the household & as for the "he is the boss" statement in my house he'd be told to fuck off! However, he is right in that if he gives a punishment that you later backtrack on you are undermining him & the kids will notice this.

What you need is a conversation about which punishments you both agree on & an agreement that these are the punishments you will use - this conversation should ideally be a) when the kids aren't needing punished for any misbehaving & b) outwith earshot of the kids.

StinkyCandle · 03/03/2019 09:02

she's a woman who's married to an abuser who is also extending his abuse to the children

I don't agree AT ALL that grounding a child is a form of abuse - even if I can't see how allowing access to the tv is any form of punishment, but hey ho.

If there's abuse in the relationship, then I can only suggest getting help ASAP. Staying with someone who you feel abuse your children is wrong on too many levels, so at least ask for help to protect your kids.

youarenotkiddingme · 03/03/2019 09:02

He does need a severe consequence as he's choosing to repeatedly misbehave at school.

But I wouldn't confine to room.

No screens all weekend would have been better than stay in room. No going to park - yes fair enough. But I would have taken him to visit relatives.

I haven't seen your previous threads but it sounds like the family dynamic isn't right in your house.
Can you go alone to school and chat to them about it and agree how you'll deal with behaviour and then get them to meet with husband and support you getting him on board?

Sometimes kids from Uber strict households play up elsewhere because they don't get a chance to push boundaries at home.

That's not to say his bad behaviour goes unchecked - just you try and adjust the dynamics to see if it improves.